The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Fifteen Tips to Avoid Nagging

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Back by popular demand...fifteen tips to avoid nagging.

I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so figuring out how to end nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.

But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?

One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!

That's something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

1. It’s annoying to hear a hectoring voice, so suggest tasks without words. When my husband needs a prescription filled, he puts his empty medicine bottle on the bathroom counter. Then I know to get it re-filled.

2. If you need to voice a reminder, limit yourself to one word. Instead of barking out, “Now remember, I’ve told you a dozen times, stop off at the grocery store, we need milk, if you forget, you’re going right back out!” Instead, I call out, “Grocery store!” or “Milk!”

3. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to trim those hedges today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to trim the hedges?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to trim the hedges before our party next week?”

4. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute, it was incredibly rude, and I was enraged. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”

5. Have clear assignments.

6. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.

7. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen.

8. Do it yourself. I used to be annoyed with my husband because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.

9. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement.

10. Re-frame: decide that you don’t mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think.

11. Don’t push for the impossible. There’s no way I’ll do anything relating to our car, so my husband doesn’t even ask.

12. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t mock the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.

13. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods a few nights a week? These days, money is very tight, but eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.

14. Remember that messy areas tend to stay messy, and tidy areas tend to stay tidy. If you want your partner to be neat, be neat yourself!

15. Remind yourself -- generally, nagging doesn't work.

Any other ideas about how to avoid nagging? What have I missed?

Also, sometimes one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. That person just doesn't notice, and doesn't care. In that case, it's hard to know what to do. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. I'm a naggee as well as a nagger. If that's your situation -- what do you do? What advice to do you offer?

* Take a Walk on the Happy Side is an absolutely extraordinary blog. Maggie says she was inspired by me, but I'm far more inspired by her. She has identical twin boys, now 4 1/2, with Down syndrome, and she's been posting recently about their surgery and their difficult recovery. I'm awed by Maggie's determination and sweetness of spirit. Check it out.

* Word-of-mouth Day! Today, I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (and follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Seven Tips if You’re Chronically Late

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips if you’re chronically late.

Feeling as though you’re always running 20 minutes behind schedule is an unhappy feeling. Having to rush, forgetting things in your haste, dealing with annoyed people when you arrive … it’s no fun.

If you find yourself chronically late, what steps can you take to be more prompt? That depends on why you’re late. As my Eighth Commandment holds, the first step is to Identify the problem—then you can see more easily what you need to change.

There are many reasons you might be late, but some are particularly common. Are you late because …

1.You sleep too late? If you’re so exhausted in the morning that you sleep until the last possible moment, it’s time to think about going to sleep earlier. Many people don’t get enough sleep, and sleep deprivation is a real drag on your happiness and health. Try to turn off the light sooner each night.

2.You try to get one last thing done? Apparently, this is a common cause of tardiness. If you always try to answer one more e-mail or put away one more load of laundry before you leave, here’s a way to outwit yourself: Take a task that you can do when you reach your destination and leave early. Tell yourself that you need that 10 minutes on the other end to read those brochures or check those figures.

3. You undestimate the commute time? You may tell yourself it takes 20 minutes to get to work, but if it actually takes 40 minutes, you’re going to be chronically late. Have you exactly identified the time by which you need to leave? That’s what worked for me for getting my kids to school on time. We have a precise time that we’re supposed to leave, so I know if we’re running late, and by how much. Before I identified that exact time, I had only a vague sense of how the morning was running, and I usually thought we had more time than we actually did. My daughter goes into near-hysterics if we're late, so that motivated me to get very clear on this issue.

4. You can’t find your keys/wallet/phone/sunglasses? Nothing is more annoying than searching for lost objects when you’re running late. Designate a place in your house for your vital items and put those things in that spot, every time. I keep everything important in my (extremely unfashionable) backpack, and fortunately a backpack is big enough that it’s always easy to find. My husband keeps his vital items in the chest of drawers opposite our front door.

5. Other people in your house are disorganized? Your wife can’t find her phone, your son can’t find his Spanish book, so you’re late. As hard as it is to get yourself organized, it’s even harder to help other people get organized. Try setting up the “vital things” place in your house. Prod your children to get their school stuff organized the night before—and coax the outfit-changing types to pick their outfits the night before, too. Get lunches ready. Etc.

6.You hate your destination so much you want to postpone showing up for as long as possible? If you dread going to work that much, or you hate school so deeply, or wherever your destination might be, you’re giving yourself a clear signal that you need think about making a change in your life.

