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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few days ago, I posted about how watching the movie Twilight made me more determined to keep my resolutions to be tender and romantic. After I looked at my list, however, I realized that I’d never made a specific resolution to “kiss more, hug more, touch more.” So I’ve added that to my ever-growing list of resolutions.
It’s easy to see that kissing, hugging, and touching would boost the tenderness in your romantic relationship. However, physical expressions of affection can strengthen all sorts of connections.
In her fascinating book The How of Happiness
, Sonja Lyubomirsky discusses a study in which students were assigned to two groups. One group was the control; one group was assigned to give or receive at least five hugs each day for a month—a front-to-front, nonsexual hug, with both arms of both participants involved and with the aim of hugging as many different people as possible. The huggers were happier.
Another study showed that women who got hugs several times a day from their husbands had lower blood pressure than those who didn’t get hugged as often.
Interesting fact: To be most effective at optimizing the flow of the chemicals oxytocin and serotonin—which boost mood and promote bonding—hold a hug for at least six seconds.
Along with hugging, playful and affectionate touching makes you feel closer to the people important to you. And touch is important even with strangers—studies show that subliminal touching (touching so subtle that it’s not consciously perceived) dramatically increases a person’s sense of well-being and positive feelings toward you, the toucher. For example, research shows that when restaurant servers touch their customers, they increase their tips by more than 3 percent.
I haven’t come across any research that examines the effects of kissing, but I think it’s safe to venture that lots of kisses will make you happier.
Expressing affection (in whatever way you express it) makes a big difference in relationships. For instance, people are 47 percent more likely to feel close to family members who frequently express affection than to those who rarely do so.
But there’s another reason to express affection. One of my most important Personal Commandments is to act the way I want to feel. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often, we feel because of the way we act. By acting in a loving way, you prompt loving feelings in yourself. It’s much harder to be angry or annoyed with someone when you’re kissing or hugging or touching.
Be careful, however, to keep those physical expressions of affection appropriate. During a radio interview after I posted about Happiness Myth No. 7: Doing "random acts of kindness" brings happiness, the host mentioned that he’d been walking down the street when a guy announced, “Free hugs!” and gave him a big bear hug—a random act of kindness that did not result in happiness in that case. And the nonsexual nature of your full-frontal, two-armed hug might be misinterpreted, if you’re not careful.
Do you find that touching, hugging, and kissing boosts your happiness? Have you found any strategies to make sure you don’t forget this aspect of relationships?
* Speaking of being more loving, over on the Facebook page, a lot of people have posted about their strategies for keeping romance strong in a long relationship. Good ideas.
* Superfans, I'm waiting to get the e-mail telling me that I can send you the link to the superfabulous, soon-to-be-unveiled Web site, for prelaunch. I know I keep saying that, but I really am hoping that it will be today. Or maybe Monday. Want to be a superfan? Sign up here.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for conquering anger and irritability.
Hah. It’s really quite preposterous for me to offer up a tips list on this subject. A tendency to fly off the handle is one of my most disagreeable and persistent traits and something I battle with—largely unsuccessfully—every day. For me, anger is the most tempting of the seven deadly sins. At best, you could describe me as "edgy."
This list shows the strategies I try to use to keep myself patient and mild-mannered, but I certainly can’t claim that they’ve been wholly successful. I still lose my temper far too often; however, I do think I’m doing a better job than I would be if I weren’t following these tips:
1. Pay attention to my body. Being too cold, too hot, and, especially, too hungry makes me far more irritable.
2. Don’t drink. I basically gave up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.
3. Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings (usually this arises with my husband or daughters). Instead of snapping back answers like “I don’t want to hear a lot of whining” or “It’s not that big a deal,” I try to show that I understand what someone is saying.
4. Be realistic. For instance, I often get irritated when someone interrupts me when I’m reading—but I should know better than to try to read the newspaper during my daughters’ Saturday morning breakfast. Of course I’m going to get interrupted.
5. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. I often feel irritated when someone (usually my husband) doesn’t notice and praise some effort on my part. For example, when I went out of town last week, I got my older daughter completely organized for a field trip before I left. I snapped at my husband because he didn’t appreciate this Herculean accomplishment on my part.
