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On Saturday, I took the train up to New Haven for my college reunion. I went to Yale both for college and law school, so returning there is always a very intense experience. Mostly pleasant.
Even though I spent most of the day in undergrad nostalgia mode, I also took an hour to walk through the law school. (I also considered visiting the sole copy of J. M. Barrie’s The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island, at its home in the Beinecke Library, but I ran out of time.)
A few weeks ago, I posted one of my all-time favorite posts: about how seeing the movie Twilight had reminded me of the time when my husband and I were falling in love and had inspired me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.
Many of my resolutions are aimed at helping me keep happy memories vivid (e.g., Be a treasure house of happy memories) and also at helping me stay tender and romantic. As a way to keep both sets of resolutions, I decided to take photos of some of the most important sites in our falling-in-love story:
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We met because our carrels were back-to-back in the law library. This is the carrel I used.
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Here’s the staircase where we ran into each other that time.
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This is the Anchor Bar. A big group went there one night, and on the way out, he casually asked if I wanted to have breakfast at the Copper Kitchen diner the next morning, before our Corporations class. I didn’t sleep all night.
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Here’s the Copper Kitchen.
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Here’s the picnic table where he was sitting with a bunch of people when I came down from my dorm room to announce that I’d broken up with my boyfriend.
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Here’s the bench where we held hands for the first time.
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I'm so glad I took these pictures. Everything changes, and one day the Copper Kitchen and the picnic table and even that marble staircase will be gone, but now I have my record.
I'm reminded of a postcard I kept above my desk during college, of a work by Duane Michals: This photograph is my proof. The photograph shows a couple sitting cozily on a bed, and underneath is written, "This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon when things were still good between us, and she embraced me. And we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Look, see for yourself!"
Ah, I have my photograph and my proof.
* The always interesting Marci Alboher sent me the link to a great post, Can Cooking Make You Happier? at My Kitchen Nutrition. It reminds me that everyone's happiness project is different. Cooking isn't a source of happiness for me, but it is for a lot of other people.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A while back, my husband and I noticed a characteristic we shared—neither of us did a particularly good job of staying connected with our past. It was true of us as a couple, too, once we got married. In each stage of life, we’d have good friends, but when we moved to the next stage, we found it difficult to stay connected to the people to whom we’d earlier been close. I’m not sure I would have remarked on this fact if I hadn’t seen the contrast to my younger sister—she does an outstanding job of staying close to friends from every stage of her life.
Philosophers and scientists agree: If there is one element that is the key to happiness, it’s having strong relationships with other people. Many of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at helping me build or strengthen friendships: Show up, Make three friends, Join or start a group. (Here are some other tips for making new friends.)
Also, remembering happy times in the past is a great way to boost happiness in the present.
My resolution to “stay connected to my past” is meant to address both these sources of happiness. As a consequence of this resolution, I sign up for high-school, college, and law-school reunions without hesitation. I don’t begrudge the time I spend on Facebook. I make a big effort to keep my friends’ contact information up to date. I keep a one-sentence journal. I look for reasons to visit my old neighborhoods.
I went to Washington, D.C., this week to give a talk to the Yale Law School Association about “Blogging the Pursuit of Happiness.” (Trying to be strategic, I asked to come in January after my book comes out, but they don't do book talks.) This trip made me happy for many reasons. I saw some of my blogland pals from that area. I visited the Slate offices and imbibed the heady Slate-y atmosphere. I cruised around Washington, which is a beautiful city, especially when everything is blooming.
But one of the things that made me happiest was the opportunity to “Connect with my past.” I loved being around a bunch of people from my law school. It was funny – I hadn’t realized just how much alums have in common, how many references, interests, and inside jokes we shared. Also, a bunch of friends from law school showed up, so that was especially fun.
Sometimes it makes me sad that I’ve left behind my lawyerly identity – there were many things I enjoyed about that time. Staying connected to that part of my past makes me happier – and so does staying connected to other parts of my past.
Of course, this resolution applies to aspects of your past that actually were happy. You might well choose deliberately to disengage with unhappy parts of your past.