7. Your co-workers won’t end meetings on time? This is an exasperating problem. You’re supposed to be someplace else, but you’re trapped in a meeting that’s going long. Sometimes this is inevitable, but if you find it happening over and over, identify the problem. Is too little time allotted to meetings that deserve more time? Is the weekly staff meeting 60 minutes of work crammed into 20 minutes? Does one person hold things up? If you face this issue repeatedly, there’s probably an identifiable problem—and once you identify it, you can develop strategies to solve it—e.g., sticking to an agenda; circulating information by e-mail; not permitting discussions about contentious philosophical questions not relevant to the tasks at hand, etc. (This last problem is surprisingly widespread, in my experience.)

Late or not, if you find yourself rushing around every morning, consider waking up earlier (see no. 1 above). Yes, it’s tough to give up those last precious moments of sleep, and it’s even tougher to go to bed earlier and cut into what, for many people, is their leisure time. But it helps.

I've started getting up at 6 a.m. so I have an hour to myself before I have to rustle everyone out of bed. This has made a huge improvement in our mornings. Because I’m organized and ready by 7 a.m., I can be focused on getting all of us out the door. (On a related note, here are more tips for keeping school mornings calm and cheery.)

What are some other strategies that work if you suffer from chronic lateness?

* A great blog, Get Rich Slowly, is about “personal finance that makes cents.” It covers a very broad range of topics related to finance, so there’s much there of interest to just about anyone.

* Introducing something new: Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! Now, not only is Wednesday the weekly Tip Day, it’s also the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested.
● Link to a post on Twitter.
● Pre-order the book for a friend.
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update.
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.

You've Forgotten Someone's Name. Here's What To Do.

If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a 3-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

In ancient Rome, the job of the "nomenclator" was to whisper or announce the names of people as they approached a politician. My husband serves this function for me; he has an uncanny ability to recall names and faces—people he has met once, years ago, and also famous people. I'll insist I've never met someone before, and he'll say, "Wasn't he in your class in college?" I have no idea how he does it, but I really suffer when I go to social events without him.

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you 'David,' but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you—in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me—what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of reintroducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name! And while you're at it, remember to smile. It really does make a difference in how friendly you're perceived to be.

* The brilliant Leo Babauta of Zen Habits fame has started a site, Mnmlist.com, about minimalism, "How less is the answer." Lots of wonderful material there.

* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If you'd come to a book event I was doing in your town, it would be very helpful if you'd drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

"We Feel More Satisfied ... if We Have Stirred Up Our Minds"

“A man does not work only for the sake of producing, but to set a value on his time. We feel more satisfied with ourselves and with our day if we have stirred up our minds and made a good start, or have finished a piece of work.”—Eugene Delacroix

* Good stuff at Work Happy Now!

Take a Vacation

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

The biggest challenge of a happiness project isn’t figuring out what resolutions I should make but actually sticking to my resolutions.

Somewhat to my surprise, I've found that I have quite a lot of trouble keeping my resolutions related to play—that is, the activities I do in my free time, because I want to do them, for their own sake, for my own reasons, and not for money or ambition. To encourage myself to play more, I’ve made resolutions to be serious about play, take time to be silly, force myself to wander.

Believe me, I see the irony in the fact that I work doggedly at fun and am so serious about joking around, but given my nature, I have to measure what I want to manage, and if I don’t commit to having fun, it will get crowded out of my workaholic days. Even so, these resolutions remain a challenge for me.

Writer Jean Stafford scoffed, “Happy people don’t need to have fun,” but in fact, studies show that the absence of feeling bad isn’t enough to make you feel good—you must strive to find sources of feeling good. Regularly having fun is a key factor in having a happy life; people who have fun are 20 times more likely to feel happy.

Starting today, for the next week, I’m going to keep another play-related resolution: Take a vacation. I haven’t stepped away from my blog very many times since I started it more than three years ago, but it’s time for a break.

I've started to feel overtapped—the feeling captured perfectly in Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring, when Bilbo says to Gandalf, "I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. That can't be right. I need a change, or something."

Now I’m off to pack for the beach. I'll be back soon.

* This little video really made me want to learn CGI! Maybe that can be my "novelty and challenge" task for Happiness Project II.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 26,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Why Shopping at H&M Is Better Than at Bergdorf's

From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.

I recently read a terrific new novel by Sally Koslow, The Late, Lamented Molly Marx. It has a very interesting premise, which I don’t want to give away, but I will say that it explores an important aspect of happiness.

I raced through the book because I was enjoying it so much (it’s packed with sharp social observation, plus it paints a wonderful picture of New York City), so only after I’d finished it did I realize that the book is a great examination of drift.

In the novel, Molly has a life with her husband and young daughter, and she's also having an affair. She loves and hates her life with her husband; same with the affair. She can’t decide whether to divorce her husband and marry her lover or to end the affair, and she begins to drift in this state. Both fates have their appeal, and their cost.

