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Two of my happiness-project resolutions are Take time for projects and Enjoy the seasons and this time of life. These are family-directed resolutions, meant to make sure that I put the time and effort into holidays, family projects, and fun outings.
I came up with these resolutions because the year before my happiness project, Halloween came and went without us carving a pumpkin, and I was utterly appalled at myself. To my mind, that’s Mommy malpractice, even though my daughters didn’t seem to mind much. (Lesson learned: We bought and carved a pumpkin yesterday.)
Because of these resolutions, I’m always looking for fun and also manageable ways to do family projects or celebrate family traditions. For example, I love holiday breakfasts—an idea I lifted from a friend.
I just got a new idea from an unexpected source. I’m a raving Chuck Palahniuk fan, but I don’t turn to his novels for inspiration on lovely ways to celebrate traditions with my children. No, there’s a lot you can get from Fight Club and Choke and Survivor, but sweet family traditions aren’t there.
On the suggestion of a thoughtful reader, however, I picked up a copy of Palahniuk’s nonfiction essays, Stranger Than Fiction, and I was captivated by an idea I read about in “The People Can.” Palahniuk describes the lives of the crew of the Naval submarine the Louisiana, and he explains the tradition of Halfway Night.
“Before departure, the family of each man on board gives Chief of Boat Ken Biller a shoe-box-sized package, and on the night that marks the halfway point in the patrol, called Halfway Night, Biller distributes the boxes. Smith’s wife sends photos and beef jerky and a toy motorcycle to remind him of his own bike on shore. Greg Stone gets a pillowcase printed with a photograph of his wife, Kelley.”
I’m enchanted by the idea of “Halfway Night.” It seems like a great idea to adapt to any arduous situation, to something truly awful like chemotherapy or just extremely tiresome, like studying for the bar exam.
I can’t think of something in my life right now that would lend itself to a Halfway Night, but I’m squirreling the idea away for the proper occasion.
Have you hit upon a tradition to ease a difficult situation? Have you tried something like Halfway Night?
* I spent a lot of time cruising around Parents Connect—"We're not perfect, we're parents."
* If you're interested in launching a group for people who meet to do their happiness projects together, sign up for the starter kit. More than 3,000 people have requested it. You might also like to check out the Facebook conversation for group leaders—that's a good resource if you're trying to get started.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips if you’re chronically late.
Feeling as though you’re always running 20 minutes behind schedule is an unhappy feeling. Having to rush, forgetting things in your haste, dealing with annoyed people when you arrive … it’s no fun.
If you find yourself chronically late, what steps can you take to be more prompt? That depends on why you’re late. As my Eighth Commandment holds, the first step is to Identify the problem—then you can see more easily what you need to change.
There are many reasons you might be late, but some are particularly common. Are you late because …
1.You sleep too late? If you’re so exhausted in the morning that you sleep until the last possible moment, it’s time to think about going to sleep earlier. Many people don’t get enough sleep, and sleep deprivation is a real drag on your happiness and health. Try to turn off the light sooner each night.
2.You try to get one last thing done? Apparently, this is a common cause of tardiness. If you always try to answer one more e-mail or put away one more load of laundry before you leave, here’s a way to outwit yourself: Take a task that you can do when you reach your destination and leave early. Tell yourself that you need that 10 minutes on the other end to read those brochures or check those figures.
3. You undestimate the commute time? You may tell yourself it takes 20 minutes to get to work, but if it actually takes 40 minutes, you’re going to be chronically late. Have you exactly identified the time by which you need to leave? That’s what worked for me for getting my kids to school on time. We have a precise time that we’re supposed to leave, so I know if we’re running late, and by how much. Before I identified that exact time, I had only a vague sense of how the morning was running, and I usually thought we had more time than we actually did. My daughter goes into near-hysterics if we're late, so that motivated me to get very clear on this issue.
4. You can’t find your keys/wallet/phone/sunglasses? Nothing is more annoying than searching for lost objects when you’re running late. Designate a place in your house for your vital items and put those things in that spot, every time. I keep everything important in my (extremely unfashionable) backpack, and fortunately a backpack is big enough that it’s always easy to find. My husband keeps his vital items in the chest of drawers opposite our front door.
5. Other people in your house are disorganized? Your wife can’t find her phone, your son can’t find his Spanish book, so you’re late. As hard as it is to get yourself organized, it’s even harder to help other people get organized. Try setting up the “vital things” place in your house. Prod your children to get their school stuff organized the night before—and coax the outfit-changing types to pick their outfits the night before, too. Get lunches ready. Etc.
6.You hate your destination so much you want to postpone showing up for as long as possible? If you dread going to work that much, or you hate school so deeply, or wherever your destination might be, you’re giving yourself a clear signal that you need think about making a change in your life.