6. Squelch my reaction. Not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate. I have trouble with this in person but often manage to do it if it involves e-mail; the deliberate effort of writing an irritated e-mail often gives me the opportunity to decide not to send it. I find it tougher to bite back an angry retort—but I’m working on it. When I can manage, acting the way I want to feel always helps me to change my feelings.
7. Make a joke. OK, some of these strategies are more fantasy than reality, but on the rare occasion when I do manage to make a joke during a moment of irritation, it works beautifully to lighten the mood.
8. Try not to be defensive. Many of my most harsh reactions are triggered by some kind of accusation—that I did something wrong, that I did something rude, that I screwed up in some way. If I can admit to fault or let it go, I can lighten my anger. My anger is tied to my pride, and pride is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
In my case, as this list shows, anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do. Surprise! That’s not how the world works.
What strategies have I missed? What helps you defuse anger and irritability? I need more help!
* My friend and blogging mentor Jonathan Fields has two excellent blogs: Awake at the Wheel, which has a lot of great material of general interest, and Career Renegade, which is more focused on work and career. Jonathan's book, Career Renegade: How To Make a Great Living Doing What You Love
, has gotten a lot of buzz.
* Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences. Also, people who want to start happiness-project groups have started to post their cities, so if you're interested in joining or starting a group, look there.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Happiness Myth No. 8: You'll Be Happy As Soon As You ...
Happiness Myth No. 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better.
Wrong. Although it can be tempting to take a “personal day” when you’re feeling blue or to isolate yourself until you feel better, you’re better off doing just the opposite.
Connecting with other people, even if you don’t feel like it, is more likely to improve your mood—and that's true even for introverts. Any kind of engagement gives you a lift.
In fact, researchers reported that out of 15 daily activities, such as exercising, commuting, or doing housework, everything is more fun with company. They found only one activity during which people were happier alone rather than with other people—praying. To my mind, that’s no exception; the point of praying is that you’re not talking to yourself.
I’ve certainly found this to be true in my own life. I spend most of my days by myself, reading and writing, and I’ve noticed that I always get a big burst of energy and cheer when I have a chance to be with other people. Even if I leave my desk feeling enraged, annoyed, or insecure, I feel better after talking to someone else—not talking about what’s bothering me but just talking about anything at all. In fact, I usually feel better if I’m distracted from my concerns rather than try to discuss them.
So if you just went through a painful breakup and so are tempted to not meet your friends after work but instead stay home on the sofa with the remote control or if you just lost your job and so don’t want to deal with going to the the neighborhood barbecue, make the effort to push yourself out the door. Most likely, you’ll feel better if you do.
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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We’re all familiar with the idea of “comfort food”—the food that you turn to when you’re feeling sad or stressed to make yourself feel better. Maybe it’s mac and cheese made the way your mother used to make it, or maybe it’s a cupcake from your favorite bakery.
I realized that I have a “comfort food” activity: reading children’s books. I love children’s literature, so I often read children’s books (now that I’ve embraced my love for kid-lit), whatever my mood.
But when I’m feeling overwhelmed, worried, or upset, I find myself turning to children’s books for comfort. These are books that I’ve reread innumerable times, and that I love, and that have that special quality of atmosphere that children’s books have.
My favorite comfort-activity authors are Louisa May Alcott, C.S. Lewis, Frances Hodgson Burnett, Madeleine L’Engle, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Edward Eager, Elizabeth Enright, and Noel Streatfeild. Oh, and E.L. Konigsberg, L. Frank Baum, Judy Blume, Robert O’Brien, Betty MacDonald, and Susan Cooper. And of course J.K. Rowling.
Just thinking about these names gives me a delicious feeling of pleasure and reassurance.
For years, I read children’s books as my comfort activity without quite grasping that I was self-medicating through literature. Now, though, instead of unconsciously wandering over to my kid-lit bookshelves in times of stress, I reach for these books, knowing that they’ll make me feel better. Realizing I have a tool at the ready is itself soothing.
My husband cooks for his comfort activity—often bread. A friend of mine told me he plays with his dog, another friend watches episodes of The Sopranos
, and another friend cleans out the fridge.
To find real comfort in an activity, it can’t be something that makes you feel anxious or guilty, later. That kind of treat doesn't work in the long run. Don’t go shopping or eat ice cream if the good feeling is going to turn bad.
Do you have a "comfort food" activity?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.