Molly’s situation is resolved in a surprising way, which I won’t reveal, but it got me thinking about drift. I was interested to see what Sally Koslow would have to say about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Sally: Besides reading novels, which I love so much I decided to try and write one? Dancing, at which I most certainly do not excel, makes me giddy-happy if I’m hearing the right music, even if I’m alone in my kitchen alternating the same two moves my kids mock. So does escaping into a movie trussed-up with corsets and English accents or a well-written contemporary rom-com. Every time I watch Diane Keaton grin to herself while she’s pounding away on her computer in Something's Gotta Give, a movie I can probably lip synch, I want to do the same.

Some activities make me happy once they’re over. I can’t say I adore running, but several times a week I take myself to the park for a long jog and invariably, when the rubber hits the road, my brain manufactures dialogue, plot points, and metaphors, and as e.e. cummings wrote, the world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Procrastination screws with my happiness, even though I know I get a contact high from accomplishment. For me, productivity demands infrastructure. I’d never have been able to complete three novels in the last five years if I hadn’t joined a writing workshop. It gives me feedback, but most important, the group harnesses me to deadlines, without which I’d still be muttering, “Maybe I’ll write a novel!” Being a magazine editor taught me that everyone, for almost everything, requires deadlines. I’m kind of an evangelist about this. Now if only someone would give me a deadline for organizing my photographs.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you find very helpful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
Thornton Wilder’s Our Town is my all-time favorite play, and it inspired my current book, The Late, Lamented Molly Marx.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing that detracts a lot from their happiness?
Envy is the buzz-kill of happiness. This is a theme I’m exploring in my next novel, where four women’s friendships wig out when they start tripping over their envy. (The original title was The Schadenfreude Club—we just changed it to With Friends Like These, since not everyone knows the snarky German word, schadenfreude, which means taking pleasure in someone else’s misery.)

I know I’ve wasted too much time on envying people with more money or success. I wish I could say I’ve learned to short-circuit envy, but the best I do is try to minimize contact with happiness-suckers in favor of being with people I appreciate and who appreciate me. I got happier, for example, when my son switched from private to public school, where the parents took fewer vacations to Tuscany. I try to remind myself that while other women may look like they have it all, they may secretly covet X. For all I know, maybe every woman I envy secretly wants to be a novelist.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I was a cliche high-school and college kid who no doubt looked happy enough but wrote yearning poetry and was often the girl at the party ready to cry. I was shy and didn’t instinctively understand how to make friends. My early role model was Lois Lane, and it helped to cast myself as a reporter for school newspapers, where I was forced to ask people questions. This practice helped, but took me only so far—when I, a North Dakota hayseed, moved to Manhattan to work on Mademoiselle magazine, the culture shock rendered me practically mute. I forced myself to observe women who had a knack for making friends and tried to model their behavior, down to noticing that it’s ordinary good manners to be friendly

During the last eight years, because of dumb luck I’ve lost two editor-in-chief jobs. This crashed my happiness, since I adored my work and believed I was put on earth to edit magazines. To keep my sanity, I started dabbling with writing fiction, which turned into novels—one lost job was running McCall’s, which got turned over to Rosie O’Donnell to start an eponymous magazine. That “you can’t make this stuff up” experience inspired my first novel, Little Pink Slips. I never expected novel-writing to become my new life’s work, and it has made me as happy as I’ve ever been.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy and didn’t?
One of my jobs came with—woo-hoo!—a clothing allowance. Although I’d been devoted to cheap-chic, when I got this perk I threw myself at the mercy of a personal shopper at Bergdorf’s and let her talk me into suits that made me looked like a lady senator, not Sally. I’ll never say money can’t buy a certain peace of mind, but this experience taught me that scoring bargains at H&M makes me happier than posh shopping, which leaves me feeling not pampered, but phony and rip-offed, a sure recipe for unhappiness.

* I'm a big fan of Alexandra Levit's blog Water Cooler Wisdom, which is a terrific resource for "up-to-the-minute career advice from one who has survived the trenches," so I was very pleased to see that she posted about the Happiness Project Toolbox.

* I send out short, free monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.

Fourteen Tips for Running a Better Meeting

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 14 tips for running a good meeting.

Nothing can drain the happiness from you faster than a long, unproductive meeting. You’re bored; you’re not getting anything done; e-mails are piling up while you sit, trapped.

On the other hand, a productive meeting is exhilarating. A long time ago, when I was working in Washington, D.C., I remember a friend who worked at the Department of Justice saying, “Jamie Gorelick runs a meeting so well, it brings tears to my eyes.”

Meetings come in all shapes and sizes, so not all of these strategies will be useful, but here are some things I try to remember when I’m in or running a meeting:

1. Very obvious: Start on time, and end on time. Once people see that meetings are starting late, the bad habit builds, because people see there’s no point in showing up promptly. Here's one solution for late starts: a friend worked at a law firm that started fining partners $100 if they were late to a meeting, which turned out to be very effective. If the meeting has to run long, say, “We’re not through with the seven points, so can everyone stay fifteen extra minutes to wrap up?” That way, people know that the end is in sight.

