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One of my happiness-project resolutions is to Read memoirs of catastrophe. I hit on this as my own form of memento mori – better than keeping a skull on my desk. Most of the memoirs I read deal with illness or death, in one form or another, but a different kind of catastrophe is divorce. I recently finished the terrific memoir of divorce by Isabel Gillies, Happens Every Day
. (You might recognize her picture, because when she’s not writing, she’s an actress on Law and Order; also in the movie, Metropolitan
.)
Even before I opened it up, I was inclined to love the book, because I’d heard that Isabel Gillies wrote the whole thing at my beloved New York Society Library. Once I started it, I couldn’t put it down – I ended up reading the whole thing in one day. One of the most important themes of the book is happiness (no surprise), and Isabel Gillies has obviously done a lot of thinking about the subject.
Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Isabel: Listening to a good song and dancing to it. Even better if my kids join me. I got to tell you, right now that Taylor Swift song “Love Story” is really doing it for me.
What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
At 39, I find that enough sleep can be a big factor in how happy one is, but I’m not sure that was true at 18. My feeling about happiness (shared by many others of course) is that you are born with it. It’s a chemical thing. There are outside factors that can make you happier or sadder but everyone has a base level of happiness that varies from one person to the next. I don’t know that I knew that when I was younger. At 18, a live Grateful Dead show or having a cutie-pie boy smile at me after English class could make me pretty darn happy, but then again, I’m still dancing in the living room to Taylor Swift, so I don’t know how much has changed.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Oh, I sweat the small stuff a lot. I have to make my 7-year-old lunch to take to school, and every morning I wake up in a panic about what it will be. Will he like it? Will it stay hot? What if it’s not enough? Oh good lord it bums me out. I wish I could be more Zen, or wise enough to know that there are some things that you just can’t change or fix, so you should just take a deep breath and move on with your day. I can also be sensitive and get my feelings hurt, and then I focus on that instead of seeing the bigger picture.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've find very helpful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
Well, in my book I cite Adlai Stevenson’s quote about Eleanor Roosevelt, that she’d “rather light a candle than curse the darkness.” And that has become my motto. Also, I read my children The Missing Piece
by Shel Silverstein. The book is an endless source of happiness for them. It just makes them laugh and pause and think. Seeing them dig it so much makes me think they’re onto something, so I pay attention to that book a lot and try to remember its lessons.
If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).
Getting in bed with a cookbook. Settling into an evening of good TV, a glass of white wine, and take-out. Chatting on the phone with a pal, while making the beds. A walk. Having a snuggle with a kid. A jelly donut and cup of tea. Looking at photo albums. Picturing my husband's smile.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Gosh, these are harder questions than I thought. I guess I think that if one basically feels happy, then that is a done deal, with the environment or circumstances they find themselves in temporarily adding or subtracting from that. If someone is really unhappy, even winning the lottery will only make them happy for a certain amount of time and then they will probably return to their original state. I think what one may want to achieve is not so much happiness but peace?
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy - if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I think I have always felt the same level of happiness. I know that because I naturally wake up happy, and I always have. I think it’s my mother’s favorite thing about me. If there is something negative going on in my life, I might remember it soon after I wake, and then get bummed out, but the first feeling I have when I open my eyes is happiness. I think it's chemical.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I work on figuring out the root of why certain things get me down. It drives me crazy to think that my life can be adversely affected, or I can be pushed around, by something that I could change with a little introspective digging. If I can get to the bottom of why something gets in the way of my happiness I might be able to beat it. Another good trick to getting happy is focusing on something larger than yourself. Like jury duty oddly can make you happy. Participating in the bigger picture, something civic, something outside your own little life can make you swell with happiness. It might be subtle, but it’s definitely there.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't - or vice versa?
I have been surprised that some very sad and unhappy times didn't actually ruin my life, which is a lot of what my book’s about. Sometimes you have to make an active decision to be happy. Or, maybe even better, sometimes you have to find even the tiniest detail to show yourself there is happiness still inside you. You have to look for the good, the happy, even if it's in something as small as a jelly donut.
* I have a few rare friends who are so funny that just the memory of things they said, years ago, is enough to start me laughing. (I'm married to one of these folks, lucky me.) One such friend has just started a blog, RealDelia, about "finding yourself in adulthood." I'm so excited; Delia lives in London now, so I see her very rarely, but now I can get my fix every day. In today's post, the phrase that got me going was the "searing professional experiences" line...ok, now I'm going back to read through the archives.
* If you're interested in volunteering as a super-fan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my super-fabulous new website, you can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line. To those of you who sign up -- thanks so much!
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I recently finished a terrific novel, Sarah Dunn’s Secrets to Happiness
. (How could I resist that title?) One scene caught my happiness-project attention. Betsy is on a blind date with Alan, and they’re both in the mode of sizing up marriagability on the first date.
Alan asks Betsy, “Do you consider yourself a happy person?” In response to her vague answer, he says, “My uncle always said … the secret to being happy in a marriage is to marry someone who was already happy ... [And] the older I get, the more I see that my friends who married happy women are happy, and the ones who didn’t have all sorts of problems.”
“You can’t blame that on the wives,” Betsy answers.
“Yeah, but I think what he meant was, it’s hard to make an unhappy woman happy … a house can only be as happy as the least person in it.” (His rationale would apply to husbands, too.) Alan never asks Betsy on a second date, and the clear implication is that he decided that she seems unhappy and so would likely be unhappy in marriage.
Now, this reminded of studies—as discussed in Daniel Nettle’s Happiness
—that show, as Nettle sums up, “that the best predictor of how happy people are at the end of the study is how happy they were at the beginning. It is as if happiness or unhappiness stem in large part from how we address what happens in the world, not what actually happens.” (p. 92)
This tidbit has always struck me as singularly unhelpful for someone working on being happier—like telling someone that the best way to avoid being overweight was to have always been thin.
Alan was using that information not as a guide to thinking about his own happiness, however, but to evaluate the likelihood that someone else would be happy—someone whose happiness would matter a lot to him, if they married.
