The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Who's in a Starring Role; Who's in a Walk-On Role? All of Us.

Years ago, my husband and I fixed up a very close friend with another friend. They fell in love; it was great. But within a few years, he got sick. She stood by him through it all. Then he died. It was awful. And it was very, very hard on our friend.

It was a sad situation for many reasons. As the years passed, one thing continued to bother me: I felt we had put a beloved friend in the path to sorrow. It had been inadvertent, and well-intentioned, but still, we had brought all this pain into our good friend’s life.

I mentioned this to my husband, and he said something that completely changed my thinking. He said, “Yes, it was very hard on her. But think how much better it was for him.”

This thought, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me. I realized how often I make this error. I was acting as though my friend were the main character of this story! That she was the one who really mattered. And I saw that I make this mistake all the time. I’m the most main character, of course, and then the people close to me, and so on … with some people just appearing as extras or in walk-on roles.

But that’s not true. Everyone is a main character. And everyone is a minor character. And as I started thinking about this, I realized that many of my favorite happiness passages concerned exactly this shift: someone re-interpreting a situation, by understanding how different circumstances would seem if someone else were placed in the starring role.

Each has haunted me, but only now do I see what theme links them together.

*

Reading Flannery O’Connor’s letters led me to the extraordinary book, A Memoir of Mary Ann, a memoir about a little girl, Mary Ann, who lived with a gruesome tumor on her face before dying of cancer, written by the nuns with whom she lived for several years in a free cancer-treatment home.

Near the end of Mary Ann’s life, a 5-month-old baby, Stephanie, was brought to the cancer home. Stephanie’s parents were crushed at the thought of leaving their baby there.

The nuns relate that for years, Mary Ann had longed for a baby to take care of. When Stephanie arrived, she said shyly to the baby’s mother, “I didn’t pray for a baby to be sick, but I prayed that if a baby was sick, it would come here.”

Later, the mother wrote the nuns, “I had accepted the hurt [my child’s affliction] brought me, but I had not accepted the fact that I had to give her up. My husband was suffering too and my attitude … was not helping much. Mary Ann’s words opened my understanding. Stephanie was needed … this child [Mary Ann] with the bandaged face and a heart full of love needed her. … God had given me a good husband, six beautiful children. This last child was probably the most special of them all, destined for something I knew nothing about.”

*

In Viktor Frankl’s masterpiece, Man’s Search for Meaning, he relates a story from his psychiatric practice, when an elderly man, distraught with grief over the death of his wife two years earlier, came to him.

Frankl asked, “What would have happened … if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?”

The man answered, “Oh, for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!”

Frankl responded, “You see … such a suffering has been spared to her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering—to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.”

The man left the office, comforted. Frankl observed, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

*

Here’s an example from children’s literature. In Rick Riordan’s novel, The Sea of Monsters, the hero of the story, 13-year-old Percy Jackson (who happens to be the son of the sea god Poseidon and a mortal woman), has taken Tyson, a huge, awkward boy who seems to be learning-disabled, with a misshapen face, under his wing. They go to high school together, but Percy isn’t exactly sure why he’s bothering to protect Tyson and drag him along on his Olympian adventures.

He keeps Tyson with him, though, and at the end of the book, Percy learns that Tyson is also a son of Poseidon, and he’s a Cyclops, which is why his face looks wrong. (He has only one eye.)

Tyson says to Percy, “Poseidon did take care for me after all. …I prayed to Daddy for help. …He sent me a brother.”

Ah! Percy thought that Tyson was tagging along with him, but in fact, he was a supporting character in Tyson's adventure.

*

It’s a very unsettling and interesting exercise to think about the people in my life and to imagine myself in a minor, supporting role. How do I fit into their fates? Am I helping?

* I always find interesting things at LifeDev, "empowering creative people." Good stuff.

* I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city. Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

Eighteen Tips that Aren't—It Turns Out—From a Churchyard

I was over at a friend’s house—for a meeting of one of my two children’s literature reading groups, in fact—where I saw her framed copy of "Desiderata." (Desiderata is a Latin word meaning “things to be desired.”) I’d seen it before, but I’d never read more than the first few lines, and I was struck by the soundness of the suggestions.

I always thought "Desiderata" was an inscription in an old churchyard, but it was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. This bit of information detracts from its mystique somewhat, but it's still an interesting list.

1. Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
2. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
3. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
4. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; for they are vexations to the spirit.
5. If you compare yourself with others you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
6. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
7. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
8. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery; but let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
9. Be yourself. [There it is, yet again, my First Commandment: Be Gretchen.]
10. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
11. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
12. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
13. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
14. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
15. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
16. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, be at peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Strive to be happy.

My favorite is No. 18. You can’t always be happy, but you can strive to be happy. And it's not selfish to strive to be happy—that's Happiness Myth No. 10. Remember the Second Splendid Truth!

Speaking of inscriptions found (or not) in churchyards, here’s my own favorite gravestone inscription:

Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.

Which item do you find most important in your own life?

* Daniel Schawbel, of the popular Personal Branding Blog and author of the book Me 2.0, was nice enough to do an interview with me.

* Wait, have I mentioned that the book, The Happiness Project, is coming out soon? Well, yes. I have. Many times. And here I am, mentioning it again -- and here's the pre-order link.

Choose the Bigger Life; No-Pressure Knitting

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I love visiting this blog’s companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox—it’s fun to add to my own Inspiration Board, keep up with my own one-sentence journal (mine is a journal of what I’m reading), check my lists, etc.

But I’m really addicted to the site because I love looking at what other people are writing. I can’t get enough of reading other people’s favorite quotations on the Inspiration Boards, seeing other people’s personal commandments, and all the rest. (To see what other people have added, you can click on the Tools listed across the top or on the “more” running down the right side.)