2. At the same time, remember that it’s helpful to spend a little time in chit-chat. For a long time, I didn’t believe this to be true, and I tried to be hyper-efficient, but now I realize that it’s important—and productive—for people to have a chance to relate on a personal level. People need to build friendships, they need a chance to show their personalities, they need to establish rapport. Meetings are very important for this process.

3. If some people hesitate to jump in, find a way to draw them out. Ability to grab the floor doesn’t necessarily correlate with capacity to contribute.

4. One of the most insightful things my father ever told me was “If you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility.” Meetings often involve blame-giving and blame-taking, and although it’s not pleasant to accept blame, it’s a necessary aspect of getting responsibility (if deserved, of course). Proving my father’s point, one of my best meeting experiences ever was a time when I took the blame—rightly—for something done by a team of people working with me. Doing this ended up dramatically increasing my organizational credibility on all sides.

5. Share the credit. Along with blame, a meeting is also a great place to give people credit for their ideas and accomplishments. Be quick to point out great work or to call for a round of applause for a colleague. For some reason, people often act as though credit is a zero-sum goody, and if they share credit, they’ll get less themselves. From what I’ve seen, sharing credit not only doesn’t diminish the number of gold stars you get, but it adds to them—because people so admire the ability to give credit. (Gold star junkie that I am, I pay close attention in this area.)

6. Making people feel stupid isn’t productive, and it isn’t kind. A friend has a good suggestion: “Be cheerfully, impersonally decisive.”

7. Have an agenda and stick to it. If possible, circulate the agenda in advance, along with anything else that needs to be read to prepare for the meeting. Make sure people know if they should bring anything. Along the same lines …

8. Never go to a meeting if you don’t know why you’re supposed to be there! This seems obvious, but it’s a situation that arises surprisingly frequently.

9. Standing meetings should be kept as short as possible and very structured. Have rules for canceling the meeting when appropriate—if such-and-such doesn’t happen, if only a certain number of people can attend, etc.

10. Don't say things that will undermine or antagonize other people. Turns out they do in fact notice this, and they don't appreciate it. If you wonder whether you're an offender, check yourself against this list.

11. Be very specific about what the “action items” are (to use the business-school term). Who is agreeing to do what, by when? Make sure someone is keeping track of what is supposed to happen as a consequence of the meeting, and at the meeting’s end, review these items so it’s crystal clear to everyone. Follow up by e-mail.

12. If a meeting is long, schedule breaks when people can check their e-mail and phones. Otherwise, they get very distracted by feeling they’ve been out of touch for too long (for some people, this takes about 10 minutes), and they start sneakily e-mailing under the table. As if no one will notice. Which they do.

13. Meetings should stay tightly focused. If people want a chance to discuss side issues, theoretical problems, or philosophical questions that aren’t relevant to the purpose of the meeting, they should set up a separate meeting.

14. Here’s a radical solution: no chairs. In Bob Sutton’s terrific book, The No A**** Rule (printed that way not out of prudery but to avoid spamblockers), he points to a study that showed that people in meetings where everyone stood took 34 percent less time to make an assigned decision, with decisions that were just as good as those made by groups who were sitting down.

What am I missing? What are some other strategies for improving meetings?

* BoingBoing is a "directory of wonderful things," and it truly is. You never know what you'll find, but there's always a lot of interesting stuff there.

* For more discussions about happiness, join the Facebook Page.

Eight Tips for Working More Happily With Your Colleagues.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tips for working more happily with your colleagues.

Last week's tips offered sixteen suggestions for feeling happier at work by tackling aspects of your work space and your day. But actually, your relationships with your co-workers likely has more influence on your happiness.

Maybe you have lots of co-workers -- or maybe, like me, you work by yourself so you have to fashion your own "colleagues." Here are nine strategies that I've used at various point in my work life:

1. Although some people believe it’s best to keep work life and personal life separate, and therefore avoid making friends with colleagues, for most people, having strong friendships makes work more fun. Science supports this: having close relationships is essential to happiness, strengthens the immune system, and reduces anxiety. However…

2. If you’re in a long-term relationship, avoid creating situations that might put you in the path of temptation. (Here are five tips to avoid having an office affair.)

3. If you work alone, take time to mix with other people. Socializing boosts the moods of introverts, as well as extroverts. I love having long stretches when I work by myself in silence, but I’ve realized that I need to make several appointments each week to put me in contact with other people.

4. Each week, walk around your office and talk to a few people you don’t know well. You’ll feel more comfortable socially, plus knowing more people facilitates work flow. Remember the mere exposure effect, as well: repeated exposure makes people like music, faces, even nonsense syllables, better. That means that the more often you see someone, the more intelligent and attractive that person will seem.

