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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I’ve written before about my resolution to Get more sleep, and I’m bringing it up again, because I’m truly convinced that this is one of the first aspects of life to tackle when you start a happiness project.
It’s easy to become accustomed to being sleep-deprived, but it’s not good for you. Many researchers argue that not getting enough sleep has broad health consequences, such as raising your risk for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and even obesity, but in addition to those, it has a profound effect on your happiness.
One study showed that a bad night’s sleep was one of the top two reasons for being in a bad mood at work. (The other? Tight work deadlines.) Another study suggested that getting one extra hour of sleep each night would do more for your daily happiness than getting a $60,000 raise.
But here’s another reason why I think sleep matters so much for happiness: exhaustion makes the mornings tougher.
The morning is a hard time for many people.
First, a lot of people try to exercise early in the morning. This is a great idea—you check it off your list and get the mood boost all day long. My weight-training instructor told me, “I’ve noticed that people who exercise first thing are much more likely to stick to an exercise program. If you roll out of bed and exercise, you get it out of the way. If you try to do it later, you come up with excuses for yourself, or other things interfere.”
Second, a lot of people face a gruesome commute. A bad commute is a real happiness challenge and one to which people don’t adapt. If you’re sleepy, you’re going to be crabby and inattentive, and that’s a bad combination in a driver.
Third, a lot of people have to get their kids off to school. This is why I need a lot of sleep. Every single morning tries my patience to the utmost. If my big one isn’t complaining, my little one is whining. Remembering to put everything in the backpacks, picking out clothes, finding the right mittens, leaving on time … it’s hard, every day. A lot of my resolutions, such as Sing in the morning and Observe the evening tidy-up, are aimed at improving the morning experience. (Here are some tips for keeping school-day mornings cheery.)
I’ve also resolved to “Get up at 6 a.m.,” so I have an hour to get myself organized before the rest of my family wakes up. And what does this mean? It means I have to go to sleep earlier.
I was lucky enough to get an advance copy of my friend Erin Doland’s excellent new book, Unclutter Your Life in One Week. It has lots of great information and tips, and I was quite struck by her observation:
“Experience has taught me that to get out of bed just fifteen minutes earlier each morning, most people need to go to bed thirty minutes earlier. To wake up and feel refreshed thirty minutes earlier in the morning requires going to bed a full hour earlier.”
I’d assumed this had just been my idiosyncratic experience, so I was surprised to see that someone else had found the same thing. Alas, I think this is absolutely true.
The fact is, I resent having to go to bed so early, just at the beginning of one of the most enjoyable parts of my day. I finally have an opportunity to read for fun, call my sister in Los Angeles, cruise the internet, or watch TV. Instead, I have to turn out the light.
It’s strange that turning off the light is so hard. You’d think, “What could take less effort than going to sleep?” and yet I find that it sometimes takes a lot of effort to put myself to bed, even when I’m actually feeling sleepy. It’s just so much fun to stay up—or sometimes I feel too tired to take out my contacts.
Getting enough sleep really pays off, though. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, or listless, or irritable, try getting more sleep for a week. That might help more than you expect.
What do you think? How much is your happiness affected by the amount of sleep you get?
* On Gimundo, I read about a fascinating study that suggests that being in a clean-smelling environment makes people behave in a more fair and generous way.
* If you’re in a book group and think you might choose The Happiness Project as a reading selection, please let me know. I’ll send you a discussion guide, plus I plan to give away some free advance copies of the book, and I’ll choose addresses from these emails.
● E-mail me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don’t forget the “1”) with the message “book group"
● include your name and address if you’d like to be eligible for a free book
● if you’re willing, I’d love to know a little about your group: how many members, what you read, etc. No particular reason, I’m just curious about book groups!
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I love visiting this blog’s companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox—it’s fun to add to my own Inspiration Board, keep up with my own one-sentence journal (mine is a journal of what I’m reading), check my lists, etc.
But I’m really addicted to the site because I love looking at what other people are writing. I can’t get enough of reading other people’s favorite quotations on the Inspiration Boards, seeing other people’s personal commandments, and all the rest. (To see what other people have added, you can click on the Tools listed across the top or on the “more” running down the right side.)
Today, instead of proposing one of my resolutions for your happiness project, I gathered six of my favorite resolutions from that section of the Toolbox. These are resolutions posted by other people that I’m going to start to follow myself:
1. Say “I love you” every day.
2. Choose the bigger life.
3. Read books with my children.
4. Laugh with my wife daily [OK, I’ll change this to “husband”].
5. Kindness.
6. Put clothes away.
I don’t knit, so I won’t follow the resolution “no pressure knitting,” but that resolution gave me such a clear picture of that person and that happiness project! I laughed out loud; I know exactly what that means.
One note: I see that a lot of people have the resolution to “drink more water.” It’s not clear that this is a helpful resolution. Maybe you don't need to drink more water. If you love drinking water, then by all means, drink water, but from what I can see, the benefits are quite overblown, so you don’t need to worry about this too much.
We all have a limited capacity for sticking to resolutions, so make sure you’re getting the biggest happiness bang for the buck. You'd probably be better off using your precious resolution energy toward going for a 10-minute walk instead of trying to drink water.
What resolutions have proved most helpful in your happiness projects?
* Ashby Jones at the Wall Street Journal law blog did a two-part interview with me this week. We had a great time talking about happiness, lawyers, and career choices in general.
Part I
Part II
* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting commentary there.
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I can never bear to see myself on video, so I haven't watched this myself, but I had a lot of fun talking about "tried and tested ways to find happiness" on the CBS News show Up to the Minute. I talk about the simple, everyday kinds of things that can boost happiness.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Writer Jean Stafford scoffed, “Happy people don’t need to have fun,” but studies show that the absence of feeling bad isn’t enough to make you feel good; you must strive to find sources of feeling good. Research shows that regularly having fun is a key factor in having a happy life; people who have fun are 20 times more likely to feel happy.