Today, instead of proposing one of my resolutions for your happiness project, I gathered six of my favorite resolutions from that section of the Toolbox. These are resolutions posted by other people that I’m going to start to follow myself:

1. Say “I love you” every day.
2. Choose the bigger life.
3. Read books with my children.
4. Laugh with my wife daily [OK, I’ll change this to “husband”].
5. Kindness.
6. Put clothes away.

I don’t knit, so I won’t follow the resolution “no pressure knitting,” but that resolution gave me such a clear picture of that person and that happiness project! I laughed out loud; I know exactly what that means.

One note: I see that a lot of people have the resolution to “drink more water.” It’s not clear that this is a helpful resolution. Maybe you don't need to drink more water. If you love drinking water, then by all means, drink water, but from what I can see, the benefits are quite overblown, so you don’t need to worry about this too much.

We all have a limited capacity for sticking to resolutions, so make sure you’re getting the biggest happiness bang for the buck. You'd probably be better off using your precious resolution energy toward going for a 10-minute walk instead of trying to drink water.

What resolutions have proved most helpful in your happiness projects?

* Ashby Jones at the Wall Street Journal law blog did a two-part interview with me this week. We had a great time talking about happiness, lawyers, and career choices in general.
Part I
Part II

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting commentary there.

You've Forgotten Someone's Name. Here's What To Do.

If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a 3-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

In ancient Rome, the job of the "nomenclator" was to whisper or announce the names of people as they approached a politician. My husband serves this function for me; he has an uncanny ability to recall names and faces—people he has met once, years ago, and also famous people. I'll insist I've never met someone before, and he'll say, "Wasn't he in your class in college?" I have no idea how he does it, but I really suffer when I go to social events without him.

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you 'David,' but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you—in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me—what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of reintroducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name! And while you're at it, remember to smile. It really does make a difference in how friendly you're perceived to be.

* The brilliant Leo Babauta of Zen Habits fame has started a site, Mnmlist.com, about minimalism, "How less is the answer." Lots of wonderful material there.

* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If you'd come to a book event I was doing in your town, it would be very helpful if you'd drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

Ten Tips for Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for getting along with your mother-in-law (or your in-laws, generally).

I’m extremely lucky with fate as it relates to my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We get along very well, which is fortunate, because we live right around the corner from my in-laws, and I mean right around the corner. You don’t even have to cross the street; one lone skinny townhouse separates our apartment buildings. I see my in-laws many times each month.

Obviously, though, many people aren’t in such a happy circumstance. I’ve noticed that relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common issues that people raise—whether it is people complaining about their spouse’s parents or people complaining about their kids’ spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy.

These tips apply, of course, only if your in-laws aren’t actually abusive, or dangerous, or so malicious that it’s just not possible to be around them. Assuming that they aren’t quite that horrible, here are some points to consider:

1. Remember the mere exposure effect. It turns out that familiarity breeds affection. The "mere exposure effect" means that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces--even nonsense syllables—better. The more often you see another person, the more intelligent and attractive you tend to find that person. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, take the time to see her and talk to her. That may ease your relationship.

2. Act the way you want to feel. Counterintuitive as it may sound, feelings follow actions. Before an encounter with your in-laws, take the time to put yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind or at least try to act that way when you see them. If you go into a situation acting angry, defensive, or suspicious, you’ll invoke that emotion in yourself and likely a negative reaction from others. If you’re feeling more lighthearted, you won’t be as quick to take offense.

3. Avoid pointless bickering. If you and your in-laws fight about something, like politics or religion, year after year, try to agree to disagree. Are you going to change the voting or eating habits of your 75-year-old father-in-law? Or your 35-year-old son-in-law? Similarly, avoid carping. In general, pointing out people’s mistakes or criticizing their choices isn’t polite, and it isn’t welcome—and it’s not effective!

4. Mindfully articulate, and act in accordance with, your own values. One of the great mysteries of human nature is that when we accept ourselves, other people tend to accept us. When we don’t accept ourselves, people tend to pester us. If you know your own values, and live according to them, people’s pointed remarks don’t sting nearly as much, and strangely, they often back off. (Yet another reason to follow my First Commandment.)

For example, although she almost never says anything about it, I know that my mother-in-law wishes my children dressed in more classic kids’ clothes. Corduroy jumpers, tasteful dresses, etc. And truth be told, that’s what I would like them to wear, too. But that’s not what my daughters like. The big one wants to be more fashionable; the little one favors sparkles, sequins, and bright colors.

A while back, I decided, “Within the boundaries of cost and age-appropriateness, I’ll let my daughters dress the way they like. This isn’t an issue where my taste needs to prevail.” (At times, it has been hard to live up to this resolution.)

Because I’m living according to my own values, it doesn’t bother me that my mother-in-law doesn’t approve. I believe in my approach. So if you’re annoyed by someone’s remarks about your household decor, your income, your cooking, your work habits, your cleaning habits, your life decisions (starting a family, where to live, buying a kitten), ask yourself, “Am I living according to my own values?” If you are, criticism slides off more easily.

5. Children, of course, can be a big source of contention. Try to keep some perspective. Samuel Johnson wrote, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” In keeping with this philosophy, I decided, “If it’s not actually harmful, I’ll let others take care of my daughters in their own way.” A friend of mine—the educational, wooden-toy, no-TV type of parent—was furious when her mother-in-law bought her daughter a My Little Pony toy. They had a huge fight about it. Do you really want to have that fight?

