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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of my happiness-project resolutions is to “Forgive an accident.” Now, you might think, why should I try to forgive an accident? After all, if something is an accident, there’s nothing to forgive. Accidents happen, we all know that.
Yes, I know that. Accidents happen. But I still find it hard not to be annoyed – and to act annoyed – in the face of certain accidents. Reminding myself of my resolution helps me to respond in the right way.
Here are just two examples:
1. When we were flying to Kansas City to spend Christmas with my parents, my daughter lost her “functional appliance.” If you’re not current with the latest parlance of orthodontia, this is like a fancy retainer. My daughter is supposed to wear it at all times, except when she’s eating. We were on the plane, she took it out to eat, and the next time she looked for it, it was gone. We all looked, couldn’t find it. We think it must’ve been thrown away when the stewardess took her food tray.
I was annoyed: she wouldn’t be able to wear this thing again until we were back in New York and had managed to replace it; getting a new one would be expensive; it would be inconvenient.
2. Recently, my husband left his wallet in a cab. The second he reached the sidewalk, he realized he didn’t have his wallet, and he raced down the street to stop the cab, but it was gone. He waited anxiously for two days before he had to admit to himself that it really wasn’t coming back. Before that, however, we had to cancel our credit cards.
I was annoyed: we’d put a lot of recurrent and online charges on one of the lost cards, so that number had to replaced many times, by me.
In each situation, I could feel the accident-causer bracing against my possible annoyance, and it was very, very hard to resist the temptation to say things like, “You should’ve been more careful!” “Now we’re going to have all this hassle to fix this!” “How could you have not noticed that you didn’t know where it was?” etc. But I realized – what was the point? My daughter felt terrible, my husband felt terrible. In general, they’re both very responsible (my daughter had never lost her F.A. before, and my husband had never lost a wallet before). They obviously hadn’t done these things on purpose. Why make a bad situation worse?
In each case, once the moment passed, I was very glad that I reacted mildly. (I even came up with a good idea about credit cards: now we have a card that never leaves the house that we use for online charges.) When you’re feeling bad about something you’ve done, it’s awful when someone adds to that feeling – you feel defensive, resentful, and misunderstood. I didn't want to cause that.
Also, one of my Personal Commandments is to Act the way I want to feel; although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. By acting calm and forgiving, I help myself to feel calm and forgiving, instead of annoyed.
The resolution would be more accurately phrased as “Let go of an accident” or “Forget an accident” but somehow I need the little extra kick supplied by the word “forgive.”
How about you? Have you ever felt tempted to react harshly to something someone did, even though it was an accident?
* I loved this little video on Gimundo -- especially because I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to use photographs to keep happiness-project resolutions like “Take time for projects” and “Be a treasure house of happy memories." The Black Lake Island project and Taking tourist photos of my own romance, for example, both use photographs.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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I've started a feature -- the True Rules series. These are concrete lessons that come out of people's specific experiences. Whether you agree with these rules or not, they’re fun to consider.
I was very excited to have lunch with the brilliant Debbie Stier in her office at HarperStudio, which is part of my publishing house, HarperCollins. A few weeks ago, I’d been in a meeting she led, and I'd immediately realized that she was a treasure trove of information about how to use online tools – and specifically, how to use them as a writer.
I came away from the meeting with a long list of things to read and experiment with. One of Debbie’s suggestions was to “Use more video!” so I asked her if she’d give me a True Rule for my video series. Here’s her True Rule:
In case you can’t watch the video, Debbie says: “My True Rule is that you should rock the boat. Don’t let fear stop you, don’t let what other people might think stop you, just push it as far as you can go – rock the boat, take risks, and experiment.”
* Two friends of mine started a fantastic new blog, Drinking Diaries, "where women spill their drinking stories." I was pleased when they asked me to do a guest post -- I wrote about Why I stopped drinking alcohol (more or less).
* Check out my companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox. Great tools to build your happiness -- and the chance to see what OTHER people are doing!
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 14 tips for running a good meeting.
Nothing can drain the happiness from you faster than a long, unproductive meeting. You’re bored; you’re not getting anything done; e-mails are piling up while you sit, trapped.
On the other hand, a productive meeting is exhilarating. A long time ago, when I was working in Washington, D.C., I remember a friend who worked at the Department of Justice saying, “Jamie Gorelick runs a meeting so well, it brings tears to my eyes.”
Meetings come in all shapes and sizes, so not all of these strategies will be useful, but here are some things I try to remember when I’m in or running a meeting:
1. Very obvious: Start on time, and end on time. Once people see that meetings are starting late, the bad habit builds, because people see there’s no point in showing up promptly. Here's one solution for late starts: a friend worked at a law firm that started fining partners $100 if they were late to a meeting, which turned out to be very effective. If the meeting has to run long, say, “We’re not through with the seven points, so can everyone stay fifteen extra minutes to wrap up?” That way, people know that the end is in sight.
2. At the same time, remember that it’s helpful to spend a little time in chit-chat. For a long time, I didn’t believe this to be true, and I tried to be hyper-efficient, but now I realize that it’s important—and productive—for people to have a chance to relate on a personal level. People need to build friendships, they need a chance to show their personalities, they need to establish rapport. Meetings are very important for this process.
