The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

A Little-Known Occupational Hazard Affecting Writers.

There’s a very common occupational hazard that affects writers, but I’ve never heard anyone talk about it: the desire to write outside your main field.

I know a journalist who took a sabbatical to write a novel, which turned into a short story. I know a science writer who is writing a play. I know a novelist who is writing a memoir.

This change can be exhilarating and fun, because it’s a new creative challenge – and that contributes to a happy life.

It can also be a bit of a pain, because these projects can feel…oppressive. With writing, often, there’s a strange feeling of compulsion. You just have to write about something. I remember hearing Kathryn Harrison remark on a panel, when asked how she chose her topics, “You really have surprisingly little control about what you want to write about.” I knew exactly what she meant. I had to write a book about power, money, fame and sex -- when I was clerking for Justice O’Connor, I was writing that book on the weekends. A few years later, I felt I couldn’t go another day without working on a biography of Churchill.

Of course, you can choose what you write about. You just can’t choose what you want to write about.

Although I write non-fiction, three times in my life, I’ve had an uncontrollable urge to write a novel. My problem is that I’m not much of a storyteller, and these were “novels of ideas.” Which, I know quite well, is not a good way to write a novel. One novel was about the apocalypse, one was about why people destroy their own possessions (I later wrote a non-fiction book, Profane Waste, on this subject, in collaboration with artist Dana Hoey, and it worked much better in that form), and most recently, I wrote a novel-in-a-month about the happiness consequences of two people having an affair. (I describe this experience in The Happiness Project book.)

One of the reason I love Chris Baty’s novel-in-a-month approach is that for a writer, it can be a gigantic distraction, and therefore a work liability, to have these projects press on you. They get in the way of the work you really need to get done. It’s fun, it’s creative, it’s satisfying, yes, but writers, like everyone, need to be productive in the work for which they’re paid.

This has happened to me, yet again. I have this idea for a novel – but for once, in a nice change, it’s not a novel of ideas. Well, it is a little bit. But it has more plot than usual. And it actually has some real characters in it. It’s also a young-adult novel, which I’ve never tackled before, although I’m a huge fan of children’s and young-adult literature.

But what’s the point of view? I imagine it like a movie, distant third-person narrator, but I need to locate it in my main character’s point of view…but then how to handle the gradual reveal of the secrets I want to emerge slowly?

And how do you kill someone without killing him? I need one of my likable main characters to kill another of my characters, but not really kill him. Any ideas? For example, in Harry Potter, one character dies but doesn’t really die; another character is killed, but isn’t really killed, because he was already mortally injured. In Star Wars, Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Darth Vader, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” He gets killed, but not really killed. I think I need to re-read Plutarch’s Lives and Polti’s The Thirty-Six Dramatic Situations…maybe there are some ideas there. (Speaking of Polti, has anyone ever updated his scheme, to provide more modern titles to illustrate his thirty-six situations?)

I can’t say describe the plot, because it would sound utterly ridiculous, as is always true of fantasy novels. Let’s just say there are no dragons, but there could be dragons. People have super-powers. It has a lot to do with honor and vows, and it would let me write about “symbols beyond words,” one of my untapped major interests. Tree. Horse. Blood.

But I really don’t have time to be fussing with this right now!

I mentioned this dilemma to a friend while we were waiting in line to see New Moon on Friday night (yes, I went the first day, I love the Twilight saga). She’s an editor and a YA writer herself, and she said, “You should just write it! That’s the happiness project thing to do!”

She’s absolutely right. It would make me very happy to write that novel, and I could again follow the scheme in No Plot! No Problem to get it done. But while it would be fun, it would also be draining and difficult and distracting. Plus, I would really try to make it good, but it probably wouldn’t end up being good – and if I go to the trouble to write a book, I really want it to be good. It would be “play,” in that I’d be doing it for fun, but it would use up precisely the same energy that I use for “work.” More time at the keyboard, can I stand it? Of course, it might energize me as well.

Two additional factors loom in the background: first, I’m extraordinarily lucky to be a working writer, debating whether to do this extra project for fun. I never forget that. Second, the writing world as we know it is collapsing. I’m not sure how to factor that fact in.

