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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Season Finale

The Shame Index didn't want it to end this way. But perhaps it's fitting. This has been a trying season of How I Met Your Mother, and last night's season finale was typical: It strained for its laughs and for its moral. And it left the Index fatigued at watching all that effort.
 
Shameful:

—Marshall and Lily deciding to have their first child upon seeing the fifth doppelganger. The Index can see different viewers having different opinions on this absurd notion. Alan Sepinwall liked it, arguing that it was absurdity well-handled. But the Index felt it went too far. HIMYM, at its best, strikes a balance between loopy hijinks and smart observations about the lives of its ambitious young characters. The Index finds it baffling that the writers would throw away the opportunity to explore, with a modicum of seriousness, the momentous decisions about when to conceive a child—and how to balance two careers against the desire to start a family (in New York City no less). By tying the decision to the doppelganger sighting, the series essentially punted on the issue. The writers tried to paper over their cop-out by adding the wrinkle that Lily didn't think Cabbie Barney looked like Barney. But the logic here is fuzzy at best. Despite thinking that Cabbie Barney looked like a pot-bellied Asian man, Lily was ready to conceive the child—it was only Marshall's cold feet that prevented him from sticking her real good. (Sidenote: Ew.) Later, when she mistakes the pretzel vendor for a Barney lookalike, it's offered up as evidence of Ted's dubious observation that "we only see what we want to see when we want to see it." But again, Lily seemed perfectly willing to accept the original Cabbie Barney sighting as evidence of the universe weighing in on her reproductive future. Based on what the Index observed in this episode, it seemed less likely that we see what we want to see and more likely that Lily needs to visit an optometrist. 

—A minor point, but: The fact that when Marshall calls Barney to verify that he is at the office and not driving the cab, we, the audience, see Barney at the office. It was a cheap move. If he's not actually there, don't show us footage of Barney stapling and shredding. Dream up some clever, Sixth Sense-ish way of faking the viewer out. Don't expect us to shrug it off when Barney reveals Marshall had been talking to a recording. (Perhaps we were supposed to think that was Marshall imagining what Barney looked like at his desk, but that's pushing it.)

—Ted's doppelganger speech. Of all the lame things Ted has said over the course of five seasons, this has to be one of the lamest, and strangest: "Eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, these completely different people who just happen to look like us." That's a rather terrifying thought, isn't it? We change so fundamentally, and so quickly, that over the course of five years we can become completely different people? Does Ted really believe that? In what way is he a different person than the guy who was "chasing after some girl he was convinced was the one" five years ago? In what way are Marshall and Lily completely different? Yes, they're now married and contemplating children. Does anyone feel that these facts render them new people who just happen to look like their former selves? (If anything, the most arresting difference in the characters are the physical ones.) The one attempt HIMYM has made at character evolution—the abortive attempt to give Barney a heart by having him fall for Robin—was the defining failure of Season 5, a point Ted's inane speech served to highlight.

—Of course it fell to Robin to receive a crushing emotional blow in the finale of a season in which she has suffered indignity after indignity. She was forced to endure the break-up with Barney, his subsequent misbehavior (egregious even by his louche standards), and now, when she chooses love over her career, she finds herself trounced by Don. (Don, whom we were led to believe was a pants-eschewing buffoon, who then suddenly transformed into a thoughtful, mature, caring boyfriend, and who now summarily chooses to abandon the woman he's supposedly in love with to revive a career he had deep disdain for not months ago—this is the guy Ted wants to be citing as evidence of his doppelganger theory.) The Index has asked it before and feels obliged to ask it again: Do the creators of HIMYM have something against Robin? The Index found himself sitting on his couch rooting for Robin to take the job at the Midwestern news show. To choose her career over romance. It's time you started living, Robin. It's time you let someone else do some giving. You might just make it after all! But it wasn't to be.

—Instead we got ... the almost-kiss between Ted and Robin. Yes, Robin was drunk and brokenhearted. But what about all that talk two weeks ago about not wanting to be in a group of friends with two ex-boyfriends? Now she's moving back in with Ted? And almost making out with him?

—The Estonian sword-swallower. Call the Index a prude, but that was a little much.
 
Awesome:

—"Let's just say there were a few senior citizens who pretended to drown on my watch. And sadly, one who did." 

—The first round of friend telepathy, with Ted debating his interest in nachos while his friends schemed to get him to dye his hair. Probably would have been best to go down the telepathy road only once, but the first trip, at least, was HIMYM doing absurdity right.

—"You're doing surprisingly well in the Baltics."

—Ted's familiarity with the women in his salon (Helen, Flo). 

—The Index didn't love Barney's Borat-lite routine, but he does enjoy it when Barney talks about his blog. His protestations in this episode that the blog has improved were amusing. (Has it actually improved? The Index couldn't be bothered to investigate.)

The Index would like to take this moment to thank the other members of the HIMYM commentariat: Alan Sepinwall, James Poniewozik at Time, Amos Barshad at Vulture, Donna Bowman at the AV Club. It's been great fun reading your work and seeing each week what you all have made of the latest HIMYM offering. Not sure about you guys, but the Index is going to have to do some serious thinking in the off-season about whether he'll continue to follow this series next year. This season had some great moments (Willem ... Dafoe!), and the Index still has an abiding affection for these characters (yes, even Ted), but more often than not, HIMYM was a disappointment this year. The Index found his eye wandering to other slightly shameful but funny series, like Big Bang Theory, a show that lacks HIMYM's heart—it's not clear its core group of friends actually like one another—but is clearly in its prime. HIMYM, sadly, is not. It called in guest-star reinforcements early and often this season, badly botched the relationship between Barney and Robin (damaging both characters in the process), and too often failed in its attempts to say something real about coming of age in 21st-century New York. (Yes, the Index is still stewing over the sexless innkeeper.) The Index hasn't quite given up on the series, but it's lost that appointment TV feeling. Season 6? The Index might ... wait for it ... to come out on DVD.

