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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Back by popular demand...fifteen tips to avoid nagging.
I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so figuring out how to end nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.
But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?
One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!
That's something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:
1. It’s annoying to hear a hectoring voice, so suggest tasks without words. When my husband needs a prescription filled, he puts his empty medicine bottle on the bathroom counter. Then I know to get it re-filled.
2. If you need to voice a reminder, limit yourself to one word. Instead of barking out, “Now remember, I’ve told you a dozen times, stop off at the grocery store, we need milk, if you forget, you’re going right back out!” Instead, I call out, “Grocery store!” or “Milk!”
3. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to trim those hedges today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to trim the hedges?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to trim the hedges before our party next week?”
4. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute, it was incredibly rude, and I was enraged. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”
5. Have clear assignments.
6. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.
7. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen.
8. Do it yourself. I used to be annoyed with my husband because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.
9. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement.
10. Re-frame: decide that you don’t mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think.
11. Don’t push for the impossible. There’s no way I’ll do anything relating to our car, so my husband doesn’t even ask.
12. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t mock the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.
13. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods a few nights a week? These days, money is very tight, but eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.
14. Remember that messy areas tend to stay messy, and tidy areas tend to stay tidy. If you want your partner to be neat, be neat yourself!
15. Remind yourself -- generally, nagging doesn't work.
Any other ideas about how to avoid nagging? What have I missed?
Also, sometimes one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. That person just doesn't notice, and doesn't care. In that case, it's hard to know what to do. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. I'm a naggee as well as a nagger. If that's your situation -- what do you do? What advice to do you offer?
* Take a Walk on the Happy Side is an absolutely extraordinary blog. Maggie says she was inspired by me, but I'm far more inspired by her. She has identical twin boys, now 4 1/2, with Down syndrome, and she's been posting recently about their surgery and their difficult recovery. I'm awed by Maggie's determination and sweetness of spirit. Check it out.
* Word-of-mouth Day! Today, I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (and follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
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I was over at a friend’s house—for a meeting of one of my two children’s literature reading groups, in fact—where I saw her framed copy of "Desiderata." (Desiderata is a Latin word meaning “things to be desired.”) I’d seen it before, but I’d never read more than the first few lines, and I was struck by the soundness of the suggestions.
I always thought "Desiderata" was an inscription in an old churchyard, but it was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. This bit of information detracts from its mystique somewhat, but it's still an interesting list.
1. Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
2. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
3. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
4. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; for they are vexations to the spirit.
5. If you compare yourself with others you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
6. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
7. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
8. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery; but let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
9. Be yourself. [There it is, yet again, my First Commandment: Be Gretchen.]
10. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
11. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
12. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
13. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
14. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
15. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
16. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, be at peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Strive to be happy.
My favorite is No. 18. You can’t always be happy, but you can strive to be happy. And it's not selfish to strive to be happy—that's Happiness Myth No. 10. Remember the Second Splendid Truth!
Speaking of inscriptions found (or not) in churchyards, here’s my own favorite gravestone inscription:
Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.
Which item do you find most important in your own life?
* Daniel Schawbel, of the popular Personal Branding Blog and author of the book Me 2.0, was nice enough to do an interview with me.
* Wait, have I mentioned that the book, The Happiness Project, is coming out soon? Well, yes. I have. Many times. And here I am, mentioning it again -- and here's the pre-order link.
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I just finished a very engaging book, Richard Stengel’s You're Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery
. I wish I’d had this book as a resource when I was writing my first book, Power Money Fame Sex
. It’s a treasure trove of anecdotes and observations about flattery—a topic that comes up with some frequency when you’re writing about money, power, fame, and sex.
The book is history and social criticism, but at the end, Stengel includes a list called “How to flatter without getting caught.”
To put flattery in a happier context, I adapted his list to focus on giving good praise rather than flattery. Now, what’s the difference between flattery and praise? Flattery is strategic; it’s praise given for a self-serving reason. But many of the same rules apply:
1. Be specific. Vague praise doesn’t make much of an impression.
2. Find a way to praise sincerely. It’s a rare situation where you can’t identify something that you honestly find praiseworthy.
3. Never offer praise and ask for a favor in the same conversation. It makes the praise seem like a setup.
4. Don’t overpraise. Keep it credible and realistic.
5. Look for something less obvious to praise, a more obscure accomplishment or quality that a person hasn’t heard praised many times before.
6. Don’t hesitate to praise people who get a lot of praise already. I’ve noticed this myself: Even people who get constant praise—or perhaps especially people who get constant praise—crave yet more praise. Is this because praise-worthy people are often insecure? Or does getting praise lead to a need for more praise? I’m not sure, but it seems often to be the case.
7. Praise people behind their backs. The praised person usually hears about the praise, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise.
8. Beware when a person asks for your honest opinion. This is often a clue that they're seeking reassurance, not candor.
9. Don’t damn with faint praise. “You were so lousy when you started—you’ve really come a long way” or “You did a much better job than I expected” is not praise that will warm people’s hearts.