3. If some people hesitate to jump in, find a way to draw them out. Ability to grab the floor doesn’t necessarily correlate with capacity to contribute.
4. One of the most insightful things my father ever told me was “If you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility.” Meetings often involve blame-giving and blame-taking, and although it’s not pleasant to accept blame, it’s a necessary aspect of getting responsibility (if deserved, of course). Proving my father’s point, one of my best meeting experiences ever was a time when I took the blame—rightly—for something done by a team of people working with me. Doing this ended up dramatically increasing my organizational credibility on all sides.
5. Share the credit. Along with blame, a meeting is also a great place to give people credit for their ideas and accomplishments. Be quick to point out great work or to call for a round of applause for a colleague. For some reason, people often act as though credit is a zero-sum goody, and if they share credit, they’ll get less themselves. From what I’ve seen, sharing credit not only doesn’t diminish the number of gold stars you get, but it adds to them—because people so admire the ability to give credit. (Gold star junkie that I am, I pay close attention in this area.)
6. Making people feel stupid isn’t productive, and it isn’t kind. A friend has a good suggestion: “Be cheerfully, impersonally decisive.”
7. Have an agenda and stick to it. If possible, circulate the agenda in advance, along with anything else that needs to be read to prepare for the meeting. Make sure people know if they should bring anything. Along the same lines …
8. Never go to a meeting if you don’t know why you’re supposed to be there! This seems obvious, but it’s a situation that arises surprisingly frequently.
9. Standing meetings should be kept as short as possible and very structured. Have rules for canceling the meeting when appropriate—if such-and-such doesn’t happen, if only a certain number of people can attend, etc.
10. Don't say things that will undermine or antagonize other people. Turns out they do in fact notice this, and they don't appreciate it. If you wonder whether you're an offender, check yourself against this list.
11. Be very specific about what the “action items” are (to use the business-school term). Who is agreeing to do what, by when? Make sure someone is keeping track of what is supposed to happen as a consequence of the meeting, and at the meeting’s end, review these items so it’s crystal clear to everyone. Follow up by e-mail.
12. If a meeting is long, schedule breaks when people can check their e-mail and phones. Otherwise, they get very distracted by feeling they’ve been out of touch for too long (for some people, this takes about 10 minutes), and they start sneakily e-mailing under the table. As if no one will notice. Which they do.
13. Meetings should stay tightly focused. If people want a chance to discuss side issues, theoretical problems, or philosophical questions that aren’t relevant to the purpose of the meeting, they should set up a separate meeting.
14. Here’s a radical solution: no chairs. In Bob Sutton’s terrific book, The No A**** Rule
(printed that way not out of prudery but to avoid spamblockers), he points to a study that showed that people in meetings where everyone stood took 34 percent less time to make an assigned decision, with decisions that were just as good as those made by groups who were sitting down.
What am I missing? What are some other strategies for improving meetings?
* BoingBoing is a "directory of wonderful things," and it truly is. You never know what you'll find, but there's always a lot of interesting stuff there.
* For more discussions about happiness, join the Facebook Page.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
One of the most consistently fascinating and provocative writers – online and in print – is Seth Godin. I love his blog, Seth Godin’s Blog, and I’ve read several of his many books. Seth’s field is marketing, but marketing understood very broadly – he often discusses subjects like authenticity, communication, community, entrepreneurship, fulfillment, the future of media, and happiness.
He’s written many interesting books – my personal favorites are Tribes
and Permission Marketing
.
Because I’m such a fan of his thinking, I was very intrigued to hear what Seth Godin had to say on the subject of happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Seth: I honestly believe that external events are a poor predictor (or causer) of happiness. There are certainly things I can do to prompt some short-term happiness, but in general, it's a decision more than an act. For example, every time (every time!) that I go to visit Acumen Fund and my friend Jacqueline Novogratz, I leave happier than I came in.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Don't try so hard.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I used to be able to make myself unhappy by reading anonymous criticism of my work online. No middle ground to the attacks, no way to respond, no happiness. So I stopped.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
I think Pema Chodron's suggestion, "Don't bite the hook," is a really easy way to avoid the dead ends that can so easily get me caught up. One of the easiest mantras I have is flashing back to paddling a wooden and canvas canoe, solo, across Teepee Lake in Algonquin Park. The sun is setting, the water is calm and there's a loon on one side of my boat and a beaver on the other. That works every time.
As for books, the work of Zig Ziglar, Pema Chodron and Ben Zander never fail to work.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I write. I ride my bicycle or strap on my cross-country skis. Forward motion, no wallowing.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I think it's possible to eat your way unhappy. I also believe that whining and complaining never (not once) increases someone's happiness level. On the other hand, sending someone a thank-you note or a small present benefits you far more than it does the recipient.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I spent some unhappy years in my early 20s, and again when my mom died. On the other hand, I've been insanely, positively happy almost every single day for the last thirty years, mostly because I just decided I liked things better that way.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
"Working" is not as good a word as "choosing.” I don't think happiness is a project as much as it is a habit. [I would suggest: For many people, it takes a project to build a habit!]
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Finishing projects almost never makes me happy. It creates a void. I don't much like milestones either. Any event where you're supposed to be a happy is a challenge!
