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Every Wednesday is Tip Day or List Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tools to help you boost your happiness.
This is an exciting week for me! First, my book became available for pre-order
. For the first time, the book feels real.
Second, and even more thrilling, the Happiness Project Toolbox is finally ready for prime time. Yes, it’s ready! I’ve been working on this companion site for so long; it’s hard to believe it’s actually going out in the world at last.
What is the Happiness Project Toolbox? As I was working on my happiness project, I invented several methods that helped me to boost my happiness. My One-Sentence Journal, my Personal Commandments, my Secrets of Adulthood, and of course—most important of all—my Resolutions Chart.
I remember exactly where I was when I got the idea for the Toolbox. I was walking up Lexington Avenue, between 77th and 78th streets, when I thought, “Wow, it would be great to have a site where people could chart their resolutions.” About 10 steps later, I thought, “But a site like that should also allow people to keep their one-sentence journals, or post their happiness hacks.” Then it hit me. A Happiness Project Toolbox! I was so struck by the idea that I literally stopped in my tracks—I remember that the woman behind me ran into me and shot me a very annoyed look as she passed.
It was easy to have the idea; hard to turn it into reality. As with so many things in life, if I’d known how challenging it would be, I might not have attempted it. But now that it’s ready, I’m so happy I did it.
Novelty and challenge bring happiness; they also bring frustration and anxiety. In this case, despite periods of frustration and anxiety, I also had a tremendous amount of fun—in large part because of the brilliant, creative people at the Chopping Block, the web-design firm that built the site. They love the project, too—they wrote, “The Happiness Project Toolbox is easily among the best projects in our twelve-year history. We're excited about the potential for building of a large community audience.”
They had a lot of good ideas to add, and also helped me figure out if some of my ideas were possible. For example, I’ve always been mesmerized by PostSecret, and I’m fascinated whenever people post on my blog with their own Personal Commandments, etc. (for example, I think often of one commenter's Personal Commandment, "Choose the bigger life"), so one of my favorite Toolbox features is the ability to see other people's posts—unless they choose to keep entries private, of course. It’s superaddictive to read other people’s Personal Commandments, browse through their Inspiration Boards, learn from their Happiness Hacks … utterly absorbing. (Use the bar across the top to see other people’s entries.)
The Happiness Project Toolbox offers eight free Tools:
• Resolutions: record and track your resolutions.
• Group Resolutions: challenge several people to a group resolution.
• One-Sentence Journal: keep a journal on any subject you like (my online one-sentence journal is “What I’m reading today”).
• Personal Commandments: identify principles to guide your life.
• Secrets of Adulthood: record what you’ve learned so far.
• Happiness Hacks: share your hacks about clutter, exercise, mindfulness, etc.
• Lists Tool: keep any list: to-do, favorite things, things-to-do-before-I-die, etc.
• Inspiration Board: pull together your favorite books, quotations, images, and Web sites.
The amazing Super-Fans group got the first look at the Toolbox. Thanks again, Super-Fans, for your enthusiasm and your efforts! The Super-Fans were great about alerting me to problems. When I sent out the link, I thought the site was perfect, but of course, when hundreds of people tested it, they discovered a lot of bugs. Now it should be working very well indeed.
However, there still may be some issues to iron out. I’d really appreciate it if you let me know if you have a problem (or praise). It would be a huge help, though, if instead of e-mailing me directly, you post to this discussion on the Facebook Page. That way, the Web designers can see your comment and address it, without me needing to act as a go-between. It’s helpful to know what browser (and version) you use and whether you’re on PC or Mac.
I had a great time designing the Happiness Project Toolbox. Check it out! I hope it will help you reflect on your values, keep your resolutions, and pull together material that inspires you. And I hope it’s fun! Please pass the link on to anyone else who would enjoy it.
* If you'd like to work on your happiness project, but are more drawn to the idea of doing it with other people instead of using the Toolbox, sign up here for a starter kit for launching a group for people doing happiness projects. Groups have started from L.A. to Enid, Oklahoma, to Boston.
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During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. There’s something peculiarly compelling and instructive about hearing other people’s happiness stories.
Alex Fayle has a great blog, Someday Syndrome. There, he writes about the importance of not waiting until “someday” to pursue your dreams or make important changes but to put these ideas into action now.
He just released an e-book, Someday My Ship Will Come In, to help people make the transition from autopilot to conscious choices. It leads readers through a series of short lessons and exercises designed step-by-step to get people thinking and choosing.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Alex: Each day I choose to be happy. When I wake up in the morning, I think about my day and smile in anticipation. When I don't make this conscious choice, my day usually passes with low energy.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
When I was 18, I decided that it was too scary to follow my dreams, so I made a conscious choice not to pursue writing. I let fear put my dreams on hold for nearly 20 years, and I spent that entire time not feeling happy. Until I made the choice to follow my writing dreams, I never realized that I had the power to make myself happy. I always waited for it to come to me, saying, "Someday my ship will come in."
