The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Act the Way You Want To Feel

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of the most surprising, and useful, things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel.

Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself.

I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it’s uncannily effective.

Lately, I’ve been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me – maybe it’s due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot).

As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that’s contributing to my feelings of sadness.

It sounds far-fetched – that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation – but I have indeed caught myself wondering, “Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?” My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response.

Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry, frowning faces.

Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I’m feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt -- when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.

It really works. When I can make myself do it.

How about you? Have you ever experienced a situation where a change in your actions has changed your emotions?

* Last weekend was the New York City marathon, which is a very big deal for everyone living in New York City. It creates a very festive feeling, even when you’re not running, or watching the race, or even following it on TV. It’s a very happy event. I loved watching this time-lapse video on Gimundo of a single city block during the race.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Who's in a Starring Role; Who's in a Walk-On Role? All of Us.

Years ago, my husband and I fixed up a very close friend with another friend. They fell in love; it was great. But within a few years, he got sick. She stood by him through it all. Then he died. It was awful. And it was very, very hard on our friend.

It was a sad situation for many reasons. As the years passed, one thing continued to bother me: I felt we had put a beloved friend in the path to sorrow. It had been inadvertent, and well-intentioned, but still, we had brought all this pain into our good friend’s life.

I mentioned this to my husband, and he said something that completely changed my thinking. He said, “Yes, it was very hard on her. But think how much better it was for him.”

This thought, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me. I realized how often I make this error. I was acting as though my friend were the main character of this story! That she was the one who really mattered. And I saw that I make this mistake all the time. I’m the most main character, of course, and then the people close to me, and so on … with some people just appearing as extras or in walk-on roles.

But that’s not true. Everyone is a main character. And everyone is a minor character. And as I started thinking about this, I realized that many of my favorite happiness passages concerned exactly this shift: someone re-interpreting a situation, by understanding how different circumstances would seem if someone else were placed in the starring role.

Each has haunted me, but only now do I see what theme links them together.

*

Reading Flannery O’Connor’s letters led me to the extraordinary book, A Memoir of Mary Ann, a memoir about a little girl, Mary Ann, who lived with a gruesome tumor on her face before dying of cancer, written by the nuns with whom she lived for several years in a free cancer-treatment home.

Near the end of Mary Ann’s life, a 5-month-old baby, Stephanie, was brought to the cancer home. Stephanie’s parents were crushed at the thought of leaving their baby there.

The nuns relate that for years, Mary Ann had longed for a baby to take care of. When Stephanie arrived, she said shyly to the baby’s mother, “I didn’t pray for a baby to be sick, but I prayed that if a baby was sick, it would come here.”

Later, the mother wrote the nuns, “I had accepted the hurt [my child’s affliction] brought me, but I had not accepted the fact that I had to give her up. My husband was suffering too and my attitude … was not helping much. Mary Ann’s words opened my understanding. Stephanie was needed … this child [Mary Ann] with the bandaged face and a heart full of love needed her. … God had given me a good husband, six beautiful children. This last child was probably the most special of them all, destined for something I knew nothing about.”

*

In Viktor Frankl’s masterpiece, Man’s Search for Meaning, he relates a story from his psychiatric practice, when an elderly man, distraught with grief over the death of his wife two years earlier, came to him.

Frankl asked, “What would have happened … if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?”

The man answered, “Oh, for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!”

Frankl responded, “You see … such a suffering has been spared to her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering—to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.”

The man left the office, comforted. Frankl observed, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

*

Here’s an example from children’s literature. In Rick Riordan’s novel, The Sea of Monsters, the hero of the story, 13-year-old Percy Jackson (who happens to be the son of the sea god Poseidon and a mortal woman), has taken Tyson, a huge, awkward boy who seems to be learning-disabled, with a misshapen face, under his wing. They go to high school together, but Percy isn’t exactly sure why he’s bothering to protect Tyson and drag him along on his Olympian adventures.

He keeps Tyson with him, though, and at the end of the book, Percy learns that Tyson is also a son of Poseidon, and he’s a Cyclops, which is why his face looks wrong. (He has only one eye.)

Tyson says to Percy, “Poseidon did take care for me after all. …I prayed to Daddy for help. …He sent me a brother.”

Ah! Percy thought that Tyson was tagging along with him, but in fact, he was a supporting character in Tyson's adventure.

*

It’s a very unsettling and interesting exercise to think about the people in my life and to imagine myself in a minor, supporting role. How do I fit into their fates? Am I helping?

* I always find interesting things at LifeDev, "empowering creative people." Good stuff.

* I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city. Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

A Happiness Lesson From ... Simon Cowell? Yep.

Studies show that when people find meaning in their experiences, even painful experiences, they are more apt to find happiness and fulfillment. In fact, a happiness-boosting exercise sometimes assigned is to ask people to write their life stories. When people are asked to do this, and when they reflect on their lives in a constructive way, they feel happier.

I know this is true for myself. When I’ve been able to take painful past experiences and feel as if I’ve learned something important from them, they lose some of their negative charge. For example, my biography of John Kennedy, Forty Ways to Look at JFK, didn’t sell well at all. How I love that book! And yet it didn’t sell. This was very disappointing to me, and had potential serious consequences for my career. But I kept asking myself, “What have I learned? About myself, my writing, the reading audience, the publishing industry? Am I myself satisfied with the book I wrote?” Et cetera. I learned a lot from that disappointment, and that was a comfort. My former boss Reed Hundt often quoted Benjamin Franklin: “Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.”