This got me thinking. Betsy was unhappy, in large part, because she was worried about getting married and having children. Presumably, then, she’d be happier once she was married with a family, so it seems unfair for Alan to presume she was permanently unhappy.
But in real life, how does this work? Are some people basically happy or unhappy, and don't try to change, so that something like finally getting married wouldn’t make such a difference? Or would it? The arrival fallacy holds that we generally aren’t made as happy by that kind of “arrival” as we expect. On the other hand, the First Splendid Truth holds that feeling right is very important to happiness, and if your life doesn’t reflect your dreams and values, it’s hard to be happy.
That question aside, Alan’s way of thinking struck me as both helpful and harsh.
Helpful because sometimes it might well be worth considering someone’s happiness level. If you’re interviewing for a job with a boss who seems very dissatisfied and angry, you might decide that he wouldn’t be happy with you (or you with him). If you’re thinking of sharing an apartment with someone who lives under a dark cloud, you might want to choose a different roommate.
Harsh because it prompted Alan to turn away from Betsy, who was a nice person, and because this kind of analysis would push people away from less-happy people, who need friendship and consideration. (Spoiler alert: In the end, Betsy gets married to a terrific guy.)
What do you think? Have you ever made a similar analysis about someone else's happiness? Is it true that a house is only as happy as the least happy person in it?
* Special message for the Superfans:
Hey Super-Fans!
Thanks so much for volunteering as a superfan. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. The designers report that the Web site will be ready to test on April 6. We’ll see—such dates often slide—but it shouldn’t be too long. I’ll send you an e-mail with all the information. (If it turns out you don’t want to participate in the test, don’t worry about it, of course.)
If anyone else is interested in volunteering as a superfan, to help me out with various tasks such as the early testing of my new Web site, you can click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “superfan” in the subject line.
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“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”
-- Thomas Merton, Journal
, October 2, 1958
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I’m going through a Tolstoy obsession right now—one which I’ve resisted for a long time, but now, in true Tolstoyan fashion, am allowing myself to succumb to—and I was struck by a phrase in a description of Nabatov, a hero in Resurrection
.
Nabatov is a peasant who got a high-school education because of his exceptional talents. He didn’t go to the university, however, because he wanted to “go among the people and enlighten his neglected brethren.” He took up various positions, and each time was arrested for trying to organize the peasants, and ultimately he was exiled. Tolstoy extols his virtues:
As a peasant he was industrious, observant, and clever at his work; he was also naturally self-controlled, polite without any effort, and attentive not only to the wishes but also to the opinions of others. His widowed mother, an illiterate, superstitious old peasant woman, was still living, and Nabatov helped her, and used to visit her when he was free. During the time he spent at home he entered into all the interests of his mother’s life, helped her in her work, continued his intercourse with former playfellows, smoking in their company cheap tobacco in ‘dog’s-foot cigarettes,’ took part in their fisticuffs, and explained to them how they were all being deceived by the State and how they ought to disentangle themselves from the deception they were kept in.
The phrase that caught my attention in this description is that Nabatov “entered into all the interest of his mother’s life.” It occurs to me that when you think of people getting along harmoniously—whether in a family, or among friends, or in an office—people make an effort to enter into the interests of each other’s lives.
Presumably Nabatov wasn’t much interested in the things that interested his “illiterate, superstitious old peasant” mother. I’m not much interested in Hannah Montana, which interests my older daughter. My husband isn’t much interested in why I think all biographers of St. Therese of Lisieux have profoundly misunderstood her.
Not only do people find it difficult to enter into each other’s interests, people also have a strong impulse to be judgmental about other people’s interests. I think someone’s interest in wine is boring. Someone thinks my interest in children’s literature is childish.
When you’re trying to be happier, one issue that frequently arises is: “If I do this, am I being fake? Doesn’t happiness depend on being authentic? If I don’t naturally feel optimistic/positive/interested, why should I pretend?” (See, e.g., whether you should unenthusiastically play your part in a tradition.)
That’s a very good question. If you spend your time faking an interest in topics that bore you, you’re not going to be very happy. On the other hand, entering into other people’s interests is an important way to show respect and affection.
Ah, the elusive happy medium. What do you think? Is it laudable to enter into other people’s interests, or do you view that as inauthentic? Wait ... I think I hear the Hannah Montana theme song. Gotta go.
* I'm thrilled! I asked if any possible "super-fans" of the Happiness Project would be willing to volunteer to help me out in a few ways—and so many people have offered. Thank you all!
If any more kind souls would like to sign up, please just drop me an email at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail[dot com]. (I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual e-mail format.) No need to write anything more than “super-fan” in the subject line, and I’ll put your name on the list.
First item: Before long, I’m going to launch my supersecret, superfabulous, happiness-related Web site. I’ll send the "super-fans" the link ahead of time, in case they’d be interested in being beta testers (i.e., using the site in its early, pre-public stages).
If you’re not interested in that, there are other issues that will come up in the next few months—all purely voluntary, of course, so if you sign up as a super-fan but then don't have time or don’t want to do anything, that’s fine, too.
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One of my happiness-project resolutions is to join or start a group. I can’t begin to measure how much happiness I’ve received from starting my two children’s-literature reading groups. (Yes, now I belong to two of these groups, because the first one got so big we stopped accepting new people.) If you’re trying to find more happiness in life, being part of a group helps you make new friends, deepen existing friendships, and have fun—all factors that will make you happier. Also, it can be a source of an atmosphere of growth in your life, also a key to happiness.
If you want to start a group, a common passion is a great organizing principle: French movies, learning Italian, training for a marathon. But what if you don’t have a specific passion that lends itself to a group activity? What’s another way to form a group?
A reader, Jeff, wrote me with a great idea. He’s starting a club, The Magnificent Secret Science Club, all about conversation—with the idea that people are increasingly connecting through technology but they still need and want a way to meet face-to-face.
Jeff has organized people to meet regularly in a bar for conversation. At each meeting, he’ll open with three questions for discussion, and then everyone can talk to each other.