What did you all make of the finale? Share your thoughts on the episode, your postmortems on the season, and your stories of sexless innkeeping, in the comments.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18,19, 20, 21, 22, 23

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 23

Unlike Marshall Eriksen, The Shame Index has never been accused of being too nice. However, the Index was pretty soft on last night's episode.

Shameful:

—Baggage. The Index is actually torn here. The idea of emotional baggage is a familiar one, and to make it the central concern of the episode seemed at first like a lack of creativity on the part of the How I Met Your Mother writing staff. But the Index would prefer a clever handling of an old idea to a strained handling of a novel but too high-concept idea (The Sexless Innkeeper, e.g.).

—The Index has nothing against Judy Greer, who played Royce, but it was a little distracting that she was just a week removed from her turn as the love interest on another CBS Monday Night comedy, Big Bang Theory. (She had even more baggage in that role.)

—"Uncle Barney wasn't saying kiss." The Index typically enjoys it when 2030 Ted censors his stories for his kids, but this one felt forced; we're supposed to believe Barney was chanting "fuck him"? 

Awesome:

—"Jui...liard trained violinist."

—The salute to Major Baggage. Silly, but one of the Index's favorite running gags.

—"Have you ever seen you walk down the street?"; "His high school mascot was a hug." (Funny lines, both, though the Marshall-is-too-nice B-plot felt like an afterthought.)

—The Wedding Bride. A complicated conceit, but the HIMYM crew pulled it off. The send-up of rom-com conventions was pleasing even if the target was easy pickings, and it was amusing to see the Stella story dramatized through the eyes of Sensei Tony. The pay-off—with Ted's confession in the movie theater tracking with the dialog in the movie—was a particularly impressive piece of sitcom writing. Donna Bowman at the AV Club was distracted by the casting of Chris Kattan and Malin Ackerman, but the Index thought these guest stars were well-chosen.

—"It was one time. I was on cold medicine."

Share your thoughts on "The Wedding Bride" and The Wedding Bride in the comments. Also: The end of the season draws nigh! Share too your hopes and dreams for next week's season finale.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18,19, 20, 21, 22

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 22

It's sad but true: There have been times this season when the Shame Index has been on the verge of abandoning all hope. (That's a reference, by the way, to the inscription over the gates of hell in Dante's Inferno—"lasciate ogne speranza," in the original.) But the image of Peter Bogdanovich, alone in an elevator, trying out Marshall's Willem Dafoe frog/parrot theory just might make up for all of How I Met Your Mother's stumbles this season. An utterly bizarre and truly hilarious moment. The Index has no idea how HIMYM convinced Bogdanovich to do it, but kudos to them for asking and him for saying yes.
 
Shameful:

—Robin's back? After all that, her separation period consisted of sitting out Robots vs. Wrestlers? The Index realizes that it's not entirely clear how much time has elapsed in HIMYM time since the previous episode, but still, her exile was hardly Dantesque in its duration. Not that the Index wasn't happy to see her, it's just that once again the show built up some serious drama, then didn't seem to have the courage to really deliver on it.

—No sight of Don. Alan Sepinwall made a good point in his recap of last week's episode, pointing out that "when Ted or Robin are in an ongoing relationship with someone outside the group of late, we tend to only see their girlfriend/boyfriend at crucial moments in the relationship." As Sepinwall notes, this may simply be a budget or scheduling issue. But if HIMYM wants us to take Don seriously, it'd be good to see more of him and Robin together. All we learned this episode is that in addition to making a mean hand roll, Don can apparently also do Chinese.

—Marshall and Lily's baby talk. The Index gets it, this is an impending storyline. It could well be an interesting one. But last night's episode labored to establish it. (That said, Marshall and Lily's rat-a-tat-tat discussion of how far down the road a baby might be was quite funny, and expertly delivered: "might want to get in the right lane.")

—The overuse of "douche." It was as if the HIMYM writers read this New York Times article and decided to see just how far the network would let them push their new liberties.

Awesome:

—The Shame Index has his own Marisa Heller—he just got her Crate and Barrel catalog yesterday—and thus he appreciated this plot strand. Also, as a Mad Men obsessive in good standing, the Index was tickled to see Helen Bishop (Darby Stanchfield) in town from Ossining.

—HIMYM fanatics love a good callback. The Index does too, though he feels the series occasionally leans too heavily on the practice. But the return of the doppelgangers last night was surprising and well-integrated into the plot.
 
—The gang's habit of interrupting Ted's erudite asides. (But first, one question: How is it that we've never seen this behavior before? We haven't, have we? This was hardly the first time we've seen Prof. Mosby wax pretentious.) This quibble aside, the Index loved this plot. It was interesting for the show to explore the ways in which the gang does not satisfy Ted's intellectual streak. And the episode made a keen observation about friendship—different friends bring out different sides of our personalities, and our closest friends don't always appreciate the enthusiasms we hold dear. For all their qualities, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney aren't really in the habit of engaging Ted's more refined side; mostly they roll their eyes when he starts nattering on about a portico or the Prairie style. It felt entirely believable that he would fall for a crowd that would listen raptly as he recited the opening lines of Inferno in the original Italian. (It was legendary, by the way, how much Dante HIMYM slipped into last night's episode—has that much terza rima ever made its way into primetime television? The Index doubts it.) And as a matter of composition, the HIMYM writers did a great job of establishing Ted's rarified interests in the first half of the episode (wine, crosswords, lyric baritones, Emerson, Dante) and then having the party, hilariously, provide him with an opportunity to flex all of those muscles. "Thank you, Will Shortz!"