6. Remember grandparent privilege. When I was little, my grandmother would buy us any junk food we wanted (chiefly PopTarts) and let us stay up until midnight watching TV. My sister and I loved it. Did this do us any lasting harm? No. And we didn’t expect junk food or midnight TV at home, either. Grandparents get to be indulgent, if they want. Or superstrict or have weird rules. That’s grandparent privilege.

7. Remember parent privilege. Maybe you think it’s ridiculous for parents today to fuss so much about car seats, trans fats, violence on TV, allergies, rigidly enforced bedtimes, etc., etc. Or maybe you think your children are too permissive as parents. The fact is, most parents really want to do the right thing for their children, and if they feel that you don’t respect their rules and their approach, that will be an issue.

8. Respect others’ priorities. If you’re having trouble with someone, ask yourself, “What’s important to this person?” That we all have Thanksgiving dinner together? That we go to church together? That the grandchildren come visit for the weekend? That we dress a certain way? Unless it violates your deeply held principles, it’s generous to try to respect other people’s priorities—and it sure promotes peace. Even if you dismiss celebrating Mother’s Day as an empty, consumerist ritual, or you think it’s ridiculous to have to change into a button-down shirt for dinner, you can do it because it’s the loving thing to do.

9. Think about your spouse or your child. You’re in a relationship with this difficult in-law because of someone you love. What’s best for that person? Do you need to try to break the tension? Change the subject? Avoid difficult situations? Bite your tongue? Endure excruciating boredom? Sometimes you can behave nicely for someone else’s happiness, even if you’d be very happy to pitch a battle, if left to your own devices.

10. Focus on the positive. Find ways to be grateful for your in-laws. At the very least, your in-laws are the parents of your spouse, or the beloved of your child. Look for the good. Try to make jokes. It could probably be worse.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult in-laws—they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can only change yourself.

Usually when I write about happiness, I write about issues that concern me very deeply. As I said, lucky me, I don’t have lots of in-law problems—I’m tackling this subject because so many people have asked me to do so. I’m sure I’m missing some key points or getting something wrong. What would you suggest? What strategies have helped you deal with in-laws (either the parents of your spouse or the spouse of your kids)?

For some non-in-law-specific tips, here’s a list of seven tips for getting along with difficult relatives. And although you think your in-law is difficult, consider the fact that you may be the difficult one! Take this quiz to see if others find you difficult.

* If you're a big reader, check out this fantastic list of top book blogs. A treasure trove.

* If you're asking, "Well, I wonder if Gretchen entered the stage of blatant book promotion yet?" you can find the answer here.

23 Phrases to Help You Fight Right

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 23 phrases to help you fight right.

Almost all couples fight; the secret is to fight right. I’ve posted about what not to say during a fight. Here are some phrases that actually help.

I review this list from time to time so that when I’m arguing with my husband, I remember the phrases that help me fight right. Recently, for instance, I was angry at him for showing, I thought, a lack of respect for my priorities. So I waited until a good moment (this itself is tough for me) and said, “I need you to listen. This is important to me.” From his startled expression, he clearly thought I was starting a fight; but by warning him that I needed him to respond carefully, we managed to avoid a fight altogether.

When my husband and I do argue, I find that the single best technique to apply is humor. If one of us can laugh and joke around, the angry mood lifts instantly. But during an argument, my sense of humor is the first thing to go.

Failing that strategy, here are 23 phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:

Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem; it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated. [Always, my craving for gold stars!]
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Let’s take a break for a few minutes. [If you can remember to do this, it’s extremely effective—especially if you’re having a big fight. After a break, it’s almost impossible to go back to yelling.]
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it's not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.

I actually get tears in my eyes when I read this list. Such is the uplifting power of fighting right.

Also, to fight right, it’s very important to respond well if your sweetheart makes a repair attempt—the technical term for a gesture of reconciliation and love. Don’t rebuff a repair attempt!

What other strategies or phrases have helped you fight right?

* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to an excellent blog Half Full, about "the science of raising happy kids."

* If you like the blog, you'll love the book! It's not just a collection of touched-up blog posts, I promise. Pre-order The Happiness Project now!

Join or Start a Group—Like a Happiness-Project Group

One of the happiness-project resolutions that I’ve found to be most effective—and also the most fun—is to Join or start a group. Since I started my happiness project, I’ve joined or started seven groups, each of which has added dramatically to my happiness.

Some people are interested in starting or joining a group for people doing happiness projects—to my astonishment, more than 2,000 people have sent for the starter kit for people launching such a group. (Click here if you'd like to sign up for a kit yourself.)

I’m wildly interested in what these groups are doing, so am thrilled whenever I hear news. There are groups forming in cities like Dallas/Fort Worth, Boston, Gainesville, Fla.—even Singapore!

Nicole’s group, in Enid, Okla., has more than forty members (incredible). Nicole suggested that everyone begin by deciding on three or four resolutions, and she offered several great suggestions about making an effective resolution (start small; keep it concrete; hold yourself accountable by keeping a chart, whether online at the Happiness Project Toolbox or on paper), and she offered her own resolutions as an example:

1. Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day.
2. Exercise at least twice per week.
3. Choose my arguments more wisely.
4. Take more notes so I do not forget things so easily.

Nicole made another excellent point to the Enid group, which I echo in different words in my Secrets of Adulthood. She reminded everyone, “Remember, you’ll only get out of this what you’re willing to put in!” Very true. (My version is “No deposit, no return.”)

Michael’s group in L.A. has an unexpected geographic challenge: thirty-two people are interested in joining the group, and they’re spread all across the vast L.A. area. To keep the drive easier for people, Michael has suggested that they break into two groups, to keep meeting as convenient as possible. Very smart! Convenience matters a lot! However, having a committed leader matters a lot, too, so I hope someone steps forward to lead the new, second group if it forms.