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 23,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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I love Carl Jung (the bits of his work that I understand, which isn’t much), and one of my favorite Jung quotations is, “The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.”
This video clip is a perfect example – found on my friend Lev Grossman’s excellent blog, Nerd World. I love the fact that Jonathan McIntosh had the creative energy and interest to create this mash-up of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Twilight:
[If you can't see the video, the URL for "Buffy vs Edward (Twilight Remixed)--OFFICIAL" is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM]
I connected with this remix on several levels:
-- Take time for projects – clearly Jonathan McIntosh is following that very important resolution.
-- though I’m not a historic Buffy fan, my TV-writer sister has worked a lot with Joss Whedon, so I always take an interest in his work.
-- I love Twilight
, books and movie alike. How much, you ask? I’ve read Midnight Sun. And The Host
.
-- There was a split-second clip from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
, which I recognized, of course. Huge raving Harry Potter fan. I’ve got a ticket to the very first showing, at midnight in a few weeks, of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
.
-- Even my former lawyerly self got engaged in considering the assertion at the end that “This transformative work constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright law.” Why didn’t a case like this come up when I was hanging around courthouses?
Perhaps I should make a new resolution, to “Play with the objects I love.” I’m already doing this with my passion for J.M. Barrie’s The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island. A friend and I are doing an homage to Barrie’s brilliant skeletal picture book – ours is called “Four to Llewelyn’s Edge.” This has turned out to be an enormous undertaking, and so much fun.
Along those lines, I wonder if I could use popular new tools (YouTube, as in the example above, or Twitter, or Facebook, as well as my blog) to shine a spotlight on my more obscure and more demanding passions. I want to highlight the things I love, and to try to entice others to follow me – just as this video made me want to watch old episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer
.
One idea: I’m considering sending out daily Tweets that are quotations from one of my favorite books, Virginia Woolf’s The Waves (bizarre: this book doesn't seem to be for sale on Amazon). I would love doing this. I wonder if the book would be interesting to anyone else in that form – if the beautiful writing would be engaging out of context like that – or if it would be too reductive. Perhaps, as in the video mash-up above, new pleasures could be revealed in a work that is usually read in a different way.
Hmmmmmmm.
* Very apt for this subject -- Bricolage Life. Looking at this blog made me want to sit down and MAKE something.
* Follow me on Twitter. I may or may not be sending out Woolf quotations in the near future.
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"At such moments I don't think about all the misery, but about the beauty that still remains. This is where Mother and I differ greatly. Her advice in the face of melancholy is: 'Think about all the suffering in the world and be thankful you're not part of it.' My advice is: 'Go outside, to the country, enjoy the sun and all nature has to offer. Go outside and try to recapture the happiness within yourself; think of all the beauty in yourself and in everything around you and be happy.'
I don't think Mother's advice can be right, because what are you supposed to do if you become part of the suffering? You'd be completely lost. On the contrary, beauty remains, even in misfortune. If you just look for it, you discover more and more happiness and regain your balance. A person's who's happy will make others happy; a person who has courage and faith will never die in misery!"
-- Anne Frank, The Diary of Anne Frank
, March 6, 1944
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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Two of my happiness-project resolutions are Enjoy the fun of failure and Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
I’m a perfectionist. I hate to be criticized. I’m defensive. I’m thin-skinned. As a result, I really, really, hate to make a mistake or to be connected with things that aren’t perfect.
The problem is, failure and imperfection are quite common (maybe you’ve observed this yourself), and if you aren’t willing to make mistakes or to accept flaws or failure, you can’t achieve much.
Novelty and challenge bring happiness, but they also bring frustration, anxiety, flaws, and failure – in fact, the more challenging the undertaking, the more likely it is to fail or to be flawed.
I often feel myself shrinking away from opportunities or ideas, because I’m worried about doing a less-than-perfect job – even though I know that I’m happier when I create, when I push myself, when I try new things. That’s why these two resolutions are important for me.
Enjoy the fun of failure reminds me to lighten up – to accept failure or mistakes as an important part of a process. It’s okay if something fails. In fact, that’s part of the fun!
Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good reminds me that it’s more important to do something at all than to do something perfectly. Many things worth doing are worth doing badly. Doing something badly is often a necessary stage toward doing it well.
For the past two days, since I announced the link to the Happiness Project Toolbox, I’ve been reminding myself of both these resolutions.
I worked so hard and so long to create the Toolbox, and the site has been tested up and down, both by the designers and also by the wonderful Super-Fans, who were hugely helpful in highlighting problems. We thought the site was working perfectly.
But guess what? It wasn’t. Within fifteen minutes of announcing the link on Wednesday morning, I got a message from a friend telling me that he’d gotten an error message. And so it went.
This upset me a lot more than it should have. In the last two days, every time I heard about a problem with the site, I felt terrible. I hate knowing that it's less than perfect. The negativity bias aggravates this feeling; lots of people have said very nice things, and when I go to the Toolbox I can see that lots of people are using the site and posting great stuff there, and yet the few criticisms – which were more like gentle, friendly notices about problems, rather than criticisms – hit me far harder. Negative is much sticker than positive.
“Enjoy the fun of failure,” I keep reminding myself. It’s a great site, a lot of people love it, I love it, it’s getting fixed. “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”
It's doesn't always work, but it helps. Have you found any good strategies for helping yourself be calmer about accepting mistakes or failure?
