The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Interview With an (Imaginary) Hostile Reader

I got a big kick out of an anecdote recounted in Tara Parker-Pope’s recent New York Times story about getting along with your relatives over the holidays. Two cousins were facing separate difficult family dinners, and in anticipation, they organized a game:

Each made bingo cards, but instead of numbers, the squares were filled in with some of the negative phrases they expected to hear during the meal, like “That outfit is interesting” or “Your children won’t sit still.” As comments were made at the separate family celebrations, each woman would mark her card. “Whoever fills up a bingo row first,” Betsy said, “sneaks off to call the other and say, ‘Bingo!’ ”

What a great idea! By making a joke of it (one of my own happiness-project resolutions), these women reframed a challenging situation. The person with the most annoying relatives wins! The cousins could laugh at behavior that would ordinarily have driven them crazy.

When you realize that something is likely to make you unhappy, you can take steps to change your reaction—even if you can’t change the situation.

I did something similar myself. I’m extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, and I dread hearing criticism of my book when it comes out in a few weeks (of course, being ignored would be worse … right?). Also, I think I can predict what some typical negative comments would be. But what could I do about that?

I decided to answer these imaginary critics myself. I wrote something called Interview With a Hostile Reader, in which I play both the part of the hostile reader who criticizes my book, and the part of myself, answering.

This exercise was hugely fun for me. I loved coming up with all the obvious hostile comments, and it was relief to get the chance to address them in a thoughtful, calm way. And it tickled me to think that if people do make these criticisms, if I do get a bad book review, I’ll be able to show a lack of originality—after all, I predicted and answered these criticisms, ahead of time! After all, it’s not that I didn’t foresee these criticisms of my book, but that I made these mindful, writerly choices nonetheless. For example, you can say it’s a cliché to write a “year of” book, but the fact is, it’s a very satisfying way to write and read a book. That’s why it’s a cliché! Zoikes, Thoreau did it!

Of course, I also remind myself to feel grateful, to enjoy the process, and all my other relevant happiness-project resolutions—but this particular exercise was particularly amusing, for some reason. It boosts my happiness right now and, I hope, in a possibly challenging future situation.

Now, I hesitated to post the link to the Interview With a Hostile Reader here, because if you read it, you’ll see the criticisms that a hostile reader or negative book reviewer might make. And maybe that will discourage you from wanting to read the book—which of course, I hope you’ll want to do. But oh well! I remember my First Commandment: Be Gretchen.

Have you found a way to make a joke of a difficult circumstance, or some other way to change your reaction to it? What worked for you?

 * I always find a lot of interesting posts to read over at LifeDev, "helping creative people create."

In Which I Get Teary Reading My Own Book

This week, I finished the audiobook for The Happiness Project. As I’d expected, it made me very happy to learn to do something new and to get a glimpse into the unfamiliar world of sound recording.

It was also thrilling to learn that none other than Jim Dale had sat in the very same seat that I was using, when he was recording Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It took him three weeks! And they had top, top security.

What surprised me most about the recording process was how emotional I became while reading certain parts of the book. I literally choked up and had to take a drink of water and a deep breath before I could continue (quite embarrassing).

At first, it surprised me that I could go so worked up about something I myself wrote, but then I realized why this made sense. It's not that the book is sad, but rather that it touches to my heart so closely.

For example, as I was reading the very first page, I got a catch in my voice when I read the concluding paragraphs in the “Note to the Reader”:

I would never have supposed that a witty lexicographer with Tourette syndrome, a twenty-something tubercular saint, a hypocritical Russian novelist, and one of the Founding Fathers would be my most helpful guides—but so it happened.
I hope that reading the account of my happiness project will encourage you to start your own. Whenever you read this, and wherever you are, you are in the right place to begin.

Also, I got teary when I read this part:

I said to him, “Someday, we’ll look back, and it will be hard to remember that we ever had such little kids. We’ll say, ‘Remember when Eleanor still used her purple sippy cup, or when Eliza wore ruby slippers all the time?’”
He squeezed my hand. “We’ll say, ‘That was such a happy time.’”
The days are long, but the years are short.

I really lost it when I read the book's final paragraph:

The year is over, and I really am happier. After all my research, I found out what I knew all along: I could change my life without changing my life. When I made the effort to reach out for them, I found that the ruby slippers had been on my feet all along; the blue bird was singing outside my kitchen window.

These passages may not be moving, taken out of context, but in the book they are -- well, at least to me! That’s one of the many ways that the book and blog differ – it’s harder to tell an affecting story on a blog. The format is just different. Also, on the blog I need to keep discussion very short, but in the book, I can expand stories and analysis. (I think I did manage to convey emotion in the little video, The Years Are Short, but that has music, photos, the works.)