I never watch the insanely popular TV show American Idol—I can’t stand to watch people lose—so I know almost nothing about Simon Cowell. But a friend told me to take a look at his "Letter to My Shallow, Reckless, Cocky Younger Self," written on the occasion of his 50th birthday, and I was fascinated by it.

Simon Cowell’s letter to himself is a great example of writing a life story to find meaning in painful past experiences. As he writes to his younger self, Cowell expresses gratitude to the people he loves, he shows how he’s learned from his mistakes, he reflects on how he was responsible for some of the problems he faced, he emphasizes how he’s learned to trust his own judgment and taste, he considers his choices and why some were right for him and some wrong, he emphasizes his values, and he shows a sense of perspective and even humility.

I've never sat down to do something like this, but I'm sure it would be a very useful exercise. I loved reading this letter.

* I spent waaaay too long poking around Fresh Living on Belief.net this afternoon—"health and whole with two women who (usually) practice what we preach." Great material there.

* More happiness-project groups are forming! Excellent! One has started in Toronto, and another in Chicago. I can’t wait to hear more about what they’re doing. If you’re interested in launching a happiness-project group of your own, click here for the starter kit.

You've Forgotten Someone's Name. Here's What To Do.

If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a 3-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

In ancient Rome, the job of the "nomenclator" was to whisper or announce the names of people as they approached a politician. My husband serves this function for me; he has an uncanny ability to recall names and faces—people he has met once, years ago, and also famous people. I'll insist I've never met someone before, and he'll say, "Wasn't he in your class in college?" I have no idea how he does it, but I really suffer when I go to social events without him.

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you 'David,' but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you—in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me—what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of reintroducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name! And while you're at it, remember to smile. It really does make a difference in how friendly you're perceived to be.

* The brilliant Leo Babauta of Zen Habits fame has started a site, Mnmlist.com, about minimalism, "How less is the answer." Lots of wonderful material there.

* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If you'd come to a book event I was doing in your town, it would be very helpful if you'd drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

"True Contentment is a Thing as Active as Agriculture."

“True contentment is a thing as active as agriculture. It is the power of getting out of any situation all that there is in it. It is arduous and it is rare.”
-- G.K. Chesterton

* If you're considering starting your own happiness project, check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. It's fun, it's addictive, and it pulls together some of the tools that will help.

Exercise, Weight Loss, and Happiness

I was very interested to read John Cloud’s recent Time cover story about exercise and weight loss, "Why Exercise Won’t Make You Thin." This is a very complicated issue, and the article’s argument has sparked many debates—but from strictly a happiness perspective, two points jumped out at me.

First: Even if exercise doesn’t help me lose weight (and I admit, I’m very weight-preoccupied), it’s still extremely important for general good health and for not gaining weight—and for keeping my mood positive. For example, one study showed that even moderate aerobic exercise boosted mood—for as long as 12 hours. Almost everyone I know who exercises regularly says that they stick to their routine for mental benefits as much, or more, than for physical reasons.

Second: I should always be wary of occasions when I have the urge to “treat” myself. So often, treats don’t contribute to long-term happiness.

From the article, and from my own observation, it seems that exercise often inspires people with the belief that they deserve a “treat”—and usually a high-calorie treat. For example, I was just reading Sally Koslow’s novel, Little Pink Slips. The main character goes running with her best friend, and afterward, they split a scone. But as Cloud suggests, from a strictly calorie perspective, those two women would have been better off skipping the run and the scone.

It’s also easy to fall into the assumption that because exercise is healthy, anything related to it must be healthy—this tendency is called the halo effect. A friend of mine would chug a big bottle of Nantucket Nectars after working out. He considered this a healthy, energy-boosting drink so never thought about calories at all. I pointed out that a bottle has almost as many calories as a Snickers bar! (My gleeful revelation of this fact did not endear me to him, I must confess.)

For a long time, I’ve been keeping an eye out for studies of how people’s worrying about their weight affects their happiness. To me, this concern seem like a major factor in day-to-day unhappiness. I’ve never seen much on this issue, and if anyone has read any studies about this, I’d love to see the reference.

* I couldn't resist a blog called Happiness in this World: Reflections of a Buddhist Physician, of course, and I was particularly intrigued by this post about The Good Guy Contract.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Imagine That Something Good Never Happened

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I read a fascinating article by Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, about a study showing that people who wrote about how they might never have met and fallen in love with their sweethearts had a bigger jump in happiness than those who wrote about how they did meet and fall in love.

Apparently, contemplating the fact that a key event might never have happened, at all, makes it more surprising and mysterious. Just think how close you came to having a different fate – your life could have gone in another direction, so easily! The absolutely brilliant, enthralling novel The Post-Birthday World, by Lionel Shriver, explores this notion at length in an utterly gripping way, as does the movie Sliding Doors.

Lyubomirsky points out that surprise, novelty, challenge, and variety are associated with intense emotion and vivid experience.

I’ve certainly been convinced of that, myself. One thing that surprised me in my own happiness project is the truth of the proposition that Novelty and challenge bring happiness. When I started my project, I expected that this wouldn’t hold true for me, because I love mastery and routine. Well, I was wrong. To test the idea that with novelty and challenge bring happiness, I started this blog, and it has brought me immeasurable happiness.