* Gimundo has a great time-lapse video that shows beautiful settings across the world. Lots of dramatic movement by clouds and light.
* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. Probably it will work for you, but it's not perfect yet. If you have a problem, you can post it here. But I really, really hope that it will be practically perfect in every way within a very short time.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day or List Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tools to help you boost your happiness.
This is an exciting week for me! First, my book became available for pre-order
. For the first time, the book feels real.
Second, and even more thrilling, the Happiness Project Toolbox is finally ready for prime time. Yes, it’s ready! I’ve been working on this companion site for so long; it’s hard to believe it’s actually going out in the world at last.
What is the Happiness Project Toolbox? As I was working on my happiness project, I invented several methods that helped me to boost my happiness. My One-Sentence Journal, my Personal Commandments, my Secrets of Adulthood, and of course—most important of all—my Resolutions Chart.
I remember exactly where I was when I got the idea for the Toolbox. I was walking up Lexington Avenue, between 77th and 78th streets, when I thought, “Wow, it would be great to have a site where people could chart their resolutions.” About 10 steps later, I thought, “But a site like that should also allow people to keep their one-sentence journals, or post their happiness hacks.” Then it hit me. A Happiness Project Toolbox! I was so struck by the idea that I literally stopped in my tracks—I remember that the woman behind me ran into me and shot me a very annoyed look as she passed.
It was easy to have the idea; hard to turn it into reality. As with so many things in life, if I’d known how challenging it would be, I might not have attempted it. But now that it’s ready, I’m so happy I did it.
Novelty and challenge bring happiness; they also bring frustration and anxiety. In this case, despite periods of frustration and anxiety, I also had a tremendous amount of fun—in large part because of the brilliant, creative people at the Chopping Block, the web-design firm that built the site. They love the project, too—they wrote, “The Happiness Project Toolbox is easily among the best projects in our twelve-year history. We're excited about the potential for building of a large community audience.”
They had a lot of good ideas to add, and also helped me figure out if some of my ideas were possible. For example, I’ve always been mesmerized by PostSecret, and I’m fascinated whenever people post on my blog with their own Personal Commandments, etc. (for example, I think often of one commenter's Personal Commandment, "Choose the bigger life"), so one of my favorite Toolbox features is the ability to see other people's posts—unless they choose to keep entries private, of course. It’s superaddictive to read other people’s Personal Commandments, browse through their Inspiration Boards, learn from their Happiness Hacks … utterly absorbing. (Use the bar across the top to see other people’s entries.)
The Happiness Project Toolbox offers eight free Tools:
• Resolutions: record and track your resolutions.
• Group Resolutions: challenge several people to a group resolution.
• One-Sentence Journal: keep a journal on any subject you like (my online one-sentence journal is “What I’m reading today”).
• Personal Commandments: identify principles to guide your life.
• Secrets of Adulthood: record what you’ve learned so far.
• Happiness Hacks: share your hacks about clutter, exercise, mindfulness, etc.
• Lists Tool: keep any list: to-do, favorite things, things-to-do-before-I-die, etc.
• Inspiration Board: pull together your favorite books, quotations, images, and Web sites.
The amazing Super-Fans group got the first look at the Toolbox. Thanks again, Super-Fans, for your enthusiasm and your efforts! The Super-Fans were great about alerting me to problems. When I sent out the link, I thought the site was perfect, but of course, when hundreds of people tested it, they discovered a lot of bugs. Now it should be working very well indeed.
However, there still may be some issues to iron out. I’d really appreciate it if you let me know if you have a problem (or praise). It would be a huge help, though, if instead of e-mailing me directly, you post to this discussion on the Facebook Page. That way, the Web designers can see your comment and address it, without me needing to act as a go-between. It’s helpful to know what browser (and version) you use and whether you’re on PC or Mac.
I had a great time designing the Happiness Project Toolbox. Check it out! I hope it will help you reflect on your values, keep your resolutions, and pull together material that inspires you. And I hope it’s fun! Please pass the link on to anyone else who would enjoy it.
* If you'd like to work on your happiness project, but are more drawn to the idea of doing it with other people instead of using the Toolbox, sign up here for a starter kit for launching a group for people doing happiness projects. Groups have started from L.A. to Enid, Oklahoma, to Boston.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
I was very happy to get the chance to meet Jacqueline Novogratz, the founder/CEO of the Acumen Fund, a nonprofit venture fund that uses philanthropic capital to build businesses that serve the poor in the developing world. It’s a very interesting strategy for making a difference in the world—“Patient Capital,” which means -- rather than giving money to worthy causes or focusing on markets only -- strategically investing in building enterprises (e.g., providing water, housing, energy) that make poor people's lives better. So far, Acumen has invested about $40 million in forty enterprises in South Asia and East Africa, which has meant more than 25,000 jobs and services delivered to tens of millions low-income people.
She recently wrote a terrific book, The Blue Sweater
, that tells the story of how she left banking to start work as a “social investor.”
The Second Splendid Truth holds that:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
Jacqueline struck me as a very happy person—and partly, she says, that happiness comes from knowing that she’s doing work that is meant to boost other people’s happiness, by giving them lives of greater health, security, and opportunity.