Recently, I noticed a pattern among activities that people find fun: Have a mission. There’s something about having a playful purpose, of trying to achieve something, that makes an activity more fun.
For example, a friend told that she loved visiting flea markets and antique stores to look for old globes—not fancy ones, but cheap ones. She has a rule that she’ll never pay more than $20. She’s the kind of person who loves poking around in those kinds of shops in any case, but having a mission makes it more fun, less aimless.
For that matter, having a collection of any sort is a very popular way to have a mission. You get the little zap of satisfaction whenever you find another piece of blue sea glass on the beach or another out-of-print book by Charlotte Yonge. Or you collect experiences, like attending a game in every Major League Baseball stadium or running in as many marathons as possible.
Taking photos is a common way to incorporate a mission into traveling. Not only does this help keep memories vivid, it also makes you more attuned to your environment while traveling. (Although for some people, taking photos can become a barrier to experience; they get so focused on getting the photos that they don’t enjoy the reality.) For example, during my most recent visit to New Haven, I had a lot more fun wandering around once I set myself the mission of taking tourist photos of my own romance.
Some people have a mission to take photos during everyday life: taking a photo of people’s bare feet whenever they get the chance, taking a photo of every red barn they see. Artist Nicholas Nixon did a series called "The Brown Sisters," a series of black-and-white photos of his wife and her three sisters taken every year from 1975-2006. It’s absolutely riveting.
Why is this true? The First Splendid Truth holds that to be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.
The more I’ve thought about happiness, the more surprised I’ve been at the importance of the “atmosphere of growth.” I think this is a huge engine of happiness, and when you have a mission, you create an atmosphere of growth whenever you pursue that mission.
Have you found a way to have a mission? What is it—and does it boost your happiness?
* On Gimundo, I read about a very reassuring study that concludes that workers who are permitted to spend time each day (less than 20 percent of total time) puttering around the Internet are actually more productive than those who aren't allowed to do so. Phew.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s OK to ask for help,” and one of my resolutions is “Ask for help.” Why I find this simple act so difficult, I don’t know. But I know that other people do, too—for example, the excellent Marci Alboher just wrote about how to ask for help.
I don’t like to admit I don’t know something or understand how to do something, and I feel even more uncomfortable and sheepish when I ask for help promoting my work. I was comforted when I read this confession in Samuel Butler’s Note-Books
: “I was nearly forty before I felt how stupid it was to pretend to know things that I did not know and I still often catch myself doing so.”
The thing is, asking for help really ... helps. It makes my life a lot easier and more pleasant. And that makes me happier.
So now I’m going to ask for help getting the word out about The Happiness Project.
If you’re so inclined, it would be a huge help if you’d forward the link to this blog to three people who might be interested. Do you know someone facing a happiness challenge? Someone very interested in the subject of happiness? Word of mouth is the best recommendation; people really respect their friends’ suggestions.
Also, if you’re inclined to buy the book The Happiness Project, it would a huge help if you’d pre-order it. The book hasn’t hit the shelves yet, but early interest brings all sorts of benefits for a book. Buzz at the beginning really matters.
So, phew, I did it. I asked for help. Not just one kind of help, but two!
Asking for help boosts happiness, because not only does it make your life easier, it demonstrates that you have a social network that supports you. What’s more, asking for help is a sign of relationship and trust. As Benjamin Franklin recommended, “If you want to make a friend, let someone do you a favor.” I remember someone at work telling me, “I never liked that guy until he asked to borrow $50. Then I realized he must consider me a friend, and presto! I started liking him.”
Also, by asking for help, you’re boosting other people’s happiness. Studies show that for happiness, providing support is just as important as getting support. Often, people like to help. I know I like to help. That’s Part A of the Second Splendid Truth, also known as “Do good, feel good.”
Do you find it difficult to ask for help? When you do ask for help, does it make you happier?
* On Gimundo I found this happy video of fun with sticky notes—by EepyBird, the same people who did the Diet Coke and Mentos experiment.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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One of the happiness-project resolutions that I’ve found to be most effective—and also the most fun—is to Join or start a group. Since I started my happiness project, I’ve joined or started seven groups, each of which has added dramatically to my happiness.
Some people are interested in starting or joining a group for people doing happiness projects—to my astonishment, more than 2,000 people have sent for the starter kit for people launching such a group. (Click here if you'd like to sign up for a kit yourself.)
I’m wildly interested in what these groups are doing, so am thrilled whenever I hear news. There are groups forming in cities like Dallas/Fort Worth, Boston, Gainesville, Fla.—even Singapore!
Nicole’s group, in Enid, Okla., has more than forty members (incredible). Nicole suggested that everyone begin by deciding on three or four resolutions, and she offered several great suggestions about making an effective resolution (start small; keep it concrete; hold yourself accountable by keeping a chart, whether online at the Happiness Project Toolbox or on paper), and she offered her own resolutions as an example:
1. Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day.
2. Exercise at least twice per week.
3. Choose my arguments more wisely.
4. Take more notes so I do not forget things so easily.
Nicole made another excellent point to the Enid group, which I echo in different words in my Secrets of Adulthood. She reminded everyone, “Remember, you’ll only get out of this what you’re willing to put in!” Very true. (My version is “No deposit, no return.”)
Michael’s group in L.A. has an unexpected geographic challenge: thirty-two people are interested in joining the group, and they’re spread all across the vast L.A. area. To keep the drive easier for people, Michael has suggested that they break into two groups, to keep meeting as convenient as possible. Very smart! Convenience matters a lot! However, having a committed leader matters a lot, too, so I hope someone steps forward to lead the new, second group if it forms.
Dani is launching a group in the Washington, D.C., area. If you’re interested in joining, e-mail her at positivepresent@gmail.com. Her excellent blog is Positively Present.
Group leaders, please do join the Facebook Discussion Page for group leaders. From time to time, I’d like able to contact you directly—for instance, I’m sending you all a little surprise in the mail this week—and if you’re on that page, I’ll be able to find you.