After reading about this study, I thought for a few minutes about how my life would be different, now, if I didn’t have my blog. I did get a major happiness boost from realizing that phew, I do have my blog. Then I thought about what would have happened if I hadn’t met my husband. What an unhappy prospect! I got a surge of happiness and relief from knowing that we did meet each other. (We met because our library carrels were back-to-back; what if we’d been assigned to opposite ends of the room?)

Imagining life without your sweetheart (or your blog, or your cat, or whatever) also inspires gratitude. It’s challenging to feel grateful for the familiar elements of everyday life, but imagining their absence inspires thankfulness and awe.

So take a moment to imagine that something good never happened. Do you feel happier?

* Zoikes, check out this video of someone drawing two portraits, simultaneously, one with each hand. Coincidentally, the artist dedicates the video to the movie The Shawshank Redemption, which I've never seen -- despite the fact that many people have told me that it's in the Top Ten of happiness movies. I just read Stephen King's short story, "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption," so am now ready to watch the movie.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 26,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Nine Tips for Having a Good Bad Day

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips for having a good bad day.

A few days ago, I was extremely upset. It’s too complicated to explain the whole situation, but an encounter left me feeling anxious, agitated, under attack, and sad. I did what I could to resolve the situation, but I still felt terrible.

When I have a day like this, I try to make it a Good Bad Day. I take the steps that tend to make me feel better or, if they don’t make me feel better, at least give me the kind of day on which I can look back with satisfaction.

To have a Good Bad Day, I made sure to:

1. Exercise. For me, exercise is a key element to managing my moods. It calms me and energizes me at the same time. Its rituals are comforting. It’s productive but not intellectually or socially demanding. Also, exercise is so obviously a key to good health that if I manage to exercise, I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile in my day, no matter what else happens.

2. Do something nice for someone else. The first part of the Second Splendid Truth is “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy” (also known as the “Do good, feel good” provision). I sent out some emails that I knew would be useful for other people. Doesn’t sound like much, but it took a lot out of me.

3. Stop ruminating. My inclination was to go over and over the details of the upsetting episode and to conduct imaginary arguments. Instead, I tried to keep my resolution to Find an area of refuge. Studies show that dwelling on negative thoughts amplifies their power in your mind. In fact, some researchers suggest that a reason that more women get depression than men is that women are more likely to “overthink,” while men are better at distracting themselves from negative thoughts.

4. Connect with someone important to me. I called my sister.

5. Tackle a nagging task. Crossing things off a to-do list is energizing and cheering. I took the time to clear my desk – not just physically removing piles of papers, but also doing the tasks that the papers represented. Copying research notes from various sources, making a dentist’s appointment, and making progress on my blog re-design gave me a feeling of control and accomplishment.

6. Do something silly and lighthearted with my children. I videotaped my four-year-old as she danced and sang in her mermaid costume with her new mermaid doll, and we had a family bubble-blowing extravaganza. And throughout all these steps, I tried to…

7. Act the way I want to feel. Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. I get worked up very easily, but I tried to act cheerful instead of allowing myself to get agitated, wring my hands, etc. My mother often reminds me, “Stay calm,” and I need that advice frequently.

8. Ask for help. I said to my husband, "I really need to talk to you. I'm really upset, I want to tell you what happened today and talk to you about it, okay?" Being a sympathetic listener isn't my husband's strongest point, and truth be told, he wasn't very comforting -- but I think that by explaining that I needed him to try to do his best to help, I did help him do the best he could.

But nothing really worked. I still felt lousy. So I made sure to…

8. Go to sleep early. It’s true, everything does look better in the morning. Also, the longer I work on my happiness project, the more importance I give to sleep. Getting enough sleep just makes a tremendous difference to happiness.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt better. The situation still upsets me, but not as much as it did. When I have a bad day, it helps to have a good bad day.

Have you found any strategies for making a bad day better? What works for you?

* This post from Pamela Slim on Escape From Cubicle Nation really got me thinking: "Scrappy content can juice up your brand". Once again, I'm reminded of the wisdom of Voltaire's admonishment, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Plus I loved spotting the brilliant Communicatrix there, too.

* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. It's fun, it's addictive, it's free, and it will boost your happiness.

"To Have Management of the Mind Is a Great Art"

“To have the management of the mind is a great art, and it may be attained in a considerable degree by experience and habitual exercise.… Let him take a course of chymistry, or a course of rope-dance, or a course of any thing to which he is inclined at the time. Let him contrive to have as many retreats for his mind as he can, as many things to which it can fly from itself.”—Samuel Johnson

* A thoughtful reader told me about this wonderful artist's blog: Color Me Katie. Irresistible.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Practice a NON-Random Act of Kindness

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A while back, I posted about Happiness Myth #7: Doing “random acts of kindness” brings happiness. I wasn’t arguing that acts of kindness wouldn’t make you happy, but only that those acts shouldn’t be random. Random, unpredictable kindness makes people puzzled and suspicious, but purposeful kindness is exhilarating. Non-random doesn't mean that you have to know the people involved; it just means that they have to understand the context of your behavior.

For example, I was talking about this myth on a radio show, and the host recounted that he’d once been stopped on the street by a large man who announced, “I’m giving away free hugs!” and hugged him. This hug, though free and a quite random act of kindness, was not appreciated.

On the other hand, a friend told me a wonderful story about a non-random act of kindness she’d performed. On April 15 a few years ago, she was standing in a post office crowded with people who needed to mail their tax returns. There was a huge line in front of the one machine that dispensed stamps.