I was very interested to hear more of her thoughts about happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Jacqueline: I love to run in the early mornings, especially with a friend or sibling. I love watching places wake up. I love experiencing nature (even a small part when I’m in the city). I love starting the day with stories and laughter. I love sitting on the floor with women in low-income communities and listening to their stories.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That life is never perfect, and that it is often in its imperfection that we discover life’s greatest beauty.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
Commit to something bigger than yourself. For commitment will set you free.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Running, of course, or a long conversation with a good friend or family member.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
People who live in the future rather than the present often seem to find happiness elusive. I remember a story my mother told me about being a young mother visiting my father who was on a furlough from Viet Nam in Hawaii. She met four older women who were sitting around a table by the pool, sipping cocktails. The women had each made big plans with their husbands to go on Hawaiian vacations “when they retired.” All of the husbands had died before the vacations were taken and so the four women decided to go together anyway, though all regretted having put their dreams off to a day that never happened.
At Acumen, I’m often approached by young people who want to express dissatisfaction in their careers and dream of changing the world. At the same time, they feel they can’t do it until they’ve “repaid their debt, earned enough money to have real freedom, gained all the skills they need.” People, of course, can’t make change until they are ready to do so. But the happiest people on earth are following their true passions, and that always entails taking risks, being uncomfortable and making sacrifices. And those risks and sacrifices only become more difficult as we get older….
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I work on being all I can be and surrounding myself with people who also feel that way, who want to live out loud and give back somehow to the world; and that makes me happy.
* How fabulous! I just discovered Future Me, a site that allows you to send an email to yourself in the future. One of my favorite ways of making decisions is to think about what, in five years, I'll have wished that I'd done. One fascinating feature of the site is the ability to eavesdrop on what other people have emailed to themselves -- and that reminds me of the fabulous site...Wait! Can't say until tomorrow. Stay tuned.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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For a long time, my book felt very … imaginary. Yes, I had a draft in my laptop. Yes, I sent long documents to my editor. But was anything really going to be published as a book? I’ve felt this way with all my books—it always seems like a miracle when a real, actual book is in my hands.
Well, now I’m experiencing the next-best thing to grabbing hold of my physical book. The Happiness Project exists on Amazon! There’s a link, you can pre-order it now (and please do). I’m taking a minute to Embrace a milestone moment.
Now, this link doesn’t boast anything fancy. You can’t see the cover, because I don’t have cover art yet. You can’t see any fun facts—like "statistically improbable phrases" or "number of words" or "fog index"—because the book doesn’t actually exist in the system anywhere. But that link, primitive as it is, is there. The book feels real.
Also, if you’ve been awake nights wondering what my subtitle should be—I know I’ve laid awake nights, thinking about the subtitle—now all is revealed.
Blatant self-promotion alert: If you’re thinking about buying my book, please consider pre-ordering it. A book gets a big boost from pre-orders, because that early support shows that people really are enthusiastic. It’s early, I know, because the book won’t actually be available for several months. But I’ve ordered my copy! And that made me very happy.
* In the news this weekend, I saw that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant—and someone told me that Natasha Richardson's family donated her organs. Have you signed up to be an organ donor? Or told your family that you'd like to be a donor, if that situation arose? If you support the idea of donation, live your values. Putting your values in action is always a happiness booster.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“In times of storm and tempest, of indecision and desolation, a book already known and loved makes better reading than something new and untried … nothing is so warming and companionable.”—Elizabeth Goudge
It's one of my Secrets of Adulthood: the best reading is rereading.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 23,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
For my children’s-literature reading group, I just reread The Diary of Anne Frank. Goodness. I was 14 the last time I read it, and it’s very different reading it as an adult. If you haven’t read it recently, or ever, you really should.
The Diary of Anne Frank got me thinking about many things, most of them too huge to fit into a blog post.
But I was also very struck by one particular point, one small happiness-related aspect of their experience: how the eight people in hiding were so affected by each other’s moods. This isn’t surprising, but the diary powerfully captures this emotional contagion phenomenon.
Despite some difficulties, Anne mostly comes across as a cheery, energetic person with a ready sense of humor, and it seems that the others drew on that cheerful energy, even while they often criticized and nagged her. I was reminded of a resolution I’ve written about before, the resolution to “Shield my joyous ones.”
A prayer attributed to St. Augustine of Hippo includes the line, Shield your joyous ones:
Tend your sick ones, O Lord Jesus Christ;
rest your weary ones; bless your dying ones;
soothe your suffering ones; pity your afflicted ones;
shield your joyous ones.
And all for your love’s sake.
At first, it struck me as odd that among prayers for the “dying” and “suffering” is a prayer for the “joyous.” Why worry about the joyous ones?
Once I started to reflect about my “joyous ones,” I began to appreciate the people I know who are joyous. As part of my happiness project, I try to keep resolutions like Give positive reviews, Leave things unsaid, Let it go, and Sing in the morning—and trying to keep those resolutions has made me understand much better how much effort it takes to be consistently good-tempered and positive.
For example, I remember that one day when we were visiting Kansas City, my father came home from work, and my mother told him, “We’re having pizza for dinner.” As she knew he would, my father answered, “Wonderful! Wonderful! Do you want me to go pick it up?”