—Relatedly, the Index enjoyed Barney's creeping dread that he will be left behind when Marshall and Lily have a kid (and Ted either gets married or eaten by his cats). Though Barney played it in his typically over-the-top fashion, this, too, felt like a real concern that would crop up among friends of this age. The Index liked that that 2030 Ted admitted in the closing voiceover that the gang did occasionally drift apart over the years, as gangs of friends tend to when careers, spouses, and children intervene. But it was also sweet to learn that Barney's prophecy that Robots vs. Wrestlers would become a sacred tradition came true.

—The reveal that Robin has taken Lily's call while on-air. 

—Lily wanting to do Marisa Heller in her terrible British accent.

—"That's my favorite book of madrigals!"

—Pretty much all of Marshall's fish out of water behavior at van Smoot's party: His request for mini-cheeseburgers, or really "any food at all that would make me feel like a giant"; his striking of the gong to get Ted's attention ("Gongs: They're louder than you think"); and the aforementioned theory of Dafoe.
 
—Oh, and: "His wife's a 500 year old relic who hasn't been struck since the premiere of the Mikado in 1885."

All in all, one of the strongest episodes of the season—and the Index didn't even get to the part where Barney hit on Arianna Huffington. Share your thoughts, and favorite passages from the Commedia, in the comments.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18,19, 20, 21       

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 21

Paging through the current issue of Entertainment Weekly, the Shame Index wondered aloud why the creators of How I Met Your Mother told Michael Ausiello that there will be a new Robin Sparkles video next season. Getting a little ahead of ourselves, aren't we? But perhaps we now have our reason: The folks at HIMYM wanted to reassure die-hard fans that despite her abrupt departure from Ted's apartment last night, Robin's not going anywhere.

Shameful:

—Ted's appletini. The HIMYM writers didn't waste much time thinking about clever ways to make Ted seem gay to Don, dipping lazily into a series of well-worn stereotypes. He doesn't follow sports! He likes to cook! He likes girly drinks! That last was especially galling—not so much for the stereotype, but because that drink belongs to one Dr. John Dorian.

—Barney showing off by chasing a jalapeño with a mound of wasabi. Spicy food is spicy! More laziness.

—It's been a long season for Robin. On the one hand, the Index was happy to see her assert herself last night—this was a more empowered Robin than the weepy one we saw a few episodes back. But the Index couldn't help but be a little irritated that we were supposed to believe that Ted and Barney aren't over her. Barney bequeathed his super date to Robin and Don just a few episodes ago; all of a sudden he's jealous? The Index supposes that's possible, but it seemed expedient. Meanwhile Ted is willing to sit idly by as Robin and Barney have a torrid romance, but the minute she floats the idea of moving in with Don, he's back in the hunt? Because of a letter he calligraphed a couple years ago? Again, the Index was pleased to see Robin doing what's right for Robin, and it will be interesting to see how this unfolds over the remaining episodes this season. But the setup felt forced.
 
Awesome:

—The twin beds B plot. Vintage Marshall and Lily—and well-observed details about the problems inherent in spooning. One quibble, however: Marshall complains that Lily is always slapping him in her sleep—"it's like spooning with an Indian deity"—but in the previous episode we learned that Marshall is always accidentally hitting Lily in his sleep. Once they nod off, do Marshall and Lily have a 12-round, no holds barred, battle royale?
 
—"A dirty, dirty sex bed ... and a beanbag chair for special birthday stuff."

—"Do you want to push them together?"

—Ted's "for my biographer" box. Yeah, he'd have one of those.

—Barn Door

—Ted's bizarre bear noises

—Robin's habit of not replacing the milk was threaded nicely through the episode. Though if anyone was surprised that her room was empty when Ted bounded in at the end, the Index will eat a whole jalapeño.

A question for Shame Index readers: How do we feel about Don? The Index was skeptical from the start, but confesses that Don comported himself well last night. Almost too well—remember how buffoonish he was when we first met him? All of a sudden, he seems so ... pants-wearing.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20   

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 20

—While Ted's new house was certainly in need of a serious renovation, likening it to Guantanamo Bay wasn't particularly apt, tasteful, or funny.

—The Barney-Robin crying sideshow. The Index doesn't feel this was acutely shameful, but it wasn't awesome either. Why, for the second week in a row, hit the note that Barney's a serial fabricator? The Index did, however, thoroughly enjoy the scene between Barney and Ted's mother, which was wonderfully choreographed, from the hilarious, in media res opening—"and that's how you got the broach!—right down to the accidental brushing of hands as the two reached for the dial to turn up the volume on "Night Moves."

—Sadly, the perfect selection of Bob Seger's classic was marred by the obligatory use of CSNY's "Our House" later in the episode.

—Ted's weak toast. That's the best you can do, sappy, prolix Ted Mosby?

Awesome:

—Pretty much everything Clint did or said. Volunteer fear fighter!

—"Kids, there was no guitar."

—"It's like the last 35 years of my life never happened!"

—Drunk or Kid. The perfect Marshall Eriksen game. ("I came out of that coma in under a week.") Only slightly tarnished by Marshall's treacly speech about Ted's heart being both drunk and a kid, which belongs on the Shameful ledger.

—"It's going to be a total sausage-fest!" Especially given that what seemed like a throwaway turned out to be a set-up for Marshall's sweet housewarming sausage-fest at the end of the episode.

—"I am so baked right now. I'm only sixty percent sure you're actually standing in front of me."

—Though one hundred percent of the HIMYM viewing audience saw it coming, the reveal that Ted's 2010 money pit will be his home in 2030 worked, at least for the Index. A nice little bit of back-story—How I Met Our Mortgage, if you will.