When my friend’s turn finally came, instead of buying the minimum number of stamps, she bought $20 worth. Then she went along the line of people behind her, handing each person as many stamps as needed, until she ran out.

The people who got the free stamps were ecstatic – and even the people who didn’t get the free stamps were ecstatic, because the long, slow line got so much shorter so quickly. Everyone was surprised, excited, and laughing.

It makes me so happy to think about this moment! For $20, my friend transformed a miserable taxpaying visit to the post office into a moment of elevation – not just for herself, but for the strangers in line with her. And for me, too.

It reminds me of Henri-Frederic Amiel’s exhortation: “Life’s short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind.”

As the Second Splendid Truth sets out:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

A non-random act of kindness is a great way to put Splendid Truth 2A into practice. Have you ever done (or received) a non-random act of kindness that made you very happy?

* For people who do a lot of work at home, like me, there's a great guest post by Wisebread's Lynn Truong on Jonathan Fields's Awake at the Wheel about Cues to create a work/life balance.

* Join the Facebook Page to swap ideas and insights about happiness. Lots of fascinating comments there.

The Importance of Unhappiness for Happiness

Because I write every day about happiness, and how to be happier, many people assume that I’m on an anti-unhappiness crusade—that I think that life, lived right, would be a stream of nonstop blissful moments.

As a consequence, I frequently hear arguments in defense of unhappiness—that without unhappiness, you can’t have a rich, complete, moral and aesthetic life; that it’s a necessary corollary to love and attachment; that it’s an important goad to working for meaningful changes; that it’s not possible to have an “up” without a “down”; etc. (Some people, I suspect, argue on behalf of unhappiness because they ascribe to Happiness Myth No. 1: Happy people are annoying and stupid.)

But I’m not on a wipe-out-every-sad-moment-from-your-life campaign; I don’t think that striving to have a happier life means that you should be striving to wipe out all unhappiness from your life or to ignore any cause for unhappiness to live in a cheery stupor. I agree with all those arguments about the significance of unhappiness.

In fact, because of my happiness project, I try to pay a lot more attention to unhappy feelings. It’s tempting to try to tune them out, because they’re unpleasant, but unhappiness is an important cue. (As always, I consider depression to be a grave condition, separate from the happiness/unhappiness distinction.)

An extremely minor example of this: how I gave up fake food. For a long time, I ate a lot of fake food—things like granola bars, fat-free cookies, single-servings packages of sugary cereals, etc. I’d get hungry when I was running around, and instead of getting some real food to eat, I’d get fake food. Fake food was easy, cheap, and fast, and it felt like a treat.

I did this for years. Because of my happiness project, however, I started looking for places in my life where I felt bad (that’s one prong of the First Splendid Truth), and I realized that eating fake food was a source of bad feeling for me. Eating so much junk food instead of healthy food made me feel guilty and out of control.

So I gave it up—cold turkey, because I’m an abstainer not a moderator. And it makes me very happy to be free from that small, but relentless, shot of twice-daily guilt.

Feeling bad is a sign that it’s time for action. Change is often painful; unpleasant, disruptive; exhausting; scary. Unhappiness can act as the goad to get you to push through those barriers. It can push you to switch jobs, get out of a relationship, move, change your habits, change your behavior, change the world. You can start meditating, start running, start a nonprofit, start a garden. Everyone’s happiness project is unique, and the approach that you take to address your unhappiness is unique.

I’m saying that unhappiness is a clue to a way to be happier; does that mean that I believe that the goal of life is to eliminate all unhappiness? No. But it is a goal to give up needless unhappiness, or foolish unhappiness, or lazy unhappiness? Yup.

Some people describe a pleasure, or a sense of purposefulness, in feeling sad. I guess I just don’t get that.

What do you think? Have you experienced a situation in which feeling unhappy was an important catalyst to help you change? And is there a redeeming quality for unhappiness that I’m not appreciating?

* Groups for people doing their own happiness projects are forming! I saw this link to the one in Gainesville, Fla., and I heard that the Greater L.A. group already has 31 members—zoikes. I can't wait to hear more about these groups.

* If you'd like to start a group yourself, for people doing happiness projects, click here for a starter kit.

Be Happier: Control Your Exit

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

This weekend, when I was home in Kansas City to go to my high-school reunion, I ran into an old family friend. “Let me tell you one of my personal secrets for happiness,” he said. “Control your exit.”

“’Control your exit?’” I asked. “What exactly does that mean?”

“It means, always be able to leave when you want. Drive yourself to a party instead of getting a ride, so you can leave when you’re ready. Try to go to someone else’s house, or a public place, instead of having people over to your house, because there’s nothing worse than seeing someone lean back and cross their legs when you’re ready to go to bed. Or else have people over to your house before some event—before a dinner reservation or a movie—so you have to leave by a certain time.”

My husband would certainly agree with this advice. He never agrees to go to a party on a boat, or to go on a bus tour, or to put himself in any situation that would prevent him from leaving whenever he wants. He feels trapped and unhappy if he knows he’s stuck.

It occurs to me that “Control your exit” is advice that’s figuratively true, too. For me, one of the most memorable pieces of advice from Stephen Covey's classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Begin with the end in mind.” That is (if I remember correctly), know where you want to go. When you start or do something, maintain a vision of where you’re headed—especially important for people who are considering law school! Friends, don’t go unless you know where you want to end up!