What about the tri-state area (New York, Connecticut, New Jersey)? I live in New York City and would love to see a happiness-project group form in my own backyard. If you’ve started one, let me know! Maybe I can come to the kick-off meeting.
* I was interested to see this Marriage Calculator at Divorce360. My result? "People with similar backgrounds who are already divorced: 14%. People with similar backgrounds who will be divorced over the next five years: 3%." Apparently that puts me at average risk for divorce.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few months ago, in a post about the resolution to Join or start a group, I threw out a suggestion: You might consider launching a group for people who were interested in pursuing their own happiness projects.
As I explained, I think this would be great. People could swap ideas, build enthusiasm, give each other accountability for doing happiness projects—and not only that—just the fact of joining a group, whatever the focus might be, would build happiness.
I promised that if people were interested, I’d create a starter kit to help get the ball rolling. To my shock and delight, more than a thousand people have written to request the starter kit. Zoikes! Sign up here to get your own kit.
It’s very exciting to see the first few local Happiness Project Groups begin to take shape. Who’s next?
—Michael has started a group in Los Angeles.
—Wendi has started a group in Gainesville, Fla.
—Elizabeth has started a group in Waterville, Maine.
Elizabeth reports: “I introduced the happiness toolbox, photocopied the weekly topics pages and have started to do the projects as an adjunct to our group support. At this point almost everyone in the Women's Group has signed up for the Happiness Project Group.”
—I’ve heard about groups forming in D.C., Chicago, and the SF Bay area. More on those soon.
If you have friends in those cities, please let them know that these groups that are forming.
Also, if you’ve started a happiness-project group yourself, please set up a Facebook Group for it and add yourself to the Group Directory. (This sounds like a pain, but it’s not as arduous as it sounds—but if you can’t deal with these logistics, don’t worry about it.)
Now, I realize that many (or perhaps even most) of the people starting happiness-project groups are forming them with friends. In that case, you don’t need help spreading the word. Please do go ahead and make a Facebook Group for yourself and add yourself to the Group Directory, anyway.
In the future, I’m hoping to be able to offer certain things to the Groups and the Group Leaders, so I need to be able to find you! Also, a directory will allow the groups to communicate among themselves.
One observation for those who are considering forming a group: It takes special energy to start something. The number of people who are willing to get something rolling is much smaller than the number of people who will join up. As Samuel Johnson noted, “The production of something, where nothing was before, is an act of greater energy than the expansion or decoration of the thing produced.” But every time I’ve made the effort to start something (for example, my two children's-literature reading groups), I've ended up being very happy that I did.
Keep me posted about these groups! I can’t tell you how interested I am to hear about what everyone is doing.
* On Gimundo, I ran across a video that shows 500 years of female faces in Western art in less than three minutes. Mesmerizing.
* Again, if you're interested in forming a group for people who are working on their own happiness projects—to share ideas, provide accountability, and have fun—you can sign up for a starter kit here.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for making yourself likable.
You can't actually make someone like you. But you can behave in ways that will make it slightly more likely.
We all want to feel that other people enjoy being with us and that they seek our company. Having close relationships is one of the most meaningful elements to happiness. It’s not always easy to make friends, however. To form a friendship, you must like someone—and you must also be likable.
How can you boost the chances that someone will like you? Here are eight strategies to keep in mind—not ways to manipulate people or to be fake but to make sure that your desire to be friendly effectively shines through:
1. Smile. Now, this is no shock, but studies do show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct impact on how friendly you’re perceived to be. Also, people mimic the expressions on the faces they see, so if you smile, you’re more likely to be smiled at. (Scientists have identified 19 types of smiles, by the way.)
2. Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. Most people get more pleasure from wowing you with their humor and insight than from being wowed by your humor and insight.
3. Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Lean toward people, nod, say “Uh-huh,” turn your body to face the other person’s body. Don’t turn your body away, cross your arms, answer in monosyllables, or scan the room (or look at your Blackberry! I have seen this happen!) as the other person talks.
4. Remember trait transfer. In “trait transfer,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a co-worker as brilliant and charismatic, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. Conversely, if you describe a co-worker as arrogant and obnoxious, those traits will stick to you. So watch what you say.
5. Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. However, don’t push this self-deprecation too far—keep it light. You’ll make others uncomfortable if you run yourself down too much. I met a guy who kept saying things like, "I'm an idiot," "I have the most boring job ever," etc. He was trying to be self-deprecating, but it was hard to know how to respond to that kind of comment from a stranger.
6. Radiate energy and good humor. Because of the phenomenon of “emotional contagion,” people catch the emotions of other people, and they prefer to catch an upbeat, energetic mood. Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth.
7. Show your liking for another person. We’re much more apt to like someone if we think that person likes us. Look for ways to signal that you enjoy a person’s company. When I call my daughters’ pediatrician with some health question, she always says “Hello!” as if she’s genuinely thrilled to hear from me, and I’ve really noticed what a difference it makes on my feelings of warmth toward her.
8. Try to remember the name of the person you're talking to! If you can’t remember it, here are some tips for coping with the situation.
Studies suggest that we decide how close a relationship we’ll have with a new acquaintance within the first 10 minutes of meeting that person, and that in evaluating people, we weigh early information more heavily than information acquired later. So make a big effort to be openly friendly the first time you meet someone.
* Courtesy of the brilliant, funny Communicatrix, I discovered iSerenity, a site that provides "ambient sound environments at your desktop for relaxation." You can use it as white noise if you work in a cubicle (a friend works for a company that plays white noise to give people more sound privacy at their desks) or if you like a soothing noise. I love the Rain. Also included: vacuum and fan, very handy if you have a newborn who sleeps better with those noises.
* If you haven't watched my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might like to check it out.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A reader sent me the link to Jonathan Haidt's article, "It’s More Fun to Work on Strengths Than Weaknesses (but It May Not Be Better For You)," from May 2002. I was particularly interested to read it because I very much liked Haidt’s book, The Happiness Hypothesis
.