5. Apply the Eighth Commandment: Identify the problem. If a colleague gets under your skin, figure out why. I used to work with a guy who enraged me at every meeting. When I started analyzing his techniques, to understand why he was having that effect on me, I became fascinated with the brilliance of his subtle put-downs. (For a list of his strategies, see my book Power Money Fame Sex, chapter 3.)

6. Apply the Twelfth Commandment, There is only love. This commandment was inspired by a friend who took a job where she knew she’d have a difficult boss. From the beginning, she told herself, “There is only love.” She doesn’t allow herself to criticize her boss, even in her own mind, and won’t listen to anyone else’s criticism. She says it’s tough to do, but it has made her job far easier.

7. Say “Good morning” to everyone. This is polite, and it will also help you feel like you have a small connection to everyone you see. That makes your workplace seem more friendly and warm.

8. Cut people slack. You never know what's going on in people's lives, and it's always better to err on the side of being forgiving, not taking things personally, and trying to see the funny side of circumstances.

What am I missing? What are some strategies that you've used to work more happily with your colleagues?

* Zoikes! There's a group for people doing happiness projects forming in Enid, Oklahoma that already has 26 members! Fantastic! If you'd like to start a group, yourself, click here for the starter kit. If you want to connect with other leaders starting groups, check out this discussion. If you want to see if a group is forming in your area, check here (this list looks pretty clunky; we'll make it more visually appealing at some point but just wanted to get the list going at this point).

16 Tips for Feeling Happier at Work

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Sixteen tips for being happier at work.

Being happy at work is, of course, quite related to how much you like your job, but there are small steps you can take to boost your mood. Maintaining the comfort of your body, sprinkling a few small pleasures throughout your day, using your time wisely—a little thought can mean a lot more happiness at work.

As Samuel Johnson observed, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.”

Your work space:
1. Check for eyestrain: Put your hand to your forehead in a salute. If your eyes feel relieved, your space is too bright. When I got my three monitors (an investment that makes me ecstatically happy, by the way), I had to turn down their brightness levels because the glare was terrible.

2. Get a good desk chair and take the time to adjust it properly.

3. Sit up straight—everytime I do, I instantly feel more energetic and cheerier.

4. Indulge in a modest splurge, i.e., consider whether there are ways to spend money that would make a big difference. Could you invest in some desk accessories to help you stay organized? Could you replace an inconvenient lamp with something that works better?

5. Get a phone headset. I resisted for a long time, but it’s really much more comfortable. The phone headset is like the rolling suitcase: Yes, you look a little silly, but it makes life a lot easier.

6. Don’t keep treats around. A handful of M&M's each day might mean a weight gain of five pounds by year’s end. My husband used to work at an office that kept a kitchen fully stocked with treats. When he switched jobs, he dropped about 10 pounds, which actually had me a little worried until we figured out the reason.

7. Periodically, take time to deep-clean the loose papers that have piled up. I never do this until I specifically schedule a time, but I am always amazed at the wonderful calm it brings.

Your day:
8. Never say yes on the phone; instead, say, “I’ll get back to you.” When you’re actually speaking to someone, the desire to be accommodating is very strong and can lead you to say yes without enough consideration.

9. Take care of difficult calls or e-mails as quickly as possible. Procrastinating just makes it harder; getting them done gives a big boost of relieved energy.

10. When accepting a responsibility, imagine that it’s something that you’ll have to do next week. That way you don’t agree to a task just because it seems so far off that it doesn’t seem onerous.

11. Be honest about how you’re spending your time. You feel overwhelmed, but are you really working hard? How much time do you spend surfing the Internet, chatting on the phone, looking for things you’ve misplaced, or doing tasks that are really someone else’s job?

12. Go outside at least once a day, and, if possible, take a walk. The sunlight and activity are good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.

13. Even if you can’t go outside, take a 10-minute break each hour. Studies show that the break boosts your retention level.

14. Don’t let yourself get too hungry.

15. Try to make a lunch date with someone outside the office at least once a week.

16. Let yourself stay ignorant of things you don’t need to know.

* I’ve never heard of Manhattanhenge, and yesterday I missed this once-a-year sunset spectacle. How will I remember to figure out on what date it will fall next year?

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 21,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Sandra Day O'Connor's Secret to Happiness

Years ago, when I was a lawyer, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor—which was one of those rare, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime work experiences. There are many reasons that I don’t regret law school and my years as a lawyer before becoming a writer, and the chance to work for Justice O’Connor is one of them.

The other day, I was on the phone with O'Connor. We were talking about her terrific new site, Our Courts, which teaches children about civics, and she’d also visited my Web site.

“I can tell you what I believe is the secret to a happy life,” she said.

“What’s that, Justice?” I asked. (Side note: When you speak directly to a Justice, you address him or her as “Justice”—e.g., “Justice, the cert petitions are here.” This, I always thought, must act as a frequent reminder to them about the value they are supposed to embody!) “What’s your secret?”