We all knew that my father would have answered that way even if he didn’t want pizza for dinner, and even if the last thing he felt like doing was heading back out the door—and that kind of consistent enthusiasm contributes a lot to everyone’s happiness.
And if that kind of behavior makes a difference under the conditions of ordinary life, and is challenging to maintain in ordinary life, it’s hard to imagine both how difficult it would be, and how elevating it would be, to behave that way in the extreme fear and privation of the Secret Annex.
We nonjoyous types suck energy and cheer from the joyous ones. We rely on them to buoy us with their good spirit and to cushion our agitation and anxiety.
At the same time, because of a dark element in human nature, we’re sometimes provoked to try to shake the joyous ones out of their fog of illusion. Instead of shielding their joy, we blast it. For example, it’s easy to make fun of joyous ones’ enthusiasms. Why is this? I have no idea. But that impulse is there.
In his outstanding biography, Samuel Johnson
, W. Jackson Bate describes how upset the temperamental Samuel Johnson became when his joyous, enthusiastic supporter, Hester Thrale, turned her attention away from him.
It is a common mistake on the part of cooler, self-contained natures to assume that those who have a giving and ebullient character are what they are only because they cannot help it—that they are fed from a spring that will never stop rather than a reservoir that can be exhausted. Hence the feeling of stark disbelief or unpleasant shock on the part of others when the reservoir of effort and energy—for it turns out to be a reservoir—is almost gone … the principal reward for those who give lavishly rather than meagerly is the expectation that they remain true to form and continue to give.
We depend on the joyous ones, and we need to remember that their joy isn’t inexhaustible or unconquerable. Now I’m making a real effort to use my own good cheer to support and protect the enthusiasts I know.
Now, obviously, this isn’t the most important lesson from The Diary of Anne Frank. But it’s one lesson.
Do you know joyous ones—or are you one? Do you find that people often feed off that energy, yet also try to squash it?
* One of my most hilarious friends has started a blog, which is now one of my favorites: RealDelia, about "finding yourself in adulthood."
* To join the discussion about happiness on Facebook, join the Facebook Page.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Five big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.
One of the main 12 themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.
When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make—as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes—I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.
I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him—“He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp,” etc.—then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily—but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my e-mails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of how small his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store”—that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.
First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious overclaiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis
, “When husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”
I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or grocery shopping. It’s easy to see that overclaiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to …” or “Why do I always have to be the one who …?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.
Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see no. 4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see no. 3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.
I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
* I had a great time doing an interview with the very funny Rob Sachs of NPR's What Would Rob Do? about how to make conversation with strangers (he'd seen my post on that topic).
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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One habit of mind that I do not have—and which I think does not contribute much to happiness—is the tendency to regret the passing of "the good old days.”
This way of thinking is partly related to age, but not completely. I know many people, quite young, who say things like “People are so much more materialistic than they used to be” or so much more narcissistic, or so much more self-indulgent, or so much less engaged with other people, etc.
Well, maybe so, could be. But I’m skeptical of generalizations like that. For thousands of years, people have been decrying the present and pointing to a more noble past.
For example, take this sentiment: “It is strange that there should be so little reading in the world, and so much writing. People in general do not willingly read, if they can have any thing else to amuse them.” Sounds very current, right? I read someone express exactly this sentiment on Twitter about 30 minutes ago.
So when was it said? In 1783. Richard Burke, to Samuel Johnson.
* The New York Times now has its own happiness blog: Happy Days: The Pursuit of What Matters in Troubled Times. Happy minds think alike.
* There's a lot of interesting debate on the Facebook Page. Join the discussion!
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Part of the challenge of mindfulness—which is one of the top 12 themes of my happiness project—is to keep myself from falling into mechanical thoughts and actions. Instead of walking through life on autopilot, I want to question the assumptions I make without noticing.
My research into cognitive science led me to the concept of heuristics. Heuristics are mental rules of thumb, the quick, common-sense principles you apply to solve a problem or make a decision. For example, the recognition heuristic holds that if you’re faced with two objects, and you recognize one and don’t recognize the other, you assume that the recognized one is of higher value. So if you’ve heard of Munich but you haven’t heard of Minden, you assume that Munich is the larger German city.
Usually heuristics are helpful, but in some situations, our cognitive instincts mislead us. Take the availability heuristic: People predict the likelihood of an event based on how easily they can come up with an example. This is often useful (is a tornado likely to hit Manhattan?), but sometimes people’s judgment is skewed because the vividness of examples makes an event seem more likely than it actually is. Child abduction, say.
I have certain rules for living that I apply—they aren’t really heuristics, in the true sense of the word, but they’re rules I use to set priorities and decide how to spend my time.
Sometimes they’re happiness-boosting, but I’ve started to realize that sometimes they aren’t. In particular, I’ve been thinking about my application of two of my most often-invoked rules:
I’m in a hurry.
Keep it simple.
“I’m in a hurry” is often useful. It keeps me from wasting time. It helps me stay focused on my top priorities. However, I see, it’s part of the reason that I have trouble keeping several of my happiness-project resolutions: Take time for projects; Force myself to wander; Schedule time for play (yes, I see the irony in these resolutions). I want to allow myself time to mess around and to do things that aren’t necessarily productive; constantly telling myself “I’m in a hurry” makes me feel like there’s no time for those activities in my schedule.