Share your thoughts on the episode in the comments. Efforts to explicate Clint's wedding song will be given extra credit.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 19

The ball was in his court. I wanted my sunglasses back. Of course I wanted my sunglasses back, but I was conscious, also, of the historic importance of this encounter. In terms of development of his species, the step the monkey was about to take—the step I hoped he would take—was on par with Neil Armstrong's giant leap from the Lunar Module to the dusty surface of the moon.

"It's down to you," I said. "You've got a straight choice. You can leave the sunglasses and take the 'nanas. In other words, you can start evolving. Or you can take the 'nanas and make off with the glasses as well. But if you do that, you'll just be a fucking chimp for the rest of your days."

The Shame Index won't spoil what happens next, but he encourages you to visit the Amazon page of Dyer's novel and to read this excellent passage. (You can find it using Amazon's "Look Inside!" feature; it begins on page 253.) The scene lasts but three short pages, but the Index is confident it will bring you more joy and edification than spending any more time thinking about last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother. (Among other things, Dyer's invocation of Neil Armstrong is much funnier than Barney's ridiculous astronaut story, his second NASA-related gambit this season.) But if you insist:  

Shameful:
  
—Mayor McWoof and the doll fetishist. The crazy denizens of Robin's morning show are often a reliable source of laughs, but McWoof was too broad and the doll man too familiar.

—Ted's model of the Empire State Building. Isn't Ted supposed to be a distinguished professor of architecture at Columbia University? What is he doing building a model that looks like it came from a kit purchased at a Times Square gift shop? (Credit where credit is due: The Sleepless in Seattle bit was funny.)

—Lily's monster voice ("I said clip"). Why have the HIMYM writers insisted on going back to this well over and over this season?

—The montage of Marshall accidentally hurting Lily. A funny notion, that Marshall would have a track-record of unintentionally doing physical harm to his petite wife. But the choreography was poorly handled—the freezer door incident was badly blocked, and the final punch to Lily's masked face was too violent. Less would have been more here.
 
—Marshall's story about having been mugged by a monkey. This plot just did not work for the Index, and as a result, the episode lost him pretty much from the start. Marshall's concern about Lily obtaining a gun seemed overheated. Why would Marshall feel he needed to concoct this absurd tale in order to prevent Lily from buying a weapon? (Lily's enthusiasm for gun ownership, breezily established, seemed to have more to do with the excitement of firing off rounds than with concern for her own or her husband's safety.) But this is a minor complaint. The larger issue here is that the monkey story failed as a rumination on truth in storytelling. Throughout HIMYM's run, Ted's reliability as a narrator has consistently been called into question in amusing ways, whether he's trying to make himself look like a hero to his kids or simply trying to shield them from some of the more tawdry details or coarser language in his tales. The sheer ridiculousness of Marshall's lie, and its unconvincing purpose, left the Index not caring one way or the other what was true. The episode's lessons about truth and lies, meanwhile, were as painfully on the nose as the blow Marshall delivered to Lily on Halloween. Even the episode's finale, where we're left to wonder whether King Kong might actually have been reenacted in miniature on Robin's set, felt contrived, a lame attempt to tie together a bunch of silly details into the moral of the story.
   
Awesome: 

—Arthur, the pizza delivery man: "Marshall there's a cartoon of you on our coupons."

—Barney's "Marshall likes pizza so much ..." joke. A genuinely odd, genuinely funny moment. 

—"I'll allow it." The Index is a sucker for Marshall's Barbri humor.

—"It really is a jungle out there"; "Well, he's behind bars"; "There was a tail on him." Not nearly enough to rescue the monkey mugging plot, but the Index does enjoy it when the gang gets on a roll.

The Index swears he isn't just mad at this episode because Barney said that journalists lie all the time. Come to the episode's defense in the comments, and/or share your thoughts on literature's greatest moments in monkey-mugging.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 18

Just when the Shame Index thought he was out, How I Met Your Mother pulls him back in. Last week's attempt to retroactively complicate Robin and Barney's relationship left the Index in high dudgeon. This week's episode, by contrast, was completely disarming. A clever central conceit, a series of amusing gags, a modicum of drama, and a heartwarming but not too saccharine conclusion. This is the way it should be.

Awesome:

—Lily's birthday tiara.

—Marshall's theme for for this year's celebration of Lily's birthday ("Spanish interlude"); the birthday games he devised ("Lilial Pursuit," "Gilding the Lily"); the birthday song he wrote ("Happy Happy Lily Day"); pretty much all of Marshall's elaborate birthday plans.

—"You're just saying camera words."

—The run of skanks that Ted has insinuated into important group moments. (The Shame Index thought the word skank was perhaps poorly chosen—how many skanks have we seen Ted bring home? Not usually his style—but maybe it's exactly the word we'd expect from an enraged Lily.) Of particular note were the strident Strawberry and the girl who managed to obscure Slash in the photo at MacClaren's. And the Index always welcomes another glimpse of Ted's tumultuous relationship with Laura Prepon's Karen.

—"Fun fact: Each year my mother has Easter tea with her friend Bunny." That was a fun fact, Robin—don't let the others tell you otherwise!

—Ted's inability to remember Leilani's name.

—Barney always takes a good picture; Marshall always takes a bad one.

—"Does this hot piece of ass look like she's 42 to you?"

—All of the flashbacks to the college days, but especially the final one, in which Ted invited Lily to join the roommate photo. It was a sweet moment but not a cloying one, felt true to Ted's character, and provided a clever resolution to the standoff between Ted and Lily. An excellent piece of plotting.

—Barney's cilantro allergy, and the final group photo. It had been too long since the kicker to an episode had really worked, but last night the writers expertly applied the icing to the cake. Happy 42nd, Lori.