This group meets in Minneapolis, so how do I know about it? Because he asked me for some discussion questions about happiness.
I tried to think of questions that would generate real debate and self-disclosure. (Self-disclosure is a great way to build trust and friendship.) I suggested:
1. What’s the relationship between money and happiness?
2. What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
3. Is it selfish to work on being happier?
4. Is there a quotation, a book, or a scene from a movie that you’ve found particularly compelling?
5. If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
6. Have you noticed people with habits that regularly detract from their happiness? Or boost their happiness?
In fact ... it strikes me that a great organizing principle for a group would be happiness! Everyone has strong views and experiences to share. If people got together to talk about their happiness projects, they could swap ideas, build enthusiasm, and hold themselves accountable—and have fun with friends at the same time. How great would it be to see happiness meet-ups popping up across the country? Boy, if people want to start happiness-project groups, I'd create some kind of kit to help them get the ball rolling. If you think you’d be interested in starting something like that, drop me a note at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry to write in that weird way—trying to thwart spammers.)
I know some of you are wincing at this idea—yes, I know you're scoffing! Oh well, it's not for everyone. Have you formed a group? What organizing principle did you use?
* I always enjoy checking out The Art of Non-Conformity. Great stuff there—and very original presentation.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips for making yourself feel better in a crisis.
When something bad happens, how do you make yourself feel better? Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve been crushed in a relationship. What can you do to lift your spirits?
1. Remind yourself that “it could be worse.” Making a downward comparison by comparing your situation with the worse troubles of other people puts your problems into perspective. Because I live in New York City, I know a lot of people who have lost their jobs. When talking about it, they often say things like “We have two healthy children, and that’s what’s important” or “We almost moved to London a few months ago, we’re so glad we didn’t, and so we’re here near our family and friends now.” They’re reminding themselves that, in many ways, they’re fortunate.
2. Remember your body. Take a 20-minute walk outside to boost your energy and dissolve stress. Don’t let yourself get too hungry. Get enough sleep. When you’re anxious, it’s easy to stay up late cruising the Internet and eating ice cream—and that’s going to make you feel a lot worse in the long run. It's very tempting to run yourself ragged trying to deal with a crisis, but in the long run, you just wear yourself out.
4. Do something fun. Distract yourself from the stress and recharge your battery with an enjoyable activity. Watching a funny movie is a reliable way to give yourself a pleasant break, and listening to your favorite music is one of the quickest ways to change your mood. Be careful, however, not to “treat” yourself by doing something that’s eventually going to make you feel worse (taking up smoking again, drinking too much, indulging in retail therapy). My comfort food activity is reading children's literature.
5. Take action. If you’re in a bad situation, take steps to bring about change. If you’re having trouble with your new boss, you could decide to try to transfer. Or you could change your behavior. Or you could find ways to pay less attention to your boss. Ask yourself, "What exactly is the problem?" It's astounding to me that often, when I take time to identify a problem exactly, a possible solution presents itself.
6. Look for meaning. Reframe an event to see the positive along with the negative. Maybe getting fired will give you the push you need to move to the city where you’ve always wanted to live. Maybe getting cancer has strengthened your relationships with your family. You don’t need to be thankful that something bad has happened, but you can see that even a catastrophic event can have (to use a cliché) a silver lining.
7. Spend time with friends and family. Strong social relationships are a key to happiness, so fight the impulse to isolate yourself. Ask for help, offer your help to others. Or just have some fun (see No. 4) and forget your troubles for a while.
8. Make something better. If something in your life has gotten worse, try to make something else better—and it doesn’t have to be something important. Clean a closet. Organize your photographs. Work in the yard.
9. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you. If you wish your friends would help you find someone to date, see if you can fix up a friend. If you wish people would help you find a job, see if you can help someone else find a job. If you can’t think of a way to help someone you know, do something generous in a more impersonal way. Become an organ donor. Donate things you don’t need anymore to charity. (This is also a way to keep No. 8). When you’re feeling very low, it can be hard to muster the energy to help someone else, but you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.
* One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s OK to ask for help,” and I’m asking for your help. If you consider yourself a superfan of the Happiness Project (I ask sheepishly) and would be willing to help me out in a few ways, I’d love to hear from you.
First item: Before long, I’m going to launch my supersecret, superfabulous, happiness-related Web site. I’ll send the superfans the link ahead of time, in case they’d be interested in being beta testers (i.e., using the site in its early stages, to help work out the kinks before I make it public).
If you’re not interested in that sort of thing, there are some other issues that will come up in the next few months—all purely voluntary, of course, so if you sign up as a superfan but then don't have time or don’t want to do anything, that’s perfectly fine.
If any kind souls would like to sign up, please just drop me an e-mail at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail[dot com]. (I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual e-mail format.) No need to write anything more than “superfan” in the subject line, and I’ll put your name on the list.
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As I’ve worked on my happiness project, I’ve been very surprised by how energizing and cheering I find it to clear clutter. In fact, when I’m jonesing for a happiness boost, I’ve been known to beg my friends to let me help them clean out their closets.
One of my favorite books about clearing clutter is Julie Morgenstern’s classic Organizing From the Inside Out
, which I find helpful, realistic, and inspiring. (I've read it a couple of times.) She has a new book that just came out, which is also terrific: SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life
.
The thing that distinguishes her approach is her emphasis on the reasons for clutter. Clutter isn’t just a matter of not having enough closet space. There are psychological reasons that you hang onto things, and when you acknowledge that aspect of clutter, you’re able to get rid of more and also to get more energy from the process. Julie Morgenstern has done a lot of thinking about happiness, as it relates to managing our possessions and time.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Julie: First and foremost, dancing. For all of my life, dancing. No matter what’s on my mind, I am instantly transported the minute I start dancing. The music and movement take me out of my head and into my body, as well as someone else’s musical composition, rhythm, sensibility, emotions. I enjoy all types of dance … from swing and salsa, to folk and freestyle.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18?