Because the way we feel is very much influenced by the way we act, by acting in a way that shows appreciation, discernment, and thoughtfulness, we make ourselves feel more appreciative, discerning, and thoughtful. And that boosts happiness.
Have you thought of any other good ways for giving people praise? As my mother once wisely pointed out to me, "Most people probably don't get the appreciation they deserve." Very true, and therefore ...
... if you're grappling with the opposite problem—of not getting enough praise yourself—check out these Five tips for dealing with feeling unappreciated. I'm a praise junkie myself, so I have tried all these strategies. With mixed success.
* Non sequitur: Today is July 8, 2009. At six seconds after 4:05 a.m. this morning, the time was 04:05:06 07-08-09. Shoot, I slept right through it.
* Lots of great discussion on the Facebook Page. Check it out!
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Sixteen tips for being happier at work.
Being happy at work is, of course, quite related to how much you like your job, but there are small steps you can take to boost your mood. Maintaining the comfort of your body, sprinkling a few small pleasures throughout your day, using your time wisely—a little thought can mean a lot more happiness at work.
As Samuel Johnson observed, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.”
Your work space:
1. Check for eyestrain: Put your hand to your forehead in a salute. If your eyes feel relieved, your space is too bright. When I got my three monitors (an investment that makes me ecstatically happy, by the way), I had to turn down their brightness levels because the glare was terrible.
2. Get a good desk chair and take the time to adjust it properly.
3. Sit up straight—everytime I do, I instantly feel more energetic and cheerier.
4. Indulge in a modest splurge, i.e., consider whether there are ways to spend money that would make a big difference. Could you invest in some desk accessories to help you stay organized? Could you replace an inconvenient lamp with something that works better?
5. Get a phone headset. I resisted for a long time, but it’s really much more comfortable. The phone headset is like the rolling suitcase: Yes, you look a little silly, but it makes life a lot easier.
6. Don’t keep treats around. A handful of M&M's each day might mean a weight gain of five pounds by year’s end. My husband used to work at an office that kept a kitchen fully stocked with treats. When he switched jobs, he dropped about 10 pounds, which actually had me a little worried until we figured out the reason.
7. Periodically, take time to deep-clean the loose papers that have piled up. I never do this until I specifically schedule a time, but I am always amazed at the wonderful calm it brings.
Your day:
8. Never say yes on the phone; instead, say, “I’ll get back to you.” When you’re actually speaking to someone, the desire to be accommodating is very strong and can lead you to say yes without enough consideration.
9. Take care of difficult calls or e-mails as quickly as possible. Procrastinating just makes it harder; getting them done gives a big boost of relieved energy.
10. When accepting a responsibility, imagine that it’s something that you’ll have to do next week. That way you don’t agree to a task just because it seems so far off that it doesn’t seem onerous.
11. Be honest about how you’re spending your time. You feel overwhelmed, but are you really working hard? How much time do you spend surfing the Internet, chatting on the phone, looking for things you’ve misplaced, or doing tasks that are really someone else’s job?
12. Go outside at least once a day, and, if possible, take a walk. The sunlight and activity are good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.
13. Even if you can’t go outside, take a 10-minute break each hour. Studies show that the break boosts your retention level.
14. Don’t let yourself get too hungry.
15. Try to make a lunch date with someone outside the office at least once a week.
16. Let yourself stay ignorant of things you don’t need to know.
* I’ve never heard of Manhattanhenge, and yesterday I missed this once-a-year sunset spectacle. How will I remember to figure out on what date it will fall next year?
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 21,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips for making good conversation with a stranger.
I posted before about tips for knowing if you're boring someone and tips to avoid being a bore. But while it might be fairly easy to avoid topics that are likely to bore someone, it's much harder to figure out what to say if you want to be interesting. Making polite conversation can be tough.
“So where do you live?”
“Chelsea.”
“Really. I live on the upper east side.”
“Great …”
Painful silence.
Here are some strategies to try when your mind is a blank:
1. Comment on a topic common to both of you at the moment: the food, the room, the occasion, the weather. “How do you know our host?” “What brings you to this event?” But keep it on the positive side! Unless you can be hilariously funny, the first time you come in contact with a person isn’t a good time to complain.
2. Comment on a topic of general interest. A friend scans Google News right before he goes anywhere where he needs to make small talk, so he can say, “Did you hear that Justice Souter is stepping down from the bench?” or whatever might be happening.
3. Ask open questions that can’t be answered with a single word. “What’s keeping you busy these days?” This is a good question if you’re talking to a person who doesn’t have an office job. It’s also helpful because it allows people to choose their focus (work, volunteer, family, hobby) — preferable to the inevitable question (well, inevitable at least in New York City): “What do you do?”
A variant: “What are you working on these days?” This is a useful dodge if you ought to know what the person does for a living, but can’t remember.
4. If you do ask a question that can be answered in a single word, instead of just supplying your own information in response, ask a follow-up question. For example, if you ask, “Where are you from?” an interesting follow-up question might be, “What would your life be like if you still lived there?” If you ask, “Do you have children?” you might ask, “How are you a different kind of parent from your own parents?” or “Have you decided to do anything very differently from the way you were raised?”