Speaking of my husband and law, he applied this rule when he was considering post-law-school jobs. He thought that working as an assistant U.S. attorney sounded great, but he wasn’t sure what he’d do after that. What was the exit strategy? He knew he didn’t want to work in a law firm, and he wasn’t sure what other jobs would follow from a stint in the U.S. attorney's office; he was worried about taking a job that didn’t seem to lead to any other opportunities that interested him.

My newest Secret of Adulthood is that “the opposite of a great truth is also true.” It occurs to me that in some situations, not controlling your exit would lead to happiness. There’s a lot of happiness to be gained from spontaneity, impulse adventures, and unpredictable undertakings. Even in those cases, however, I imagine it’s better mindfully to embrace this idea of uncertainty—to know that you’re deliberately choosing to give up control of your exit—rather than to have it take you unawares. For instance, people often ask me, “Where is all this happiness project stuff going?” I’m not really sure, and I’m trying to embrace that uncertainty as exciting and fun, instead of letting my control-freak side become obsessed with certainty and control.

What do you think? Is a resolution to “Control your exit” more or less likely to lead to happiness? Maybe, as Bill Murray explained in Ghostbusters, of “never getting involved with possessed people,” “Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule.”

* Gimundo had an interesting post about Happy News From the Recession: 5 Good Things about Hard Times. Encouraging information there!

* If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Page on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Quiz: Do You Make Other People Happy?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day ... or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Quiz: Do you make other people happy?

As put forth by the Second Splendid Truth:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;

one of the best ways to make other people is to be happy yourself.

Everyone accepts the Second Splendid Truth, Part A; however, Part B often isn’t as clear to people. But to focus on Part A here—how do you know if you’re making other people happy? What are some signs?

Are the following statements true for you:

• Do people seem to feel comfortable confiding in you?
• Do people follow your recommendations?
• Are you a source of material comfort or security for someone else?
• Do people whom you’ve introduced often go on to have a continuing relationship?
• Do people seem to drift toward you? Join a conversation that you’re having or sit down next to you at a meeting?
• Are you providing opportunities for other people—job leads, blind dates, contacts in a new city?
• Do people whom you hardly remember go out of their way to greet you warmly? Say, an intern who worked in your office three years ago or a former student?
• Do people seem to want to connect with you—by making plans or by e-mailing, calling, or texting?
• Do people seem energized by you? Do they smile and laugh in your presence?

Notice some items that are not on the list:

• Do people remember your birthday?
• Do people give you presents (say, for Mother's Day, or in recognition of an important milestone)?
• Do people express appreciation and gratitude for your efforts?

Even if you’re making people happy, they don’t always respond by making these gestures (which can be annoying).

A while back, I posted a quiz, "Are You the Person Whom Everyone Else Finds Difficult?" It was a lot easier to think of signs that you make people unhappy than you make people happy—perhaps because of the negativity bias. What am I missing? I feel like I've overlooked some obvious indicators. What are some other good signs that you make people happy?

* Many thoughtful readers have sent me the link to a fascinating article from The Atlantic, "What Makes Us Happy?" It's a great piece, plus I know the writer, Joshua Wolf Shenk, a little bit, which made it even more fun to read it.

* Yes, superfans, the Web site is ready! You should have received an e-mail from me with the link to my new site. Thanks for helping with this prelaunch phase—I'm so grateful. Soon I hope the site will be ready to be made public.

Superfans, let me ask you an additional favor. Unbelievable as this sounds, there are more than 2,400 superfans, so it would be an enormous help if, instead of e-mailing me directly with your suggestions or comments, you'd post to the Discussion Page on Facebook. That way, the Web developers can read what you've said without me having to act as an intermediary, and it's much quicker for me to read everyone's comments. Also, other users might be interested to see your response. Again, thanks. Have fun with the site!

Are Artists Unhappier Than Non-Artists?

There’s a question in the subject of happiness that puzzles me. Are artistic folk—or people of other kinds of genius—less happy than other people, and if so, why?

On the one hand, studies suggest that people who are happier are more creative, more resilient, more engaged, and more persistent in the face of difficulty and frustration. This would suggest that happier people would tend to be better artists (or whatever) than less happy people.

On the other hand, as discussed in Daniel Nettle’s Happiness, studies suggest that creative and influential people in the arts and public life tend to be more “neurotic”—meaning that they’re inclined to have more frequent and deeper experiences of negative emotions like anger, guilt, sadness, and fear than less-neurotic people.

Certainly popular culture teaches that artists and geniuses tend to be tormented, brooding, angry, etc.

Which is true?

I’m not sure. I do believe that the association of unhappiness with great ability goes along with Happiness Myth NO. 1: Happy people are annoying and stupid. Because unhappiness is associated with discernment, sophistication, and depth, it seems right that artists and other extraordinary types would be less happy. Plus it seems cooler. What’s more, given that association, people who want to demonstrate their soulfulness or intellect may be choose to emphasize their negative emotions.

It’s also true that unhappy people tend to have more colorful lives than happy people, so their biographies are juicier, and we tend to know more about their lives.

I don’t know what’s true as a general matter, but I know that for myself, I’m more creative and productive when I’m happier. I’m more willing to take risks; to spend energy in ways that may not be directly useful; to shrug off criticism, rejection, failure, and scorn; to open myself to new experiences, ideas, and people.

As for art in particular: a deep love of art, whether creating it or appreciating it, does bring a kind of melancholy – the yearning for perfection, the desire to swallow it up, the despair of achieving your vision, the painful beauty of masterworks. But that melancholy is also set in a context of beauty, discernment, and joy.