Have you found any good strategies to stay connected to your (happy) past? Do you think staying connected to your past makes you happier?
* Josh Landis and Mitch Butler over at cbsnews.com did a provocative video piece on happiness myths. It’s about happiness, and there's a lot of interesting information in it -- and it also gave me flashbacks to my book Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide
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* Another thing that made me very HAPPY about my talk in Washington was that I met my very first super-fan in person! I see that people have signed up, of course, and that's thrilling, but I was astounded actually to meet a super-fan face-to-face. It was great to meet you, Natalie!
Note to Super-Fans: hang in there -- the new website is practically ready for you to see! (I think.)
Want to volunteer as a super-fan -- to help with the pre-launch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related website, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line.
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My happiness-project resolutions include "Cultivate rituals and traditions," "Spread family cheer," "Take time for projects," and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." This cluster of resolutions runs together—meaning that doing a single action means I can give myself a gold star in several boxes. (And, yes, I love those gold stars.)
Last year, I decided to start doing holiday breakfasts, so these days I decorate the breakfast table for each holiday. This is easy, fun, and festive. I also decided to start playing April Fools' pranks.
Yesterday morning, I combined the two. Before I went to bed the night before, I dyed the milk bright green—in an opaque container. In the morning, when my two daughters were at the table, I got a big gasp when I poured the milk into their bowls of Special K cereal. Much excitement. Then the green milk dyed their teeth and tongues green, another source of hilarity.
The happiness payoff was huge. Both girls got a big kick out of it; they were very excited to tell my husband about it when he came into the kitchen; they were very excited to tell their friends that I had played a real joke on them. The morning felt special and fun.
I took a picture, so we can remember this morning for a long time.
This April Fools' joke took me about 10 seconds to pull off, but I had to decide to do it. Sometimes, even doing the smallest extra thing seems impossible, but it’s worth the effort. I constantly have to remind myself of the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. I’m always happy when I take the time to observe a tradition, do a family project, spread a little cheer, take a photo.
Last year, I froze my daughters' bowls of cereal—this year, food dye. Now I am officially out of kid-appropriate pranks. Any ideas? Please post!
* If you're interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my superfabulous new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line. To those of you who sign up—thanks so much!
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Three of my favorite happiness-project resolutions are: Take time for projects, be a treasure house of happy memories, and “appreciate the seasons and this time of life.”
A great way to combine all three of these resolutions is to observe family traditions, and as one new tradition (oxymoron?), I’ve started planning holiday breakfasts. I copied this idea from a friend after I saw how she’d set the table for her Valentine’s Day breakfast last year, and I’ve been doing it for holidays ever since.
For birthdays, I have a special cupcake plate, a special candle, and a big banner. For Halloween, I have special plates, special pumpkin candles, and those window-gel decorations that stick on windows and mirrors, and I dyed the peanut butter black. (My daughters eat peanut butter on toast for breakfast.) Etc.
This weekend marked my first Valentine’s breakfast. I put out special placemats and heart-shaped plates, cut the toast into heart shapes and dyed the peanut-butter red, put heart decorations on the window, scattered a few Sweethearts candies around the table, and gave each girl a pack of Valentine’s Day-themed stickers.
Now, like most traditions, this was a bit of a pain. I had to make sure I had some decorations. (Next year, I’ll just reuse what I bought this year.) I had to wait until the girls went to sleep to set the table—at a time when I felt like collapsing myself. I had to premix the peanut butter the night before.
But the preparations weren’t very onerous, and it was a lot of fun the next morning. One of the nice things about kids is that it doesn’t take much for them to feel like something is “special,” so even a simple tradition is very gratifying.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d try to find some other way to celebrate the holidays. These kinds of traditions mark the passage of time in a pleasant way and add a note of festivity to everyday life.
Also, the major holidays can become a lot of work. It’s nice to celebrate in a very manageable way.
* On the subject of Sweethearts candy, Reader’s Digest compiled a list of the last 10 years' worth of sayings. Who knew they ever changed?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.