The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Learn From the Past

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

We all make mistakes and have things go wrong, but one resolution I try very hard to keep is “Learn from the past.”

Many of my most significant happiness-boosting actions—large and small—have come in reaction to things that went wrong.

To take a small example: It was only after thinking hard about why I was so often crabby during lovely family vacations that I recognized the problem: I was hungry. Once I understood what had gone wrong on previous trips, I was able to come up with a solution: Now I make sure to pack almonds and other snacks whenever I travel.

To take a large example: In college, I didn’t participate in any extracurriculars—no sports, no newspaper, no drama, no singing group, no soup kitchen, no sorority. I didn’t think much about it during college, but during the two years between college and law school, with more perspective, I came to regret that I hadn’t been more involved. I vowed that in law school, I would take part in more extracurricular activities, and I did. Of these, the most significant was the Yale Law Journal, where I ended up being editor in chief—which ranks as one of the most important experiences of my whole life.

To take a medium example: I stopped drinking, more or less, because after stopping drinking during my pregnancies, I became such a lightweight that just one glass of wine had a big effect on me—and not a good effect. Alcohol made me sharp-tongued, indiscreet, insensitive, belligerent, and sleepy. The day after a social occasion, I often felt terrible about how I'd acted. To address this, I need to start drinking more, to build up my tolerance, or less. For me, giving up alcohol most of the time—I still have the occasional glass of something—makes me happier.

It’s hard to learn from the past, because that process means that I have to look long and hard at things in my life that didn’t go right—where I failed or was disappointed or didn’t rise to the occasion or felt regret, guilt, or anger. And reliving that past is no fun.

It's also difficult to do. One way I "learn from the past" is to apply my Eighth Commandment, Identify the problem. What did I wish had been different about that family trip? About college? About that party the other night? When I really look carefully to identify an exact problem—not just a vague feeling of dissatisfaction—I often see a solution.

Whenever I do “learn from the past,” I find it very satisfying. Not only do I manage some aspect of my life more happily, but I also have the exhilarating sense of having corrected something, of having redeemed myself—yes, I'll say it, of turning lemons into lemonade.

Has there been an occasion when learning from the past allowed you to do something more happily in the present?

* One of my new favorite blogs is the wonderfully thought-provoking Starfish Envy, started by my sister's writing partner. "I'm thirty-seven. I'm successful. I'm single. Now what?" And as fascinating as it is, it's superfascinating to see a friend's blog. It gives you a whole different insight into a person's mind and life.

* Join the discussion over on the Facebook Page. Check it out!

Taking Tourist Photos of My Own Romance

On Saturday, I took the train up to New Haven for my college reunion. I went to Yale both for college and law school, so returning there is always a very intense experience. Mostly pleasant.

Even though I spent most of the day in undergrad nostalgia mode, I also took an hour to walk through the law school. (I also considered visiting the sole copy of J. M. Barrie’s The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island, at its home in the Beinecke Library, but I ran out of time.)

A few weeks ago, I posted one of my all-time favorite posts: about how seeing the movie Twilight had reminded me of the time when my husband and I were falling in love and had inspired me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.

Many of my resolutions are aimed at helping me keep happy memories vivid (e.g., Be a treasure house of happy memories) and also at helping me stay tender and romantic. As a way to keep both sets of resolutions, I decided to take photos of some of the most important sites in our falling-in-love story:

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We met because our carrels were back-to-back in the law library. This is the carrel I used.

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Here’s the staircase where we ran into each other that time.

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This is the Anchor Bar. A big group went there one night, and on the way out, he casually asked if I wanted to have breakfast at the Copper Kitchen diner the next morning, before our Corporations class. I didn’t sleep all night.

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Here’s the Copper Kitchen.

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Here’s the picnic table where he was sitting with a bunch of people when I came down from my dorm room to announce that I’d broken up with my boyfriend.

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Here’s the bench where we held hands for the first time.

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I'm so glad I took these pictures. Everything changes, and one day the Copper Kitchen and the picnic table and even that marble staircase will be gone, but now I have my record.

I'm reminded of a postcard I kept above my desk during college, of a work by Duane Michals: This photograph is my proof. The photograph shows a couple sitting cozily on a bed, and underneath is written, "This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon when things were still good between us, and she embraced me. And we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Look, see for yourself!"

Ah, I have my photograph and my proof.

* The always interesting Marci Alboher sent me the link to a great post, Can Cooking Make You Happier? at My Kitchen Nutrition. It reminds me that everyone's happiness project is different. Cooking isn't a source of happiness for me, but it is for a lot of other people.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

How To Be Happier: Stay Connected to Your Past

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A while back, my husband and I noticed a characteristic we shared—neither of us did a particularly good job of staying connected with our past. It was true of us as a couple, too, once we got married. In each stage of life, we’d have good friends, but when we moved to the next stage, we found it difficult to stay connected to the people to whom we’d earlier been close. I’m not sure I would have remarked on this fact if I hadn’t seen the contrast to my younger sister—she does an outstanding job of staying close to friends from every stage of her life.

Philosophers and scientists agree: If there is one element that is the key to happiness, it’s having strong relationships with other people. Many of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at helping me build or strengthen friendships: Show up, Make three friends, Join or start a group. (Here are some other tips for making new friends.)

Also, remembering happy times in the past is a great way to boost happiness in the present.

My resolution to “stay connected to my past” is meant to address both these sources of happiness. As a consequence of this resolution, I sign up for high-school, college, and law-school reunions without hesitation. I don’t begrudge the time I spend on Facebook. I make a big effort to keep my friends’ contact information up to date. I keep a one-sentence journal. I look for reasons to visit my old neighborhoods.

I went to Washington, D.C., this week to give a talk to the Yale Law School Association about “Blogging the Pursuit of Happiness.” (Trying to be strategic, I asked to come in January after my book comes out, but they don't do book talks.) This trip made me happy for many reasons. I saw some of my blogland pals from that area. I visited the Slate offices and imbibed the heady Slate-y atmosphere. I cruised around Washington, which is a beautiful city, especially when everything is blooming.

But one of the things that made me happiest was the opportunity to “Connect with my past.” I loved being around a bunch of people from my law school. It was funny – I hadn’t realized just how much alums have in common, how many references, interests, and inside jokes we shared. Also, a bunch of friends from law school showed up, so that was especially fun.

Sometimes it makes me sad that I’ve left behind my lawyerly identity – there were many things I enjoyed about that time. Staying connected to that part of my past makes me happier – and so does staying connected to other parts of my past.

Of course, this resolution applies to aspects of your past that actually were happy. You might well choose deliberately to disengage with unhappy parts of your past.

Have you found any good strategies to stay connected to your (happy) past? Do you think staying connected to your past makes you happier?

* Josh Landis and Mitch Butler over at cbsnews.com did a provocative video piece on happiness myths. It’s about happiness, and there's a lot of interesting information in it -- and it also gave me flashbacks to my book Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide.

* Another thing that made me very HAPPY about my talk in Washington was that I met my very first super-fan in person! I see that people have signed up, of course, and that's thrilling, but I was astounded actually to meet a super-fan face-to-face. It was great to meet you, Natalie!

Note to Super-Fans: hang in there -- the new website is practically ready for you to see! (I think.)

Want to volunteer as a super-fan -- to help with the pre-launch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related website, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line.