That a big ingredient to happiness is non-work-related fun. I always got great joy from my work and still do, but when I was younger, I connected happiness to achievement … and almost felt guilty taking time for fun. Now, I cherish the balance, having fun at work, and also having fun at play. I know this doesn't sound like a radical concept, but it’s been a big a-ha for me over the years.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
I go to Central Park. Being around people … the many characters, stories, scenes, energy, and warmth of others pulls me out of my own troubles and lifts my mood. It’s an instant antidote. And, I must confess, organizing something helps—a drawer, a bookcase, a closet—it’s a way of taking control of what I can, which boosts my calm and confidence.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The primary difference between happy and unhappy people is the sense of personal control or victimization. As a consultant and speaker, most of the people I encounter feel like they are masters of their own lives and are a joy to work with. Together, we work out a plan to overcome any obstacles they have to achieving their goals. But periodically, I encounter people who feel like victims, and those people are never happy. No one is happy when they feel trapped, but I don’t believe any of us is ever trapped. Other than in the case of illness, we have the power to create and change our circumstances and continuously grow, learn, and improve our lives. And even in the most adverse situations, people who choose happiness find nuggets of joy and something to gain from each experience.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy?
I am a fundamentally happy person. Throughout my life, whenever I find myself in circumstances that distract from my happiness, I do whatever it takes to change those circumstances. And sometimes, that change is simply a matter of changing my perspective of a situation—and finding the opportunity in it. I consider life to be an adventure and a privilege and do everything I can to enjoy and get the most out of it.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you find very helpful?
"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."—Abraham Lincoln
* If you haven't seen my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.
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We’ve all heard about studies that show that counting our blessings or doing some kind of gratitude meditation will boost happiness. Some people dismiss the idea, however, with the assumption that you can only cultivate gratitude if you’re the pure, high-minded sort – that you have to ponder silently by a woodland stream, or sit lotus-style on your yoga mat, or at least keep a daily journal if you want to focus on gratitude.
“That kind of thing isn’t for me,” the thinking goes. “I’m too edgy, too irreverent, too ironic.”
But as this YouTube clip shows, gratitude meditations can come in a lot of flavors.
On Late Night with Conan O’Brien, comedian Louis CK’s commentary is edgy and irreverent – and it absolutely reminds us to be grateful of the things we take for granted in everyday life.
I can't embed the clip, Everything's amazing, nobody's happy, but go check it out. My favorite line, about getting a cell-phone connection, "Can you give it a second? It's going to space."
What he said must have resonated with people; Time reports that the video has been viewed more than a million times, which put it as March’s fourth most-viewed clip.
I find it challenging to practice gratitude, and I’m always looking for new ways to cultivate a grateful frame of mind. I loved the fact that watching Conan O’Brien did the trick today.
* One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s okay to ask for help,” and I’m asking for your help. If you consider yourself a super-fan of The Happiness Project (I ask sheepishly), and would be willing to help me out in a few ways, I’d love to hear from you.
First item: before long, I’m going to launch my super-secret, super-fabulous, happiness-related website. I’ll send the super-fans the link ahead of time, in case they’d be interested in being beta testers (i.e., using the site in its early stages, to help work out the kinks before I make it public).
If you’re not interested in that sort of thing, there are some other issues that will come up in the next few months -- all purely voluntary, of course, so if you sign up as a super-fan but then don’t want to do anything, that’s perfectly fine.
If any kind souls would like to sign up, please just drop me an email at
gretchenrubin1[at]gmail[dot com]. (I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual email format.) No need to write anything more than “super-fan” in the subject line, and I’ll put your name on the list.
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“There is indeed a certain sense of gratification when we do a good deed that gives us inward satisfaction, and a generous pride that accompanies a good conscience…These testimonies of a good conscience are pleasant; and such a natural pleasure is very beneficial to us; it is the only payment that can never fail.”—Montaigne, “On Repentance”
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few years ago, a brilliant friend of mine wrote a novel, The Measurement Problem. (You can read it online.) One of the themes of the novel is the fact that measuring a value (or not) changes the way we act on it. As we were talking about this issue, she said, “It’s like Einstein said: 'Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.' "
That idea struck me with enormous force. That's true. But the fact is, if you want something to count in your life, it helps to figure out a way to count it. To put it another way, as one of my Secrets of Adulthood holds, “You manage what you measure.”
That’s one of the key reasons that my Resolutions Chart works so well. Setting myself a concrete task, and measuring each day whether I’m complying with it, makes me far more likely to stick to my resolution.
Difficult-to-measure resolutions like “Find more joy in life” or “Be present in the moment” are tougher to keep than “Once a week, make plans with friends” or “Don’t use my iPod when I’m walking to work.” It’s hard to tell whether you’re getting more joy out of life, but it’s easy to score yourself on keeping a weekly outing with friends.
In my own case, with my workaholic tendencies, I realized that if I didn’t measure certain values in my life, I’d neglect them. My friends like to make fun of my paradoxical resolutions like “Force myself to wander” or “Schedule time for play,” but if I don’t put these things on my calendar and score myself on my Resolutions Chart, I just won’t do them.
Now, some people make the point that measuring isn’t necessarily a good thing. Measuring something stifles it, they argue, or it encourages you to focus on measurable aspects at the expense of more elusive ones, or the fact that you’re measuring an experience shows you’re not experiencing it deeply. After all, when you’re fully immersed in an experience, you don’t stop to measure it.
That’s true. So I suppose I’m talking about how to get to that point. How do you lose yourself in contemplation of the clouds if you’re distracted by This American Life
on your iPod? How do you throw yourself into dancing at a club if you never step away from your computer? In my case, measurement allows me to make sure that such values don’t get pushed to the side—otherwise I’m too preoccupied with answering e-mails or taking notes, because these are tangible items that can crossed off my to-do list.
Even reading. Reading is my very favorite thing to do—in fact, if I’m honest with myself, it’s practically the only activity I really enjoy—and when I’m reading, I lose all track of time or sense of measurement. Nevertheless, one of my resolutions is “Find more time to read.” I measure my reading time to make sure that reading doesn’t get crowded out.