Dani is launching a group in the Washington, D.C., area. If you’re interested in joining, e-mail her at positivepresent@gmail.com. Her excellent blog is Positively Present.

Group leaders, please do join the Facebook Discussion Page for group leaders. From time to time, I’d like able to contact you directly—for instance, I’m sending you all a little surprise in the mail this week—and if you’re on that page, I’ll be able to find you.

What about the tri-state area (New York, Connecticut, New Jersey)? I live in New York City and would love to see a happiness-project group form in my own backyard. If you’ve started one, let me know! Maybe I can come to the kick-off meeting.

* I was interested to see this Marriage Calculator at Divorce360. My result? "People with similar backgrounds who are already divorced: 14%. People with similar backgrounds who will be divorced over the next five years: 3%." Apparently that puts me at average risk for divorce.

Forgive an Accident. Which Is Harder Than It Sounds.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to “Forgive an accident.” Now, you might think, why should I try to forgive an accident? After all, if something is an accident, there’s nothing to forgive. Accidents happen, we all know that.

Yes, I know that. Accidents happen. But I still find it hard not to be annoyed—and to act annoyed—in the face of certain accidents. Reminding myself of my resolution helps me to respond in the right way.

Here are just two examples:

1. When we were flying to Kansas City to spend Christmas with my parents, my daughter lost her “functional appliance.” If you’re not current with the latest parlance of orthodontia, this is like a fancy retainer. My daughter is supposed to wear it at all times, except when she’s eating. We were on the plane, she took it out to eat, and the next time she looked for it, it was gone. We all looked, couldn’t find it. We think it must’ve been thrown away when the stewardess took her food tray.

I was annoyed: She wouldn’t be able to wear this thing again until we were back in New York and had managed to replace it; getting a new one would be expensive; it would be inconvenient.

2. Recently, my husband left his wallet in a cab. The second he reached the sidewalk, he realized he didn’t have his wallet, and he raced down the street to stop the cab, but it was gone. He waited anxiously for two days before he had to admit to himself that it really wasn’t coming back. Before that, however, we had to cancel our credit cards.

I was annoyed: We’d put a lot of recurrent and online charges on one of the lost cards, so that number had to replaced many times, by me.

In each situation, I could feel the accident-causer bracing against my possible annoyance, and it was very, very hard to resist the temptation to say things like “You should’ve been more careful!,” “Now we’re going to have all this hassle to fix this!,” “How could you have not noticed that you didn’t know where it was?,” etc. But I realized—what was the point? My daughter felt terrible, my husband felt terrible. In general, they’re both very responsible. My daughter had never lost her F.A. before, and my husband had never lost a wallet before. They obviously hadn’t done these things on purpose. Why make a bad situation worse?

In each case, once the moment passed, I was very glad that I reacted mildly. (I even came up with a good idea about credit cards: Now we have a card that never leaves the house that we use for online charges.) When you’re feeling bad about something you’ve done, it’s awful when someone adds to that feeling—you feel defensive, resentful, and misunderstood. I didn't want to cause that.

Also, one of my Personal Commandments is to Act the way I want to feel; although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. By acting calm and forgiving, I help myself to feel calm and forgiving, instead of annoyed.

The resolution would be more accurately phrased as “Let go of an accident” or “Forget an accident,” but somehow I need the little extra kick supplied by the word “forgive.”

How about you? Have you ever felt tempted to react harshly to something someone did, even though it was an accident?

* I loved this little video on Gimundo—especially because I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to use photographs to keep happiness-project resolutions like “Take time for projects” and “Be a treasure house of happy memories." The Black Lake Island project and Taking tourist photos of my own romance, for example, both use photographs.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Five big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main 12 themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make—as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes—I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him—“He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp,” etc.—then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily—but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my e-mails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of how small his flaws are, in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store”—that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious overclaiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “When husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”

I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or grocery shopping. It’s easy to see that overclaiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to …” or “Why do I always have to be the one who …?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see no. 4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see no. 3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?

* I had a great time doing an interview with the very funny Rob Sachs of NPR's What Would Rob Do? about how to make conversation with strangers (he'd seen my post on that topic).

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Practice a NON-Random Act of Kindness

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A while back, I posted about Happiness Myth #7: Doing “random acts of kindness” brings happiness. I wasn’t arguing that acts of kindness wouldn’t make you happy, but only that those acts shouldn’t be random. Random, unpredictable kindness makes people puzzled and suspicious, but purposeful kindness is exhilarating. Non-random doesn't mean that you have to know the people involved; it just means that they have to understand the context of your behavior.

For example, I was talking about this myth on a radio show, and the host recounted that he’d once been stopped on the street by a large man who announced, “I’m giving away free hugs!” and hugged him. This hug, though free and a quite random act of kindness, was not appreciated.

On the other hand, a friend told me a wonderful story about a non-random act of kindness she’d performed. On April 15 a few years ago, she was standing in a post office crowded with people who needed to mail their tax returns. There was a huge line in front of the one machine that dispensed stamps.

When my friend’s turn finally came, instead of buying the minimum number of stamps, she bought $20 worth. Then she went along the line of people behind her, handing each person as many stamps as needed, until she ran out.

The people who got the free stamps were ecstatic – and even the people who didn’t get the free stamps were ecstatic, because the long, slow line got so much shorter so quickly. Everyone was surprised, excited, and laughing.

It makes me so happy to think about this moment! For $20, my friend transformed a miserable taxpaying visit to the post office into a moment of elevation – not just for herself, but for the strangers in line with her. And for me, too.

It reminds me of Henri-Frederic Amiel’s exhortation: “Life’s short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind.”