So what to do? I can’t see past the publication date for The Happiness Project, looming so close and yet so far on December 29, so I think I’ll hold on to my idea, try to come up with a way to kill my character without killing him, and promise myself that I’ll make a start on this novel this summer, if I still feel the urge.

* So much fun to read through 1000 Awesome Things -- and the book is coming out soon, too.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

In Which I Get Teary Reading My Own Book

This week, I finished the audiobook for The Happiness Project. As I’d expected, it made me very happy to learn to do something new and to get a glimpse into the unfamiliar world of sound recording.

It was also thrilling to learn that none other than Jim Dale had sat in the very same seat that I was using, when he was recording Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It took him three weeks! And they had top, top security.

What surprised me most about the recording process was how emotional I became while reading certain parts of the book. I literally choked up and had to take a drink of water and a deep breath before I could continue (quite embarrassing).

At first, it surprised me that I could go so worked up about something I myself wrote, but then I realized why this made sense. It's not that the book is sad, but rather that it touches to my heart so closely.

For example, as I was reading the very first page, I got a catch in my voice when I read the concluding paragraphs in the “Note to the Reader”:

I would never have supposed that a witty lexicographer with Tourette syndrome, a twenty-something tubercular saint, a hypocritical Russian novelist, and one of the Founding Fathers would be my most helpful guides—but so it happened.
I hope that reading the account of my happiness project will encourage you to start your own. Whenever you read this, and wherever you are, you are in the right place to begin.

Also, I got teary when I read this part:

I said to him, “Someday, we’ll look back, and it will be hard to remember that we ever had such little kids. We’ll say, ‘Remember when Eleanor still used her purple sippy cup, or when Eliza wore ruby slippers all the time?’”
He squeezed my hand. “We’ll say, ‘That was such a happy time.’”
The days are long, but the years are short.

I really lost it when I read the book's final paragraph:

The year is over, and I really am happier. After all my research, I found out what I knew all along: I could change my life without changing my life. When I made the effort to reach out for them, I found that the ruby slippers had been on my feet all along; the blue bird was singing outside my kitchen window.

These passages may not be moving, taken out of context, but in the book they are -- well, at least to me! That’s one of the many ways that the book and blog differ – it’s harder to tell an affecting story on a blog. The format is just different. Also, on the blog I need to keep discussion very short, but in the book, I can expand stories and analysis. (I think I did manage to convey emotion in the little video, The Years Are Short, but that has music, photos, the works.)

* I always find a lot of interesting material to read when I visit Daniel Pink. I cannot WAIT to read his new book, Drive: the Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. Just my kind of thing.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Ask for Help: Want To Make a Short Video?

One of my surprisingly difficult happiness-project resolutions is to ask for help—and now I’m asking.

The Internet has changed a lot about publishing. There are many new ways to reach readers—and that means a lot of new tasks for writers. This can be daunting, at times, and I often remind myself of one of my most important happiness realizations: Novelty and challenge bring happiness.

One of the novel challenges facing me right now is the creation of a book trailer, which has been on my to-do list for, well, about 18 months. By a crazy lucky chance (or another instance of the uncannily true Zen saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"), my friend Maria Giacchino, of Little Jacket Video Productions, has just started making book trailers, and she’s done two great ones for two great books: for Abigail Pogrebin’s One and the Same and Deborah Copaken Kogan’s Hell Is Other Parents.

So now I'm working on my book trailer. In it, I’d love to include clips of readers talking about what happiness-project resolutions have worked in their own lives.

So I’m asking for your help.

If this is the kind of task that appeals to you (and for many of you, it won’t appeal one bit, I know, so read no further), and you’ve used a happiness-project resolution to happy result, please consider …

● shooting a quick video of yourself naming a resolution that has boosted your happiness, or some important realization you gained, from The Happiness Project. Remember, the entire trailer will be about one minute long, and we want to include many people, so say something very quick and soundbite-y. "The resolution to 'Make your bed' changed my life!" etc.

● posting the video to the Facebook Page so everyone can see it. In the middle of the page, you'll see the "Wall" box that says, "What's on your mind?" Below it are icons, one of which is a video camera. Click on that, and you'll get a prompt to upload or record a video. I THINK. Facebook seems different for everyone who uses it, so I THINK this is what you'll see. I THINK you should be able to do this without joining the Page, but if you don't see a likely way to do this, join the Page and maybe that will help. (I promise, this is not meant to be a sneaky way of getting you to join the Page! Sorry about that!) There should also be a "Video" tab across the top; you can use that, too.