So figure out something you’d like to change in your life—more of something good or less of something bad. Then figure out a very concrete way to measure it and to hold yourself accountable for living up to it. By counting the things that count—and pushing yourself to find a way to count the things that can’t be counted—you make sure they’re part of your life.
* Via the very cool Very Short List, a friend sent me the link to Save the Words. It's wonderful—you roll your mouse over words, each one now sadly underused, and it begs for you to adopt it in your everyday speech. Hard to describe, weirdly addictive.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I am so happy (and relieved)! Over the last few weeks, I’ve been working with my editor on the interior design for my book, The Happiness Project. It’s coming out in January, and this month is the time when design decisions are made: what kind of fonts should be used, what the table of contents and title page should look like, how quotations should be presented, etc.
This is a tough stage for me, as I know from my other books, because it marks the point at which the book becomes a collaboration. Sure, my editor and others gave suggestions about how to improve my writing, but up until now, I've had complete control of what the final version said.
At the design stage, however, other people get involved—people who necessarily have a different vision and different tastes and who have to interpret what I’ve done. And we have to come to an agreement. In a limited amount of time. Without actually speaking to each other. (That’s the rule in book publishing!)
The design people are very talented, phew, but I reacted to the first three versions like Goldilocks with her bowls of porridge. “This design is too organic and outdoorsy.” “This design is too wistful.” “This design is too world-peace-y.” But the fourth design was just right! So many flavors of happiness, so many ways of portraying it.
Sometimes, the happier course is to be satisfied with something that's good enough, even if it's not perfect; one of my Secrets of Adulthood is don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. But sometimes the happier course is to keep striving until you get it right.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 widespread myths about happiness.
Each day for two weeks, I posted about 10 Happiness Myths. Today, for your reading convenience, I’m posting the entire list, with links.
No. 1: Happy people are annoying and stupid.
No. 2: Nothing changes a person’s happiness level much.
No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.
No. 4: You’ll be happier if you insist on “the best.”
No. 5: A “treat” will cheer you up.
No. 6: Money can’t buy happiness.
No. 7: Doing “random acts of kindness” brings happiness.
No. 8: You’ll be happy as soon as you …
No. 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better.
No. 10: The biggest myth: It’s selfish to try to be happier.
Agree? Disagree? Am I missing an important myth?
* A kind reader send me the link to Andrew Sullivan's Daily Dish, which features a very interesting U.S. map showing how happy each state is. I'm from Missouri, and I was surprised to see that it's on the low end. New York is near the high end.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 19,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format–trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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I just got back to New York City; I was out of town for a few days at the SXSW conference in Austin. This is one of the biggest conferences for bloggers, and I’d never been, so I decided to take the plunge this year and go.
It was a lot of fun, and a very valuable experience, and from a happiness-project perspective, it reminded me of several things:
—Novelty and challenge boost happiness. Going to a new city, meeting a lot of new people, being in a different environment all boosted my happiness. Along the same lines …
—An atmosphere of growth brings happiness. I learned a lot at the conference, both from the official panels and from the unofficial conversations I had, and that gave me a feeling of intellectual excitement and growth.
—Taking a break from a common thing can make it seem like a treat. When I got home, just having a kitchen again felt very exciting.
—Used right, technology helps build relationships. Although it might seem that technology pushes people apart or allows them to avoid interacting, actually people use technology to try to connect. Every single person at the conference was eagerly trying to meet in person the people they already knew well online.
—Sleep is important to happiness. Away from my children and my usual schedule, I got more sleep than usual, and I could really feel the difference in my energy level—and I make a big effort to get a lot of sleep, as it is.
One of my ongoing happiness-project challenges is to fight my instinct to say dismissively, “Well, doing X or Y might be useful or fun, but it would be a big hassle, and it would take a lot of time, and probably cost a fair amount, and maybe it would be a big waste.” In fact, I’m always glad when I push myself to try something new. I debated a long time about whether to go to the conference, but I'm very happy that I did.
* It was terrific to meet up with a lot of my fellow bloggers and to hear others speak. Some highlights: Communicatrix, Tony Hsieh, the Fluent Self, Chris Brogan, Career Renegade, IttyBix, Work Happy Now, Escape From Cubicle Nation, Wine Library TV/Gary Vaynerchuk, Shama Hyder, Penelope Trunk, David Eckoff.
* If you want to partake in the SXSW vibe even though you'd never go, start using Twitter.
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"One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself."—Leonardo da Vinci
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for last two weeks, I’ve been debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better.
Happiness Myth No. 10: The biggest myth—it’s selfish and self-centered to try to be happier.
Myth No. 10 is the most pernicious myth about happiness. It comes in a few varieties. One holds that “in a world so full of suffering, you can be happy only if you’re callous and self-centered.” Another one is “happy people become wrapped up in their own pleasure; they’re complacent and uninterested in the world.”
Wrong. Studies show that, quite to the contrary, happier people are more likely to help other people, they’re more interested in social problems, they do more volunteer work, and they contribute more to charity. They’re less preoccupied with their personal problems. By contrast, less-happy people are more apt to be defensive, isolated, and self-absorbed, and unfortunately, their negative moods are catching (technical name: emotional contagion). Just as eating your dinner doesn't help starving children in India, being blue yourself doesn't help unhappy people become happier.
I've certainly noticed this about myself. When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems, I feel that I have more energy to try to take action, I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving.
As I’ve worked on my happiness project, one of my biggest intellectual breakthroughs was the identification of my Second Splendid Truth. There’s a circularity to it that confused me for a long time. At last, one June morning, it became clear:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
Everyone accepts the first part of the Second Splendid Truth, but the second part is just as important. By making the effort to make yourself happier, you better equip yourself to make other people happier, as well. It’s not selfish to try to be happier. In fact, the epigraph to the book The Happiness Project is a quotation from Robert Louis Stevenson: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”
And so ends the series on the 10 Happiness Myths.
* On a positive-psychology listserv, I read comments by Professor Todd Kashdan, and I see he did an interesting study on the relationship of gratitude to happiness—and how men are much less likely to feel and express gratitude than are women. Interesting.