Likewise, “Keep it simple” is often useful. What item should I bring to my daughter’s end-of-school party? “Keep it simple” -- so I volunteer to bring paper plates and napkins, not home-baked muffins. Should I have house plants? No, keep it simple. Should we get a fish? No, keep it simple.
But a lot of the things that boost my happiness the most also add complexity to my life. Having children. Writing this blog. My children’s literature reading groups (yes, now I belong to two of these groups). These activities add complications, but they also add happiness. Applied too broadly, “Keep it simple” would impoverish my life.
One good rule I’ve found: if I find myself repeatedly making a resolution without making any headway, I should stop and Identify the problem.
One resolution I’ve made for YEARS is to entertain more. I love people, I love bringing people together, why do I never want to have people over? I realize that every time I start thinking about planning some kind of get-together, my two rules start flashing in my brain: “I’m in a hurry!” “Keep it simple!” These rules tell me that I don’t have time to shop, to clean, to spruce up our apartment, to deal with food and drink; they tell that I don’t have the mental energy to plan a guest-list, send invitations, worry about all the odds-and-ends.
As of today, I’m going to try to replace those two rules with a different rule: I have plenty of time for the things that are important to me. Maybe that will combine the usefulness of the two rules, without the drawbacks.
Do you find yourself repeating your own personal directives – like “Keep it simple” – to yourself? Do they boost your happiness -- or not?
* Sonya Lyubormirsky -- author of one of my favorite happiness books, The How of Happiness
-- has just launched a fascinating, useful iPhone application, Live Happy. It combines her research and the functionality of the iPhone to help you engage in a lot of practices that will boost your happiness. Click here to learn more or to unload the free trial version.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“Practical experience has now convinced me of this: the concept of holiness which I had formed and applied to myself was mistaken. In every one of my actions, and in the little failings of which I was immediately aware, I used to call to mind the image of some saint whom I had set myself to imitate down to the smallest particular, as a painter makes an exact copy of a picture by Raphael. I used to say to myself: in this case St. Aloysius would have done so and so, or: he would not do this or that. However, it turned out that I was never able to achieve that I thought I could do, and this worried me. The method was wrong. From the saints I must take the substance, not the accidents of their virtues. I am not St. Aloysuis, nor must I seek holiness in his particular way, but according to the requirements of my own nature, my own character, and the different conditions of my life. I must not be the dry, bloodless reproduction of a model, however perfect…If St. Aloysius had been as I am, he would have become holy in a different way.”—Pope John XXIII, Journal of a Soul: The Autobiography of Pope John XXIII
, January 16, 1903
A good reminder to keep my the first of my 12 Personal Commandments: Be Gretchen.
* If you haven't watched my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy seeing that.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A while back, I posted about Happiness Myth #7: Doing “random acts of kindness” brings happiness. I wasn’t arguing that acts of kindness wouldn’t make you happy, but only that those acts shouldn’t be random. Random, unpredictable kindness makes people puzzled and suspicious, but purposeful kindness is exhilarating. Non-random doesn't mean that you have to know the people involved; it just means that they have to understand the context of your behavior.
For example, I was talking about this myth on a radio show, and the host recounted that he’d once been stopped on the street by a large man who announced, “I’m giving away free hugs!” and hugged him. This hug, though free and a quite random act of kindness, was not appreciated.
On the other hand, a friend told me a wonderful story about a non-random act of kindness she’d performed. On April 15 a few years ago, she was standing in a post office crowded with people who needed to mail their tax returns. There was a huge line in front of the one machine that dispensed stamps.
When my friend’s turn finally came, instead of buying the minimum number of stamps, she bought $20 worth. Then she went along the line of people behind her, handing each person as many stamps as needed, until she ran out.
The people who got the free stamps were ecstatic – and even the people who didn’t get the free stamps were ecstatic, because the long, slow line got so much shorter so quickly. Everyone was surprised, excited, and laughing.
It makes me so happy to think about this moment! For $20, my friend transformed a miserable taxpaying visit to the post office into a moment of elevation – not just for herself, but for the strangers in line with her. And for me, too.
It reminds me of Henri-Frederic Amiel’s exhortation: “Life’s short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind.”
As the Second Splendid Truth sets out:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
A non-random act of kindness is a great way to put Splendid Truth 2A into practice. Have you ever done (or received) a non-random act of kindness that made you very happy?
* For people who do a lot of work at home, like me, there's a great guest post by Wisebread's Lynn Truong on Jonathan Fields's Awake at the Wheel about Cues to create a work/life balance.
* Join the Facebook Page to swap ideas and insights about happiness. Lots of fascinating comments there.
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Zoikes, yesterday I had breakfast with Deepak Chopra. It was a fascinating conversation – the two of us, along with two other people interested in the same issues. Like an idiot, I didn’t ask if I could discuss our conversation on my blog, so I don’t feel comfortable relating what he said – not that our discussion covered anything potentially scandalous. Mindfulness, love…that sort of thing.
People keep asking me what he had to eat. I was concentrating so hard on the conversation that I wasn’t being very observant. I think he had an omelette, but I wouldn’t swear to it.
Yes, I realize that this isn’t a very satisfying report. Alas!
