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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of the most surprising, and useful, things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel.
Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself.
I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it’s uncannily effective.
Lately, I’ve been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me – maybe it’s due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot).
As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that’s contributing to my feelings of sadness.
It sounds far-fetched – that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation – but I have indeed caught myself wondering, “Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?” My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response.
Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry, frowning faces.
Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I’m feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt -- when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.
It really works. When I can make myself do it.
How about you? Have you ever experienced a situation where a change in your actions has changed your emotions?
* Last weekend was the New York City marathon, which is a very big deal for everyone living in New York City. It creates a very festive feeling, even when you’re not running, or watching the race, or even following it on TV. It’s a very happy event. I loved watching this time-lapse video on Gimundo of a single city block during the race.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips for having a good bad day.
A few days ago, I was extremely upset. It’s too complicated to explain the whole situation, but an encounter left me feeling anxious, agitated, under attack, and sad. I did what I could to resolve the situation, but I still felt terrible.
When I have a day like this, I try to make it a Good Bad Day. I take the steps that tend to make me feel better or, if they don’t make me feel better, at least give me the kind of day on which I can look back with satisfaction.
To have a Good Bad Day, I made sure to:
1. Exercise. For me, exercise is a key element to managing my moods. It calms me and energizes me at the same time. Its rituals are comforting. It’s productive but not intellectually or socially demanding. Also, exercise is so obviously a key to good health that if I manage to exercise, I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile in my day, no matter what else happens.
2. Do something nice for someone else. The first part of the Second Splendid Truth is “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy” (also known as the “Do good, feel good” provision). I sent out some emails that I knew would be useful for other people. Doesn’t sound like much, but it took a lot out of me.
3. Stop ruminating. My inclination was to go over and over the details of the upsetting episode and to conduct imaginary arguments. Instead, I tried to keep my resolution to Find an area of refuge. Studies show that dwelling on negative thoughts amplifies their power in your mind. In fact, some researchers suggest that a reason that more women get depression than men is that women are more likely to “overthink,” while men are better at distracting themselves from negative thoughts.
4. Connect with someone important to me. I called my sister.
5. Tackle a nagging task. Crossing things off a to-do list is energizing and cheering. I took the time to clear my desk – not just physically removing piles of papers, but also doing the tasks that the papers represented. Copying research notes from various sources, making a dentist’s appointment, and making progress on my blog re-design gave me a feeling of control and accomplishment.
6. Do something silly and lighthearted with my children. I videotaped my four-year-old as she danced and sang in her mermaid costume with her new mermaid doll, and we had a family bubble-blowing extravaganza. And throughout all these steps, I tried to…
7. Act the way I want to feel. Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. I get worked up very easily, but I tried to act cheerful instead of allowing myself to get agitated, wring my hands, etc. My mother often reminds me, “Stay calm,” and I need that advice frequently.
8. Ask for help. I said to my husband, "I really need to talk to you. I'm really upset, I want to tell you what happened today and talk to you about it, okay?" Being a sympathetic listener isn't my husband's strongest point, and truth be told, he wasn't very comforting -- but I think that by explaining that I needed him to try to do his best to help, I did help him do the best he could.
But nothing really worked. I still felt lousy. So I made sure to…
8. Go to sleep early. It’s true, everything does look better in the morning. Also, the longer I work on my happiness project, the more importance I give to sleep. Getting enough sleep just makes a tremendous difference to happiness.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt better. The situation still upsets me, but not as much as it did. When I have a bad day, it helps to have a good bad day.
Have you found any strategies for making a bad day better? What works for you?
* This post from Pamela Slim on Escape From Cubicle Nation really got me thinking: "Scrappy content can juice up your brand". Once again, I'm reminded of the wisdom of Voltaire's admonishment, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Plus I loved spotting the brilliant Communicatrix there, too.
* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. It's fun, it's addictive, it's free, and it will boost your happiness.