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Happiness Myth No. 8: You'll Be Happy As Soon As You ...
Happiness Myth No. 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better.
Wrong. Although it can be tempting to take a “personal day” when you’re feeling blue or to isolate yourself until you feel better, you’re better off doing just the opposite.
Connecting with other people, even if you don’t feel like it, is more likely to improve your mood—and that's true even for introverts. Any kind of engagement gives you a lift.
In fact, researchers reported that out of 15 daily activities, such as exercising, commuting, or doing housework, everything is more fun with company. They found only one activity during which people were happier alone rather than with other people—praying. To my mind, that’s no exception; the point of praying is that you’re not talking to yourself.
I’ve certainly found this to be true in my own life. I spend most of my days by myself, reading and writing, and I’ve noticed that I always get a big burst of energy and cheer when I have a chance to be with other people. Even if I leave my desk feeling enraged, annoyed, or insecure, I feel better after talking to someone else—not talking about what’s bothering me but just talking about anything at all. In fact, I usually feel better if I’m distracted from my concerns rather than try to discuss them.
So if you just went through a painful breakup and so are tempted to not meet your friends after work but instead stay home on the sofa with the remote control or if you just lost your job and so don’t want to deal with going to the the neighborhood barbecue, make the effort to push yourself out the door. Most likely, you’ll feel better if you do.
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’ve been debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 7: Doing "Random Acts of Kindness" Brings Happiness.
Happiness Myth No. 8: You’ll be happy as soon as you …
We often imagine that we’ll be happy as soon as we get a job/make partner/get tenure/get married/get that promotion/have a baby/move. As a writer, I often find myself imagining some happy future: “Once I sell this proposal …” or “Once this book comes out …”
In his book Happier
, Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy,” the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you’ll be happy. (Other fallacies include the “floating world fallacy,” the belief that immediate pleasure, cut off from future purpose, can bring happiness, and the “nihilism fallacy,” the belief that it’s not possible to become happier.) The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because arriving rarely makes you as happy as you expect.
Why? Because usually by the time you’ve arrived at your destination, you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. You quickly become adjusted to the new state of affairs. And, of course, arriving at one goal usually reveals a new goal. There’s another hill to climb.
In fact, working toward a goal can be a more powerful source of happiness than hitting it—which can sometimes be a letdown. It’s important, therefore, to look for happiness in the present, in the atmosphere of growth afforded by making gradual progress toward a goal (technical name: pre-goal attainment positive affect).
When I find myself focusing too much on the anticipated future happiness of arriving at a certain goal (as I often do), I remind myself to “Enjoy now.” If I can enjoy the present, I don’t need to count on the happiness that is—or isn’t—waiting for me in the future. The fun part doesn’t come later, now is the fun part.
So the arrival fallacy doesn’t mean that pursuing goals isn’t a route to happiness. To the contrary. The goal is necessary, just as is the process toward the goal. Nietzche explained it: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”
* My former boss, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, has launched a wonderful site, Our Courts, a fantastic new resource about civics for students and teachers. There's a great video of Justice O'Connor explaining the site—I was laughing as I watched, because it so captures her personality. My favorite line: "The Founders of our Constitution and our government created three equal branches of government. Like superheroes, each branch of government has special powers, but each one also has certain weaknesses."
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 6: Money Can't Buy Happiness.
Happiness Myth No. 7: Doing "random acts of kindness" brings happiness.
Half wrong. It is true that studies show that if you commit a random act of kindness, you'll feel happier. What’s considered a “random act of kindness”? Giving a flower to a stranger, paying the toll for the car behind you, or putting coins in someone’s meter are typical examples.
Doing something thoughtful for someone else is a surefire way to make yourself happier. Do good, feel good.
However, probably the reason you feel happier is that you’re imagining that you’re making someone else happy (that’s the Second Splendid Truth, Part A)—and that’s not as true as you might think. A study shows that many people reacted to receiving a random act of kindness with—suspicion! (See also Larsen and Prizmic's "Regulation of Emotional Well-Being" in The Science of Subjective Well-Being
.)
This certainly rings true for me. If someone randomly does something kind for me, I’m on guard. It’s not that I have a profound distrust for mankind; it’s just that I’m uneasy if I don’t understand why someone behaves in an unusual way. It’s not the kindness of the act that’s the problem; it’s the randomness.
We don’t expect people to act randomly. A person might feel suspicious when you hand him a flower, for example, because he might think you’re trying to invoke the very strong psychological phenomenon of “reciprocation”: When someone gives you something or does something for you, you feel you must reciprocate. That’s why members of the Hare Krishna Society gave flowers to passers-by in airports. That’s why charities send those complimentary address labels when they ask you for money. (For a fascinating discussion of reciprocation, read the brilliant book by Robert Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
.)
It’s always nice to be nice, of course. It’s not bad to practice random acts of kindness. But if you want to build your happiness based on the happiness you bring to other people—the noblest ways of boosting happiness—it’s more productive to be targeted. Help a co-worker even when you’re rushing to meet a deadline yourself. Go out of your way to help an overwhelmed parent juggling toddlers and grocery bags. Putting money in someone’s meter is just such an unexpected action that there’s a good chance that it won’t be understood correctly.
Maybe some people are attracted to acting randomly because it allows them to be more secretive about their good deeds; some people believe that the fact that you get “credit” for a worthy act somehow minimizes its worth, and along the same lines, some people argue that you can never act with true altruism, because performing good acts brings the pleasure of happiness. My view: all the better!
The fact is, the sight of someone performing a generous or kind act always makes me feel happy. Especially if it’s me! The spectacle of virtue inspires the feeling of elevation—one of the most delicate pleasures that the world offers. As Simone Weil observed, “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” That’s true no matter who is performing that real good.
So perform acts of kindness. Randomly, but even better, not randomly.
How about you? What has been your experience with random acts of kindness—whether on the receiving or the giving end?
* I always like checking out the many fascinating writers on the Psychology Today blogs.
* I'm on Twitter.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. On Friday, I wrote about Myth No 5: A "Treat" Will Cheer You Up.