“Work worth doing,” she answered firmly.

“What about relationships?” I asked. From what I can tell, looking at modern science and ancient philosophy, if you had to pick a single factor as the one most likely to lead to a happy life, having strong relationships would be a strong candidate. Of course, most people form a lot of strong relationships at work.

“No,” she said in her brisk way. “Work worth doing—that’s all you really need.”

“Can I quote you?” I asked.

“Yes, yes,” she said.

Work worth doing. What do you think? Is that the one thing you need for a happy life?

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

There Can Be No Joy in Living Without ...

"There can be no joy in living without joy in work."—St. Thomas Aquinas

* One of my favorite sites is Leo Babauta's Zen Habits. I find something valuable every time I visit. Leo also has a terrific site aimed at writers, Write to Done—great stuff if you're doing any writing.

* If you've signed up to get the happiness-project-group starter kit—which is for people who want to start a group for people doing happiness projects—it should go out today or tomorrow. At last! Keep me posted about how it goes; I can't wait to hear about everyone's experiences with these groups, and I want to do anything I can to help.

If you'd like to get a starter kit yourself, e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.

Reading in the Tub, Escaping From the Cubicle

By far the best part of the SXSW conference was meeting other bloggers whom I’ve read but never seen face-to-face—such as Pamela Slim, who has a terrific blog, Escape From Cubicle Nation (one of the top career blogs), and whose book, Escape From Cubicle Nation, is just about to hit the shelves.

I was lucky enough to get a copy of her book early, and the thing I most love about it is that it's very specific. It is packed with useful information and suggestions for actions you could take right now to work on your career. I don't need to escape from a cubicle, and nevertheless I found it hugely helpful.

Because of the strong relationship between happiness and work, Pam has done a lot of thinking about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Pam: I love to read books in the bathtub. If I am tired or grumpy or stressed, climbing into a hot bath with a good book is an instant mood shifter. The type of book is important if I am feeling really low. It needs to be exceptionally well-written, creative and uplifting. Favorite bathside reads are The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and If You Want To Write by Brenda Ueland.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I am stronger than I thought I was at 18. And I don't have to change myself to please anyone. That was a lesson that took about 10 painful years to learn. But once I did, I got really clear that the only way to be truly happy was to be very clear with my boundaries.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I sometimes let stressful thoughts swirl around in my head for too long, which causes anxiety and makes me feel grumpy. When I notice that I am making myself unhappy, I step back, examine the thought (like "Things are never going to change" or "This situation is hopeless") and turn it around to something more true and useful (like "Things are always changing, and for the better" or "No situation is hopeless—there is always a way out.") When I change the thought, the feeling changes, and my mood lifts.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
I adore the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation and use it all the time if I am feeling stressed:
May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be free from suffering.
May you be safe.

I also love a particular part of a Navajo prayer, which I learned from my husband:
With beauty before me, may I walk.
With beauty behind me, may I walk.
With beauty above me, may I walk.
With beauty below me, may I walk.
With beauty all around me, may I walk.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I think that many people, including myself sometimes, look for happiness in the future. They think they will be happy once they have a certain level of financial success or their blog traffic doubles or they get lots of clients or they find a man (or woman) and get married. In reality, wherever you go, there you are. So by finding joy in the present, in its beautiful imperfection, any future goal that you accomplish will just be a cherry on top.

* The fabulous Sister Project is an enthralling collection of material having to do with sisters and sisterhood, very broadly imagined. Fascinating.

* Want to volunteer as a superfan—to help with the prelaunch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related Web site, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot] com. Just write “superfan” in the subject line.

"Maybe Happiness Isn't the Most Important Part of a Well-Lived Life"

Penelope Trunk is one of the most interesting and provocative writers about career happiness—and happiness in general. (I think it’s almost impossible to untangle these two issues, but Penelope might disagree with me on that.) She wrote a terrific book, Brazen Careerist; she writes a very popular blog also called Brazen Careerist; and she’s the CEO of BrazenCareerist.com, an online community and consulting firm.

The thing about Penelope is that, yes, she is brazen. She's unusually honest about her views and her experiences (for example, she wrote a lot about going into marriage counseling), and unlike many highly opinionated people, she packs her writing with solid information and backs up her perspective. I always get a lot out of reading her material—I don’t always agree, but I’m always fascinated.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Penelope: There is nothing simple that I can rely on to make me happier. Yoga always makes me happy, but getting myself to do it is difficult even though I'm always happy I did it. Kissing someone I have a crush on always makes me happy, but finding the crush and orchestrating the kiss is tricky.