I remember one afternoon a few years ago, when I needed to pick something up from a friend who is a brilliant artist. He has a painting school which meets in the first floor of his house, so when I stopped by to see him, I walked through a room full of students who were busily drawing a model, while music played and light poured in from a skylight. I walked back to my friend’s private studio, which looked exactly the way you’d imagine – cans full of paintbrushes, canvases stacked against the walls, odd casts and stretchers and other artistic apparatus lying around.

He was painting when I came in, and to my surprise, he could paint while we talked. (I can’t imagine being able to do work and talk at the same time – utterly impossible for me.) Anyway, as we were talking, he was working on a beautiful, beautiful painting.

He stopped for moment to step back and consider his handiwork, and I said to him, with more than a touch of envy in my voice, “Jacob, you are lucky.” I gestured broadly around the room.

“I know,” he nodded, and he sat back on his stool and smiled at me. “Yes, I know.”

Now I’m asking every artist I meet about this question. Are artists less happy? Are geniuses less happy? What do you think?

* I get a big kick out of the blog Living Oprah—a woman spent the year of 2008 "living her life completely according to the advice of Oprah Winfrey." The year has run, and she's working on a book right now, but she still posts. Hmmm...does her project remind you of anyone else's? Just goes to show that everyone's happiness project is different—I find every one fascinating.

* Excellent! A reader has started an online group for discussing reading related to happiness. If you're interested, join up!

Mood Enhancers: Guitar Riffs, Weight-Lifting, and 2-Year-Old Twins

 Todd Kashdan is a positive-psychology professor at George Mason University whose work I follow with special interest. He studies many fascinating subjects—among other things, self-regulation and how personal strengths operate in everyday life—so I’m very eager to get my hands on his new book, Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. It's exactly the kind of thing I love to read. (Also, we have the same publisher, Harper, which is a little bit like being from the same hometown.)

He just started a blog, Curious?, about “discovering and creating a life that matters,” on the Psychology Today blogs site—which, by the way, has a terrific assortment of blogs, if you haven’t checked it out.

Obviously, given his work, Todd has given a tremendous amount of thought to the subject of happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Todd: There are few things more pleasurable than two people treating conversation as play without the slightest concern of being judged or where the conversation is and where it might head. Not only do I get to enjoy what the other person says and how they react to what I say, I get to enjoy the unexpected words and thoughts from my own brain. This spontaneity is unadulterated pleasure.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Pain and failure are not barriers to happiness. What prevents us from moving in the direction of what we care about and achieving a happy, meaningful existence is our unwillingness to be in contact with anxious thoughts and feelings, situations that caused us tension in the past, and situations that might cause us tension in the future.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
There is a dark side to my desire to become an expert in psychology, knowledgeable about science and literature, skilled as a parent, mountain biker, and weightlifter, and attentive as a husband. When I think I know something, I stop paying attention. It happens far too often, and when it does, opportunities close. I constantly have to remind myself to let go of my ego, let go of my expectations, and stay flexible and profoundly aware of what is right in front of my senses.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you find very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
Mark Twain said that “you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do,” and Ralph Emerson said, “Life is an experiment” and “The more experiments you make the better.” These are my mantras. I converse with these great thinkers multiple times per day.

I also cherish the image from Island by Aldous Huxley where all the birds are trained to say “attention” as a reminder to be mindful in whatever it is you are doing. It could be your bodily position when you bend down to rake leaves or staying immersed when someone speaks instead of thinking about what you’re going to say or do next.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
First, there are certain songs that can immediately replenish my energy supply. Usually, we are talking about an incendiary experience with dirty electric-guitar riffs, a gravelly vocalist, and grunge recording that ebbs and flows with very subtle vocal harmony. Music has been the backdrop of my existence since childhood and never ceases as a mood enhancer.

Second, there are workout sessions where I lift weights, grunt, and temporarily shed the other layers of my existence. My equanimity hinges on my ability to be a warrior in the gym.

Finally, I tune in fully and completely to whatever captures my kids’ interest. When my twin 2-year-old girls are giddy and intrigued, nothing else matters. This is the newest addition to my repertoire of mood enhancers, but it has quickly become the most profound. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that it isn’t about me and I have no control over when these experiences arise. Taken together, there are less than a handful of times in my life when I entered down spells lasting longer than a few minutes or hours.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Far too many people around me are unaware of their deepest values and passions. As a result, they settle on romantic partners, careers, and weekend habits that fail to offer them lasting satisfaction or meaning. It is easy to stay on the treadmill and float in a sea of boredom and apathy. It requires massive cojones (or ovaries) to make changes so that what we do is directly aligned with what we care most about. When people believe their personality and lifestyle are immune to change, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why?
My frequent, intense bouts of energy and exuberance have been a constant throughout my life. I am fortunate to have an excellent temperament, but I also surround myself with people and activities that I am passionate about. Thus, my happiness rarely wavers.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t—or vice versa?
I am continually surprised by the power of gratitude. There is something deeply moving about being mindfully aware of the people who benefited me, allowing me to discover my strengths and find outlets for them. Reflecting on my benefactors mobilizes me to attempt great feats and feel at home in the universe.

* I'm thrilled by the number of people who have let me know that they're interested in starting a happiness-project group in their area, where people can get together to talk about their happiness projects. I've been working hard on the starter kit to send you and hope to have that ready to go very soon.