The purpose of the article was to examine whether people benefited more from working on their strengths or working on their weaknesses, drawing upon the Values in Action Classification of 24 strengths/virtues, but what interested me most was the article’s Appendix. It provides a big menu of suggested activities for people to consider as they work on their strengths or weaknesses.
If you’re trying to think of resolutions for boosting your own happiness, this list is a great place to get ideas. (The list is aimed at college students living in Charlottesville, Va., but it's easily adapted to other situations.)
What I like about this list is its specificity. Making resolutions like “Have more joy” or “Live more deeply” are abstract, and so it’s harder to act on them. Resolutions are more effective when they direct you to a very concrete action.
1. Curiosity and Interest in the World
a. Ask question in class
b. Discover new places
c. Explore the stacks in the library; browse widely, or pick an interesting looking book each day, and spend 20 minutes skimming it.
d. Eat something new that you never otherwise would have tried
e. Go to a meeting or hear a speaker
2. Love of Learning
a. Discover one new place in C’ville every day
b. Read a newspaper other than the Cav Daily
c. Go to a professor’s office hours without a question
d. Ask a question in class
e. Go to an online search engine like Ask Jeeves-ask a question and explore sites you never otherwise would have discovered
f. Every day, read a chapter of a book that is not an assigned class text
g. Read a book about something you’ve always found intriguing but never found the time to learn more about.
3. Judgment, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness
a. Go to a multi-cultural group or event.
b. Play devil’s advocate and discuss an issue from the side opposite to your personal views
c. Take a hall/suitemate out to lunch who is different from you in some way.
d. Go to a different church or religious event
e. Every day, pick something you believe strongly, and think about how you might be wrong.
4. Creativity, ingenuity and originality
a. Keep a journal, work on a picture or poem
b. Submit a piece to a literary magazine or newspaper
c. Decorate a notebook or your room
d. Pick one object in your room and devise another use for it rather than its intended use
e. Find a new word every day (perhaps at dictionary.com) and use it creatively every day.
f. Change your profile on IM daily
5. Social Intelligence
a. Meet one new person each day by approaching them
b. Go into a social situation in which you would normally feel uncomfortable and try to fit in
c. Whenever you talk with someone, try to figure out what his or her motives and concerns are.
d. Encounter someone by themselves and by being friendly, include them in your group.
6. Perspective (Wisdom)
a. Get a quote a day online
b. Give advice to an upset friend
c. Think of the wisest person you know. Try to live each day as that person would live.
d. Look up prominent people in history and learn their views on important issues of their day and/or find a significant quotation that they said.
7. Valor
a. Talk in class (if you don’t normally)
b. Go against peer pressure or social norms
c. Stand up for someone even if you disagree with him/her.
d. Ask someone out or to dance
e. Introduce yourself to a stranger next to you in class
f. Speak up for an unpopular idea (if you believe in it)
8. Industry diligence and Perseverance
a. Finish work ahead of time
b. Notice your thoughts about stopping a task, and ignore them. Focus on the task at hand.
c. In class, resist daydreaming and distractions.
d. Plan ahead- use a calendar for assignments and tests.
e. Set a high goal (e.g., for exercise, or studying) and stick to it.
f. When you wake up in the morning, make a list of things that you want to get done that day that could be put off until the next day. Make sure to get them done that day.
9. Honesty, Authenticity and Genuineness
a. Refrain from telling small, white lies, to friends (including insincere compliments). If you do tell one, admit it and apologize right away.
b. Monitor yourself and make a list of every time you tell a lie, even if it is a small one. Try to make your daily list shorter every day.
c. At the end of each day, identify something you did that was attempting to impress people, or put on a show. Resolve not to do it again.
10. Zest, Enthusiasm, and Energy
a. Go out of your way to become more involved in an organization you are already a part of
b. Take up a greater interest in one of your classes, i.e. volunteer for a class activity
c. Do something because you want to, not because you are told.
d. Get a good night’s sleep and eat a good breakfast, to give yourself more energy during the day.
e. Do something physically vigorous in the morning (e.g., jog, push-ups)
11. Kindness and generosity
a. Leave a huge tip for a small check.
b. Do a random act of kindness every day (a simple, small favor). Make it anonymous if possible.
c. Be a listening ear to a friend. Ask them how their day was and actually listen to the answer before telling them about your own day.
d. Send an e-card to a different friend each day.
e. Pay the whole tab when you are out with friends.
12. Capacity to Love and be Loved
a. Tell boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/parent that you love them
b. Send a loved one a card or e-card to say that you were thinking about him/her.
c. Give loved ones a big hug and a kiss
d. Write a nice note where someone you love will find it sometime during the day. Do this in a new place, or for a new person, every day.
13. Citizenship and Teamwork
a. Volunteer at Madison House
b. Take on added responsibility within an organization you are already a part of
c. Pick up litter that you see on the ground
d. Clean your suite, hall, or lounge (anywhere communal)
e. Organize a hall/suite dinner
f. Do your share in a group work/as a facilitator
14. Fairness, Equity and Justice
a. Allow someone to speak their peace while keeping an open mind by not passing judgment
b. Stay impartial in an argument between friends despite your beliefs (be the mediator)
c. Notice when you treat someone based on a stereotype or pre-conception; resolve not to do it again.
15. Leadership
a. Organize something special for your friends or suitemates one evening.
b. Organize a study group
16. Modesty
a. Don’t talk about yourself at all for a full day.
b. Dress and act modestly, so as not to attract attention to yourself.
c. Find a way in which someone you know is better than you. Compliment him or her for it.