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
When I see all the work ahead of me and the all the details each task entails, I get paralyzed and depressed. However, when I focus on just the next step facing me, I'm intensely happy. I find the more I look to the future—the more I look for that Someday Ship—the less I act in the moment. Each day therefore I ask myself, What can I do right now to bring my dreams closer to fruition.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
I love this quote: “One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And, the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.“—Eleanor Roosevelt.
It leads me to my motto, which is: Life is a choice.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Happiness is difficult to find when we live on autopilot and live without making conscious choices. The more aware we are our of choices and the more we decide to be happy, the happier we are. We tell ourselves, "Someday my ship will come in" and so put off making choices, believing that somehow happiness will come to us without having to act.
I wrote my e-book, Someday My Ship Will Come In, to help get readers thinking and choosing about their choices.
* I had a great time meeting Aidan Donnelley Rowley for coffee the other day—we were set up by Danielle LaPorte of White Hot Truth fame—and we could've talked all afternoon. She was nice enough to mention me and the Happiness Project in a post If You're Happy and You Know It ... on her excellent new blog, Ivy League Insecurities.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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On Fridays, I usually propose a resolution for you to consider for your own happiness project, but I'm breaking the pattern to post for two weeks about "happiness myths." Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 4: You’ll Be Happier If You Insist on “The Best.”
Happiness Myth No. 5: A "treat" will cheer you up. Often, not!
It depends on what you choose. Treating yourself to a long walk in the park, say, is a good idea—but the things we choose as “treats” frequently aren’t good for us. When you’re feeling blue or overwhelmed, it’s tempting to try to pick yourself up by indulging in a guilty pleasure, but unfortunately, the pleasure lasts a minute, and then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the blues.
So when you find yourself thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few glasses of wine … some ice cream … just one cigarette … a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself—will it really make you feel better? Or is it likely to make you feel worse, in the long run?
For example, I realized that one of my personal “treats” is the decision not to pick up after myself. Instead of trying to tidy as I go, as I usually do, I let small tasks mount up. “I can’t possibly be expected to hang up my coat, or put the newspapers in the recycling bin, or unload the dishwasher,” I tell myself. “I’m too busy/too frazzled/too upset/too rushed. I deserve a break.”
The problem is that, in the end, the mess makes me feel worse. Maybe I enjoy a tiny buzz from flinging my coat onto the floor, but the disorder just makes my bad mood deepen. (Plus it’s not nice for anyone else, either.) On the other hand, serene, orderly surroundings make me feel better. Outer order contributes to inner calm.
Now, instead of “treating” myself to a mess, I make a special effort to keep things tidy when I’m feeling low. Same with my other guilty pleasures, like skipping going to the gym, eating fake food, not picking up phone messages … although skipping a little duty feels like a “treat” for a minute, actually, I cheer myself up more by doing the things I know I ought to do.
The warning signs: Whenever I tell myself things like, “I deserve this,” “I need this,” or “Today I shouldn’t have to stick to my usual resolutions,” that’s a signal that I’m trying to justify a pernicious “treat.”
How about you? Do you ever “treat” yourself to things that, in the end, just make you feel worse? Or have you found good treats that actually make you feel better?
* I love watching interviews of interesting people, and I was thrilled to discover Obsessed, a new, sophisticated site that features interviews with fascinating guests (e.g., Lisa Stone, Mark Bittman, Peter Greenberg) in conversation with host Samantha Ettus.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
Quiz: Are You a Moderator or an Abstainer?
Often, we know we’d have more long-term happiness if we gave up something that gives us a rush of satisfaction in the short-term: that morning doughnut, that impulse purchase, staying up too late watching TV.
A piece of advice I often see is “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat—it will help you stick to your plan.”
I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the moderators. They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation—and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an abstainer.
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating Tasti D-Lite, my favorite frozen “fake food” treat, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat Tasti D-Lite twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?," "Does this time ‘count'?,” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There’s no right or wrong way—it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
People can be surprisingly judgmental about the approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like “It’s not healthy to take such a severe approach” or “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer types saying to moderators, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?” So different approaches work for different people. (Exception: With an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
You’re a moderator if you
- find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure—and strengthens your resolve;
- get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something.
You’re an abstainer if you
- have trouble stopping something once you’ve started;
- aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits.
On the other hand, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we’re trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.
Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I’ve found that if I’m trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is “Post every day, or six days a week.” Weirdly, it’s easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don’t know how moderators feel about this. Moderators—what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day or four times a week, for you?
* Mike Vardy of the blog Effing the Dog was nice enough to do an interview with me. I don't think I kept up my end of the comedy, but it was fun to do.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.