As the Second Splendid Truth sets out:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

A non-random act of kindness is a great way to put Splendid Truth 2A into practice. Have you ever done (or received) a non-random act of kindness that made you very happy?

* For people who do a lot of work at home, like me, there's a great guest post by Wisebread's Lynn Truong on Jonathan Fields's Awake at the Wheel about Cues to create a work/life balance.

* Join the Facebook Page to swap ideas and insights about happiness. Lots of fascinating comments there.

Eight Tips for Working More Happily With Your Colleagues.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tips for working more happily with your colleagues.

Last week's tips offered sixteen suggestions for feeling happier at work by tackling aspects of your work space and your day. But actually, your relationships with your co-workers likely has more influence on your happiness.

Maybe you have lots of co-workers -- or maybe, like me, you work by yourself so you have to fashion your own "colleagues." Here are nine strategies that I've used at various point in my work life:

1. Although some people believe it’s best to keep work life and personal life separate, and therefore avoid making friends with colleagues, for most people, having strong friendships makes work more fun. Science supports this: having close relationships is essential to happiness, strengthens the immune system, and reduces anxiety. However…

2. If you’re in a long-term relationship, avoid creating situations that might put you in the path of temptation. (Here are five tips to avoid having an office affair.)

3. If you work alone, take time to mix with other people. Socializing boosts the moods of introverts, as well as extroverts. I love having long stretches when I work by myself in silence, but I’ve realized that I need to make several appointments each week to put me in contact with other people.

4. Each week, walk around your office and talk to a few people you don’t know well. You’ll feel more comfortable socially, plus knowing more people facilitates work flow. Remember the mere exposure effect, as well: repeated exposure makes people like music, faces, even nonsense syllables, better. That means that the more often you see someone, the more intelligent and attractive that person will seem.

5. Apply the Eighth Commandment: Identify the problem. If a colleague gets under your skin, figure out why. I used to work with a guy who enraged me at every meeting. When I started analyzing his techniques, to understand why he was having that effect on me, I became fascinated with the brilliance of his subtle put-downs. (For a list of his strategies, see my book Power Money Fame Sex, chapter 3.)

6. Apply the Twelfth Commandment, There is only love. This commandment was inspired by a friend who took a job where she knew she’d have a difficult boss. From the beginning, she told herself, “There is only love.” She doesn’t allow herself to criticize her boss, even in her own mind, and won’t listen to anyone else’s criticism. She says it’s tough to do, but it has made her job far easier.

7. Say “Good morning” to everyone. This is polite, and it will also help you feel like you have a small connection to everyone you see. That makes your workplace seem more friendly and warm.

8. Cut people slack. You never know what's going on in people's lives, and it's always better to err on the side of being forgiving, not taking things personally, and trying to see the funny side of circumstances.

What am I missing? What are some strategies that you've used to work more happily with your colleagues?

* Zoikes! There's a group for people doing happiness projects forming in Enid, Oklahoma that already has 26 members! Fantastic! If you'd like to start a group, yourself, click here for the starter kit. If you want to connect with other leaders starting groups, check out this discussion. If you want to see if a group is forming in your area, check here (this list looks pretty clunky; we'll make it more visually appealing at some point but just wanted to get the list going at this point).

Taking Tourist Photos of My Own Romance

On Saturday, I took the train up to New Haven for my college reunion. I went to Yale both for college and law school, so returning there is always a very intense experience. Mostly pleasant.

Even though I spent most of the day in undergrad nostalgia mode, I also took an hour to walk through the law school. (I also considered visiting the sole copy of J. M. Barrie’s The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island, at its home in the Beinecke Library, but I ran out of time.)

A few weeks ago, I posted one of my all-time favorite posts: about how seeing the movie Twilight had reminded me of the time when my husband and I were falling in love and had inspired me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.

Many of my resolutions are aimed at helping me keep happy memories vivid (e.g., Be a treasure house of happy memories) and also at helping me stay tender and romantic. As a way to keep both sets of resolutions, I decided to take photos of some of the most important sites in our falling-in-love story:

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We met because our carrels were back-to-back in the law library. This is the carrel I used.

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Here’s the staircase where we ran into each other that time.

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This is the Anchor Bar. A big group went there one night, and on the way out, he casually asked if I wanted to have breakfast at the Copper Kitchen diner the next morning, before our Corporations class. I didn’t sleep all night.

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Here’s the Copper Kitchen.

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Here’s the picnic table where he was sitting with a bunch of people when I came down from my dorm room to announce that I’d broken up with my boyfriend.

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Here’s the bench where we held hands for the first time.

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I'm so glad I took these pictures. Everything changes, and one day the Copper Kitchen and the picnic table and even that marble staircase will be gone, but now I have my record.

I'm reminded of a postcard I kept above my desk during college, of a work by Duane Michals: This photograph is my proof. The photograph shows a couple sitting cozily on a bed, and underneath is written, "This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon when things were still good between us, and she embraced me. And we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Look, see for yourself!"

Ah, I have my photograph and my proof.

* The always interesting Marci Alboher sent me the link to a great post, Can Cooking Make You Happier? at My Kitchen Nutrition. It reminds me that everyone's happiness project is different. Cooking isn't a source of happiness for me, but it is for a lot of other people.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

A Constructive Way To Deal With Anger

One of my personal major, constant happiness challenges is trying to deal constructively with feelings of anger and irritability. Yesterday morning, my father-in-law mentioned a strategy that he recommends: When a person does something that annoys him (or whatever the negative emotion might be), he recalls a situation in which he made the same mistake himself. That makes him less angry, more understanding.

This strategy doesn’t work well for everyone, however. Some people, my father-in-law observed, are able to do this effectively, but for others, the recognition that they’ve behaved similarly doesn’t translate into greater understanding or forgiveness. And a third category isn’t able to see any parallels at all—to these folks, they must have had a good reason to have acted the way they did, and the mistakes others make are inexcusable.