17. Self-Control and Self-Regulation
a. Set aside 2 hours (or other designated amount of time) and ACTUALLY study in a quiet place.
b. Work out four days a week (if you don’t already)
c. Clean or organize your room. Every day, make sure that you pick up whatever mess you made during the day.
d. Leave something unfinished on your plate that you usually regret eating afterwards.
e. When something upsets you, attempt to block it out of your mind and instead focus on the good things in your life.
f. Make a resolution to not gossip. When you feel the urge to talk about someone behind his or her back, remember your resolution and stop yourself before you talk.
g. In the evenings, make an agenda for the following day. Stick to that agenda.
h. When you get overly emotional about something, calm down and calmly consider all of the issues again.
18. Caution, Prudence and Discretion
a. During a conversation, think twice before saying anything. Weigh the probable effect of your words on others.
b. Think about the motto “Better safe than sorry” at least three times a day. Try to incorporate its meaning into your life.
c. Before you decide to do something important, reflect on it for a moment and consider if you want to live with its consequences 1 hour, 1 day, or 1 year later.
19. Forgiveness and Mercy
a. Think of someone that you found it very hard to forgive. Try to see the situation from their perspective. Then consider, if you had been the one to do the offensive act, would you have expected to be forgiven?
b. Keep a journal, and every night, describe someone who made you mad, or against whom you have a grudge. After writing about the grudge, describe why you are resistant to forgiving them. Then look at the situation from that person’s point of view, and forgive the person.
c. Make contact with someone who has made you mad in the past. Let them know that you forgive them, or just be kind to them in your conversation.
d. When someone does something that you do not understand, try to fathom his or her intentions in the actions.
20. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence
a. Go to a museum (e.g., the Bailey) and pick out a piece of artwork or a display that has aesthetic value and touches you because of its beauty.
b. Write down your thoughts about a piece of art, or something beautiful you see around grounds.
c. Take a walk with a friend and comment on something pretty that you see
d. Attend a concert and enjoy the sound for its musical value. Or pick out the most moving music you know of, and listen to it appreciatively on headphones every night. Or ask a friend to recommend the most beautiful music he or she knows.
e. Keep a journal, and every night, record something you saw during the day that struck you as extremely beautiful, or skillful.
f. Find something that makes you happy, in aesthetics or value, a physical activity or an object, and let it inspire you throughout the day.
g. Visit the Fine Arts Library and browse through the art books.
21. Gratitude
a. Keep a journal, and each night, make a list of three things that you are thankful for in life
b. Every day, thank someone for something that you might otherwise take for granted (e.g., thanking the janitor who cleans your hallways).
c. Keep a record of the number of times you use the words “thank you” in a day. Over the course of the first week, try to double the number of times that you say the words.
d. Call a parent/sibling/friend each day and thank him/her (e.g., for helping you to become who you are, or for always being there for you.)
e. Send someone a “thank you” e-greeting.
f. Leave a note on your roommate/apartment mate suitemate/hall mate that thanks them for something about them that you appreciate.
22. Hope, Optimism, and Future-Mindedness
a. Keep a journal, and every night, record a decision you made that day that will impact your life in the long run
b. When you are in a bad situation, turn it around to see the optimistic side of it. You can almost always find some good in a situation, regardless of how awful it seems at the time.
c. Make a list of bad decisions you have made. Forgive yourself and move on in life realizing that you cannot go backwards, only focus on the present and future.
d. Notice your negative thoughts. Counter them with positive thoughts.
e. Reaffirm yourself that you can and will succeed at whatever you put your mind to.
23. Spirituality and Sense of Purpose, and Faith
a. For five minutes a day, relax and think about the purpose of life, and where you fit in. b. For five minutes a day, think about the things you can do to improve the world or your community.
c. Read a religious or spiritual book, or go to a religious service every day
d. Explore different religions. You can do this by going to a library, looking on the Internet, or asking your friends about their religions.
e. Spend a few minutes a day in meditation or prayer.
f. Invest in a book of affirmations or optimistic quotes. Read a few every day.
24. Humor and Playfulness
a. Every day, make someone smile or laugh.
b. Learn a joke and tell it to your friends.
c. Watch a funny movie or TV show.
d. Read the comics
e. Learn a magic trick and perform it for your friends
Once you choose your resolutions, just make sure you remember to stick to them. That's even trickier than choosing the right resolutions.
* If you’re interested in starting a happiness-project group, where you meet with other people to work on your own happiness projects, email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Happiness-Project Group” in the subject line. I'm preparing a starter kit for anyone who is thinking about starting a group.
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My happiness-project resolutions include "Cultivate rituals and traditions," "Spread family cheer," "Take time for projects," and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." This cluster of resolutions runs together—meaning that doing a single action means I can give myself a gold star in several boxes. (And, yes, I love those gold stars.)
Last year, I decided to start doing holiday breakfasts, so these days I decorate the breakfast table for each holiday. This is easy, fun, and festive. I also decided to start playing April Fools' pranks.
Yesterday morning, I combined the two. Before I went to bed the night before, I dyed the milk bright green—in an opaque container. In the morning, when my two daughters were at the table, I got a big gasp when I poured the milk into their bowls of Special K cereal. Much excitement. Then the green milk dyed their teeth and tongues green, another source of hilarity.
The happiness payoff was huge. Both girls got a big kick out of it; they were very excited to tell my husband about it when he came into the kitchen; they were very excited to tell their friends that I had played a real joke on them. The morning felt special and fun.
I took a picture, so we can remember this morning for a long time.
This April Fools' joke took me about 10 seconds to pull off, but I had to decide to do it. Sometimes, even doing the smallest extra thing seems impossible, but it’s worth the effort. I constantly have to remind myself of the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. I’m always happy when I take the time to observe a tradition, do a family project, spread a little cheer, take a photo.
Last year, I froze my daughters' bowls of cereal—this year, food dye. Now I am officially out of kid-appropriate pranks. Any ideas? Please post!
* If you're interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my superfabulous new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line. To those of you who sign up—thanks so much!
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“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”
-- Thomas Merton, Journal
, October 2, 1958
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I’m going through a Tolstoy obsession right now—one which I’ve resisted for a long time, but now, in true Tolstoyan fashion, am allowing myself to succumb to—and I was struck by a phrase in a description of Nabatov, a hero in Resurrection
.
