The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

A Constructive Way To Deal With Anger

One of my personal major, constant happiness challenges is trying to deal constructively with feelings of anger and irritability. Yesterday morning, my father-in-law mentioned a strategy that he recommends: When a person does something that annoys him (or whatever the negative emotion might be), he recalls a situation in which he made the same mistake himself. That makes him less angry, more understanding.

This strategy doesn’t work well for everyone, however. Some people, my father-in-law observed, are able to do this effectively, but for others, the recognition that they’ve behaved similarly doesn’t translate into greater understanding or forgiveness. And a third category isn’t able to see any parallels at all—to these folks, they must have had a good reason to have acted the way they did, and the mistakes others make are inexcusable.

I tried to apply this strategy myself. Here’s a small thing, but a recurrent source of anger in my life: My husband’s failure to answer my e-mails dealing with logistics. “Can we have dinner with so-and-so on June 22?” “Do you leave for London on the 3rd or the 4th?” “Did you reschedule the orthodontist’s appointment?” These e-mails just don’t get answered. It drives me nuts.

I’ve tackled this problem in lots of ways. I’ve tried working on the logistical side, and I’ve tried working on my mental-attitude side. But I had never thought to try to put myself in my husband’s place and ask myself, “Do I fail to answer people’s logistical e-mails?” The answer to that question is a resounding yes. I often procrastinate on doing exactly this kind of work. I just can’t face the kind of systematic thinking, checking, and replying that it takes.

OK. I think I do understand better now. Does it makes me less angry? Actually, I think it does. It also reminds me that I should do a better job of answering other people's logistical e-mails.

* Penelope Trunk has a fascinating post about how to decide where to live. This is a complicated, difficult, and extremely important decision that has a lot of significance for your happiness.

* Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences.

Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting Anger Relieves It

For the first time since I started this blog three years ago, I'm skipping the Wednesday Tips in order to bring you this series on the happiness myths. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 2: Nothing Changes a Person's Happiness Level Much.

Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.

Wrong. Contrary to popular notion, aggressive "venting" doesn’t relieve bad feelings but fuels them. Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better.

Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. For example, studies show that even an artificially induced smile brings about happier emotions, and a recent experiment suggested that people who use Botox are less prone to anger because they can’t make angry faces. Philosopher and psychologist William James explained: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

Although this “fake it ‘till you feel it” strategy might seem fake or inauthentic, I’ve found it to be almost creepily effective. You really can change your emotions. It takes great presence of mind, and a lot of self-discipline, but whenever I can manage to act lighthearted or friendly or receptive to criticism or whatever is the opposite of my grouchy, gruff, defensive instinct in the moment, I really transform my mood.

Bottom line: If you’re feeling angry or sad, instead of expressing negative emotions in a dramatic way, try to act the way you wish you felt by finding a calm way to express your feelings—or take steps to distract yourself.

For a discussion of the catharsis hypothesis, check out “The Uses of Adversity” chapter in Jonathan Haidt’s terrific book, The Happiness Hypothesis.

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