I tried to apply this strategy myself. Here’s a small thing, but a recurrent source of anger in my life: My husband’s failure to answer my e-mails dealing with logistics. “Can we have dinner with so-and-so on June 22?” “Do you leave for London on the 3rd or the 4th?” “Did you reschedule the orthodontist’s appointment?” These e-mails just don’t get answered. It drives me nuts.

I’ve tackled this problem in lots of ways. I’ve tried working on the logistical side, and I’ve tried working on my mental-attitude side. But I had never thought to try to put myself in my husband’s place and ask myself, “Do I fail to answer people’s logistical e-mails?” The answer to that question is a resounding yes. I often procrastinate on doing exactly this kind of work. I just can’t face the kind of systematic thinking, checking, and replying that it takes.

OK. I think I do understand better now. Does it makes me less angry? Actually, I think it does. It also reminds me that I should do a better job of answering other people's logistical e-mails.

* Penelope Trunk has a fascinating post about how to decide where to live. This is a complicated, difficult, and extremely important decision that has a lot of significance for your happiness.

* Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences.

Be Happier: Control Your Exit

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

This weekend, when I was home in Kansas City to go to my high-school reunion, I ran into an old family friend. “Let me tell you one of my personal secrets for happiness,” he said. “Control your exit.”

“’Control your exit?’” I asked. “What exactly does that mean?”

“It means, always be able to leave when you want. Drive yourself to a party instead of getting a ride, so you can leave when you’re ready. Try to go to someone else’s house, or a public place, instead of having people over to your house, because there’s nothing worse than seeing someone lean back and cross their legs when you’re ready to go to bed. Or else have people over to your house before some event—before a dinner reservation or a movie—so you have to leave by a certain time.”

My husband would certainly agree with this advice. He never agrees to go to a party on a boat, or to go on a bus tour, or to put himself in any situation that would prevent him from leaving whenever he wants. He feels trapped and unhappy if he knows he’s stuck.

It occurs to me that “Control your exit” is advice that’s figuratively true, too. For me, one of the most memorable pieces of advice from Stephen Covey's classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Begin with the end in mind.” That is (if I remember correctly), know where you want to go. When you start or do something, maintain a vision of where you’re headed—especially important for people who are considering law school! Friends, don’t go unless you know where you want to end up!

Speaking of my husband and law, he applied this rule when he was considering post-law-school jobs. He thought that working as an assistant U.S. attorney sounded great, but he wasn’t sure what he’d do after that. What was the exit strategy? He knew he didn’t want to work in a law firm, and he wasn’t sure what other jobs would follow from a stint in the U.S. attorney's office; he was worried about taking a job that didn’t seem to lead to any other opportunities that interested him.

My newest Secret of Adulthood is that “the opposite of a great truth is also true.” It occurs to me that in some situations, not controlling your exit would lead to happiness. There’s a lot of happiness to be gained from spontaneity, impulse adventures, and unpredictable undertakings. Even in those cases, however, I imagine it’s better mindfully to embrace this idea of uncertainty—to know that you’re deliberately choosing to give up control of your exit—rather than to have it take you unawares. For instance, people often ask me, “Where is all this happiness project stuff going?” I’m not really sure, and I’m trying to embrace that uncertainty as exciting and fun, instead of letting my control-freak side become obsessed with certainty and control.

What do you think? Is a resolution to “Control your exit” more or less likely to lead to happiness? Maybe, as Bill Murray explained in Ghostbusters, of “never getting involved with possessed people,” “Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule.”

* Gimundo had an interesting post about Happy News From the Recession: 5 Good Things about Hard Times. Encouraging information there!

* If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Page on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Quiz: Do You Make Other People Happy?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day ... or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Quiz: Do you make other people happy?

As put forth by the Second Splendid Truth:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;

one of the best ways to make other people is to be happy yourself.

Everyone accepts the Second Splendid Truth, Part A; however, Part B often isn’t as clear to people. But to focus on Part A here—how do you know if you’re making other people happy? What are some signs?

Are the following statements true for you:

• Do people seem to feel comfortable confiding in you?
• Do people follow your recommendations?
• Are you a source of material comfort or security for someone else?
• Do people whom you’ve introduced often go on to have a continuing relationship?
• Do people seem to drift toward you? Join a conversation that you’re having or sit down next to you at a meeting?
• Are you providing opportunities for other people—job leads, blind dates, contacts in a new city?
• Do people whom you hardly remember go out of their way to greet you warmly? Say, an intern who worked in your office three years ago or a former student?
• Do people seem to want to connect with you—by making plans or by e-mailing, calling, or texting?
• Do people seem energized by you? Do they smile and laugh in your presence?

Notice some items that are not on the list:

• Do people remember your birthday?
• Do people give you presents (say, for Mother's Day, or in recognition of an important milestone)?
• Do people express appreciation and gratitude for your efforts?

Even if you’re making people happy, they don’t always respond by making these gestures (which can be annoying).

A while back, I posted a quiz, "Are You the Person Whom Everyone Else Finds Difficult?" It was a lot easier to think of signs that you make people unhappy than you make people happy—perhaps because of the negativity bias. What am I missing? I feel like I've overlooked some obvious indicators. What are some other good signs that you make people happy?

* Many thoughtful readers have sent me the link to a fascinating article from The Atlantic, "What Makes Us Happy?" It's a great piece, plus I know the writer, Joshua Wolf Shenk, a little bit, which made it even more fun to read it.