Nabatov is a peasant who got a high-school education because of his exceptional talents. He didn’t go to the university, however, because he wanted to “go among the people and enlighten his neglected brethren.” He took up various positions, and each time was arrested for trying to organize the peasants, and ultimately he was exiled. Tolstoy extols his virtues:
As a peasant he was industrious, observant, and clever at his work; he was also naturally self-controlled, polite without any effort, and attentive not only to the wishes but also to the opinions of others. His widowed mother, an illiterate, superstitious old peasant woman, was still living, and Nabatov helped her, and used to visit her when he was free. During the time he spent at home he entered into all the interests of his mother’s life, helped her in her work, continued his intercourse with former playfellows, smoking in their company cheap tobacco in ‘dog’s-foot cigarettes,’ took part in their fisticuffs, and explained to them how they were all being deceived by the State and how they ought to disentangle themselves from the deception they were kept in.
The phrase that caught my attention in this description is that Nabatov “entered into all the interest of his mother’s life.” It occurs to me that when you think of people getting along harmoniously—whether in a family, or among friends, or in an office—people make an effort to enter into the interests of each other’s lives.
Presumably Nabatov wasn’t much interested in the things that interested his “illiterate, superstitious old peasant” mother. I’m not much interested in Hannah Montana, which interests my older daughter. My husband isn’t much interested in why I think all biographers of St. Therese of Lisieux have profoundly misunderstood her.
Not only do people find it difficult to enter into each other’s interests, people also have a strong impulse to be judgmental about other people’s interests. I think someone’s interest in wine is boring. Someone thinks my interest in children’s literature is childish.
When you’re trying to be happier, one issue that frequently arises is: “If I do this, am I being fake? Doesn’t happiness depend on being authentic? If I don’t naturally feel optimistic/positive/interested, why should I pretend?” (See, e.g., whether you should unenthusiastically play your part in a tradition.)
That’s a very good question. If you spend your time faking an interest in topics that bore you, you’re not going to be very happy. On the other hand, entering into other people’s interests is an important way to show respect and affection.
Ah, the elusive happy medium. What do you think? Is it laudable to enter into other people’s interests, or do you view that as inauthentic? Wait ... I think I hear the Hannah Montana theme song. Gotta go.
* I'm thrilled! I asked if any possible "super-fans" of the Happiness Project would be willing to volunteer to help me out in a few ways—and so many people have offered. Thank you all!
If any more kind souls would like to sign up, please just drop me an email at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail[dot com]. (I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual e-mail format.) No need to write anything more than “super-fan” in the subject line, and I’ll put your name on the list.
First item: Before long, I’m going to launch my supersecret, superfabulous, happiness-related Web site. I’ll send the "super-fans" the link ahead of time, in case they’d be interested in being beta testers (i.e., using the site in its early, pre-public stages).
If you’re not interested in that, there are other issues that will come up in the next few months—all purely voluntary, of course, so if you sign up as a super-fan but then don't have time or don’t want to do anything, that’s fine, too.
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One of my happiness-project resolutions is to join or start a group. I can’t begin to measure how much happiness I’ve received from starting my two children’s-literature reading groups. (Yes, now I belong to two of these groups, because the first one got so big we stopped accepting new people.) If you’re trying to find more happiness in life, being part of a group helps you make new friends, deepen existing friendships, and have fun—all factors that will make you happier. Also, it can be a source of an atmosphere of growth in your life, also a key to happiness.
If you want to start a group, a common passion is a great organizing principle: French movies, learning Italian, training for a marathon. But what if you don’t have a specific passion that lends itself to a group activity? What’s another way to form a group?
A reader, Jeff, wrote me with a great idea. He’s starting a club, The Magnificent Secret Science Club, all about conversation—with the idea that people are increasingly connecting through technology but they still need and want a way to meet face-to-face.
Jeff has organized people to meet regularly in a bar for conversation. At each meeting, he’ll open with three questions for discussion, and then everyone can talk to each other.
This group meets in Minneapolis, so how do I know about it? Because he asked me for some discussion questions about happiness.
I tried to think of questions that would generate real debate and self-disclosure. (Self-disclosure is a great way to build trust and friendship.) I suggested:
1. What’s the relationship between money and happiness?
2. What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
3. Is it selfish to work on being happier?
4. Is there a quotation, a book, or a scene from a movie that you’ve found particularly compelling?
5. If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
6. Have you noticed people with habits that regularly detract from their happiness? Or boost their happiness?
In fact ... it strikes me that a great organizing principle for a group would be happiness! Everyone has strong views and experiences to share. If people got together to talk about their happiness projects, they could swap ideas, build enthusiasm, and hold themselves accountable—and have fun with friends at the same time. How great would it be to see happiness meet-ups popping up across the country? Boy, if people want to start happiness-project groups, I'd create some kind of kit to help them get the ball rolling. If you think you’d be interested in starting something like that, drop me a note at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry to write in that weird way—trying to thwart spammers.)
I know some of you are wincing at this idea—yes, I know you're scoffing! Oh well, it's not for everyone. Have you formed a group? What organizing principle did you use?
* I always enjoy checking out The Art of Non-Conformity. Great stuff there—and very original presentation.
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As I’ve worked on my happiness project, I’ve been very surprised by how energizing and cheering I find it to clear clutter. In fact, when I’m jonesing for a happiness boost, I’ve been known to beg my friends to let me help them clean out their closets.
One of my favorite books about clearing clutter is Julie Morgenstern’s classic Organizing From the Inside Out
, which I find helpful, realistic, and inspiring. (I've read it a couple of times.) She has a new book that just came out, which is also terrific: SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life
.