I want to tell you that expressing gratitude always makes me happier. I know that research says this is true. But I think we could debate forever how much increase in happiness is so small it's not even worth talking about. I'm not sure. But a kiss with a crush is always worth talking about.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18?
My happiness levels in life don't particularly change depending on where I am in life. I have sort of a setpoint. I veer from it in the same way I veer from my regular weight the day after Thanksgiving—I always go back to that setpoint.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Eating bread is what I’m working on right now. I've been off gluten enough to know that it makes a difference in my anxiety levels. I am calmer with no gluten. But bread is so yummy, and also it's the food I turn to if I want to do emotional eating. Over the course of a day I am happier if I don't eat bread, but over the course of a minute—when the bread is in front of me—it's hard to make the right decisions.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've find very helpful?
I tell myself that happiness is not about making good choices or having success; it's about being resilient when we mess up.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I eat bread. And then I have the problem above. If I am really, unhappy I go to bed. Severe unhappiness generally goes away with time.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I see a lot of bullshit around me. So I am sort of cynical about the discussion of happiness. I am not sure that I think the discussion of "Am I happy?" is productive. I think life is extremely difficult, for everyone, and that in order to get through life we have tricks for ourselves to continue the journey, and happiness is sort of a trick. I don't think there is a lot of happiness in life. There is a lot of hopefulness and interest in how things unfold, and there are spurts of happiness. Sometimes I think that happiness is maybe not the most important part of a well-lived life. But I'm not sure.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy? And why?
Always the same. I have earned $300,000/year in NYC, and I have earned $45,000 a year. And there was no change. I have been married and divorced, and there was no change. I have had lots of friends and very few friends, and no change. I am generally upbeat and optimistic, and I am an optimizer. And nearly none of those things ever changes.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes. By reading the research and watching how it applies to my life. Right now I am consumed with the idea that one of the biggest impacts you can have on happiness levels is going from no sex to having regular sex with a regular partner. Working on that one. Forget daily gratitudes. Those don't impact happiness nearly as much.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy didn't—or vice versa?
I thought money would make me happy. It didn't. I still think money would make me happy. There is cognitive dissonance, and I think it might be part of our DNA. Here's an irony: That in order to spend days implementing the happiness research, you'd do best to have someone else supporting you financially, so you can focus on happiness. I get stuck on thinking like this. I'm not sure how right it is; I just know that people—most people—are stuck on the money issue, even if they won't admit it.

*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

A Lawyer's Guide to Happiness: Give Subway Directions, Cook Healthy Food

One of my favorite people with whom to discuss happiness is Michael Melcher. Michael is a career coach who has an incredible breadth of personal experience from which to draw: While in college, under the name Jane Harvard, he wrote a novel with three friends, The Student Body; he has a JD/MBA from Stanford and has worked as a lawyer; he served in Calcutta, India, and Taipei, Taiwan, in the Foreign Service; he has a blog with a lot of great material, at the Creative Lawyer.

One of his most recent accomplishments is the publication of the book The Creative Lawyer. It's described as "a practical guide to authentic professional satisfaction" and is aimed at helping lawyers be happier in their work. For my happiness project, I’ve read a lot of books about career satisfaction, and this is absolutely one of the best (and I’m not just saying that because Michael is a friend!). In fact, I think that the book isn’t helpful for lawyers only but for anyone who is thinking about ways to be happier at work.

Michael has not only done a lot of thinking about happiness, he's also done a lot of thinking about what practical changes actually can help boost career happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Michael: Giving someone directions on the subway or helping them carry a bag up a flight of subterranean stairs makes me almost bizarrely happy.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18?
Whatever issues you have at 18 related to self-acceptance, moodiness, need for validation, and desire to be special (to name a few) will most likely still be present when you are 30, 40, or 50. They probably will never go away. But you can learn ways to manage them. So I guess I would say that a big part of happiness is recognizing who you actually are and finding ways to bring out the best in that person and manage the less wonderful parts.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Comparing myself with others is something that I do consistently, and it is always an impediment to happiness. See my answer to question no. 2 above.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Every single time I exercise, I feel better. Even though I know this, it does take some effort to get myself out the door. I have also discovered over the years that eating quality, healthful food has a huge impact on my overall happiness, especially if I cook it myself. One happiness learning is that the physical and emotional components of happiness are completely intertwined.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to or detracts a lot from their happiness?
People confuse “I can’t” with “I won’t.” I see this especially in my line of work, which involves working with people to take action to improve their careers and lives. It’s so automatic for people to say they can’t do things: They can’t move, they can’t get by on less money, they can’t send their kids to public schools, they can’t find a good partner, they can’t pursue their passions. In most cases the truth is that they can, but don’t want to accept the consequences of those choices. It’s fine to choose to do or not to do things, so long as we acknowledge that we are choosing. But when people speak in a way that eliminates agency over their lives, they end up frustrating, angering, and depressing themselves. And they seem inauthentic to others. This is why we never want to listen to someone complain about all the things they can’t do in life.