7. Your co-workers won’t end meetings on time? This is an exasperating problem. You’re supposed to be someplace else, but you’re trapped in a meeting that’s going long. Sometimes this is inevitable, but if you find it happening over and over, identify the problem. Is too little time allotted to meetings that deserve more time? Is the weekly staff meeting 60 minutes of work crammed into 20 minutes? Does one person hold things up? If you face this issue repeatedly, there’s probably an identifiable problem—and once you identify it, you can develop strategies to solve it—e.g., sticking to an agenda; circulating information by e-mail; not permitting discussions about contentious philosophical questions not relevant to the tasks at hand, etc. (This last problem is surprisingly widespread, in my experience.)
Late or not, if you find yourself rushing around every morning, consider waking up earlier (see no. 1 above). Yes, it’s tough to give up those last precious moments of sleep, and it’s even tougher to go to bed earlier and cut into what, for many people, is their leisure time. But it helps.
I've started getting up at 6 a.m. so I have an hour to myself before I have to rustle everyone out of bed. This has made a huge improvement in our mornings. Because I’m organized and ready by 7 a.m., I can be focused on getting all of us out the door. (On a related note, here are more tips for keeping school mornings calm and cheery.)
What are some other strategies that work if you suffer from chronic lateness?
* A great blog, Get Rich Slowly, is about “personal finance that makes cents.” It covers a very broad range of topics related to finance, so there’s much there of interest to just about anyone.
* Introducing something new: Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! Now, not only is Wednesday the weekly Tip Day, it’s also the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested.
● Link to a post on Twitter.
● Pre-order the book for a friend.
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update.
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for what to carry when you travel with kids.
In general, I aim to travel light, but I’ve learned over the years that this generally isn't a good strategy as a parent. If anything teaches you the happiness value of preparation, it’s parenthood. The right supplies can mean the difference between misery and good cheer.
If you’re traveling with a baby, of course you need a whole different set of supplies. My children are out of that stage, and now I never go on a trip without at least most of these items:
1. A bag of almonds. These are for me as much as for my children.
2. A bottle of water. (Usually I’m violently opposed to bottled water, but I now concede that it’s good to have a bottle when you travel.)
3. Novelty candy. By this, I mean a candy that’s odd (e.g., Pop Rocks, candy spray) or takes a long time to eat (candy necklace) or fun in some way (Pez). I save this to whip out if my kids get crabby. Chocolate or anything that can melt is a risky choice.
4. Coloring book and markers, but remember to check that the markers aren’t all dried out. Just learned this the hard way. (Spend out! Don’t put a dud marker back in the box. A metaphor for life.)
5. Books.
6. Wipes. Not just for babies anymore.
7. Camera. Remember to charge it. Learned that the hard way, too.
8. We finally caved and bought a portable DVD player. This is a great invention. I actually finished Ken Follett’s The Pillars of the Earth on the plane while my daughters were transfixed by My Neighbor Totoro.
Irrelevant note to entrepreneurs out there: I think the scratch-and-sniff market has been sorely overlooked. Growing up, my sister had a collection of scratch-and-sniff stickers, and we still have fun going through her big pile. The Sweet Smell of Christmas is one of our favorite picture books. Happiness is a great scratch-and-sniff!
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“With what pleasure do we look upon a family, through the whole of which reign mutual love and esteem, where the parents and children are companions for one another, without any other difference than what is made by respectful affection on the one side, and kind indulgence on the other; where freedom and fondness, mutual raillery and mutual kindness, shew that no opposition of interest divides the brothers, nor any rivalship of favours sets the sisters at variance, and where everything presents us with the idea of peace, cheerfulness, harmony, and contentment?”—Adam Smith
* I just came across the blog Rock Your Day and am looking forward to cruising around it. "Stop settling for less, start changing your life"—sounds like my kind of thing.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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My happiness-project resolutions include "Cultivate rituals and traditions," "Spread family cheer," "Take time for projects," and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." This cluster of resolutions runs together—meaning that doing a single action means I can give myself a gold star in several boxes. (And, yes, I love those gold stars.)
Last year, I decided to start doing holiday breakfasts, so these days I decorate the breakfast table for each holiday. This is easy, fun, and festive. I also decided to start playing April Fools' pranks.
Yesterday morning, I combined the two. Before I went to bed the night before, I dyed the milk bright green—in an opaque container. In the morning, when my two daughters were at the table, I got a big gasp when I poured the milk into their bowls of Special K cereal. Much excitement. Then the green milk dyed their teeth and tongues green, another source of hilarity.