The thing that distinguishes her approach is her emphasis on the reasons for clutter. Clutter isn’t just a matter of not having enough closet space. There are psychological reasons that you hang onto things, and when you acknowledge that aspect of clutter, you’re able to get rid of more and also to get more energy from the process. Julie Morgenstern has done a lot of thinking about happiness, as it relates to managing our possessions and time.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Julie: First and foremost, dancing. For all of my life, dancing. No matter what’s on my mind, I am instantly transported the minute I start dancing. The music and movement take me out of my head and into my body, as well as someone else’s musical composition, rhythm, sensibility, emotions. I enjoy all types of dance … from swing and salsa, to folk and freestyle.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18?
That a big ingredient to happiness is non-work-related fun. I always got great joy from my work and still do, but when I was younger, I connected happiness to achievement … and almost felt guilty taking time for fun. Now, I cherish the balance, having fun at work, and also having fun at play. I know this doesn't sound like a radical concept, but it’s been a big a-ha for me over the years.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
I go to Central Park. Being around people … the many characters, stories, scenes, energy, and warmth of others pulls me out of my own troubles and lifts my mood. It’s an instant antidote. And, I must confess, organizing something helps—a drawer, a bookcase, a closet—it’s a way of taking control of what I can, which boosts my calm and confidence.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The primary difference between happy and unhappy people is the sense of personal control or victimization. As a consultant and speaker, most of the people I encounter feel like they are masters of their own lives and are a joy to work with. Together, we work out a plan to overcome any obstacles they have to achieving their goals. But periodically, I encounter people who feel like victims, and those people are never happy. No one is happy when they feel trapped, but I don’t believe any of us is ever trapped. Other than in the case of illness, we have the power to create and change our circumstances and continuously grow, learn, and improve our lives. And even in the most adverse situations, people who choose happiness find nuggets of joy and something to gain from each experience.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy?
I am a fundamentally happy person. Throughout my life, whenever I find myself in circumstances that distract from my happiness, I do whatever it takes to change those circumstances. And sometimes, that change is simply a matter of changing my perspective of a situation—and finding the opportunity in it. I consider life to be an adventure and a privilege and do everything I can to enjoy and get the most out of it.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you find very helpful?
"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."—Abraham Lincoln
* If you haven't seen my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. On Friday, I wrote about Myth No 5: A "Treat" Will Cheer You Up.
Myth No. 6: Money can't buy happiness.
Well, money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy lots of things that contribute mightily to happiness.
As the current financial downturn is making vividly clear, money contributes to happiness mostly in the negative; the lack of it brings much more unhappiness than possessing it brings happiness. (Good health is the same way—it’s easy to take money or health for granted until you don’t have it anymore.) People’s biggest worries include financial anxiety, health concerns, job insecurity, and having to do tiring and boring chores. Spent right, money can go a long way toward relieving these problems.
Also, if spent wisely, money can help you boost your happiness. For example, philosophers and scientists agree that having strong ties to other people is the key to happiness, and money can pay for a plane ticket to visit your sister, a babysitter for a date night with your sweetheart, or pizza and beer for a Super Bowl party with friends. Novelty and challenge will make you happier, and money can pay for a trip to France, for a drawing class, for a mountain bike.
Is money essential for developing strong ties to other people or finding ways to challenge yourself? Of course not. But money can make it easier. Some of the best things in life aren’t free.
Whether rich or poor, people make choices about how they spend money, and those choices can boost happiness or undermine happiness. It’s a mistake to assume that money will affect everyone the same way. No statistical average can say how a particular individual would be affected by money—depending on that individual’s circumstances and temperament. Three factors shape the significance of money for you:
* It depends on what kind of person you are. You might want to own a horse, or you might want to own a turtle. You might have six children and ailing, dependent parents, or you might have no children and robust parents. You might love to travel or you might prefer to putter around the house.
* It depends on how you spend your money. Some purchases are more likely to contribute to your happiness than others. You might buy cocaine, or you might buy fresh produce. You might splurge on a big-screen TV, or you might splurge by going to a more convenient gym.
* It depends on how much money you have relative to the people around you and relative to your own experience. One person’s fortune is another person’s misfortune.
The current economic climate underscores that third aspect of the money/happiness relationship: Our happiness is affected by whether we have more or less than we used to have.
My First Splendid Truth holds that “to think about happiness, think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.” We’re made happier by the feeling that we are learning, growing, seeing change for the better. This applies to the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional parts of our lives—and also, for most people, the financial part.
Feeling like we have less than we did—unless that’s the result of a conscious decision—can be a happiness challenge. In one striking study, people were asked whether they’d rather have a job that paid $30,000 the first year, $40,000 in the second year, and $50,000 in the third year or a job that paid $60,000, then $50,000, then $40,000. In general, people preferred the first option, with its raises—despite the fact that at the end of the three years, they would have earned only $120,000 total instead of $150,000.
Their decision might seem irrational, but in fact, the people who chose the first option understood the importance of growth to happiness. People are very sensitive to relative changes in their condition, for better or worse. (Side note: Some people feel like they have more with less, so they get a feeling of growth by simplifying their lives.)
If you feel like you’re worse off now than you were two years ago, that’s an unhappy feeling. Some quick ways to make yourself feel better: Count your blessings; distract yourself with something fun or interesting; find ways to assert control over your situation (even to do something as small as clean out a closet); spend time with friends; or do something to help someone else—you can sign up to be an organ donor right this minute.
What do you think? How do you think of the relationship between money and happiness? Important, unimportant? I think this is one of the most complex and fascinating subtopics within the subject of happiness.
* I love a good manifesto, and here's a great one on Scobleizer.
* If you haven't seen my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.
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"Anything you're good at contributes to happiness."—Bertrand Russell
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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We’re all familiar with the idea of “comfort food”—the food that you turn to when you’re feeling sad or stressed to make yourself feel better. Maybe it’s mac and cheese made the way your mother used to make it, or maybe it’s a cupcake from your favorite bakery.
I realized that I have a “comfort food” activity: reading children’s books. I love children’s literature, so I often read children’s books (now that I’ve embraced my love for kid-lit), whatever my mood.