● if I end up taking a clip from your video, I’ll be in touch with you to get a permission form. And I'll be ecstatically grateful.

Please do consider doing this! I would so appreciate it!

My happiness project has taught me “novelty and challenge bring happiness.” Following that precept prompted me to add another happiness-project resolution, “Enjoy the fun of failure.” I’m worried that no one will post a single video, and I’ll feel like a loser. That’s the problem with novelty and challenge—they often come with anxiety, frustration, and … feeling like a loser. So I remind myself, “This is fun! Enjoy the FUN of failure.” If no one posts, that’s okay.

Happiness doesn’t always make me feel happy. A mystery.

* I've spent a lot of time over the past few days reading the blog To the Max—"Take that, cerebral palsy!" "This blog is about parenting, extreme honesty, chocolate ice-cream and life with my little boy, Max, who had a stroke at birth and kicks butts." There was a great post yesterday: Is it wrong to make your child wear a Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping bag for Halloween?

* Gold star for people who shoot a video of themselves naming their favorite resolution!

Why Shopping at H&M Is Better Than at Bergdorf's

From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.

I recently read a terrific new novel by Sally Koslow, The Late, Lamented Molly Marx. It has a very interesting premise, which I don’t want to give away, but I will say that it explores an important aspect of happiness.

I raced through the book because I was enjoying it so much (it’s packed with sharp social observation, plus it paints a wonderful picture of New York City), so only after I’d finished it did I realize that the book is a great examination of drift.

In the novel, Molly has a life with her husband and young daughter, and she's also having an affair. She loves and hates her life with her husband; same with the affair. She can’t decide whether to divorce her husband and marry her lover or to end the affair, and she begins to drift in this state. Both fates have their appeal, and their cost.

Molly’s situation is resolved in a surprising way, which I won’t reveal, but it got me thinking about drift. I was interested to see what Sally Koslow would have to say about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Sally: Besides reading novels, which I love so much I decided to try and write one? Dancing, at which I most certainly do not excel, makes me giddy-happy if I’m hearing the right music, even if I’m alone in my kitchen alternating the same two moves my kids mock. So does escaping into a movie trussed-up with corsets and English accents or a well-written contemporary rom-com. Every time I watch Diane Keaton grin to herself while she’s pounding away on her computer in Something's Gotta Give, a movie I can probably lip synch, I want to do the same.

Some activities make me happy once they’re over. I can’t say I adore running, but several times a week I take myself to the park for a long jog and invariably, when the rubber hits the road, my brain manufactures dialogue, plot points, and metaphors, and as e.e. cummings wrote, the world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Procrastination screws with my happiness, even though I know I get a contact high from accomplishment. For me, productivity demands infrastructure. I’d never have been able to complete three novels in the last five years if I hadn’t joined a writing workshop. It gives me feedback, but most important, the group harnesses me to deadlines, without which I’d still be muttering, “Maybe I’ll write a novel!” Being a magazine editor taught me that everyone, for almost everything, requires deadlines. I’m kind of an evangelist about this. Now if only someone would give me a deadline for organizing my photographs.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you find very helpful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
Thornton Wilder’s Our Town is my all-time favorite play, and it inspired my current book, The Late, Lamented Molly Marx.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing that detracts a lot from their happiness?
Envy is the buzz-kill of happiness. This is a theme I’m exploring in my next novel, where four women’s friendships wig out when they start tripping over their envy. (The original title was The Schadenfreude Club—we just changed it to With Friends Like These, since not everyone knows the snarky German word, schadenfreude, which means taking pleasure in someone else’s misery.)

