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My mother-in-law has never before e-mailed me a link to YouTube—that's not at all her style—but when I watched this clip, I understood why she sent this one. She loves musicals, and this scene from the Central Station in Antwerp is a musical erupting in everyday life.
I’ll say no more; don’t want to be a spoiler—but this video made me very happy.
Or if you can't see the clip above, click here.
* My brilliant friend Marci Alboher writes about Working the New Economy, and she talked to me for a post she did about networking, Networking tips for the shy or introverted. Figuring out ways to do a better job of networking was a big part of my happiness project, and Marci was one of the people who taught me the most.
* Considering doing your own happiness project? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap ideas, strategies, and experiences.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for conquering anger and irritability.
Hah. It’s really quite preposterous for me to offer up a tips list on this subject. A tendency to fly off the handle is one of my most disagreeable and persistent traits and something I battle with—largely unsuccessfully—every day. For me, anger is the most tempting of the seven deadly sins. At best, you could describe me as "edgy."
This list shows the strategies I try to use to keep myself patient and mild-mannered, but I certainly can’t claim that they’ve been wholly successful. I still lose my temper far too often; however, I do think I’m doing a better job than I would be if I weren’t following these tips:
1. Pay attention to my body. Being too cold, too hot, and, especially, too hungry makes me far more irritable.
2. Don’t drink. I basically gave up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.
3. Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings (usually this arises with my husband or daughters). Instead of snapping back answers like “I don’t want to hear a lot of whining” or “It’s not that big a deal,” I try to show that I understand what someone is saying.
4. Be realistic. For instance, I often get irritated when someone interrupts me when I’m reading—but I should know better than to try to read the newspaper during my daughters’ Saturday morning breakfast. Of course I’m going to get interrupted.
5. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. I often feel irritated when someone (usually my husband) doesn’t notice and praise some effort on my part. For example, when I went out of town last week, I got my older daughter completely organized for a field trip before I left. I snapped at my husband because he didn’t appreciate this Herculean accomplishment on my part.
6. Squelch my reaction. Not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate. I have trouble with this in person but often manage to do it if it involves e-mail; the deliberate effort of writing an irritated e-mail often gives me the opportunity to decide not to send it. I find it tougher to bite back an angry retort—but I’m working on it. When I can manage, acting the way I want to feel always helps me to change my feelings.
7. Make a joke. OK, some of these strategies are more fantasy than reality, but on the rare occasion when I do manage to make a joke during a moment of irritation, it works beautifully to lighten the mood.
8. Try not to be defensive. Many of my most harsh reactions are triggered by some kind of accusation—that I did something wrong, that I did something rude, that I screwed up in some way. If I can admit to fault or let it go, I can lighten my anger. My anger is tied to my pride, and pride is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
In my case, as this list shows, anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do. Surprise! That’s not how the world works.
What strategies have I missed? What helps you defuse anger and irritability? I need more help!
* My friend and blogging mentor Jonathan Fields has two excellent blogs: Awake at the Wheel, which has a lot of great material of general interest, and Career Renegade, which is more focused on work and career. Jonathan's book, Career Renegade: How To Make a Great Living Doing What You Love
, has gotten a lot of buzz.
* Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences. Also, people who want to start happiness-project groups have started to post their cities, so if you're interested in joining or starting a group, look there.
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One thing that has made me happy over the past year has been the chance to write a blog for RealSimple.com’s Simply Stated. It has been a lot of fun, given me a way to connect with a different set of readers, and introduced me to a lot of great people.
One person I met is Kristin van Ogtrop, the editor of Real Simple. Along with her demanding magazine work, she has a hilarious blog herself called Adventures in Chaos. Her most recent post, about “whether it’s ever possible to be cool in the eyes of your children,” actually had me laughing out loud while it also got me thinking about a lot of deep issues about parenthood.
Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Kristin: That it will always go away—but then it always come back again. I also think that, for the most part, happiness is much more about nature than nurture. That is a completely reductive way to look at things and obviously does not take into account any extreme life circumstances, but I do think it’s true. There are happy people and unhappy people and not a lot you can do (or they can do) to change that. You may disagree!
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Obsessing over stupid, control-freak things like whether my husband and children take their muddy shoes off at the door.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
I have a few comfort activities: go for a jog; drink a cup of Starbucks coffee; have a glass of wine; get into bed and read a book; brush my teeth and get into bed with one of my children at the end of an exhausting day.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I actually think one big happiness killer for people is spending too much time thinking about how others view them: Did what I just say sound stupid? Do I look fat in these pants? Does my next-door neighbor think I’m a bad mother? That’s one.
I also think people spend too much time thinking about missed opportunities, which in my opinion is not particularly constructive and leads you down a regret spiral. Most of the time I’m just focused on the future, where the possibilities are endless, and that’s how I stay happy. The carrot-on-the-stick way of going through life really works for me.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why?
I can think of two periods of my life when I was most unhappy: First, when I was a teenager and in love with a boy named Fred who went to another school and didn’t particularly love me. I would spend hours in my bedroom listening to Janis Ian records and wondering if life would ever get better. The remedy: I went off to college and forgot about Fred. The second time was when I was working in my first magazine job; it was after I’d been to graduate school, and I was older than all of the other assistants, plus married, and had a useless graduate degree. I just looked around me and wondered when, if ever, I was going to be able to stop answering someone else’s phone. Not to mention the fact that all of my friends who had graduated from law school and business school were buying houses and getting pregnant. That period ended when I got promoted and thought, A-ha, my life will not always be this way. So I think both of those periods of unhappiness were about waiting for my life to “start” in a certain way.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Not really. Although I do know that if it’s after 9 p.m., I am most likely unhappy (not my finest hour; I am definitely not a night person), and if I just get in bed everything will be instantly better.
* If you've never taken a look at PostSecret, check it out. Mesmerizing. Some of the entries are explicit, however, so be warned.
* The starter kit is ready! If you asked for a starter kit, because you're interested in starting a group for people doing happiness projects, you should have received it from me. (In fact, 17 people may have gotten it twice—sorry about that, long story.) If you didn't sign up, but would like to, click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—to thwart spammers.) Just write "starter kit" in the subject line.
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Years ago, when I was a lawyer, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor—which was one of those rare, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime work experiences. There are many reasons that I don’t regret law school and my years as a lawyer before becoming a writer, and the chance to work for Justice O’Connor is one of them.
The other day, I was on the phone with O'Connor. We were talking about her terrific new site, Our Courts, which teaches children about civics, and she’d also visited my Web site.
“I can tell you what I believe is the secret to a happy life,” she said.