Myth No. 6: Money can't buy happiness.
Well, money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy lots of things that contribute mightily to happiness.
As the current financial downturn is making vividly clear, money contributes to happiness mostly in the negative; the lack of it brings much more unhappiness than possessing it brings happiness. (Good health is the same way—it’s easy to take money or health for granted until you don’t have it anymore.) People’s biggest worries include financial anxiety, health concerns, job insecurity, and having to do tiring and boring chores. Spent right, money can go a long way toward relieving these problems.
Also, if spent wisely, money can help you boost your happiness. For example, philosophers and scientists agree that having strong ties to other people is the key to happiness, and money can pay for a plane ticket to visit your sister, a babysitter for a date night with your sweetheart, or pizza and beer for a Super Bowl party with friends. Novelty and challenge will make you happier, and money can pay for a trip to France, for a drawing class, for a mountain bike.
Is money essential for developing strong ties to other people or finding ways to challenge yourself? Of course not. But money can make it easier. Some of the best things in life aren’t free.
Whether rich or poor, people make choices about how they spend money, and those choices can boost happiness or undermine happiness. It’s a mistake to assume that money will affect everyone the same way. No statistical average can say how a particular individual would be affected by money—depending on that individual’s circumstances and temperament. Three factors shape the significance of money for you:
* It depends on what kind of person you are. You might want to own a horse, or you might want to own a turtle. You might have six children and ailing, dependent parents, or you might have no children and robust parents. You might love to travel or you might prefer to putter around the house.
* It depends on how you spend your money. Some purchases are more likely to contribute to your happiness than others. You might buy cocaine, or you might buy fresh produce. You might splurge on a big-screen TV, or you might splurge by going to a more convenient gym.
* It depends on how much money you have relative to the people around you and relative to your own experience. One person’s fortune is another person’s misfortune.
The current economic climate underscores that third aspect of the money/happiness relationship: Our happiness is affected by whether we have more or less than we used to have.
My First Splendid Truth holds that “to think about happiness, think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.” We’re made happier by the feeling that we are learning, growing, seeing change for the better. This applies to the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional parts of our lives—and also, for most people, the financial part.
Feeling like we have less than we did—unless that’s the result of a conscious decision—can be a happiness challenge. In one striking study, people were asked whether they’d rather have a job that paid $30,000 the first year, $40,000 in the second year, and $50,000 in the third year or a job that paid $60,000, then $50,000, then $40,000. In general, people preferred the first option, with its raises—despite the fact that at the end of the three years, they would have earned only $120,000 total instead of $150,000.
Their decision might seem irrational, but in fact, the people who chose the first option understood the importance of growth to happiness. People are very sensitive to relative changes in their condition, for better or worse. (Side note: Some people feel like they have more with less, so they get a feeling of growth by simplifying their lives.)
If you feel like you’re worse off now than you were two years ago, that’s an unhappy feeling. Some quick ways to make yourself feel better: Count your blessings; distract yourself with something fun or interesting; find ways to assert control over your situation (even to do something as small as clean out a closet); spend time with friends; or do something to help someone else—you can sign up to be an organ donor right this minute.
What do you think? How do you think of the relationship between money and happiness? Important, unimportant? I think this is one of the most complex and fascinating subtopics within the subject of happiness.
* I love a good manifesto, and here's a great one on Scobleizer.
* If you haven't seen my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.
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"Anything you're good at contributes to happiness."—Bertrand Russell
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On Fridays, I usually propose a resolution for you to consider for your own happiness project, but I'm breaking the pattern to post for two weeks about "happiness myths." Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 4: You’ll Be Happier If You Insist on “The Best.”
Happiness Myth No. 5: A "treat" will cheer you up. Often, not!
It depends on what you choose. Treating yourself to a long walk in the park, say, is a good idea—but the things we choose as “treats” frequently aren’t good for us. When you’re feeling blue or overwhelmed, it’s tempting to try to pick yourself up by indulging in a guilty pleasure, but unfortunately, the pleasure lasts a minute, and then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the blues.
So when you find yourself thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few glasses of wine … some ice cream … just one cigarette … a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself—will it really make you feel better? Or is it likely to make you feel worse, in the long run?
For example, I realized that one of my personal “treats” is the decision not to pick up after myself. Instead of trying to tidy as I go, as I usually do, I let small tasks mount up. “I can’t possibly be expected to hang up my coat, or put the newspapers in the recycling bin, or unload the dishwasher,” I tell myself. “I’m too busy/too frazzled/too upset/too rushed. I deserve a break.”
The problem is that, in the end, the mess makes me feel worse. Maybe I enjoy a tiny buzz from flinging my coat onto the floor, but the disorder just makes my bad mood deepen. (Plus it’s not nice for anyone else, either.) On the other hand, serene, orderly surroundings make me feel better. Outer order contributes to inner calm.
Now, instead of “treating” myself to a mess, I make a special effort to keep things tidy when I’m feeling low. Same with my other guilty pleasures, like skipping going to the gym, eating fake food, not picking up phone messages … although skipping a little duty feels like a “treat” for a minute, actually, I cheer myself up more by doing the things I know I ought to do.
The warning signs: Whenever I tell myself things like, “I deserve this,” “I need this,” or “Today I shouldn’t have to stick to my usual resolutions,” that’s a signal that I’m trying to justify a pernicious “treat.”
How about you? Do you ever “treat” yourself to things that, in the end, just make you feel worse? Or have you found good treats that actually make you feel better?
* I love watching interviews of interesting people, and I was thrilled to discover Obsessed, a new, sophisticated site that features interviews with fascinating guests (e.g., Lisa Stone, Mark Bittman, Peter Greenberg) in conversation with host Samantha Ettus.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.
Happiness Myth No. 4: You’ll be happier if you insist on "The Best."
Maybe not. As Barry Schwartz explains in his fascinating book, The Paradox of Choice
, there are two types of decision-makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met; when they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision; even if they see a bicycle that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until they’ve examined every option.
Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they’re often anxious about their choices. They find the research process exhausting, yet can’t let themselves settle for anything but the best.