I know I’ve wasted too much time on envying people with more money or success. I wish I could say I’ve learned to short-circuit envy, but the best I do is try to minimize contact with happiness-suckers in favor of being with people I appreciate and who appreciate me. I got happier, for example, when my son switched from private to public school, where the parents took fewer vacations to Tuscany. I try to remind myself that while other women may look like they have it all, they may secretly covet X. For all I know, maybe every woman I envy secretly wants to be a novelist.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I was a cliche high-school and college kid who no doubt looked happy enough but wrote yearning poetry and was often the girl at the party ready to cry. I was shy and didn’t instinctively understand how to make friends. My early role model was Lois Lane, and it helped to cast myself as a reporter for school newspapers, where I was forced to ask people questions. This practice helped, but took me only so far—when I, a North Dakota hayseed, moved to Manhattan to work on Mademoiselle magazine, the culture shock rendered me practically mute. I forced myself to observe women who had a knack for making friends and tried to model their behavior, down to noticing that it’s ordinary good manners to be friendly

During the last eight years, because of dumb luck I’ve lost two editor-in-chief jobs. This crashed my happiness, since I adored my work and believed I was put on earth to edit magazines. To keep my sanity, I started dabbling with writing fiction, which turned into novels—one lost job was running McCall’s, which got turned over to Rosie O’Donnell to start an eponymous magazine. That “you can’t make this stuff up” experience inspired my first novel, Little Pink Slips. I never expected novel-writing to become my new life’s work, and it has made me as happy as I’ve ever been.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy and didn’t?
One of my jobs came with—woo-hoo!—a clothing allowance. Although I’d been devoted to cheap-chic, when I got this perk I threw myself at the mercy of a personal shopper at Bergdorf’s and let her talk me into suits that made me looked like a lady senator, not Sally. I’ll never say money can’t buy a certain peace of mind, but this experience taught me that scoring bargains at H&M makes me happier than posh shopping, which leaves me feeling not pampered, but phony and rip-offed, a sure recipe for unhappiness.

* I'm a big fan of Alexandra Levit's blog Water Cooler Wisdom, which is a terrific resource for "up-to-the-minute career advice from one who has survived the trenches," so I was very pleased to see that she posted about the Happiness Project Toolbox.

* I send out short, free monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.

Embrace a Milestone Moment—in My Case, No More Editing

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I’m a big believer in using milestone moments as cues for evaluation, action, and reflection. Even though it’s a bit of a cliché, I’ve seen many examples—including in my own life—when people were prompted to make positive changes because they’d hit a milestone like a major birthday, marriage, the death of a parent, the birth of a child, loss of a job, or the accomplishment of a career marker like getting tenure or making partner (or not). For example, our wedding anniversary is our yearly Be Prepared Day.

Major milestones don’t happen very often; minor milestones are more frequent, but it’s easy to let them go almost unnoticed.

I’m trying to pay more attention to milestones—including one I just passed.

My book, The Happiness Project, is due out in January, and about 10 minutes ago, I completed my work on the stage called “second pass pages” (why it’s called this, I have no idea). After this, NO MORE EDITS. This is it. When I send this stack of pages back to my editor, my book is out of my hands. We still have to decide the cover art and the jacket copy and a million other details, but my work on the book itself will be finished.

In my rush to go through the book this last time, and to take care of all my other daily duties, I almost didn’t appreciate this milestone. In fact, as a relentless editor of my work, I was more inclined to view this stage as the terrifying point at which I lost control.

But thanks to my resolution, I paused to give myself a moment to reflect. For better or worse, I’ve achieved the vision that I had that April morning, several years ago now, when I was riding on a bus as it passed through the intersection of 79th and Park and asked myself, “What do I want from life, anyway? I want to be happy. But I never think about what it means to be happy, or whether I am happy. I should have a happiness project!” I didn’t have the idea to write a book about my happiness project for a long time after that, of course. But I had an idea for what my happiness project should be, and in my book, I’ve explained as best I can how I’m doing it.

This is a happy moment! I’m just going to sit here and drink it in. I feel so grateful for everyone who has helped me, and I feel so lucky that I do for work exactly what I do for fun. I wonder what the last word of the book is? Ah, it’s “window.” I love my book!

Transitions of any kind can be a helpful prompt to a more thoughtful and grateful frame of mind. Have you had an experience when passing a milestone spurred you to greater reflection or action?

* I'm sure there's a study that explains why nothing makes you smile faster than watching babies smile, coo, and laugh. (Evolutionary reasons, right?) Check out this video on Gimundo of four laughing babies.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.