* I always find a lot of interesting material to read when I visit Daniel Pink. I cannot WAIT to read his new book, Drive: the Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. Just my kind of thing.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

A Constructive Way To Deal With Anger

One of my personal major, constant happiness challenges is trying to deal constructively with feelings of anger and irritability. Yesterday morning, my father-in-law mentioned a strategy that he recommends: When a person does something that annoys him (or whatever the negative emotion might be), he recalls a situation in which he made the same mistake himself. That makes him less angry, more understanding.

This strategy doesn’t work well for everyone, however. Some people, my father-in-law observed, are able to do this effectively, but for others, the recognition that they’ve behaved similarly doesn’t translate into greater understanding or forgiveness. And a third category isn’t able to see any parallels at all—to these folks, they must have had a good reason to have acted the way they did, and the mistakes others make are inexcusable.

I tried to apply this strategy myself. Here’s a small thing, but a recurrent source of anger in my life: My husband’s failure to answer my e-mails dealing with logistics. “Can we have dinner with so-and-so on June 22?” “Do you leave for London on the 3rd or the 4th?” “Did you reschedule the orthodontist’s appointment?” These e-mails just don’t get answered. It drives me nuts.

I’ve tackled this problem in lots of ways. I’ve tried working on the logistical side, and I’ve tried working on my mental-attitude side. But I had never thought to try to put myself in my husband’s place and ask myself, “Do I fail to answer people’s logistical e-mails?” The answer to that question is a resounding yes. I often procrastinate on doing exactly this kind of work. I just can’t face the kind of systematic thinking, checking, and replying that it takes.

OK. I think I do understand better now. Does it makes me less angry? Actually, I think it does. It also reminds me that I should do a better job of answering other people's logistical e-mails.

* Penelope Trunk has a fascinating post about how to decide where to live. This is a complicated, difficult, and extremely important decision that has a lot of significance for your happiness.

* Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences.

Happiness Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Happiness Myth No. 8: You'll Be Happy As Soon As You ...

Happiness Myth No. 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better.

Wrong. Although it can be tempting to take a “personal day” when you’re feeling blue or to isolate yourself until you feel better, you’re better off doing just the opposite.

Connecting with other people, even if you don’t feel like it, is more likely to improve your mood—and that's true even for introverts. Any kind of engagement gives you a lift.

In fact, researchers reported that out of 15 daily activities, such as exercising, commuting, or doing housework, everything is more fun with company. They found only one activity during which people were happier alone rather than with other people—praying. To my mind, that’s no exception; the point of praying is that you’re not talking to yourself.

I’ve certainly found this to be true in my own life. I spend most of my days by myself, reading and writing, and I’ve noticed that I always get a big burst of energy and cheer when I have a chance to be with other people. Even if I leave my desk feeling enraged, annoyed, or insecure, I feel better after talking to someone else—not talking about what’s bothering me but just talking about anything at all. In fact, I usually feel better if I’m distracted from my concerns rather than try to discuss them.

So if you just went through a painful breakup and so are tempted to not meet your friends after work but instead stay home on the sofa with the remote control or if you just lost your job and so don’t want to deal with going to the the neighborhood barbecue, make the effort to push yourself out the door. Most likely, you’ll feel better if you do.

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Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting Anger Relieves It

For the first time since I started this blog three years ago, I'm skipping the Wednesday Tips in order to bring you this series on the happiness myths. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 2: Nothing Changes a Person's Happiness Level Much.

Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.

Wrong. Contrary to popular notion, aggressive "venting" doesn’t relieve bad feelings but fuels them. Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better.

Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. For example, studies show that even an artificially induced smile brings about happier emotions, and a recent experiment suggested that people who use Botox are less prone to anger because they can’t make angry faces. Philosopher and psychologist William James explained: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

Although this “fake it ‘till you feel it” strategy might seem fake or inauthentic, I’ve found it to be almost creepily effective. You really can change your emotions. It takes great presence of mind, and a lot of self-discipline, but whenever I can manage to act lighthearted or friendly or receptive to criticism or whatever is the opposite of my grouchy, gruff, defensive instinct in the moment, I really transform my mood.

Bottom line: If you’re feeling angry or sad, instead of expressing negative emotions in a dramatic way, try to act the way you wish you felt by finding a calm way to express your feelings—or take steps to distract yourself.

For a discussion of the catharsis hypothesis, check out “The Uses of Adversity” chapter in Jonathan Haidt’s terrific book, The Happiness Hypothesis.

* I always find a lot that interests me on Marginal Revolution.

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