“What’s that, Justice?” I asked. (Side note: When you speak directly to a Justice, you address him or her as “Justice”—e.g., “Justice, the cert petitions are here.” This, I always thought, must act as a frequent reminder to them about the value they are supposed to embody!) “What’s your secret?”
“Work worth doing,” she answered firmly.
“What about relationships?” I asked. From what I can tell, looking at modern science and ancient philosophy, if you had to pick a single factor as the one most likely to lead to a happy life, having strong relationships would be a strong candidate. Of course, most people form a lot of strong relationships at work.
“No,” she said in her brisk way. “Work worth doing—that’s all you really need.”
“Can I quote you?” I asked.
“Yes, yes,” she said.
Work worth doing. What do you think? Is that the one thing you need for a happy life?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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"There can be no joy in living without joy in work."—St. Thomas Aquinas
* One of my favorite sites is Leo Babauta's Zen Habits. I find something valuable every time I visit. Leo also has a terrific site aimed at writers, Write to Done—great stuff if you're doing any writing.
* If you've signed up to get the happiness-project-group starter kit—which is for people who want to start a group for people doing happiness projects—it should go out today or tomorrow. At last! Keep me posted about how it goes; I can't wait to hear about everyone's experiences with these groups, and I want to do anything I can to help.
If you'd like to get a starter kit yourself, e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A while back, my husband and I noticed a characteristic we shared—neither of us did a particularly good job of staying connected with our past. It was true of us as a couple, too, once we got married. In each stage of life, we’d have good friends, but when we moved to the next stage, we found it difficult to stay connected to the people to whom we’d earlier been close. I’m not sure I would have remarked on this fact if I hadn’t seen the contrast to my younger sister—she does an outstanding job of staying close to friends from every stage of her life.
Philosophers and scientists agree: If there is one element that is the key to happiness, it’s having strong relationships with other people. Many of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at helping me build or strengthen friendships: Show up, Make three friends, Join or start a group. (Here are some other tips for making new friends.)
Also, remembering happy times in the past is a great way to boost happiness in the present.
My resolution to “stay connected to my past” is meant to address both these sources of happiness. As a consequence of this resolution, I sign up for high-school, college, and law-school reunions without hesitation. I don’t begrudge the time I spend on Facebook. I make a big effort to keep my friends’ contact information up to date. I keep a one-sentence journal. I look for reasons to visit my old neighborhoods.
I went to Washington, D.C., this week to give a talk to the Yale Law School Association about “Blogging the Pursuit of Happiness.” (Trying to be strategic, I asked to come in January after my book comes out, but they don't do book talks.) This trip made me happy for many reasons. I saw some of my blogland pals from that area. I visited the Slate offices and imbibed the heady Slate-y atmosphere. I cruised around Washington, which is a beautiful city, especially when everything is blooming.
But one of the things that made me happiest was the opportunity to “Connect with my past.” I loved being around a bunch of people from my law school. It was funny – I hadn’t realized just how much alums have in common, how many references, interests, and inside jokes we shared. Also, a bunch of friends from law school showed up, so that was especially fun.
Sometimes it makes me sad that I’ve left behind my lawyerly identity – there were many things I enjoyed about that time. Staying connected to that part of my past makes me happier – and so does staying connected to other parts of my past.
Of course, this resolution applies to aspects of your past that actually were happy. You might well choose deliberately to disengage with unhappy parts of your past.
Have you found any good strategies to stay connected to your (happy) past? Do you think staying connected to your past makes you happier?
* Josh Landis and Mitch Butler over at cbsnews.com did a provocative video piece on happiness myths. It’s about happiness, and there's a lot of interesting information in it -- and it also gave me flashbacks to my book Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide
.
* Another thing that made me very HAPPY about my talk in Washington was that I met my very first super-fan in person! I see that people have signed up, of course, and that's thrilling, but I was astounded actually to meet a super-fan face-to-face. It was great to meet you, Natalie!
Note to Super-Fans: hang in there -- the new website is practically ready for you to see! (I think.)
Want to volunteer as a super-fan -- to help with the pre-launch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related website, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day).
This Wednesday: Quiz—Are you an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?
I've posted this quiz before, but I can't resist putting it up again. This distinction encapsulates one of my very favorite (if not most weighty) personal insights into human nature: the difference between overbuyers and underbuyers. I also love the satisficer/maximizer distinction, but I didn't come up with that one myself.
It’s not particularly productive to be in too deep as an over- or under-buyer; both offer certain advantages but also some definite drawbacks.
Does one of these descriptions fit you?
You’re an overbuyer if …
—You buy several summer outfits for your as-yet-unborn baby, then it turns out he outgrows those clothes before the weather warms up.
—You often lay in huge supplies of slow-moving items like shampoo or cough medicine.
—You often make a purchase, such as a tool or tech gadget, with the thought, “This will probably come in handy.”
—You have a long list of stores to visit before you travel.
—You find yourself throwing things away—milk, medicine, even cans of soup—because they’ve hit their expiration date.
—You buy items with the thought, “This will make a great gift!” without having a recipient in mind.
—You think, “Buying these things shows that I’m responsible, organized, and thoughtful.”
You’re an underbuyer if…
—You buy saline solution, which you use every morning and night, one bottle at a time.
—You often scramble to buy an item like a winter coat or bathing suit after the point at which you need it—and often, these items are sold out by the time you show up at a store.
—You’re suspicious of specialized objects and resist buying things dedicated very specific uses: suit bags, special plastic plates and cutlery for children, hand cream, rain boots, hair conditioner.
—You often need to come up with a makeshift solution, such using soap because you’ve run out of shaving cream, because you don’t have what you need.
—You often consider buying an item, then decide, “I’ll get this some other time” or “Maybe we don’t really need this.”
—If you must buy something, you buy as little as possible—say, by putting $10 of gas in the car.
—You think, “Not buying these things shows that I’m frugal and not a consumerist sucker.”
Me? I’m an underbuyer.
Underbuyers feel stressed because we don’t have the things we need. We make a lot of late-night runs to the drugstore. (I constantly run out of saline solution.) We’re surrounded with things that are shabby, don’t really work, or aren’t exactly suitable.
Overbuyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought, or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number of errands they believe they need to do, and by the waste and clutter often created by their overbuying.
So underbuyers, buy what you need, without procrastination! Don’t wait for the first morning of your ski trip to buy ski gloves!
Overbuyers, think it over before you whip out your wallet! You don’t need a 10-year supply of toothpaste!
What do you think? Do you recognize yourself in either of these categories?
* A friend, Melanie Rehak, has started a terrific new blog, Eating for Beginners—"on food, farming, and raising a family." My favorite feature is the "Friday Food Writers," when Melanie quotes a wonderful food-related passage from literature. Delicious! Her book by the same name will be published next year, and I can't wait to get my hands on it—and I'm not even a foodie.
* Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or sign up here.
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By far the best part of the SXSW conference was meeting other bloggers whom I’ve read but never seen face-to-face—such as Pamela Slim, who has a terrific blog, Escape From Cubicle Nation (one of the top career blogs), and whose book, Escape From Cubicle Nation,
is just about to hit the shelves.
I was lucky enough to get a copy of her book early, and the thing I most love about it is that it's very specific. It is packed with useful information and suggestions for actions you could take right now to work on your career. I don't need to escape from a cubicle, and nevertheless I found it hugely helpful.
Because of the strong relationship between happiness and work, Pam has done a lot of thinking about happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Pam: I love to read books in the bathtub. If I am tired or grumpy or stressed, climbing into a hot bath with a good book is an instant mood shifter. The type of book is important if I am feeling really low. It needs to be exceptionally well-written, creative and uplifting. Favorite bathside reads are The War of Art
by Steven Pressfield and If You Want To Write
by Brenda Ueland.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I am stronger than I thought I was at 18. And I don't have to change myself to please anyone. That was a lesson that took about 10 painful years to learn. But once I did, I got really clear that the only way to be truly happy was to be very clear with my boundaries.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I sometimes let stressful thoughts swirl around in my head for too long, which causes anxiety and makes me feel grumpy. When I notice that I am making myself unhappy, I step back, examine the thought (like "Things are never going to change" or "This situation is hopeless") and turn it around to something more true and useful (like "Things are always changing, and for the better" or "No situation is hopeless—there is always a way out.") When I change the thought, the feeling changes, and my mood lifts.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
I adore the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation and use it all the time if I am feeling stressed:
May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be free from suffering.
May you be safe.
I also love a particular part of a Navajo prayer, which I learned from my husband:
With beauty before me, may I walk.
With beauty behind me, may I walk.
With beauty above me, may I walk.
With beauty below me, may I walk.
With beauty all around me, may I walk.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I think that many people, including myself sometimes, look for happiness in the future. They think they will be happy once they have a certain level of financial success or their blog traffic doubles or they get lots of clients or they find a man (or woman) and get married. In reality, wherever you go, there you are. So by finding joy in the present, in its beautiful imperfection, any future goal that you accomplish will just be a cherry on top.
* The fabulous Sister Project is an enthralling collection of material having to do with sisters and sisterhood, very broadly imagined. Fascinating.
* Want to volunteer as a superfan—to help with the prelaunch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related Web site, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot] com. Just write “superfan” in the subject line.
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I was at dinner on Saturday night, and three people—very different from one another—told me that the minute I got home, I had to watch the clip showing contestant Susan Boyle’s appearance on Britain's Got Talent (the British version of American Idol).
“I got tears in my eyes.” “I watched it five times.” “I e-mailed all my friends to tell them to watch.”
I know, I’m a little late posting about this—a thoughtful reader had e-mailed me the link, and I’d seen the clip mentioned many times on Twitter and elsewhere, but I hadn’t yet bothered to take a look myself.
I think it’s more fun to be surprised, so I’m not going to describe what happens—other than to say that it has made a lot of people happy. According to Visible Measures, Boyle’s performance has been viewed more than 47 million times.
I can’t embed the clip, but you can watch it here.
As I watched, I had a nagging thought: that this ugly-duckling-to-swan transformation had been orchestrated by the makers of the show. Then I thought—well, I don't really care. If people love it, and are exhilarated by it, then accept the happiness.
* Great material at Work Happy Now.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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"Surely every one realizes, at some point along the way, that he is capable of living a far better life than the one he has chosen."—Henry Miller, Big Sur and the Oranges of Hieronymus Bosch
* Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual e-mail format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
In my studies of happiness, I’m always asking myself, “Is this bit of happiness wisdom a universal truth, or is this just true for some people?”
I haven’t identified many universal truths, but one of them is “Know thyself.” You can’t build a happy life if you don’t recognize and acknowledge the things that make you happy. That's why the first of my 12 Commandments is "Be Gretchen."
This doesn’t sound too hard, does it? Yet I’m continually astonished how difficult it is to do. One reason that it’s challenging is that we’re so judgmental. We judge others, and we judge ourselves.
I was thinking about this last night. At dinner, I was seated next to a very friendly, intelligent woman. In the course of the conversation, she told me two things about herself:
1. She is a nonmaterialistic person who isn’t interested in “stuff.”
2. She loves beautifully made clothes (result: She loves buying clothes).
I couldn’t read her mind, of course, but I think I detected some uneasiness as she talked about these two ideas. She didn’t value stuff, and she didn’t want to be the kind of person who valued stuff, yet she had this other passion that conflicted with that conception. Can you be non-materialistic yet crave Prada? (I have another friend with a similar issue -- his passion is tech equipment.)
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is you can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do. This woman has three options as she lives her life:
First, she could live up to her non-materialistic ideals and squelch her love of clothes. This seems sad to me. Most of us don’t have so many passions that we can drop one without losing an important source of happiness.
Second, she could stop talking about her non-materialistic ideals, because they made her feel hypocritical, and throw herself into clothes-buying and clothes-wearing. That might be fun, day to day, but in her heart she’d probably feel that she was living a life out of synch with her values.
Third, she could strive to accept herself: her non-materialistic values are real, and her love for clothes is real.
To me, the third option is like the best option. Sometimes, we don’t like what we like. We wish we were different — more spiritual, more sophisticated, more adventurous, more cultured. But you don’t get to pick what you like.
You might argue, “If she truly believed in the value of living a non-materialistic life, she wouldn’t be interested in fashion and fancy clothes.” That sounds like it would be true, but I don’t think it is true. Human nature isn’t always consistent.
In Song of Myself, Walt Whitman wrote:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
There’s a sadness to a happiness project, and that’s the sadness that comes from accepting ourselves: the parts we embrace and the parts that we wish were different.
Now, this a difficult issue, because -- what does it mean to live in accordance with your values? It seems that they can't be real values if they don't actually guide your actions, if you don't make choices that reflect your beliefs. True. Maybe this woman would choose not to buy Prada etc., because she wanted to live her beliefs. But perhaps she could find other ways to enjoy that passion, rather than squelching it entirely.
A difficult issue. What do you think?
* Thought-provoking study: "Psychologists have found that how much people smile in old photographs can predict their later success in marriage."
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: ten tips for being a more light-hearted parent.
One of my Twelve Commandments is “Lighten up,” and I have a lot of resolutions aimed at trying to be a more lighthearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home—but we can’t nag and yell our way there. Here are some strategies that help me:
1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.
2. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.