 Shameful:

—"I put a bow on it." (This was actually kinda funny, but the Index needed something to be ashamed of, and generally speaking, Marshall is funnier when he's not working bleu.)

The Index has strong feelings about the importance of keeping birthday celebrations intimate, and thus could commiserate with Lily. Is the Index being too easy on this episode? Was there shame here the Index didn't register? Share your impressions in the comments, and bring a friend.

Update, 8:49am: Be sure to check out James Poniewozik's latest HIMYM Watch post, in which he discusses how last night's episode addressed an essential question: Why are these five people friends? 

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 16

CBS put its comedies into reruns out of deference to NBC's Olympics juggernaut, so it had been a couple of weeks since the last installment of How I Met Your Mother. The Shame Index, an aspiring Nordic skier and adamant supporter of Julia Mancuso's tiara, thoroughly enjoyed the XXI Winter Games, but had one issue he'd like to take up with the planners in Vancouver: No Robin Sparkles. The Index would have slotted a performance of "Let's Go to the Mall" in the closing ceremonies, somewhere between Inward Eye's "Day After Day" and Neil Young's "Long May You Run."

Awesome:

—Barney's catalog of failed "bait." Slot machine: too fun. Trampoline: too dangerous.

—Teacup pig: just right.

—The revelation that a Wu-Tang poster played a key role in Marshall and Lily's courtship. The Index wonders if Marshall set the mood by playing one of the more romantic numbers in the Wu Tang catalog. "Ice Cream," perhaps, or "Camay."

—"On the hook": The Shame Index has complained this season when HIMYM has constructed episodes around strained concepts—the sexless innkeeper, for example, which failed to elicit laughs or describe romance in 21st century New York. (It was like a bad riff on the New York of The Apartment.) The hook, by contrast, was a sharply observed phenomenon, one the Index suspects most HIMYM fans have experienced, either as hookee or hooker.

—"No money changed hands."

—Marshall's complexion circa 1994. (Also: What hip hop artist do we suppose was featured on the poster 1994 Marshall was so eager to show off? The Index's educated guess.)

—What it took to get girls in 1994 St. Cloud: A LeBaron convertible and an in at the roller rink.

—Ted's inadvertent proposal to Henrietta. A little telegraphed, but still an amusing set-up. Though poor Henrietta. The Index admired her work with ice sculpture, and hopes she finds a man who appreciates her talents.

Shameful:

—Carrie Underwood. The Index actually thought she was fine in the part; the Index is just getting tired of all the cameos this season. [Ed. note: The Shame Index, a longtime admirer of Jennifer Lopez's work, reserves the right to praise her forthcoming cameo.]

—Hot female professions down the ages. What might have been a funny bit was tainted by the lameness of Barney's laugh lines. The Index gets it, they were supposed to be corny, to go with Barney's wink, but a homo erectus joke? Not even 1994 Marshall would laugh at that. And are the HIMYM writers, who earlier this season showed us a different side of Barney during his short-lived romance with Robin, now only going to use him in high-concept set pieces about sex? That would be disappointing. (The Index confesses that he enjoyed the specificity of Barney's prediction that soon, Pharma girls will start looking like "the crew on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock." There's nothing becoming about those chinos Southwest forces on its flight attendants.)

—Marshall's professed belief that the Lunch Lady Scooter was a scooter for lunch ladies. Come on. That's just silly.

—The entire Scooter subplot, actually. The teacup pig was undeniably adorable, but this storyline didn't really go anywhere.

—Barney's psychotropically altered behavior in the kicker. As with the Scooter plot, not terrible, just not particularly inventive or funny. A wasted opportunity. Would have liked to see Henrietta walk into McClaren's with some hunkier-than-Ted dude on her arm.

Index readers, what did you make of the episode? Share your thoughts in the comments. And happy Tijuana Tuesday.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 15

The Shame Index admits he was too lazy to get up from the couch on Sunday night to fetch his phone and dial (877) 987-6401. Surely an account of what awaited callers would show up on the Web in due course. Sure enough, it did. Still, in the spirit of doing his own reporting, the Index decided to dial the number shortly before tonight’s episode. But to no avail—busy signal, over and over again. How I Met Your Mother’s Super Bowl Easter Egg seems to have been a success, with curious viewers lighting up the phone lines right up through this evening. Too bad CBS used its biggest stage to promote a truly dreadful episode.

Shameful:

—Barney’s Super Bowl gambit. The conceit made no sense: Why would holding up a sign at the Super Bowl with your phone number on it produce a constant stream of calls from beautiful, easy women? The writers didn’t even try to sell the joke; we were just supposed to accept this bizarre premise. The Index might have considered suspending disbelief had the concept been funnier. But the magic phone had none of the cleverness of “the perfect week,” and coming on the heels of that episode—another in which Barney binged on sex—it tried the patience.

—The lame montage of Barney almost bedding woman after woman, only to be tempted by another call.

—A wasted visit from Ranjit, who seems to have been present only to give Ted the ridiculous idea that what he needs is an arranged marriage.

—The lame montage of Marshall and Lily frantically looking for a woman to arrange marry to Ted.

—The lo-fi special effects that by turns showed Don with rabbit ears and a duck bill.

—The continued romantic humiliations of Robin Scherbatsky. Last week she was blown off by a dweeb, this week subjected to The Naked Man by the still-more-irritating-than-funny Don.

Awesome:

—The Naked Man has its own Wikipedia page.

—“That’s what I call having a woof over your head.” HIMYM’s writers once again come up with a great snippet from Robin’s telecast.

—Teddy Westside. The Index is a stone cold sucker for the embarrassing nicknames Ted bestows upon himself. (Cf., T-Mos.)