As a shopper, my mother is a good example of a “happy limited maximizer.” In some categories, she’s a maximizer, and she loves the very process of investigating every possibility. When my daughters were flower girls in my sister’s wedding, my mother would have loved nothing more than to examine every possible dress, just for the fun of it. In other categories, however, she’s a satisficer.
I’m a satisficer, and I often felt guilty about not doing more research before making decisions. In law school, one friend interviewed with 50 law firms before she decided where she wanted to go as a summer associate; I think I interviewed with six. We ended up at the same firm. Once I learned to call myself a “satisficer,” I felt more satisfied with my approach to decision-making; instead of feeling lazy and unconscientious, I could call myself prudent.
It’s one of the Secrets of Adulthood: Most decisions don’t require extensive research. In some situations, the happier course is to know when good enough is good enough, and not to worry about making the perfect choice.
* I'm on Twitter.
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For the first time since I started this blog three years ago, I'm skipping the Wednesday Tips in order to bring you this series on the happiness myths. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 2: Nothing Changes a Person's Happiness Level Much.
Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.
Wrong. Contrary to popular notion, aggressive "venting" doesn’t relieve bad feelings but fuels them. Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better.
Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. For example, studies show that even an artificially induced smile brings about happier emotions, and a recent experiment suggested that people who use Botox are less prone to anger because they can’t make angry faces. Philosopher and psychologist William James explained: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”
Although this “fake it ‘till you feel it” strategy might seem fake or inauthentic, I’ve found it to be almost creepily effective. You really can change your emotions. It takes great presence of mind, and a lot of self-discipline, but whenever I can manage to act lighthearted or friendly or receptive to criticism or whatever is the opposite of my grouchy, gruff, defensive instinct in the moment, I really transform my mood.
Bottom line: If you’re feeling angry or sad, instead of expressing negative emotions in a dramatic way, try to act the way you wish you felt by finding a calm way to express your feelings—or take steps to distract yourself.
For a discussion of the catharsis hypothesis, check out “The Uses of Adversity” chapter in Jonathan Haidt’s terrific book, The Happiness Hypothesis
.
* I always find a lot that interests me on Marginal Revolution.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m going to debunk one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth #1: Happy People Are Annoying and Stupid.
Happiness Myth No. 2: People have a happiness set point, and no matter what happens to them, before long, they snap back to their usual happiness level.
Wrong.
From time to time, someone says to me something like, “Trying to make yourself happier is futile. People have a genetic set point that doesn’t change. I heard about a study of people who became paralyzed, and after a few months, they were back to their old selves!”
It’s true that there’s a powerful genetic link to happiness—usually it’s estimated to be about 40 percent to 50 percent. Some people are born more Tigger-ish, and others are born more Eeyore-ish. And it’s also true that people are amazingly adaptive, both to good and bad fortune. Human resilience is extraordinary.
However, adaptation has its limits.
About those people who become paralyzed—in a major study looking at the happiness levels of people with disabilities, it turned out that these folks took a big hit when they were injured, and they didn’t all snap back to where they were before. Some, yes, did recover their previous level of happiness, some recovered somewhat, and some didn’t recover much at all.
Major life events can have strong, lasting effects on people’s happiness. For example, although people adapt quickly to marriage, it takes much longer for widows adapt to widowhood. Losing a job, getting divorced—these kinds of events make a significant lasting impact on happiness.
Adaptation varies considerably among people. Some get over changes quickly, while others take much longer to adapt, if they ever do.
This is the way I’ve come to think about this question: People are born with a natural range of temperament, but circumstances, actions, and thoughts can push people up to the top of their range or down to the bottom of their range.
That’s the effect my happiness project has had on me. When I’m in neutral—say, I’m staring out the window of a bus—I’m the same familiar Gretchen. My happiness project hasn’t changed my inborn temperament. (I score 3.92 on a 1-to-5 scale, by the way; take the Authentic Happiness Inventory Questionnaire if you want to test yourself.) The difference is that, because of my happiness project, my daily experience of my life is happier. I have more fun and less guilt. I have more challenge, more novelty, more satisfaction as well as less anger, less boredom, less remorse. That’s how I’ve made myself happier, without changing myself.
If you want to read more about this fascinating debate, check out the chapter “Nature and Nurture: Is There a Happiness Set Point, and Can You Change It?” in Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener’s Happiness and Richard E. Lucas’s “Personality and Subjective Well-Being” in The Science of Subjective Well-Being.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for the next two weeks, I’m going to debunk one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project.
Myth no. 1: People find happy people annoying and stupid.
Wrong. Actually, studies show that people find happy people much more likable than their less-happy peers. Happy people are viewed as friendlier, smarter, warmer, less selfish, more self-confident, and more socially skilled—even more physically attractive.
Instead of finding them annoying, people find happy people attractive. Happy people have more friends and more social support than their less-happy peers. In marriage, they find it easier to get and stay married, and they’re more fulfilled in marriage. At work, they get more assistance from colleagues and supervisors.
It’s true that many people associate happiness with a lack of intellectual rigor. Charles de Gaulle reportedly said, “Happy people are idiots.” Creativity, authenticity, or discernment, some folks argue, is incompatible with the complacency of happiness—if happiness even exists. But although somber, pessimistic people might seem smarter, research shows that happiness and intelligence are essentially unrelated.
(Stay tuned for discussion of the related myth that happy people are self-absorbed and selfish.)
For a fascinating, exhaustive, well-documented exploration of this issue, see Lyubomirsky, King, and Diener’s The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success?
I often wonder why happiness has such a bad reputation. It's more pleasant to be happy, and it's more pleasant to be around happy people, and it's more challenging to be happier than to be less happy—why is happiness so often maligned and seen as lazy and easy? What do you think?
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On her new blog at readersdigest.com, Peggy Northrop wrote about a great idea: After her teenager asked her to stop talking about the economy, she decided to throw a "Cheer Up Already” potluck dinner (where people without a job don’t have to bring anything). Science backs up this idea: Seeing friends is a great way to boost your mood.
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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.