The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Eight Ways To Tell Whether You're Being Boring

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for knowing if you’re boring someone.

‘Tis the season of merry-making, which means you’re probably more likely than usual to find yourself making polite and perhaps awkward chit-chat. One of the challenges of the holidays!

If you have trouble talking to a stranger in those situations, here are some tips to consider.

But once you’re talking, how do you know the other person is interested in your conversation—or not? One challenge is that the more socially adept a person is, the better he or she is at hiding boredom. It’s a rare person, however, who can truly look fascinated while bored.

Here are the signs I watch for when trying to figure out if I’m connecting with someone. These are utterly unscientific—I’m sure someone has made a proper study of this, but these are just my observations (mostly from noting how I behave when I’m bored and trying to hide it):

1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who repeats, “Oh, really? Wow. Oh, really? Interesting” isn't particularly engaged.

2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. “When did you move?” “Where did you go?” People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.

3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similarly …

4. Request for clarification. A person who is sincerely interested in what you’re saying will ask you to elaborate or to explain. “What does that term mean?” “When exactly did that happen?” “Then what did he say?” are the kinds of questions that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you’re saying.

5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do 80 percent of the talking because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it’s true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that’s a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren’t doing that, they're probably keeping quiet in the hopes that the conversation will end faster. Or maybe you just aren't letting them get a word in—recently I was talking to someone who, though fascinating, didn't want to let me contribute to the conversation. I enjoyed it, but not as much as if I'd been able to talk, too.

6. Abrupt changes in topic. If you’re talking to someone about, say, the life of Winston Churchill (I have a tendency to dwell at length on this particular subject), and all of a sudden the other person says, “So how are your kids?,” it’s a sign that he or she isn’t very interested or perhaps not listening at all. When someone makes this kind of switch, I have to fight the urge not to drag the topic back to what I want to talk about—but the fact that someone has introduced a completely different subject is a sure sign that the subject is not engaging.

7. Body position. People with a good connection generally turn to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn’t fully embracing the conversation. Along the same lines, if you’re a speaker trying to figure out whether an audience is interested in what you’re saying ...

8. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper called “The Measurement of Fidget.” He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that’s sitting still and upright is interested, while an audience that’s horizontal and squirmy is bored.

I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld’s observation, “We are always bored by those whom we bore.” If I’m bored, there’s a good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different subject. (Here's a list of some topics to avoid, if you don't want to risk boring people.)

Have you figured out any ways to tell if you’re boring someone?

* I really enjoy the blog Ivy League Insecurities—"because no league prepares you for life."

April Fool! How a Prank Can Make You Happy.

My happiness-project resolutions include "Cultivate rituals and traditions," "Spread family cheer," "Take time for projects," and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." This cluster of resolutions runs together—meaning that doing a single action means I can give myself a gold star in several boxes. (And, yes, I love those gold stars.)

Last year, I decided to start doing holiday breakfasts, so these days I decorate the breakfast table for each holiday. This is easy, fun, and festive. I also decided to start playing April Fools' pranks.

Yesterday morning, I combined the two. Before I went to bed the night before, I dyed the milk bright green—in an opaque container. In the morning, when my two daughters were at the table, I got a big gasp when I poured the milk  into their bowls of Special K cereal. Much excitement. Then the green milk dyed their teeth and tongues green, another source of hilarity.

The happiness payoff was huge. Both girls got a big kick out of it; they were very excited to tell my husband about it when he came into the kitchen; they were very excited to tell their friends that I had played a real joke on them. The morning felt special and fun.

I took a picture, so we can remember this morning for a long time.

This April Fools' joke took me about 10 seconds to pull off, but I had to decide to do it. Sometimes, even doing the smallest extra thing seems impossible, but it’s worth the effort. I constantly have to remind myself of the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. I’m always happy when I take the time to observe a tradition, do a family project, spread a little cheer, take a photo.

Last year, I froze my daughters' bowls of cereal—this year, food dye. Now I am officially out of kid-appropriate pranks. Any ideas? Please post!

* If you're interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my superfabulous new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line. To those of you who sign up—thanks so much!