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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
In my research on happiness, I keep running into the assertion that it takes 21 days to develop a new habit—but I’ve always had my doubts about the validity that number.
First, when it comes to developing a bad habit, two repetitions is probably enough. Order a doughnut with your coffee on Monday morning and Tuesday morning, and you’ll probably find it very hard to resist ordering a doughnut on Wednesday.
Second, at least for me, 21 days isn't nearly long enough to form a good habit. For my happiness project, I tried for many weeks to get in the habit of keeping a food journal, and I failed and gave up, and then tried again, and I never could get in the habit. Flossing is a challenge—though all the suggestions from these commenters has improved my flossing rate, I must say. Even writing in my one-sentence journal, which I enjoy doing, isn't really quite habitual yet.
Because I’ve always questioned that often-repeated statistic, I was very interested to read Oliver Burkeman’s article, "How Long Does It Really Take To Change a Habit?"
According to a recent study, a daily action like eating fruit at lunch or running for 15 minutes took an average of 66 days to become as much of a habit as it would ever become.
However, there was a lot of variation, both among people and among habits—some people are more habit-resistant than others, and some habits are harder to pick up than others.
I found this study reassuring. My difficulty in picking up certain habits wasn't unusual. Fact is, habits are hard to alter, and that’s why developing a good habit is really worth the struggle; once you’re used to making your bed each morning or going for an evening walk or flossing, you don’t have to exert much self-control to keep it up.
The study also showed that if you miss a day here or there when you’re trying to develop a habit, it doesn’t derail the process, so don’t get discouraged if you can’t keep a perfect track record. But the first days seem to make the biggest difference, so it’s worth trying to be particularly diligent at the beginning of the attempted-habit-acquisition process.
What do you think? What has been your experience in developing habits? How long has it taken, and what tricks have you found to help yourself acquire—or kick—a habit?
* I've always been fascinated by bees and ants (also slightly terrified of ants, having read The Once and Future King at an impressionable age) and was amazed by this video of fire ants forming a raft to float down a river.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day).
This Wednesday: Quiz—Are you an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?
I've posted this quiz before, but I can't resist putting it up again. This distinction encapsulates one of my very favorite (if not most weighty) personal insights into human nature: the difference between overbuyers and underbuyers. I also love the satisficer/maximizer distinction, but I didn't come up with that one myself.
It’s not particularly productive to be in too deep as an over- or under-buyer; both offer certain advantages but also some definite drawbacks.
Does one of these descriptions fit you?
You’re an overbuyer if …
—You buy several summer outfits for your as-yet-unborn baby, then it turns out he outgrows those clothes before the weather warms up.
—You often lay in huge supplies of slow-moving items like shampoo or cough medicine.
—You often make a purchase, such as a tool or tech gadget, with the thought, “This will probably come in handy.”
—You have a long list of stores to visit before you travel.
—You find yourself throwing things away—milk, medicine, even cans of soup—because they’ve hit their expiration date.
—You buy items with the thought, “This will make a great gift!” without having a recipient in mind.
—You think, “Buying these things shows that I’m responsible, organized, and thoughtful.”
You’re an underbuyer if…
—You buy saline solution, which you use every morning and night, one bottle at a time.
—You often scramble to buy an item like a winter coat or bathing suit after the point at which you need it—and often, these items are sold out by the time you show up at a store.
—You’re suspicious of specialized objects and resist buying things dedicated very specific uses: suit bags, special plastic plates and cutlery for children, hand cream, rain boots, hair conditioner.
—You often need to come up with a makeshift solution, such using soap because you’ve run out of shaving cream, because you don’t have what you need.
—You often consider buying an item, then decide, “I’ll get this some other time” or “Maybe we don’t really need this.”
—If you must buy something, you buy as little as possible—say, by putting $10 of gas in the car.
—You think, “Not buying these things shows that I’m frugal and not a consumerist sucker.”
Me? I’m an underbuyer.
Underbuyers feel stressed because we don’t have the things we need. We make a lot of late-night runs to the drugstore. (I constantly run out of saline solution.) We’re surrounded with things that are shabby, don’t really work, or aren’t exactly suitable.
Overbuyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought, or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number of errands they believe they need to do, and by the waste and clutter often created by their overbuying.
So underbuyers, buy what you need, without procrastination! Don’t wait for the first morning of your ski trip to buy ski gloves!
Overbuyers, think it over before you whip out your wallet! You don’t need a 10-year supply of toothpaste!
What do you think? Do you recognize yourself in either of these categories?
* A friend, Melanie Rehak, has started a terrific new blog, Eating for Beginners—"on food, farming, and raising a family." My favorite feature is the "Friday Food Writers," when Melanie quotes a wonderful food-related passage from literature. Delicious! Her book by the same name will be published next year, and I can't wait to get my hands on it—and I'm not even a foodie.
* Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or sign up here.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
Quiz: Are You a Moderator or an Abstainer?
Often, we know we’d have more long-term happiness if we gave up something that gives us a rush of satisfaction in the short-term: that morning doughnut, that impulse purchase, staying up too late watching TV.
A piece of advice I often see is “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat—it will help you stick to your plan.”
I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the moderators. They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation—and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an abstainer.
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating Tasti D-Lite, my favorite frozen “fake food” treat, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat Tasti D-Lite twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?," "Does this time ‘count'?,” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There’s no right or wrong way—it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
People can be surprisingly judgmental about the approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like “It’s not healthy to take such a severe approach” or “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer types saying to moderators, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?” So different approaches work for different people. (Exception: With an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
You’re a moderator if you
- find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure—and strengthens your resolve;
- get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something.
You’re an abstainer if you
- have trouble stopping something once you’ve started;
- aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits.
On the other hand, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we’re trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.
Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I’ve found that if I’m trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is “Post every day, or six days a week.” Weirdly, it’s easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don’t know how moderators feel about this. Moderators—what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day or four times a week, for you?
* Mike Vardy of the blog Effing the Dog was nice enough to do an interview with me. I don't think I kept up my end of the comedy, but it was fun to do.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.