3. Get enough sleep yourself. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But morning comes fast. Along the same lines …
4. Wake up before your kids. We were so rushed in the morning that I started getting up half an hour earlier than my children. That means I can get myself organized, check my e-mail, post to Slate, and get my bag packed before they get up. It’s tough to wake up earlier, but it has made a huge difference in the quality of our mornings.
5. I’ve been researching the hedonic treadmill: People quickly adapt to new pleasures or luxuries, so it takes a new pleasure to give them a jolt of gratification. As a result, I’ve cut back on treats and impulse buys for my kids. The ice cream sandwich or the Polly Pockets set won’t be an exciting treat if it isn’t rare.
6. Most messages to kids are negative: “Stop,” “Don’t,” “No.” So I try to cast my answers as a "yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.” It’s not easy to remember to do this, but I’m trying.
7. Look for little ways to celebrate. I haven’t been doing holiday breakfasts long, but they’re a huge source of happiness. They’re quick and fun, and everyone gets a big kick out of them.
8. Repetition works. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “Keep your hands to yourself”; “Answer the first time you’re asked”; “Ask first”; and “Stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt). You can also use the school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “Accidents will happen,” “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).
9. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? OK. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”
10. When I find myself thinking, “Yippee, soon we won’t have to deal with a stroller,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. All too soon the age of Cheerios and the Tooth Fairy will be over. The days are long, but the years are short.
Have you found any good strategies to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying, “Yes”?
* I like stopping by White Hot Truth—"because self-realization rocks." Lots of thought-provoking material there.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I just finished reading Kevin Roose’s memoir, The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University
. As a 19-year-old college student at Brown, Kevin decided to spend a semester “undercover” as a student at Liberty University, the largest Christian fundamentalist university in the United States, founded by Jerry Falwell. He wanted to understand what that college experience, so different from his own, would be. The book is a very sympathetic, searching look at what he found at Liberty.
I loved this book. I love memoirs; I love yearlong experiments, no surprise (though, actually, his experiment lasted only a semester); I’m fascinated by very devout communities. Plus the book is very funny.
The experience caused Kevin to re-examine many of his assumptions—in particular, his assumptions about what makes people happy.
Gretchen: Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy didn’t—or vice versa?
Kevin: When I got to Liberty for the first day of orientation week, I expected to be completely unhappy, mostly because Liberty's 46-page code of conduct—which prohibits drinking, smoking, R-rated movies, cursing, and dancing—wiped out basically 95 percent of my daily life. After I got used to the rules, though, I actually found that the rigid discipline was actually sort of refreshing. It gave me an incredible amount of structure in my life, and I felt happy and productive there. A sociologist named Margarita Mooney has done studies of religious college students who attend services regularly, and it turns out that on the whole, they report being happier, more motivated, more diligent about their schoolwork than the students who don't practice a religion. I think I can see why.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Well, it wasn't that long ago—I'm only 21 now—but I think one of my major realizations has been that my happiness doesn't always have to depend on how busy I am. It used to be that I'd think of happiness as a timed goal—as in, "After I finish my manuscript, I'll be able to relax" or "When midterms are over, I'll finally get to have fun." But recently, I've been able to be happy even in the most hectic times, simply by prioritizing and taking breaks to do things I enjoy.
What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
When I was living at Liberty, I had to learn how to pray. I'm back at secular college now, but I still pray almost every day. Don't get me wrong: I'm not an evangelical Christian, and I don't believe that God sits on his throne in heaven watching our requests flood into his cosmic inbox. But I do think there's value in focusing on the needs of my friends and family members, trying to empathize with them for 10 or 20 minutes a day. It forces me to be aware of how lucky I am, and I really do think it motivates me to be more compassionate. As the writer Oswald Chambers says, it's not so much that prayer changes things, but that prayer changes me, and I change things.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I'm a chronic perfectionist, so writing and rewriting my book was a fairly unhappy process at times. I'd spend an hour writing a paragraph, decide I hated it, and spend another hour rewriting it, only to realize later that it had been better the first time around. It was tough, but I eventually learned to silence my inner editor and allow myself to work even when I knew I wasn't feeling up to the task. Once, I put a Post-it note above my computer that said, "Whatever It Is, Write Through It." Reading it was like getting a halftime pep talk from a football coach, but the nerdy version.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
Three words: Wii Mario Kart
. I know this might cement my status as an overstimulated member of the millennial generation, but what can I say? Playing video games makes me happy. Between releasing my book and keeping up with my schoolwork, my brain's circuits are on 24-hour overload. Being able to zone out, forget about work, and guide an animated mushroom around a racetrack filled with oversized Venus' flytraps is about as relaxing as it gets.
* I love HeadButler—a place to go for great recommendations for books, movies, music, and products—I signed up for the daily e-mail.
* Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, e-mail me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual e-mail format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or use the sign-up box in the top-right column of the blog.
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One of my most helpful Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s OK to ask for help,” and today I’m asking for your help.
In Washington, D.C., next week, I’m giving a talk about the Happiness Project. As part of the discussion, I’d love to list some suggestions by readers of what they’ve learned from this blog—what specific things have proved most useful.
For example, a few months ago, someone wrote, “I've thought a lot about what your father said to you about exercising—that all you have to do is put on your running shoes and close the front door behind you. That has helped me exercise more.”
Someone else told me that she’d started keeping a one-sentence journal, and it had been a source of happiness for her.
I hope that this blog has been useful. If you've visited here before, and something particularly resonated with you, or some strategy that you tried really worked, I’d love to hear from you. Just post a comment here—I’m sure other readers would be interested to hear what worked for you—or drop me a quick note at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com] (sorry about the weird format; meant to thwart spammers).
If you read this blog on Slate, you might be thinking, "Gosh, she's only been posting since January! That's not much writing before asking a question like this." Over on my freestanding blog, The Happiness Project, though, I've been writing since 2006.
I hope a few people do respond! Whenever I ask for help like this, I get anxious—then I remind myself to Enjoy the fun of failure. It actually does work. Oh ... I’ll add that as an item on my own list.
*
The brilliant Marci Alboher has a fabulous blog on Yahoo Shine, called Working the New Economy. Lots of great material there about dealing with today's job environment. Alas, I read her post about 7 Deadly Sins of Networking, and How to Avoid Them, and realized I'd just committed a major sin.
*
Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested in doing something like that—also would work if you want to start a book group focused on happiness books. If you want a starter kit, e-mail me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual e-mail format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or use the sign-up box in the top-right column of the blog.
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"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”
—T.H. White, The Sword in the Stone
* I frequently drop by the blog Beyond Blue—"a spiritual journey to mental health," where Therese Borchard writes about depression, happiness, and similar issues from a religious perspective. Therese and I met online because of our mutual preoccupation with St. Therese of Lisieux.
* Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested in doing something like that—also would work if you want to start a book group focused on happiness books. If you want a starter kit, e-mail me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual e-mail format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or use the sign-up box in the top-right column of the blog.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now.
I started thinking about false choices when I heard a friend describe a new job he was considering. “I don’t think I’ll take it,” he explained. “There are two ways to do that job. John Doe was the wise counselor to the boss, the old friend who had the boss’s respect and his ear. Joe Doe was the sycophant, the suck-up who told the boss what he wanted to hear and did all his dirty work. I can’t follow the first model, and I won’t follow the second model. So the job’s not for me.”
But that was a false choice. There are any number of ways to do a job; he didn’t have to limit himself to one of those two models.
I’ve noticed that in the area of happiness, people often offer false choices.
“I’d rather have three true friends instead of tons of shallow friends.”
There aren’t just two options at the extreme. There are all kinds of friendship, along a wide spectrum of intimacy. You don’t have to choose between a “real” few and “superficial” many.
“I think it’s more important to worry about other people’s happiness instead of thinking only about myself and my own happiness.”
Why do you have to choose? You can think about your happiness and other people’s happiness. In fact, as summed up in the Second Splendid Truth, thinking about your own happiness will help you make others happy, too.
“I believe it’s more important to be authentic and honest than it is to be positive and enthusiastic.”
Can you find a way to be authentically enthusiastic? In my experience, it’s often possible, though it can take a little work.
From Eleanor Roosevelt: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct.”
Happiness is a goal and a byproduct. Nietzche explained this well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”
I think false choices are tempting for a couple of reasons. First, instead of facing a bewildering array of options, you limit yourself to a few simple possibilities. Also, the way you set up the options usually makes it obvious that one choice is the high-minded, reasonable, laudable choice, and one is not.
But although false choices can be comforting, they can leave you feeling trapped, and they can blind you to other choices you might make. “Either I can be financially secure, or I can have a job I enjoy.” “I have to decide whether to marry this person now or to accept the fact that I’m never going to have a family.”
Can you think of examples of when you, or someone you know, fell into the trap of a false choice?
* I'm not very manly myself, but I get a big kick out of The Art of Manliness.
*I'm thrilled by the number of people who have let me know that they're interested in starting a happiness-project group in their area. I've been working hard on the starter kit to send you, and hope to have that ready to go very soon.
If you'd like to receive a starter-kit for launching your own group, let me know. Email me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name (Use the usual email format -- that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.
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The Sixth of my Personal Commandments is “Enjoy the process.” I learned this commandment from my father, who reminds us to “Enjoy the process” at every turn.
I’m finishing up the first-pass page proofs for my book. This is the first time I’ve seen my manuscript looking like a real book, and it’s very gratifying, as you can imagine.
Nevertheless, as I was editing, I was feeling overworked and plagued with self-doubt—when I remembered an afternoon a few years ago, after I’d just started actually writing the book, when I’d fantasized about the delights of the very stage I’m in right now.
And I realized, Enjoy the process! This is the fun part! I like editing much more than writing. It’s exciting to see the book taking shape. Instead of getting worked up and agitated, I should let myself take pleasure in hitting this milestone and in moving forward.
As corny as it is to say, it’s true: I’ll be happier if I find happiness along the way (technical term: pregoal attainment positive affect) instead of expecting to be happy when I reach a certain goal. Even if hitting that goal doesn't make me as happy as I expect, if I enjoy the process, I'm happy.
* For people who are thinking about careers and career changes (lots of folks like that, these days), a great resource is the Career Renegade blog and book, Career Renegade: How To Make a Great Living Doing What You Love.
* Hey superfans! As expected, the prelaunch of the superfabulous soon-to-be-unveiled Web site has been pushed back—now, to April 20. Hang in there! I think that date will hold.
If you haven't signed up as a superfan but would like to volunteer to help with the prelaunch of the Web site, or other various things, I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for making yourself likable.
You can't actually make someone like you. But you can behave in ways that will make it slightly more likely.
We all want to feel that other people enjoy being with us and that they seek our company. Having close relationships is one of the most meaningful elements to happiness. It’s not always easy to make friends, however. To form a friendship, you must like someone—and you must also be likable.
How can you boost the chances that someone will like you? Here are eight strategies to keep in mind—not ways to manipulate people or to be fake but to make sure that your desire to be friendly effectively shines through:
1. Smile. Now, this is no shock, but studies do show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct impact on how friendly you’re perceived to be. Also, people mimic the expressions on the faces they see, so if you smile, you’re more likely to be smiled at. (Scientists have identified 19 types of smiles, by the way.)
2. Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. Most people get more pleasure from wowing you with their humor and insight than from being wowed by your humor and insight.
3. Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Lean toward people, nod, say “Uh-huh,” turn your body to face the other person’s body. Don’t turn your body away, cross your arms, answer in monosyllables, or scan the room (or look at your Blackberry! I have seen this happen!) as the other person talks.
4. Remember trait transfer. In “trait transfer,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a co-worker as brilliant and charismatic, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. Conversely, if you describe a co-worker as arrogant and obnoxious, those traits will stick to you. So watch what you say.
5. Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. However, don’t push this self-deprecation too far—keep it light. You’ll make others uncomfortable if you run yourself down too much. I met a guy who kept saying things like, "I'm an idiot," "I have the most boring job ever," etc. He was trying to be self-deprecating, but it was hard to know how to respond to that kind of comment from a stranger.
6. Radiate energy and good humor. Because of the phenomenon of “emotional contagion,” people catch the emotions of other people, and they prefer to catch an upbeat, energetic mood. Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth.
7. Show your liking for another person. We’re much more apt to like someone if we think that person likes us. Look for ways to signal that you enjoy a person’s company. When I call my daughters’ pediatrician with some health question, she always says “Hello!” as if she’s genuinely thrilled to hear from me, and I’ve really noticed what a difference it makes on my feelings of warmth toward her.
8. Try to remember the name of the person you're talking to! If you can’t remember it, here are some tips for coping with the situation.
Studies suggest that we decide how close a relationship we’ll have with a new acquaintance within the first 10 minutes of meeting that person, and that in evaluating people, we weigh early information more heavily than information acquired later. So make a big effort to be openly friendly the first time you meet someone.
* Courtesy of the brilliant, funny Communicatrix, I discovered iSerenity, a site that provides "ambient sound environments at your desktop for relaxation." You can use it as white noise if you work in a cubicle (a friend works for a company that plays white noise to give people more sound privacy at their desks) or if you like a soothing noise. I love the Rain. Also included: vacuum and fan, very handy if you have a newborn who sleeps better with those noises.