—Barney’s attempt to appropriate Ted’s embarrassing nickname.

—Lily and Marshall crediting their love to the Wesleyan housing department "and a splash of Drakkar Noir."

—The long, nasty fight over whether rabbits or ducks are the superior species. Amusing arguments put forth by both sides, although the Index, as in all things, sided with Marshall, and was disappointed to see him fold. Ducks are mean.

This is the first Shame Index to post since Slate instituted its new commenting system. The Index is looking forward to a lively debate with readers on the merits of this episode. Is the Index being too hard on it? Too hard on Don? Too hard on ducks? And, finally: Did Jim Nantz’s retrograde Flo TV ads during the Super Bowl not give you that much more respect for how well HIMYM deployed the CBS sportscaster last week?

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 14

The Shame Index recently retired as a sports fan, but he's not so far removed from the sporting life that this episode's significant charms were lost on him. How I Met Your Mother fans were abuzz a couple of months ago when news broke that Yankee heartthrob Nick Swisher would make a cameo this season. But in the event, the show was stolen by another sports figure: CBS's own Jim Nantz.

Awesome:

—Nantz: Time's James Poniewozik asked last night on Twitter whether Barney's dream interview, were his imagination not circumscribed by CBS's corporate imperatives, would have been conducted by Bob Costas, not Nantz. While Costas is the bigger name, and thus might have been Barney's true wish, the Shame Index isn't sure he'd have been the funnier choice. That's because Costas is funny—a quick wit, and a practiced raconteur of comic sports tales. (See, e.g., this endearingly lo-fi compilation of his Letterman appearances.) Nantz, on the other hand, is forever playing straight man to more lively color commenators and sports personalities. But Nantz's status as the milquetoast man-in-the-blue-network-badged-blazer is what made it so hilarious to hear him say things like "Over two hundred women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty." And "I think she has a thing for the Barnacle." And "You don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids." And "Our toothbrush?"

—The baseball gags: Ted eating a hot dog and calling for his beer at MacLaren's as if he were at a ballgame; the amazing pitcher/catcher consultation between Ted and Barney (he shakes off "the heater" and "high and outside," before deciding on the girl with the mini-burgers, "the slider"); the hats Marshall makes commemorating Barney's historic feat ("I was going to do shirts but then you have to guess sizes, feelings get hurt, it's a mess").

—The gradual realization that Lily, Marshall, Ted, and Robin had for long stretches of the previous eight years been using the same toothbrush. (Though how did this happen? How did no one notice when a new toothbrush appeared and they hadn't bought it? Marshall and Lily might have just assumed the other spouse had replaced it. But Ted?)

—Marshall's sudden realization that his use of a certain performance enhancing drug has led him to present a certain well-publicized side effect.

—"Barney's whole life is a cry for help."

—"Phil Rizzuto. Holy cow that guy had game."

—"Mookie Wilson: Is that a thing?"

—Barney's induction into the Hall of Game. Specifically, Marshall's wish that Barney's performance be recalled for generations, which set up Ted's sarcastic "Yeah, I'm totally going to sit my kids down one day and tell about how Barney nailed seven girls in a row." Which in turn set up Ted 2030 to ask "Am I a bad dad?" As much as we HIMYM fans enjoy Ted's stories, it's good for the series to acknowledge from time to time the absurdity of the conceit that he is telling these ribald tales to his adolescent children. The kids nailed the reaction shot.

Shameful:

—Cook Poo: Gross, vaguely offensive, not funny.

—More romantic embarrassment for Robin. When are the writers going to give her a break? Is she really going to be this hard-up until the not-so-eagerly awaited Don plot kicks in?

Don't look now, but HIMYM has a little streak of its own going: a nice string of episodes since the mid-season break. Or is it a jinx to mention it?

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

[Update, 9:12 a.m.: The Shame Index is ashamed to admit that he originally misspelled Jim Nantz's name.]

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 13

The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 12

—"Hard Lemondade? You know what, Boomer, you can keep that."

—The list of professions held by the women Barney has slept with, especially the rhyming section ("a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker") and the detail that he's bedded both professional and amateur equestrians.

—The cutaway to Barney waterskiing while suited-up. A simple yet well-executed gag.

—Barney's secret suit locker in the McClaren's men's room.

—Barney in suit withdrawal, smearing his face into Marshall's jacket.

—The Tim Gunn cameo: Clever to cast him as the tailor, a nice play on his catchphrase, and the right touch of meta-ness, describing him as "TV's Tim Gunn."

—Bob Saget. This episode made particularly good use of the interplay between the action in 2010 and the narration in 2030. Bob Saget Ted: "I didn't know it, but I was about to hear the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry." Cindy: "She's a whore." And then just a bit later in the same scene. Ted: "Look at me. I promise I'm not going to fall in love with your roommate." Bob Saget Ted: "Oops."

—Ted's dream of having triplet schnauzers named Frank, Llloyd, and Wright.

—The musical number. The writers didn't go out of their way to explain why there was a show tune dropped into the episode, but it was exactly the kind of performance you could imagine Barney imagining, and Neil Patrick Harris just plain sold it. The Shame Index especially enjoyed his use of a lint roller as a microphone, and his gift of a doublebreasted suit to that dachshund. And that Barney managed, in the end, to get the girl and the suits.

Shameful:

—Ted Mosby did not know school policy on dating students? The Shame Index does not believe this for a second.