If you'd like to receive a starter kit for launching your own group, let me know. E-mail me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.

Can You Predict Whether Someone Will Be Happy in the Future?

I recently finished a terrific novel, Sarah Dunn’s Secrets to Happiness. (How could I resist that title?) One scene caught my happiness-project attention. Betsy is on a blind date with Alan, and they’re both in the mode of sizing up marriagability on the first date.

Alan asks Betsy, “Do you consider yourself a happy person?” In response to her vague answer, he says, “My uncle always said … the secret to being happy in a marriage is to marry someone who was already happy ... [And] the older I get, the more I see that my friends who married happy women are happy, and the ones who didn’t have all sorts of problems.”

“You can’t blame that on the wives,” Betsy answers.

“Yeah, but I think what he meant was, it’s hard to make an unhappy woman happy … a house can only be as happy as the least person in it.” (His rationale would apply to husbands, too.) Alan never asks Betsy on a second date, and the clear implication is that he decided that she seems unhappy and so would likely be unhappy in marriage.

Now, this reminded of studies—as discussed in Daniel Nettle’s Happiness—that show, as Nettle sums up, “that the best predictor of how happy people are at the end of the study is how happy they were at the beginning. It is as if happiness or unhappiness stem in large part from how we address what happens in the world, not what actually happens.” (p. 92)

This tidbit has always struck me as singularly unhelpful for someone working on being happier—like telling someone that the best way to avoid being overweight was to have always been thin.

Alan was using that information not as a guide to thinking about his own happiness, however, but to evaluate the likelihood that someone else would be happy—someone whose happiness would matter a lot to him, if they married.

This got me thinking. Betsy was unhappy, in large part, because she was worried about getting married and having children. Presumably, then, she’d be happier once she was married with a family, so it seems unfair for Alan to presume she was permanently unhappy.

But in real life, how does this work? Are some people basically happy or unhappy, and don't try to change, so that something like finally getting married wouldn’t make such a difference? Or would it? The arrival fallacy holds that we generally aren’t made as happy by that kind of “arrival” as we expect. On the other hand, the First Splendid Truth holds that feeling right is very important to happiness, and if your life doesn’t reflect your dreams and values, it’s hard to be happy.

That question aside, Alan’s way of thinking struck me as both helpful and harsh.

Helpful because sometimes it might well be worth considering someone’s happiness level. If you’re interviewing for a job with a boss who seems very dissatisfied and angry, you might decide that he wouldn’t be happy with you (or you with him). If you’re thinking of sharing an apartment with someone who lives under a dark cloud, you might want to choose a different roommate.

Harsh because it prompted Alan to turn away from Betsy, who was a nice person, and because this kind of analysis would push people away from less-happy people, who need friendship and consideration. (Spoiler alert: In the end, Betsy gets married to a terrific guy.)

What do you think? Have you ever made a similar analysis about someone else's happiness? Is it true that a house is only as happy as the least happy person in it?

* Special message for the Superfans:

If anyone else is interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line.

Just Call Every Bowl of Ice Cream a Big One

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of the major principles of happiness—and this comes as a shock to no one—is that perception shapes reality. The way we view something determines our experience. I saw this during the inauguration. A person could say, “It’s fantastic to be here among so many people,” or a person could say, “It’s a pain to be stuck in these crowds and long lines.” Same reality, different perception.

I realized the importance of characterization when I eavesdropped on a few conversations between my 3-year-old and her grandmother.

My daughter: “Can I please have some ice cream?” (yes, she did say "please")
My mother-in-law: “OK, but you had a cookie earlier, so I’m just going to give you a little bowl.”
My daughter: “No, no, I want a big bowl! Not a little bit.”

Mother-in-law: “Tonight you’re going to go to bed nice and early.”
Daughter: “No, no, no! Not early. I want to stay up late!”

Had my mother-in-law said, “I’m giving you a big scoop” or “We’re letting you stay up late,” my daughter would have accepted that characterization instead of protesting. Same bowl of ice cream, same bedtime, different perception.

And this isn’t just true of children. The other day, I was talking to an acquaintance, and the subject of happiness came up. She said, “Gretchen, you dabble in the subject of happiness, don’t you?”

Well, yes, in fact, I do dabble in the subject of happiness. I’ve been dabbling away for 10 hours a day for more than three years now.

I’m pleased to say that I handled it nicely in the moment, but I’m embarrassed to admit how much this characterization annoyed me. My reaction doesn’t speak well of me, at all; I know perfectly well that this person has no particular reason to know what I’m up to and that she didn’t mean to bug me—yet I found it hard not to feel irritated with that particular characterization.

It’s helpful to “watch the characterizations” when we’re speaking to other people, and it’s also important when we’re characterizing things for ourselves. One of the challenges of my happiness project is to try to be more positive and lighthearted—without being fake and superficial.

Often, I’ve found that I can characterize something in a way that’s more positive but just as truthful. For example, “That meal was very filling” instead of “That meal was very heavy.” Or “The play had a lot of great moments” instead of “The third act of the play was boring.” Sometimes, of course, I’m trying to make a specific critical point, and that’s fine, but sometimes remembering to “watch the characterization” allows me to make my point in a less negative way—in particular, to myself.