* If you haven't watched my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might like to check it out.
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Todd Kashdan is a positive-psychology professor at George Mason University whose work I follow with special interest. He studies many fascinating subjects—among other things, self-regulation and how personal strengths operate in everyday life—so I’m very eager to get my hands on his new book, Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life
. It's exactly the kind of thing I love to read. (Also, we have the same publisher, Harper, which is a little bit like being from the same hometown.)
He just started a blog, Curious?, about “discovering and creating a life that matters,” on the Psychology Today blogs site—which, by the way, has a terrific assortment of blogs, if you haven’t checked it out.
Obviously, given his work, Todd has given a tremendous amount of thought to the subject of happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Todd: There are few things more pleasurable than two people treating conversation as play without the slightest concern of being judged or where the conversation is and where it might head. Not only do I get to enjoy what the other person says and how they react to what I say, I get to enjoy the unexpected words and thoughts from my own brain. This spontaneity is unadulterated pleasure.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Pain and failure are not barriers to happiness. What prevents us from moving in the direction of what we care about and achieving a happy, meaningful existence is our unwillingness to be in contact with anxious thoughts and feelings, situations that caused us tension in the past, and situations that might cause us tension in the future.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
There is a dark side to my desire to become an expert in psychology, knowledgeable about science and literature, skilled as a parent, mountain biker, and weightlifter, and attentive as a husband. When I think I know something, I stop paying attention. It happens far too often, and when it does, opportunities close. I constantly have to remind myself to let go of my ego, let go of my expectations, and stay flexible and profoundly aware of what is right in front of my senses.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you find very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
Mark Twain said that “you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do,” and Ralph Emerson said, “Life is an experiment” and “The more experiments you make the better.” These are my mantras. I converse with these great thinkers multiple times per day.
I also cherish the image from Island
by Aldous Huxley where all the birds are trained to say “attention” as a reminder to be mindful in whatever it is you are doing. It could be your bodily position when you bend down to rake leaves or staying immersed when someone speaks instead of thinking about what you’re going to say or do next.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
First, there are certain songs that can immediately replenish my energy supply. Usually, we are talking about an incendiary experience with dirty electric-guitar riffs, a gravelly vocalist, and grunge recording that ebbs and flows with very subtle vocal harmony. Music has been the backdrop of my existence since childhood and never ceases as a mood enhancer.
Second, there are workout sessions where I lift weights, grunt, and temporarily shed the other layers of my existence. My equanimity hinges on my ability to be a warrior in the gym.
Finally, I tune in fully and completely to whatever captures my kids’ interest. When my twin 2-year-old girls are giddy and intrigued, nothing else matters. This is the newest addition to my repertoire of mood enhancers, but it has quickly become the most profound. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that it isn’t about me and I have no control over when these experiences arise. Taken together, there are less than a handful of times in my life when I entered down spells lasting longer than a few minutes or hours.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Far too many people around me are unaware of their deepest values and passions. As a result, they settle on romantic partners, careers, and weekend habits that fail to offer them lasting satisfaction or meaning. It is easy to stay on the treadmill and float in a sea of boredom and apathy. It requires massive cojones (or ovaries) to make changes so that what we do is directly aligned with what we care most about. When people believe their personality and lifestyle are immune to change, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why?
My frequent, intense bouts of energy and exuberance have been a constant throughout my life. I am fortunate to have an excellent temperament, but I also surround myself with people and activities that I am passionate about. Thus, my happiness rarely wavers.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t—or vice versa?
I am continually surprised by the power of gratitude. There is something deeply moving about being mindfully aware of the people who benefited me, allowing me to discover my strengths and find outlets for them. Reflecting on my benefactors mobilizes me to attempt great feats and feel at home in the universe.
* I'm thrilled by the number of people who have let me know that they're interested in starting a happiness-project group in their area, where people can get together to talk about their happiness projects. I've been working hard on the starter kit to send you and hope to have that ready to go very soon.
If you'd like to receive a starter kit for launching your own group, let me know. E-mail me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.
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Several thoughtful readers sent me this fake ad for Despondex, a “prescription depressant for the insufferably cheery.”
According to the ad, Despondex is “effective at reducing a range of symptoms,” such as:
- talking to people in line at the grocery store,
- participating in community theater,
- Christmas caroling,
- collecting ceramic animal figurines,
- organizing neighborhood potlucks.
The fake ad plays off Happiness Myth no. 1: Happy People Are Annoying and Stupid. It’s also pretty funny.
(Here's the URL if you need it.)
* A very smart guy told me that there's no overlap between blog readers and book readers. "Two completely different types of people," he insisted. "The people who read blogs don't bother with books." I'm not so sure. I get the sense that the people that read this blog, at least, also read books. Then it occurred to me—I could just ask. If you have a second, please answer the survey question (if you don't see a box, click on the question):
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“With what pleasure do we look upon a family, through the whole of which reign mutual love and esteem, where the parents and children are companions for one another, without any other difference than what is made by respectful affection on the one side, and kind indulgence on the other; where freedom and fondness, mutual raillery and mutual kindness, shew that no opposition of interest divides the brothers, nor any rivalship of favours sets the sisters at variance, and where everything presents us with the idea of peace, cheerfulness, harmony, and contentment?”—Adam Smith
* I just came across the blog Rock Your Day and am looking forward to cruising around it. "Stop settling for less, start changing your life"—sounds like my kind of thing.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A reader sent me the link to Jonathan Haidt's article, "It’s More Fun to Work on Strengths Than Weaknesses (but It May Not Be Better For You)," from May 2002. I was particularly interested to read it because I very much liked Haidt’s book, The Happiness Hypothesis
.
The purpose of the article was to examine whether people benefited more from working on their strengths or working on their weaknesses, drawing upon the Values in Action Classification of 24 strengths/virtues, but what interested me most was the article’s Appendix. It provides a big menu of suggested activities for people to consider as they work on their strengths or weaknesses.
If you’re trying to think of resolutions for boosting your own happiness, this list is a great place to get ideas. (The list is aimed at college students living in Charlottesville, Va., but it's easily adapted to other situations.)
What I like about this list is its specificity. Making resolutions like “Have more joy” or “Live more deeply” are abstract, and so it’s harder to act on them. Resolutions are more effective when they direct you to a very concrete action.
1. Curiosity and Interest in the World
a. Ask question in class
b. Discover new places
c. Explore the stacks in the library; browse widely, or pick an interesting looking book each day, and spend 20 minutes skimming it.
d. Eat something new that you never otherwise would have tried
e. Go to a meeting or hear a speaker
2. Love of Learning
a. Discover one new place in C’ville every day
b. Read a newspaper other than the Cav Daily
c. Go to a professor’s office hours without a question
d. Ask a question in class
e. Go to an online search engine like Ask Jeeves-ask a question and explore sites you never otherwise would have discovered
f. Every day, read a chapter of a book that is not an assigned class text
g. Read a book about something you’ve always found intriguing but never found the time to learn more about.