Aside from raising children, our careers are usually the most direct creative expression we have. Yet most people I know live in a state of uncertainty and anxiety about their careers. The old paradigms don’t work, but we don’t have any new ones to replace them. There’s a kind of pressure to stand for finer things, but one’s own creative expression in the world is one of life’s important things. Bright, conscientious people today are incredibly frustrated because they aren’t sure how to go along this unknown path, feel embarrassed that they’re making a big deal about it, and are also terrified that they’ll get things wrong.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why?
At my current point in life, I feel closer to who I was as a little boy than I felt for much of my life. I was a creative, positive, curious kid, but at a certain point I fell into a preprofessional kind of track that was not very satisfying to me. It took me a long time to unlearn that.

I think that I have always had a rich range of feelings—I have a lot of zest for life but at the same time have a lot of feelings that can go negative. For instance, I can’t watch nature shows or anything that shows animals or fish or birds being hurt or killed. Nature actually kind of freaks me out. I love it, but it is so Hobbesian. So I guess for me a full life includes both happy and dark moments, feelings of great satisfaction along with unquenchable yearnings.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
All the time. I am like that character in Jonathan Franzen’s novel The Corrections who is constantly monitoring his serotonin level and wondering which factors are leading to which results.

Having followed your blog for some time (and having read your awesome manuscript) [thanks, Michael!], I think that you are really onto something: creating and following a set of specific habits is probably the best thing we can do to keep happiness alive in our lives.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy didn’t—or vice versa?
I’m surprised that selling makes me happy.

* A thoughtful reader e-mailed me the link to a fabulous post, Abstract City, by Christoph Niemann. Anyone can enjoy these, but they are particularly charming when you live in New York City.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line.

Organic Chocolate and "God's Reset Button"

From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.

Jonathan Fields, of Awake at the Wheel blog fame, has a new book that just hit the shelves two days ago: Career Renegade. Remarkably, Amazon sold out on the first day it went on sale—but perhaps that’s not a surprise, because it’s a book that's meant to help you figure out how to make a living doing a job you love. That's obviously an issue of great interest to many people, especially these days. Turning a passion for video games into a career is a transformation that could make someone very happy.

Jonathan has done a lot of thinking about the relationship between happiness and work—one of the most fascinating subtopics within the subject of happiness and also an area that people find very challenging to change when it’s not working.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Jonathan: Coming up with new knock-knock jokes with my 7-year-old daughter. For me, it’s all about people and flow. So, activities that take me away, especially ones I can share with people I love to be around, are the activities I tend to be drawn to.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That it’s not about what you have, it’s about who you bring to the party. Experiences and people are the holy grail, not money and stuff.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Planning. I tend to be very driven and, along with that comes a fair amount of thinking about and living in the future. It’s good to think about what’s coming next, to work to make it unfold the way you want it to.

But, life’s uncertain. That may be the only thing in life I’m certain about. And what you work so hard to make happen down the road may not happen. So, giving up too much of the juicy stuff that lies in front of you every day isn’t necessarily the most intelligent tradeoff in the world. Think about what you want …but love, cherish, nourish, and be grateful for what you’ve got.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
Actually, it’s something that was shared with me by the soon-to-be former editor of Lifehacker, Gina Trapani. When I was interviewing her for my book, Career Renegade, at one point she said, “You do the thing you can’t not do.”

There’s so much in those seven simple words. A second one comes from the epic poem "The Bhagavad Gita," and it translates roughly as “It’s far better to follow your own path imperfectly than to follow another’s perfectly.”

Similar sentiment. Both speak to the critical importance of being authentic.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
You mean, besides a honking hunk of Green & Black’s 70 percent dark organic chocolate?! For most of my life, movement or exercise has been my go-to pick me up. There’s just something about moving, breathing and sweating.

It’s like God’s reset button.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
On the “adds to” side of the equation, focusing on what is right and what can go right and being consciously grateful for what you have. Just flip that around and you end up on the “detracts from" side.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I’ve definitely run the gamut. Much of my unhappiness, when it’s been more present, has come from either an unwillingness to accept my lack of control over certain circumstances in life or seeing those close to me going through challenging times and being unable to make it OK.

I’m a solver. And, when I can’t solve … well, that bugs me. For the most part, though, I have to admit, I live a pretty blessed life.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes, and this follows largely from my last answer. The more comfortable I get accepting some stuff’s just out of my control, the less anxiety and frustration I tend to carry. I don’t waste huge amounts of time or energy trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or make certain things that will never be certain.

I also check in on a pretty regular basis to make sure I’m allocating my time and energy in a way that’s consistent with what makes me come alive. From a career standpoint, that almost always involves the process of creation with great people. And, from a personal standpoint, it means making sure I am not only there, but present, as much as possible to play with my family and friends.

Oh, and one last thing. I try to laugh as often as possible (which isn’t too hard for me, since I’m genetically inclined toward dorkdom).

*Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.