5. Ask getting-to-know-you questions. “What newspapers and magazines do you subscribe to? What internet sites do you visit regularly?” These questions often reveal a hidden passion, which can make for great conversation.
6. React to what a person says in the spirit in which that that comment was offered. If he makes a joke, even if it’s not very funny, try to laugh. If she offers some surprising information (“Did you know that one out of every seven books sold last year was written by Stephanie Meyer?”), react with surprise. Recently, I’ve had a few conversations where the person I was talking to just never reacted to what I said. I was trying to be all insightful and interesting, and these two people reacted as though everything I said was completely obvious and dull. It was unsatisfying.
Now, what to do if a conversation is just not working, and there’s no way to use the “Excuse me, I need to go get something to drink” line? Recently, at a dinner party, the guy sitting on my right side was clearly very bored by me. He explained to me at length about how happiness didn’t really exist, but after setting me straight on that question didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and after a few failed attempts at other topics, after an awkward pause in the conversation (my fault as much as his), he said, “Um, so where are you from?” It was such a listless, uninspired effort that I leaned over, put my hand on his arm, and said meanly, “Now, Paul, surely we can do better than that!” and changed the conversation. (It is moments like that that make me happy that I basically gave up drinking.)
So what can you do when the conversation is such a struggle?
7. A friend argues that you should admit it! “We’re really working hard, aren’t we?” or “It’s frustrating—I’m sure we have interests in common, but we’re having a difficult time finding them.” Clearly this is a desperate measure, but my friend insists that it works. I’ve never had the gumption to try it, I have to admit.
What are some other strategies for starting an interesting conversation with a stranger? What have I overlooked? On a related note, here are some tips if you can't remember someone's name.
* I’m a huge fan of Twitter, in part because it has helped me find so many great writers and great information, and one person –- and blog -- that I discovered on Twitter is Gwen Bell. She writes about branding, social media, and creativity, and always has fresh, interesting things to say.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 20,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
Jonathan Fields, of Awake at the Wheel blog fame, has a new book that just hit the shelves two days ago: Career Renegade
. Remarkably, Amazon sold out on the first day it went on sale—but perhaps that’s not a surprise, because it’s a book that's meant to help you figure out how to make a living doing a job you love. That's obviously an issue of great interest to many people, especially these days. Turning a passion for video games into a career is a transformation that could make someone very happy.
Jonathan has done a lot of thinking about the relationship between happiness and work—one of the most fascinating subtopics within the subject of happiness and also an area that people find very challenging to change when it’s not working.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Jonathan: Coming up with new knock-knock jokes with my 7-year-old daughter. For me, it’s all about people and flow. So, activities that take me away, especially ones I can share with people I love to be around, are the activities I tend to be drawn to.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That it’s not about what you have, it’s about who you bring to the party. Experiences and people are the holy grail, not money and stuff.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Planning. I tend to be very driven and, along with that comes a fair amount of thinking about and living in the future. It’s good to think about what’s coming next, to work to make it unfold the way you want it to.
But, life’s uncertain. That may be the only thing in life I’m certain about. And what you work so hard to make happen down the road may not happen. So, giving up too much of the juicy stuff that lies in front of you every day isn’t necessarily the most intelligent tradeoff in the world. Think about what you want …but love, cherish, nourish, and be grateful for what you’ve got.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
Actually, it’s something that was shared with me by the soon-to-be former editor of Lifehacker, Gina Trapani. When I was interviewing her for my book, Career Renegade, at one point she said, “You do the thing you can’t not do.”
There’s so much in those seven simple words. A second one comes from the epic poem "The Bhagavad Gita," and it translates roughly as “It’s far better to follow your own path imperfectly than to follow another’s perfectly.”
Similar sentiment. Both speak to the critical importance of being authentic.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
You mean, besides a honking hunk of Green & Black’s 70 percent dark organic chocolate?! For most of my life, movement or exercise has been my go-to pick me up. There’s just something about moving, breathing and sweating.
It’s like God’s reset button.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
On the “adds to” side of the equation, focusing on what is right and what can go right and being consciously grateful for what you have. Just flip that around and you end up on the “detracts from" side.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I’ve definitely run the gamut. Much of my unhappiness, when it’s been more present, has come from either an unwillingness to accept my lack of control over certain circumstances in life or seeing those close to me going through challenging times and being unable to make it OK.
I’m a solver. And, when I can’t solve … well, that bugs me. For the most part, though, I have to admit, I live a pretty blessed life.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes, and this follows largely from my last answer. The more comfortable I get accepting some stuff’s just out of my control, the less anxiety and frustration I tend to carry. I don’t waste huge amounts of time or energy trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or make certain things that will never be certain.
I also check in on a pretty regular basis to make sure I’m allocating my time and energy in a way that’s consistent with what makes me come alive. From a career standpoint, that almost always involves the process of creation with great people. And, from a personal standpoint, it means making sure I am not only there, but present, as much as possible to play with my family and friends.
Oh, and one last thing. I try to laugh as often as possible (which isn’t too hard for me, since I’m genetically inclined toward dorkdom).
*Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.