3. Judgment, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness
a. Go to a multi-cultural group or event.
b. Play devil’s advocate and discuss an issue from the side opposite to your personal views
c. Take a hall/suitemate out to lunch who is different from you in some way.
d. Go to a different church or religious event
e. Every day, pick something you believe strongly, and think about how you might be wrong.
4. Creativity, ingenuity and originality
a. Keep a journal, work on a picture or poem
b. Submit a piece to a literary magazine or newspaper
c. Decorate a notebook or your room
d. Pick one object in your room and devise another use for it rather than its intended use
e. Find a new word every day (perhaps at dictionary.com) and use it creatively every day.
f. Change your profile on IM daily
5. Social Intelligence
a. Meet one new person each day by approaching them
b. Go into a social situation in which you would normally feel uncomfortable and try to fit in
c. Whenever you talk with someone, try to figure out what his or her motives and concerns are.
d. Encounter someone by themselves and by being friendly, include them in your group.
6. Perspective (Wisdom)
a. Get a quote a day online
b. Give advice to an upset friend
c. Think of the wisest person you know. Try to live each day as that person would live.
d. Look up prominent people in history and learn their views on important issues of their day and/or find a significant quotation that they said.
7. Valor
a. Talk in class (if you don’t normally)
b. Go against peer pressure or social norms
c. Stand up for someone even if you disagree with him/her.
d. Ask someone out or to dance
e. Introduce yourself to a stranger next to you in class
f. Speak up for an unpopular idea (if you believe in it)
8. Industry diligence and Perseverance
a. Finish work ahead of time
b. Notice your thoughts about stopping a task, and ignore them. Focus on the task at hand.
c. In class, resist daydreaming and distractions.
d. Plan ahead- use a calendar for assignments and tests.
e. Set a high goal (e.g., for exercise, or studying) and stick to it.
f. When you wake up in the morning, make a list of things that you want to get done that day that could be put off until the next day. Make sure to get them done that day.
9. Honesty, Authenticity and Genuineness
a. Refrain from telling small, white lies, to friends (including insincere compliments). If you do tell one, admit it and apologize right away.
b. Monitor yourself and make a list of every time you tell a lie, even if it is a small one. Try to make your daily list shorter every day.
c. At the end of each day, identify something you did that was attempting to impress people, or put on a show. Resolve not to do it again.
10. Zest, Enthusiasm, and Energy
a. Go out of your way to become more involved in an organization you are already a part of
b. Take up a greater interest in one of your classes, i.e. volunteer for a class activity
c. Do something because you want to, not because you are told.
d. Get a good night’s sleep and eat a good breakfast, to give yourself more energy during the day.
e. Do something physically vigorous in the morning (e.g., jog, push-ups)
11. Kindness and generosity
a. Leave a huge tip for a small check.
b. Do a random act of kindness every day (a simple, small favor). Make it anonymous if possible.
c. Be a listening ear to a friend. Ask them how their day was and actually listen to the answer before telling them about your own day.
d. Send an e-card to a different friend each day.
e. Pay the whole tab when you are out with friends.
12. Capacity to Love and be Loved
a. Tell boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/parent that you love them
b. Send a loved one a card or e-card to say that you were thinking about him/her.
c. Give loved ones a big hug and a kiss
d. Write a nice note where someone you love will find it sometime during the day. Do this in a new place, or for a new person, every day.
13. Citizenship and Teamwork
a. Volunteer at Madison House
b. Take on added responsibility within an organization you are already a part of
c. Pick up litter that you see on the ground
d. Clean your suite, hall, or lounge (anywhere communal)
e. Organize a hall/suite dinner
f. Do your share in a group work/as a facilitator
14. Fairness, Equity and Justice
a. Allow someone to speak their peace while keeping an open mind by not passing judgment
b. Stay impartial in an argument between friends despite your beliefs (be the mediator)
c. Notice when you treat someone based on a stereotype or pre-conception; resolve not to do it again.
15. Leadership
a. Organize something special for your friends or suitemates one evening.
b. Organize a study group
16. Modesty
a. Don’t talk about yourself at all for a full day.
b. Dress and act modestly, so as not to attract attention to yourself.
c. Find a way in which someone you know is better than you. Compliment him or her for it.
17. Self-Control and Self-Regulation
a. Set aside 2 hours (or other designated amount of time) and ACTUALLY study in a quiet place.
b. Work out four days a week (if you don’t already)
c. Clean or organize your room. Every day, make sure that you pick up whatever mess you made during the day.
d. Leave something unfinished on your plate that you usually regret eating afterwards.
e. When something upsets you, attempt to block it out of your mind and instead focus on the good things in your life.
f. Make a resolution to not gossip. When you feel the urge to talk about someone behind his or her back, remember your resolution and stop yourself before you talk.
g. In the evenings, make an agenda for the following day. Stick to that agenda.
h. When you get overly emotional about something, calm down and calmly consider all of the issues again.
18. Caution, Prudence and Discretion
a. During a conversation, think twice before saying anything. Weigh the probable effect of your words on others.
b. Think about the motto “Better safe than sorry” at least three times a day. Try to incorporate its meaning into your life.
c. Before you decide to do something important, reflect on it for a moment and consider if you want to live with its consequences 1 hour, 1 day, or 1 year later.
19. Forgiveness and Mercy
a. Think of someone that you found it very hard to forgive. Try to see the situation from their perspective. Then consider, if you had been the one to do the offensive act, would you have expected to be forgiven?
b. Keep a journal, and every night, describe someone who made you mad, or against whom you have a grudge. After writing about the grudge, describe why you are resistant to forgiving them. Then look at the situation from that person’s point of view, and forgive the person.
c. Make contact with someone who has made you mad in the past. Let them know that you forgive them, or just be kind to them in your conversation.
d. When someone does something that you do not understand, try to fathom his or her intentions in the actions.
20. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence
a. Go to a museum (e.g., the Bailey) and pick out a piece of artwork or a display that has aesthetic value and touches you because of its beauty.
b. Write down your thoughts about a piece of art, or something beautiful you see around grounds.
c. Take a walk with a friend and comment on something pretty that you see
d. Attend a concert and enjoy the sound for its musical value. Or pick out the most moving music you know of, and listen to it appreciatively on headphones every night. Or ask a friend to recommend the most beautiful music he or she knows.
e. Keep a journal, and every night, record something you saw during the day that struck you as extremely beautiful, or skillful.
f. Find something that makes you happy, in aesthetics or value, a physical activity or an object, and let it inspire you throughout the day.
g. Visit the Fine Arts Library and browse through the art books.