—The near misses with the mother were at once tantalizing and mildly shameful. It's undeniably fun to see Ted get so close, to learn the origin of the little yellow bus (a gew-gaw the Shame Index admits to not having noticed before), and to get the latest on the fated yellow umbrella. And while some of the details we learned about the mother were somewhat blah—she, too, enjoys the work of T.C. Boyle—others were charmingly quirky, and exactly the kind of thing you could see Ted finding irresistible: her hobby of painting robots that play sports, her knack for making breakfast foods sing show tunes. (Another great Saget interpolation: "Your mother's rendition of ‘Memories' as performed by an English muffin is, to this day, the most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard.") Still, by the end of the episode the nearness of the misses—Ted hefted her bass! He glimpsed her ankle!—was beginning to cross the line into teasing territory.

—It would have been nice to see Marshall have more to work with in the 100^th episode—he was basically left to coo over Lily. (The Shame Index, for the record, sides with Marshall: Alyson Hannigan is totally hotter than the hot bartender.) The joke about the bartender, did, however, take on new life when Lily confessed her appreciation for the woman: "That ass. I'd wear that thing for a hat." Robin, too, was given little to work with here, though at least we were spared another Don sighting.

All in all, a highly enjoyable episode. Let's hope the second half of the season follows ... wait for it ...

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 11

Yet another disappointing episode for HIMYM, which just can't get in a rhythm this season. Each week seems to bring news of a new upcoming guest star—New York Yankee Nick Swisher recently joined a list that already includes Amanda Peet and Tim Gunn. But the series doesn't need more cameos. It needs to take better care of the characters we already know and love.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 10

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Special Frosty Edition

A few weeks ago, the Shame Index declared Episode 7, "The Rough Patch," the worst of the season. The Index stands by this pronouncement. However, the good people over at the CBS Eyelab have taken that lemon of an episode and made it into an ice-cold glass of lemonade—by expertly mashing it up with the classic Frosty the Snowman animated Christmas special. Enjoy:

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Glamour Girls from Planet Opulence

On the occasion of the eighth Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, airing tonight on CBS, let us turn our attention to a document titled "Christmas Dreams & Fantasies 2009, Vol. 2," the most recent V.S. catalog to clog my family's mailbox. It advertises bedroom get-ups and underthings—including a dubious breed of panties called the "one-size-fits-all thong"—available in holiday pink, sparkle pink, dazzle pink, cozy pink, cosmo pink, pink tulip, pink punch, pink sapphire, purple pizazz, raspberry, sour cherry, berrylicious, red chili, cilantro, and even blue.

Near as I can tell, our most recent critical guides to this fantasyland appeared in academic journals in the fall of 1996. In the Journal of Popular Culture, Nancy V. Workman ventured that a Miracle Bra is the modern equivalent of a corset, enclosing women "in rigid positions of cultural enslavement." If you know the first thing about second-wave feminism, then you know the hammer drill. Meanwhile, Social Text gave its fan base the more satisfying "A Pornographic Feminity? Telling and Selling Victoria's (Dirty) Secrets" where Jane Juffer supposed that "the catalogs appeal to working, independent women who return to the home but cannot be fixed there, and who desire a home where their needs and pleasures are fulfilled." A cottage in the Cotswolds, apparently. The catalogs of the mid-‘90s strove to class themselves up by leaning on Ye Olde Respectability, offering "pyjamas" and such.

By contrast, the cover girl of "Christmas Dreams & Fantasies 2009, Vol. 2" sets the tone by appearing in a robe and bra of a shade I'd call sultry vermilion. As is common in these contexts, she parts her lips just wide enough to accommodate a delicate bonbon. More distinctive are the Veronica Lake wave in her hair and the pillow-strewn, pizazz-crimson set—an MGM idea of a royal bedchamber in folkloric Persia. Inside the catalog, one piece of ad copy booms, "Hollywood bombshell!" while another murmurs, "One gift-a thousand fantasies." This silver-screen Scheherazade is telling a story about stardom and exoticism. Is the bra the gift? Is she? Or does she imagine herself as one of the winged models of an ongoing marketing theme, an angel fallen only as far as the Christmas tree stand? If the Fashion Show is any indication, then you should press Option 3. The promos feature women who, scantily clad though they are, are not highly sexualized. Moving like exquisitely engineered automatons and strapped into theatrical costumes—custom plexiglass is not lingerie—they are less alluring than strange: Glamour Girls from Planet Opulence.

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 9

Every family has its Thanksgiving traditions. This year, How I Met Your Mother officially made the slap bet the centerpiece of its annual celebration.

Shameful:

—The notion that a turkey left behind in a cab would end up in the lost and found at Port Authority. HIMYM occasionally makes keen observations about life in New York. This was not such an occasion.

—The "you're dead to me" look. The Shame Index has previously noted that HIMYM would do well to avoid special effects, but this episode yet again leaned heavily on effects for comedy. The reasons Lily had for disavowing characters like her bridesmaid—"I'm just not a fan of strapless"—and Mr. Park were funny, but the glowing eyes routine got old quick. And Mr. Park's actual death at the end of the episode was a contrived, maudlin twist.

—The attempt to recapture the magic of the original Slapsgiving episode. The Shame Index doesn't necessarily think this sequel was doomed to fail—the long shelf life of the slap bet is part of what makes it so funny—but fail it did. The transferability of slaps was a clever idea, and an apt one coming from lawyer Marshall. But the bickering over whether Robin or Ted would get to bestow the slap grew tiresome, as did the slap puns, which failed to capture the spirit of one-upsmanship of the previous Slapsgiving.

—Related: As Amos Barshad has noted on Vulture, one of the strangest aspects of the Robin-Barney arc was how unfazed Ted was by the relationship. Last night, during the argument over who would get to slap Barney, Ted announces that he's angry that Robin slept with one of his best friends. Was some repressed issue with Swarkles finally rearing its ugly but understandable and potentially dramatic head? Nope! It was merely slap-bet brinksmanship.