* I subscribe to an interesting daily trend-watching newsletter, TrendCentral. Yesterday’s update listed some new slang terms, of which my favorite is: Retox (ree-tox) v. To go back on your New Year's resolutions and do the opposite of the goals you set for yourself. "Instead of following my resolution to get fit this year, I decided to retox and take up cooking classes instead. Oh well, no one follows New Year's resolutions anyway, right?"

*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Welcome to the Most Depressing Day of the Year

Apparently, according to a mathematical formula devised by Cliff Arnall, today is the most depressing day of 2009. Arnall’s formula considers factors like people’s failure to keep up their new year’s resolutions, the weather, post-holidays blues (no more fun, lots of bills), and the fact it's a Monday.

Paradoxically, I got a happiness boost from someone’s claim that today is the year’s most depressing day. First of all, I got a kick out of the idea of trying to identify the most depressing day with a formula. Silly, but fun. What factors would you use to identify your own personal “most depressing day” formula? You’d probably come up with a very different day, based on the end of basketball season, the opening of bathing-suit season, etc.

In any event, in the United States, this formula is certainly not accurate this year (Arnall is from the U.K.). Today is a Monday, but it’s a holiday, and that raises people’s spirits. Also, it’s the day before President-elect Obama’s inauguration. While most Inauguration Days probably don’t do much to lift people’s moods, this one is different.

But second, even aside from considering the accuracy of the claim, just hearing the announcement that today is “the year’s most depressing day” makes the day seem better. Even if I have a bad day today, I’m not likely to think, “Gosh, this is going to turn out to have been the most depressing day of the year.” Things aren’t likely to be that bad.

There’s a psychological term for this: downward comparison. Comparing my Jan. 19th with the most depressing day I can imagine makes today seem bright. Downward comparisons tend to boost happiness, because they remind us to be grateful for what we have. In one study, people’s sense of life satisfaction changed dramatically depending on whether they completed sentences starting “I’m glad I’m not …” (downward comparison) compared with “I wish I was …” (upward comparison).

So, today, if you’re feeling blue, you’re not alone—and if you’re not feeling blue, you can appreciate that.

* I was thrilled to be included in this list of 5 Web Folk I Admire—Something I Don't Do Easily on Dan Perlman's blog, Enquiring Mimes.

*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

When "Good Enough" Is Better Than Perfect

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I was inspired by an observation by Voltaire to make my resolution “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” In other words, instead of pushing yourself to an impossible “perfect,” and therefore getting nowhere, accept “good.” Many things worth doing are worth doing badly.

I have a friend who never exercises unless she’s training for a marathon; as a consequence, she almost never exercises. I never push myself when I exercise, and although I suspect she scoffs at my wimpy workouts, I’ve managed to get myself to exercise several times a week for years. If I’d tried to have a more ambitious workout, I’m sure I wouldn’t have exercised at all.

Along the same lines, I told a friend that one of my happiness-project resolutions was to "remember birthdays," and so I was sending out happy-birthday e-mails. He said, "Oh, you shouldn't e-mail! You should call or write a hand-written note; that's much nicer." True—but I won't. And it's better to get something done imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly.

The perfect can also become the enemy of the good in the quest for perfect information. There are two ways to approach decision-making: as a satisficer (yes, that is a word) or as a maximizer.

Satisficers are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met. That doesn’t mean they’ll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high, but as soon as they find the pasta sauce or the business card that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the optimal decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until after they’ve examined every option, to make the best possible choice. Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers; maximizers spend a lot more time and energy to reach a decision, and they’re often anxious about whether they did, in fact, make the best choice. (For a fascinating discussion, read Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice.)

In almost every category, I’m a satisficer, and in fact, I often felt guilty about not doing more research before making decisions. But it’s one of my Secrets of Adulthood: Most decisions don’t require extensive research. In picking a girls’ summer camp, a friend got information from 25 camps and visited five in person. We got information from five camps and picked the one that a friend’s daughter loved. I used to think that my lack of diligence was a sign of laziness, and my resolution “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” has made me feel a lot better.

In some situations, the happier course is to know when good enough is good enough and not to worry about perfection or making the perfect choice.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line.

We Each Think We're Doing Most of the Work

One of the fun things about law school—and you thought there wasn’t anything fun about law school!—was the new vocabulary we all picked up. A new word lets you have a new idea.

I remember that after I learned the concept of “acting in reliance,” suddenly I saw people acting in reliance all over the place. (For example, when my friend John signed a lease for a two-bedroom apartment because Michael promised to room with him, he’d acted in reliance, and so when Michael wanted to move in with his girlfriend instead, John was entitled to hold him to his word.)

I’ve picked up a useful term from psychology: unconscious overclaiming. It’s certainly something I’m guilty of.

Unconscious overclaiming is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. In one study, for example, when students in a work group each estimated their contribution to the team, the total was 139 percent.

This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable. You might think that getting the weekly reports finished on time is very important while your co-worker emphasizes prepping for a presentation.

It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to …” or “Why do I always have to be the one who …?” I try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Unconscious overclaiming is related to the “Lake Wobegon fallacy,” which describes the fact that we all fancy ourselves above average. (It’s named for Garrison Keillor’s imaginary town of Lake Wobegon, where “all the children are above average.”) Studies show that most people think they’re above average in fairness, luck, popularity, investing ability, and many other traits. In one survey, 80 percent of respondents put themselves in the top 30 percent of all drivers.

I love the mere word overclaiming. It’s perfect for what it describes.

* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to a great post, What I've Learned: Julia Child. I have my True Rules series; this is a list of True Rules from Julia Child.

** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.