The happiness payoff was huge. Both girls got a big kick out of it; they were very excited to tell my husband about it when he came into the kitchen; they were very excited to tell their friends that I had played a real joke on them. The morning felt special and fun.
I took a picture, so we can remember this morning for a long time.
This April Fools' joke took me about 10 seconds to pull off, but I had to decide to do it. Sometimes, even doing the smallest extra thing seems impossible, but it’s worth the effort. I constantly have to remind myself of the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. I’m always happy when I take the time to observe a tradition, do a family project, spread a little cheer, take a photo.
Last year, I froze my daughters' bowls of cereal—this year, food dye. Now I am officially out of kid-appropriate pranks. Any ideas? Please post!
* If you're interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my superfabulous new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line. To those of you who sign up—thanks so much!
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Three of my favorite happiness-project resolutions are: Take time for projects, be a treasure house of happy memories, and “appreciate the seasons and this time of life.”
A great way to combine all three of these resolutions is to observe family traditions, and as one new tradition (oxymoron?), I’ve started planning holiday breakfasts. I copied this idea from a friend after I saw how she’d set the table for her Valentine’s Day breakfast last year, and I’ve been doing it for holidays ever since.
For birthdays, I have a special cupcake plate, a special candle, and a big banner. For Halloween, I have special plates, special pumpkin candles, and those window-gel decorations that stick on windows and mirrors, and I dyed the peanut butter black. (My daughters eat peanut butter on toast for breakfast.) Etc.
This weekend marked my first Valentine’s breakfast. I put out special placemats and heart-shaped plates, cut the toast into heart shapes and dyed the peanut-butter red, put heart decorations on the window, scattered a few Sweethearts candies around the table, and gave each girl a pack of Valentine’s Day-themed stickers.
Now, like most traditions, this was a bit of a pain. I had to make sure I had some decorations. (Next year, I’ll just reuse what I bought this year.) I had to wait until the girls went to sleep to set the table—at a time when I felt like collapsing myself. I had to premix the peanut butter the night before.
But the preparations weren’t very onerous, and it was a lot of fun the next morning. One of the nice things about kids is that it doesn’t take much for them to feel like something is “special,” so even a simple tradition is very gratifying.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d try to find some other way to celebrate the holidays. These kinds of traditions mark the passage of time in a pleasant way and add a note of festivity to everyday life.
Also, the major holidays can become a lot of work. It’s nice to celebrate in a very manageable way.
* On the subject of Sweethearts candy, Reader’s Digest compiled a list of the last 10 years' worth of sayings. Who knew they ever changed?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for getting a little kid to take no for an answer.
My 3-year-old hates being told “No” and “Don’t,” and she’s also one of those kids who immediately does exactly what you ask her not to do, so I’ve had to develop some strategies to get the “no” message across without unleashing the very behavior I want to stop. These kinds of minor but extremely aggravating struggles can be a major happiness challenge.
I realized that although she doesn’t want to hear “no,” my daughter responds very well to certain kinds of explanations. While “It’s not healthy,” “We don’t have time,” and “I don’t want to buy that” don’t work very well, other justifications are more effective. Once I've said no, I try to turn her attention to something more interesting. Here are some of the most helpful strategies:
1. “It’s for safety.” For some reason, my daughter wisely accepts safety as an absolute directive, so I invoke it whenever possible. For example, I characterized the “no slamming doors” rule as a safety rule, not a noise/behavior rule. “When people slam doors, eventually, people get their fingers smashed. So for safety, no slamming doors.”
2. “That’s just for decoration.” We can walk into a store crammed with treats or gimcracks, and when she asks if she can get something, I just say sadly, “They’re just for decoration; they’re not for sale.” She never questions this!
3. “The doctor says …” Invoking the authority of a doctor, dentist, teacher, or grandparent often makes a message acceptable. “The Yellow Room teachers say children must wear mittens to schools, not gloves.” “I know you don’t feel like brushing your teeth, but Dr. Smith says it’s very important to brush every night.” I’m not above pretending to send an e-mail to get a particular answer.
4. “I know you know.” My daughter hates being told “Don’t,” and she loves to show that she’s a big girl. So I often say things like, “I know you know this, but other children don’t know that you shouldn’t tap on the glass of a fish tank. They don’t know that the noise bothers the fish. Fortunately for the fish, you already know that.”
5. “The sign says …” Like most children who can’t yet read, my daughter is extremely impressed by the power of the written word. She will obey any sign. And because she can’t read, a sign can say anything that I want it to say.
Looking at the list, I’m struck by how devious and manipulative I sound. Oh well. I’m using my powers for good.
Have you found any good strategies for getting a little kid to take no for an answer?
*I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.