—Also related: Is the Shame Index alone in feeling upset on Barney's behalf vis-a-vis the slap? That the slap-bet commissioner could herself become a slapper via a transfer of slapping rights seems to the Shame Index a prima facie conflict of interest. And while a slap bet is inherently rough justice, was it not cruel and unusual of Marshall to bestow on Barney a fake pardon the moment before delivering the brutal fourth slap? The slap bet must be governed by the rule of law. The Shame Index would like his objection noted for the record.

Awesome:

—Guest star Christina Pickles. Yes, sitcom fans: Pickles, who played Judy Geller on Friends, showed up last night as Lily's grandmother. A conscious nod to the debt HIMYM owes Friends? Or just casting happenstance? The Index likes to think it's the former.

—Mickey's board games. They weren't all funny, and some were funnier than others, but the Index did enjoy Tijuana Slumlord, Dog Fight Promoter, and, especially, There's a Clown Demon Under the Bed. Donna Bowman of the AV Club spied in the background of Mickey's apartment a prototype for a game called Landmine Lunge, which is also inspired. The episode pushed the joke too far in the end, however, with the exploding gallbladder filled with lead paint and horse bile. The final bit—a fake '80s-style ad for a slap-based board game—was likewise just silly.

—Marshall's appearance via video link at the weekly Eriksen family dinner. (Does the fact that Marshall's dad is played by Bill Fagerbakke of Coach bolster the argument that HIMYM pays homage to sitcoms of yore through its casting? Was Carter Bays also a big fan of Get a Life?)

—"Well then we'll just give him some dark meat."

In other news, the Index was pleased to see Carter Bays forced to account for HIMYM's poor handling of the Barney and Robin relationship, even if his response was far from satisfactory. The Index was also happy to see that he is not alone in finding the treatment of Swarkles problematic. Time's James Poniewozik, in a response to last week's episode, put his finger on what's so odd about the abrupt breakup: Last season, HIMYM convinced us that even Barney—promiscuous, solipsistic Barney—has a real emotional life. Now the series wants us to forget about it. Ain't that a slap in the face.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 8

Last week's episode of How I Met Your Mother proved to be controversial. The Shame Index pronounced it the worst of the season. Vulture called it the best. Others were somewhere in between. There was some disagreement about whether Barney in a fat suit was funny or, as the Index argued, plain lazy. But the more serious issue was the treatment of the relationship between Barney and Robin. It seems that many fans of HIMYM had quickly soured on the romance—they wanted the old Barney back.

They got him. This week's episode was given over almost entirely to Barney's scams, cons, hustles, hoodwinks, gambits, stratagems, and bamboozles. And flimflams.

Shameful:

—MILSWANCA. We live in a post-MILF Island world. There's no going back to MILSW-.

—The flashback within a flashback. It wasn't at all clear to the Shame Index why this episode required a second layer of recollection. Couldn't Lily have intercepted the blonde (Sarah Wright, last seen making out with Mad Men's Pete Campbell after her failed Maidenform audition) before The Scuba Diver was to begin in earnest and warned her then of Barney's plot? HIMYM is typically masterful in its handling of chronology—memories often inspire other memories, so it's natural when Bob Saget stops a story and rewinds further to explain. Here it just felt unnecessarily complicated.

—Robin joining in the chorus of "hell no" when Ted asks rhetorically whether he'd consider dating a woman Barney had hooked up with. Um, you're one of those women now, Robin.

—SNASA. Actually, SNASA is pretty funny. But the writers stepped on a fragile joke with Smoon and Smoron.

—Don. That guy is going to be the love of Robin's life? She deserves better. (The Shame Index recognizes this is a snap judgment based on the briefest glimpse of the guy. But come on.)

Awesome:

—"Civil Union and planning to get married pending passage of legislation currently on the floor of the New York State Senate." Funny and timely.

—Marshall's fumbling comparison of Barney to Stephen King.

—Marshall's extended frozen waffles metaphor, followed up by his quite serious request that Robin pick up some frozen waffles.

—As indicated above, some of the gambits from Barney's playbook were better than others (whereas Robin's two-volume playbook is thrilling from cover to cover). But, on balance, Barney's collection of strategies were imaginative, cleverly enacted, and handsomely calligraphed. Of particular merit:

—The Lorenzo von Matterhorn—"spelled like it sounds." Kudos to Barney for his inspired set of fake Web sites, and to the art director of this episode for actually making the Internet look like the Internet. (The cartoonish rendering of Web sites on network television is a pet peeve of the Shame Index.)

—The Ted Mosby. Barney impersonating Ted—that can't help but be funny.

—The Cheap Trick. Elegant in its simplicity.

The Shame Index suspects that most viewers were thrilled to have the old, promiscuous Barney back last night. The Index enjoyed seeing him in action as well, but couldn't shake a nagging feeling—that HIMYM fans were on the wrong end of a different cheap trick. The series spent nearly an entire season establishing what felt like a very real, very believable relationship between Barney and Robin, only to abruptly dissolve it last week on the thinnest pretense. Barney and Robin deserved better than that, and so do viewers, who were led to believe the series was invested in its characters enough see the relationship through. Barney's coup de grâce in this week's episode was to land the blonde by feigning sympathy for Robin's lingering sadness about their breakup. It felt like a joke on the audience—you fell for that whole Barney and Robin thing? Sucker. You thought for a moment that Barney felt empathy for Robin? Sucker. Robin seemed unfazed by all this, but it may be a while before the Shame Index can fully appreciate Barney's antics again.

Previous Shame Indices: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 7

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The How I Met Your Mother Shame Index: Episode 6

Look at you, had a relationship for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys. That's adorable. Son, I been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass cup of chamomile with the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know. But thanks for your concern, rook.