But when I’m feeling overwhelmed, worried, or upset, I find myself turning to children’s books for comfort. These are books that I’ve reread innumerable times, and that I love, and that have that special quality of atmosphere that children’s books have.
My favorite comfort-activity authors are Louisa May Alcott, C.S. Lewis, Frances Hodgson Burnett, Madeleine L’Engle, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Edward Eager, Elizabeth Enright, and Noel Streatfeild. Oh, and E.L. Konigsberg, L. Frank Baum, Judy Blume, Robert O’Brien, Betty MacDonald, and Susan Cooper. And of course J.K. Rowling.
Just thinking about these names gives me a delicious feeling of pleasure and reassurance.
For years, I read children’s books as my comfort activity without quite grasping that I was self-medicating through literature. Now, though, instead of unconsciously wandering over to my kid-lit bookshelves in times of stress, I reach for these books, knowing that they’ll make me feel better. Realizing I have a tool at the ready is itself soothing.
My husband cooks for his comfort activity—often bread. A friend of mine told me he plays with his dog, another friend watches episodes of The Sopranos
, and another friend cleans out the fridge.
To find real comfort in an activity, it can’t be something that makes you feel anxious or guilty, later. That kind of treat doesn't work in the long run. Don’t go shopping or eat ice cream if the good feeling is going to turn bad.
Do you have a "comfort food" activity?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Because of the big boost in happiness I’ve gained from my happiness project, one of my main goals in life is to try to persuade other people to do happiness projects of their own. I’ve become a real happiness evangelist (at times, I suspect, a tiresome evangelist), and I’m always trying to think of new ways to coax people into trying various strategies.
People often e-mail me to let me know that they’ve decided to start their own happiness projects; in fact, there are many blogs chronicling people’s progress.
What do I do to help other people with their happiness projects? Every Friday, I post a resolution that I’ve tried and found helpful, for other people to consider: Make Your Bed, Don't Perform Random Acts of Kindness, Enter Into the Spirit of the Season, Abandon Your Self-Control.
I also e-mail my Resolutions Chart to anyone who wants to see my resolutions for inspiration as they devise their own. (Just e-mail me at grubin “at” symbol gretchenrubin dot com. Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.)
In a month or so, I’m going to do the beta-launch of my fabulous new Web site of eight happiness-project tools, called (straightforwardly enough), the Happiness Project Toolbox. More on that in future weeks.
But what else could I be doing? Although Friday is usually the day I propose a resolution, today instead I’m following one of my most useful resolutions, to “ask for help.”
Help me by telling me: How could I do a better job of encouraging other people with their happiness projects? For instance, nudge them to start a project; propose ideas for strategies to try; inspire them to stay motivated; connect like-minded people with each other.
I’m going to post this question from time to time. I’d love to hear any ideas, and at this point, I’d be particularly interested to hear suggestions about how to use Facebook effectively. I have friends on Facebook, and there’s a Happiness Project Group (that’s how I met my lovely blogland friend Jackie Danicki; she suggested that I set it up), and there’s a Gretchen Rubin Page.
I don’t have a good sense of how best to harness these tools, however. I love Facebook, but I use it in an extremely basic way.
If you’re a Facebook user, what would be useful for you? What would you like to see happening there?
Feel free to post a comment below, or if you’d prefer, e-mail me directly at grubin “at” symbol gretchenrubin dot com. Any ideas appreciated.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Sometimes, by coincidence, several people mention the same happiness-boosting idea around the same time, so it hits me with particular force.
A wonderful doctor is a tremendous source of comfort and reassurance; over the last few weeks, four friends have mentioned to me how much happier they were after they switched doctors. In every case, they were seeing a doctor who didn’t appreciate the amount of pain they were in and who dismissed their efforts to try to explain the problem or find some solution.
One OB/GYN said something like “Women have babies every day. You just had a baby. So you’re in pain—get over yourself.” Turns out my friend had a broken pelvis! Another friend kept explaining to a doctor that his advice wasn’t yielding any results in her case. He implied that she wasn’t being diligent about following instructions. When she switched, the new doctor put her on a medication that cleared up the problem immediately. Etc.
Given the importance of trusting and respecting your doctor, why is it so hard to make a change? I myself find it practically impossible to prod myself to switch, once I have had even one appointment with a doctor.
First, we need to believe that the doctor is smart and correct. Switching away from a doctor signals that we no longer trust his or her judgment, and that’s scary, especially if there’s some particular cause for concern.
Second, what with the records and charts and everything, it’s confusing to know HOW to switch.
Third, inertia is so powerful. Switching means finding a better doctor, which means doing research, questioning your judgment, tracking down information, figuring out who takes your insurance, where the office is located, and so on.
However, when my 9-year-old was a baby, I switched to a different pediatrician in a flash. My maternal instinct swamped my usual reluctance to make a change, and once I decided that I didn’t like the doctor, I had no trouble telling his office that we were going elsewhere. Maybe a way to coax yourself into switching doctors is to think of yourself in the third person, or to imagine how you’d act if a member of your family were receiving the treatment you’ve been getting.
(As a side note, I use this trick frequently: If I’m not sure about my reaction to some event, I imagine someone describing the situation to me as if it happened to a stranger. That often clarifies my view. Along the same lines, I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: “I’m sorry, Anne Lamott can’t accept that invitation to speak; she’s finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear.”)
Remember, too, that you’re helping other patients when you switch away from a bad doctor, because your switch demonstrates to a doctor that his or her treatment was unacceptable. I heard a lecture by a child-education specialist who said, “The only way that teachers know they’re assigning too much homework is when the most diligent kids can’t complete it. If you let your child stay up until 2 a.m. to finish, you’re not helping.” Same thing with a doctor.
Of course, tougher than making a switch from a bad doctor is having no choice about what doctor you see or having no doctor at all. It’s good to remember that.
* Have I mentioned lately how much I love Unclutterer?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.