* I really enjoyed coming across a blog of photographs, By Henry Sene Yee Photography. Lots of humor and acute perception, in addition to engaging photographs.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 22,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tips for working more happily with your colleagues.
Last week's tips offered sixteen suggestions for feeling happier at work by tackling aspects of your work space and your day. But actually, your relationships with your co-workers likely has more influence on your happiness.
Maybe you have lots of co-workers -- or maybe, like me, you work by yourself so you have to fashion your own "colleagues." Here are nine strategies that I've used at various point in my work life:
1. Although some people believe it’s best to keep work life and personal life separate, and therefore avoid making friends with colleagues, for most people, having strong friendships makes work more fun. Science supports this: having close relationships is essential to happiness, strengthens the immune system, and reduces anxiety. However…
2. If you’re in a long-term relationship, avoid creating situations that might put you in the path of temptation. (Here are five tips to avoid having an office affair.)
3. If you work alone, take time to mix with other people. Socializing boosts the moods of introverts, as well as extroverts. I love having long stretches when I work by myself in silence, but I’ve realized that I need to make several appointments each week to put me in contact with other people.
4. Each week, walk around your office and talk to a few people you don’t know well. You’ll feel more comfortable socially, plus knowing more people facilitates work flow. Remember the mere exposure effect, as well: repeated exposure makes people like music, faces, even nonsense syllables, better. That means that the more often you see someone, the more intelligent and attractive that person will seem.
5. Apply the Eighth Commandment: Identify the problem. If a colleague gets under your skin, figure out why. I used to work with a guy who enraged me at every meeting. When I started analyzing his techniques, to understand why he was having that effect on me, I became fascinated with the brilliance of his subtle put-downs. (For a list of his strategies, see my book Power Money Fame Sex
, chapter 3.)
6. Apply the Twelfth Commandment, There is only love. This commandment was inspired by a friend who took a job where she knew she’d have a difficult boss. From the beginning, she told herself, “There is only love.” She doesn’t allow herself to criticize her boss, even in her own mind, and won’t listen to anyone else’s criticism. She says it’s tough to do, but it has made her job far easier.
7. Say “Good morning” to everyone. This is polite, and it will also help you feel like you have a small connection to everyone you see. That makes your workplace seem more friendly and warm.
8. Cut people slack. You never know what's going on in people's lives, and it's always better to err on the side of being forgiving, not taking things personally, and trying to see the funny side of circumstances.
What am I missing? What are some strategies that you've used to work more happily with your colleagues?
* Zoikes! There's a group for people doing happiness projects forming in Enid, Oklahoma that already has 26 members! Fantastic! If you'd like to start a group, yourself, click here for the starter kit. If you want to connect with other leaders starting groups, check out this discussion. If you want to see if a group is forming in your area, check here (this list looks pretty clunky; we'll make it more visually appealing at some point but just wanted to get the list going at this point).
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My post yesterday—about unhappiness—has been bothering me. I feel like I missed some important points, but I’m not exactly sure what they are. The people who commented on the post brought out some important elements, but I still feel like there's more here to wrestle with.
One consideration I forgot to take into account is a Secrets of Adulthood: Happiness doesn’t always make me feel happy. That is, the things that bring happiness also bring frustration, anxiety, boredom, fear, etc. Raising children, starting a blog, going to the gym, traveling in a foreign country … these are some things that bring me a huge amount of happiness, but also a lot of frustration, anxiety, boredom, fear, etc. But although I have bad feelings, I don’t think that’s quite the same thing as feeling unhappy.
The First Splendid Truth holds that to be happy, you need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth. Sometimes people equate “unhappiness” with “feeling bad.” But bad feelings have a different ... flavor ... depending on whether they're accompanying an activity that's fundamentally making me happy or making me unhappy.
For example, I have a low threshold for irritation. I get annoyed very, very easily. My children annoy me, and not owning enough socks annoys me. I willingly (more or less) accept the annoyance caused by the demands of little kids, but why suffer the annoyance of a lack of socks? Just buy some socks! As an under-buyer, this is a real challenge for me—but having enough socks does, in a small way, contribute to my happiness.
On a higher note, my work often causes me to feel anxious, stressed, frustrated—but I love my work, so it’s not hard for me to tolerate these feelings. It’s part of the process of accomplishing what I’m trying to do. But if I had a job I disliked, those emotions might overwhelm me with unhappiness.
So all bad feelings aren’t created equal. A bad feeling can accompany something that will, in the end, lead to happiness—or not.
When people talk about the foolishness of trying to eliminate unhappiness, I think they’re envisioning a life from which all bad feelings had been banished. That kind of life wouldn’t make anyone happy, and it’s not possible anyway. (Even the great St. Therese of Lisieux, with her tremendous spiritual gifts, felt despair and even petty annoyance in her cloistered convent.) The trick, I guess, is to figure out where bad feelings will turn to the good, and where they won’t—i.e., where they’re a necessary accompaniment to an activity that makes you happy or when they’re a sign that you need to think about making some changes.
* I was thrilled when Barbara Arredondo of Mexico's Indigo Brainmedia wanted to interview me about the "proyecto felicidad." I don't speak Spanish, but this site is amazingly fun to visit anyway, because it's so dynamic. And check out the company I was placed in here! Sheesh.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.