* Yes, superfans, the Web site is ready! You should have received an e-mail from me with the link to my new site. Thanks for helping with this prelaunch phase—I'm so grateful. Soon I hope the site will be ready to be made public.

Superfans, let me ask you an additional favor. Unbelievable as this sounds, there are more than 2,400 superfans, so it would be an enormous help if, instead of e-mailing me directly with your suggestions or comments, you'd post to the Discussion Page on Facebook. That way, the Web developers can read what you've said without me having to act as an intermediary, and it's much quicker for me to read everyone's comments. Also, other users might be interested to see your response. Again, thanks. Have fun with the site!

Kiss More, Hug More, Touch More

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A few days ago, I posted about how watching the movie Twilight made me more determined to keep my resolutions to be tender and romantic. After I looked at my list, however, I realized that I’d never made a specific resolution to “kiss more, hug more, touch more.” So I’ve added that to my ever-growing list of resolutions.

It’s easy to see that kissing, hugging, and touching would boost the tenderness in your romantic relationship. However, physical expressions of affection can strengthen all sorts of connections.

In her fascinating book The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky discusses a study in which students were assigned to two groups. One group was the control; one group was assigned to give or receive at least five hugs each day for a month—a front-to-front, nonsexual hug, with both arms of both participants involved and with the aim of hugging as many different people as possible. The huggers were happier.

Another study showed that women who got hugs several times a day from their husbands had lower blood pressure than those who didn’t get hugged as often.

Interesting fact: To be most effective at optimizing the flow of the chemicals oxytocin and serotonin—which boost mood and promote bonding—hold a hug for at least six seconds.

Along with hugging, playful and affectionate touching makes you feel closer to the people important to you. And touch is important even with strangers—studies show that subliminal touching (touching so subtle that it’s not consciously perceived) dramatically increases a person’s sense of well-being and positive feelings toward you, the toucher. For example, research shows that when restaurant servers touch their customers, they increase their tips by more than 3 percent.

I haven’t come across any research that examines the effects of kissing, but I think it’s safe to venture that lots of kisses will make you happier.

Expressing affection (in whatever way you express it) makes a big difference in relationships. For instance, people are 47 percent more likely to feel close to family members who frequently express affection than to those who rarely do so.

But there’s another reason to express affection. One of my most important Personal Commandments is to act the way I want to feel. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often, we feel because of the way we act. By acting in a loving way, you prompt loving feelings in yourself. It’s much harder to be angry or annoyed with someone when you’re kissing or hugging or touching.

Be careful, however, to keep those physical expressions of affection appropriate. During a radio interview after I posted about Happiness Myth No. 7: Doing "random acts of kindness" brings happiness, the host mentioned that he’d been walking down the street when a guy announced, “Free hugs!” and gave him a big bear hug—a random act of kindness that did not result in happiness in that case. And the nonsexual nature of your full-frontal, two-armed hug might be misinterpreted, if you’re not careful.

Do you find that touching, hugging, and kissing boosts your happiness? Have you found any strategies to make sure you don’t forget this aspect of relationships?

* Speaking of being more loving, over on the Facebook page, a lot of people have posted about their strategies for keeping romance strong in a long relationship. Good ideas.

* Superfans, I'm waiting to get the e-mail telling me that I can send you the link to the superfabulous, soon-to-be-unveiled Web site, for prelaunch. I know I keep saying that, but I really am hoping that it will be today. Or maybe Monday. Want to be a superfan? Sign up here.

Eight Tips To Make Yourself Likable and Win More Friends

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for making yourself likable.

You can't actually make someone like you. But you can behave in ways that will make it slightly more likely.

We all want to feel that other people enjoy being with us and that they seek our company. Having close relationships is one of the most meaningful elements to happiness. It’s not always easy to make friends, however. To form a friendship, you must like someone—and you must also be likable.

How can you boost the chances that someone will like you? Here are eight strategies to keep in mind—not ways to manipulate people or to be fake but to make sure that your desire to be friendly effectively shines through:

1. Smile. Now, this is no shock, but studies do show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct impact on how friendly you’re perceived to be. Also, people mimic the expressions on the faces they see, so if you smile, you’re more likely to be smiled at. (Scientists have identified 19 types of smiles, by the way.)

2. Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. Most people get more pleasure from wowing you with their humor and insight than from being wowed by your humor and insight.

3. Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Lean toward people, nod, say “Uh-huh,” turn your body to face the other person’s body. Don’t turn your body away, cross your arms, answer in monosyllables, or scan the room (or look at your Blackberry! I have seen this happen!) as the other person talks.

4. Remember trait transfer. In “trait transfer,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a co-worker as brilliant and charismatic, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. Conversely, if you describe a co-worker as arrogant and obnoxious, those traits will stick to you. So watch what you say.

5. Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. However, don’t push this self-deprecation too far—keep it light. You’ll make others uncomfortable if you run yourself down too much. I met a guy who kept saying things like, "I'm an idiot," "I have the most boring job ever," etc. He was trying to be self-deprecating, but it was hard to know how to respond to that kind of comment from a stranger.

6. Radiate energy and good humor. Because of the phenomenon of “emotional contagion,” people catch the emotions of other people, and they prefer to catch an upbeat, energetic mood. Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth.

7. Show your liking for another person. We’re much more apt to like someone if we think that person likes us. Look for ways to signal that you enjoy a person’s company. When I call my daughters’ pediatrician with some health question, she always says “Hello!” as if she’s genuinely thrilled to hear from me, and I’ve really noticed what a difference it makes on my feelings of warmth toward her.

8. Try to remember the name of the person you're talking to! If you can’t remember it, here are some tips for coping with the situation.

Studies suggest that we decide how close a relationship we’ll have with a new acquaintance within the first 10 minutes of meeting that person, and that in evaluating people, we weigh early information more heavily than information acquired later. So make a big effort to be openly friendly the first time you meet someone.