21. Gratitude
a. Keep a journal, and each night, make a list of three things that you are thankful for in life
b. Every day, thank someone for something that you might otherwise take for granted (e.g., thanking the janitor who cleans your hallways).
c. Keep a record of the number of times you use the words “thank you” in a day. Over the course of the first week, try to double the number of times that you say the words.
d. Call a parent/sibling/friend each day and thank him/her (e.g., for helping you to become who you are, or for always being there for you.)
e. Send someone a “thank you” e-greeting.
f. Leave a note on your roommate/apartment mate suitemate/hall mate that thanks them for something about them that you appreciate.
22. Hope, Optimism, and Future-Mindedness
a. Keep a journal, and every night, record a decision you made that day that will impact your life in the long run
b. When you are in a bad situation, turn it around to see the optimistic side of it. You can almost always find some good in a situation, regardless of how awful it seems at the time.
c. Make a list of bad decisions you have made. Forgive yourself and move on in life realizing that you cannot go backwards, only focus on the present and future.
d. Notice your negative thoughts. Counter them with positive thoughts.
e. Reaffirm yourself that you can and will succeed at whatever you put your mind to.
23. Spirituality and Sense of Purpose, and Faith
a. For five minutes a day, relax and think about the purpose of life, and where you fit in. b. For five minutes a day, think about the things you can do to improve the world or your community.
c. Read a religious or spiritual book, or go to a religious service every day
d. Explore different religions. You can do this by going to a library, looking on the Internet, or asking your friends about their religions.
e. Spend a few minutes a day in meditation or prayer.
f. Invest in a book of affirmations or optimistic quotes. Read a few every day.
24. Humor and Playfulness
a. Every day, make someone smile or laugh.
b. Learn a joke and tell it to your friends.
c. Watch a funny movie or TV show.
d. Read the comics
e. Learn a magic trick and perform it for your friends
Once you choose your resolutions, just make sure you remember to stick to them. That's even trickier than choosing the right resolutions.
* If you’re interested in starting a happiness-project group, where you meet with other people to work on your own happiness projects, email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Happiness-Project Group” in the subject line. I'm preparing a starter kit for anyone who is thinking about starting a group.
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My happiness-project resolutions include "Cultivate rituals and traditions," "Spread family cheer," "Take time for projects," and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." This cluster of resolutions runs together—meaning that doing a single action means I can give myself a gold star in several boxes. (And, yes, I love those gold stars.)
Last year, I decided to start doing holiday breakfasts, so these days I decorate the breakfast table for each holiday. This is easy, fun, and festive. I also decided to start playing April Fools' pranks.
Yesterday morning, I combined the two. Before I went to bed the night before, I dyed the milk bright green—in an opaque container. In the morning, when my two daughters were at the table, I got a big gasp when I poured the milk into their bowls of Special K cereal. Much excitement. Then the green milk dyed their teeth and tongues green, another source of hilarity.
The happiness payoff was huge. Both girls got a big kick out of it; they were very excited to tell my husband about it when he came into the kitchen; they were very excited to tell their friends that I had played a real joke on them. The morning felt special and fun.
I took a picture, so we can remember this morning for a long time.
This April Fools' joke took me about 10 seconds to pull off, but I had to decide to do it. Sometimes, even doing the smallest extra thing seems impossible, but it’s worth the effort. I constantly have to remind myself of the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. I’m always happy when I take the time to observe a tradition, do a family project, spread a little cheer, take a photo.
Last year, I froze my daughters' bowls of cereal—this year, food dye. Now I am officially out of kid-appropriate pranks. Any ideas? Please post!
* If you're interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my superfabulous new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line. To those of you who sign up—thanks so much!
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for dealing with feeling unappreciated.
Oh, how I crave gold stars. One of my worst qualities is my insatiable need for credit; I always want the recognition, the praise, the gold star stuck on my homework. I struggle to master my need for gold stars, because it makes me a resentful score-keeper.
Several of my resolutions are aimed at this desire, like "Don’t expect praise or appreciation" and "Do it for myself." One of my 12 Commandments is "No calculation"—it comes from a quotation from St. Therese of Lisieux, who observed, “When one loves, one does not calculate.”
Nevertheless, for all my efforts, I have to admit that I still crave gold stars. Whether or not I should want them, I do. Here are the strategies I use to try to curb my craving:
1. Do it for yourself. For a long time, I self-righteously told myself that I made certain efforts “for the team.” While this sounded generous, it led to a bad result, because I sulked when my husband or whoever didn’t appreciate my efforts. Now, I tell myself, “I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want.” I want to send out Valentine’s cards. I want to organize the cabinets. This sounds selfish, but in fact, it’s less selfish, because it means I’m not waiting for a gold star. No one else even has to notice what I’ve done.
2. Find ways to reward yourself. Maybe other people aren’t giving you credit, but you can give yourself credit. One reason I love my Resolutions Chart is that I get a little jolt of satisfaction when I reward myself with a check mark next to a resolution. I give myself my own gold stars! (True confession: My need for gold stars is so raw that when I started keeping my Resolutions Chart, I considered buying actual gold-star stickers and literally sticking them on. I didn’t go that far.)
3. Tell people you’d like to get a gold star. Once I acknowledged to myself how much I crave gold stars, I was able to explain that to my family—and sometimes even joke about it. Since then, they’ve all been better about doling them out, because they know how important it is to me. Also, it’s easy for people innocently to overlook contributions you’ve made, and if you give a gentle reminder, they might happily load you with gold stars.
4. Express your appreciation for what other people do. One good rule for happiness is that if you wish people would act a certain way toward you, act that way yourself toward others. If you wish people would be freer with praise and appreciation, make sure you’re ladling it out yourself. Also, when you push yourself to feel grateful for what others are doing, you remind yourself of how much they do for you—and that eases resentment.
5. Remember that being taken for granted is a form of praise. It’s ironic: The more reliable you are, and the less you complain, the more likely you are to be taken for granted. If you always meet deadlines, if you never lose your temper, if you’re always prepared, people overlook your efforts. Really, that’s a compliment.
* I really enjoy the blog The Fluent Self—all about "destuckification" in all its forms.
* So many people have written to ask for a starter kit for launching their own Happiness-Project Groups! I'm working away on creating something to send out—I want the materials to be terrific. I'll keep you posted.
If you'd like to add your name to the list, email me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry to write in that weird way—trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Happiness-Project Group" in the subject line.