* Courtesy of the brilliant, funny Communicatrix, I discovered iSerenity, a site that provides "ambient sound environments at your desktop for relaxation." You can use it as white noise if you work in a cubicle (a friend works for a company that plays white noise to give people more sound privacy at their desks) or if you like a soothing noise. I love the Rain. Also included: vacuum and fan, very handy if you have a newborn who sleeps better with those noises.

* If you haven't watched my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might like to check it out.

A Happy Family—According to Adam Smith

“With what pleasure do we look upon a family, through the whole of which reign mutual love and esteem, where the parents and children are companions for one another, without any other difference than what is made by respectful affection on the one side, and kind indulgence on the other; where freedom and fondness, mutual raillery and mutual kindness, shew that no opposition of interest divides the brothers, nor any rivalship of favours sets the sisters at variance, and where everything presents us with the idea of peace, cheerfulness, harmony, and contentment?”—Adam Smith

* I just came across the blog Rock Your Day and am looking forward to cruising around it. "Stop settling for less, start changing your life"—sounds like my kind of thing.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Can You Predict Whether Someone Will Be Happy in the Future?

I recently finished a terrific novel, Sarah Dunn’s Secrets to Happiness. (How could I resist that title?) One scene caught my happiness-project attention. Betsy is on a blind date with Alan, and they’re both in the mode of sizing up marriagability on the first date.

Alan asks Betsy, “Do you consider yourself a happy person?” In response to her vague answer, he says, “My uncle always said … the secret to being happy in a marriage is to marry someone who was already happy ... [And] the older I get, the more I see that my friends who married happy women are happy, and the ones who didn’t have all sorts of problems.”

“You can’t blame that on the wives,” Betsy answers.

“Yeah, but I think what he meant was, it’s hard to make an unhappy woman happy … a house can only be as happy as the least person in it.” (His rationale would apply to husbands, too.) Alan never asks Betsy on a second date, and the clear implication is that he decided that she seems unhappy and so would likely be unhappy in marriage.

Now, this reminded of studies—as discussed in Daniel Nettle’s Happiness—that show, as Nettle sums up, “that the best predictor of how happy people are at the end of the study is how happy they were at the beginning. It is as if happiness or unhappiness stem in large part from how we address what happens in the world, not what actually happens.” (p. 92)

This tidbit has always struck me as singularly unhelpful for someone working on being happier—like telling someone that the best way to avoid being overweight was to have always been thin.

Alan was using that information not as a guide to thinking about his own happiness, however, but to evaluate the likelihood that someone else would be happy—someone whose happiness would matter a lot to him, if they married.

This got me thinking. Betsy was unhappy, in large part, because she was worried about getting married and having children. Presumably, then, she’d be happier once she was married with a family, so it seems unfair for Alan to presume she was permanently unhappy.

But in real life, how does this work? Are some people basically happy or unhappy, and don't try to change, so that something like finally getting married wouldn’t make such a difference? Or would it? The arrival fallacy holds that we generally aren’t made as happy by that kind of “arrival” as we expect. On the other hand, the First Splendid Truth holds that feeling right is very important to happiness, and if your life doesn’t reflect your dreams and values, it’s hard to be happy.

That question aside, Alan’s way of thinking struck me as both helpful and harsh.

Helpful because sometimes it might well be worth considering someone’s happiness level. If you’re interviewing for a job with a boss who seems very dissatisfied and angry, you might decide that he wouldn’t be happy with you (or you with him). If you’re thinking of sharing an apartment with someone who lives under a dark cloud, you might want to choose a different roommate.

Harsh because it prompted Alan to turn away from Betsy, who was a nice person, and because this kind of analysis would push people away from less-happy people, who need friendship and consideration. (Spoiler alert: In the end, Betsy gets married to a terrific guy.)

What do you think? Have you ever made a similar analysis about someone else's happiness? Is it true that a house is only as happy as the least happy person in it?

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Happiness Myth No. 10: It’s Selfish To Try To Be Happier

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for last two weeks, I’ve been debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better.

Happiness Myth No. 10: The biggest myth—it’s selfish and self-centered to try to be happier.

Myth No. 10 is the most pernicious myth about happiness. It comes in a few varieties. One holds that “in a world so full of suffering, you can be happy only if you’re callous and self-centered.” Another one is “happy people become wrapped up in their own pleasure; they’re complacent and uninterested in the world.”

Wrong. Studies show that, quite to the contrary, happier people are more likely to help other people, they’re more interested in social problems, they do more volunteer work, and they contribute more to charity. They’re less preoccupied with their personal problems. By contrast, less-happy people are more apt to be defensive, isolated, and self-absorbed, and unfortunately, their negative moods are catching (technical name: emotional contagion). Just as eating your dinner doesn't help starving children in India, being blue yourself doesn't help unhappy people become happier.

I've certainly noticed this about myself. When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems, I feel that I have more energy to try to take action, I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving.

As I’ve worked on my happiness project, one of my biggest intellectual breakthroughs was the identification of my Second Splendid Truth. There’s a circularity to it that confused me for a long time. At last, one June morning, it became clear:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Everyone accepts the first part of the Second Splendid Truth, but the second part is just as important. By making the effort to make yourself happier, you better equip yourself to make other people happier, as well. It’s not selfish to try to be happier. In fact, the epigraph to the book The Happiness Project is a quotation from Robert Louis Stevenson: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”

* On a positive-psychology listserv, I read comments by Professor Todd Kashdan, and I see he did an interesting study on the relationship of gratitude to happiness—and how men are much less likely to feel and express gratitude than are women. Interesting.

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