Introducing the Revolutionary New Apple Store

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Sept. 11 2012 1:30 PM

Introducing the Revolutionary New Apple Store

We hope you like our remarkable, innovative designs.

The Apple Store, Shanghai
The Apple Store, Shanghai

Photograph by Peter Parks/AFP/Getty Images.

To: Tim Cook
CEO, Apple Inc.
Cupertino, Calif.

Dear Mr. Cook,

Thank you for hiring our firm to design your latest Apple Store, to be built at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. We feel the majestic location will showcase the elegance of Apple’s products, once the breathtaking natural beauty has been covered in blond wood and brushed steel.

We believe you’ll find our new Apple Store designs to be as magical and revolutionary as your devices, and priced at a similar 25 percent premium.

Let me point out several of our designs’ most remarkable features. Yes, other electronics stores have had staircases before, but we call our innovative new system of vertical transportation FeetTime. It is truly the most futuristic way to connect people, providing one of those people is at the bottom of the stairs and the other at the top.

Additionally, our new Apple Store includes a breakthrough new feature—a personal assistant that displays your products at a more convenient height for customers. Other stores call them tables; we call them ground-Siris.

Of course, no Apple Store would be complete without a protective Apple Store rubberized cover. You’ll want to protect the gleaming glass windows from scratches, because if any of them break, they can't be repaired individually. You will have to purchase a new Apple Store at full price.

Which brings us to AppleStoreCare. All of our construction materials are insured for a standard period of one year from the date of completion, but for a low fee we’ll insure your new Apple Store for two additional years. If you experience any problems with your store during that time, simply bring it to the nearest Apple Store Store to have it serviced.

You can choose from three similar architectural models, each at a different price point, although most customers get the middle one and add more restrooms. Installation is only $25,000 per stall if you use our licensed installers. You can install them yourself, but that will void the warranty.

We hope you will find these three models satisfactory. However, if you wait a few months, we might release newer stores with larger doorways and more counter space. Or maybe the buildings will get tapered edges. (We won’t tell!)

Let us know which design you prefer, and we’ll begin construction immediately in our Apple Store factory in Guangdong province, China. Please note: Occasionally a factory worker tries to escape by hiding in the air ducts, so before opening you will want to have the building checked out by an Apple Duct Genius.

Thank you for your continued interest in our services.

Jens Firsom
LOAD Architects

This piece originally appeared in the architecture journal CLOG : APPLE.

Frank Lesser is a former writer for The Colbert Report and the author of Sad Monsters. You can follow him on Twitter.


Medical Examiner

Here’s Where We Stand With Ebola

Even experienced international disaster responders are shocked at how bad it’s gotten.

It Is Very, Very Stupid to Compare Hope Solo to Ray Rice

The U.S. Is So, So Far Behind Europe on Clean Energy

Even if You Don’t Like Batman, You Might Like Gotham

Friends Was the Last Purely Pleasurable Sitcom

The Eye

This Whimsical Driverless Car Imagines Transportation in 2059


Meet the New Bosses

How the Republicans would run the Senate.

A Woman Who Escaped the Extreme Babymaking Christian Fundamentalism of Quiverfull

So, Apple Is Not Shuttering Beats, but the Streaming Service Will Probably Be Folded Into iTunes

  News & Politics
Sept. 22 2014 6:30 PM What Does It Mean to Be an American? Ted Cruz and Scott Brown think it’s about ideology. It’s really about culture.
Sept. 22 2014 5:38 PM Apple Won't Shut Down Beats Music After All (But Will Probably Rename It)
Sept. 22 2014 4:45 PM Why Can’t the Census Count Gay Couples Accurately?
  Double X
Sept. 22 2014 4:06 PM No, Women’s Soccer Does Not Have a Domestic Violence Problem Or, why it is very, very stupid to compare Hope Solo to Ray Rice.
  Slate Plus
Slate Plus
Sept. 22 2014 1:52 PM Tell Us What You Think About Slate Plus Help us improve our new membership program.
Brow Beat
Sept. 22 2014 5:45 PM The University of California Corrects “Injustice” by Making Its Rich Chancellors Even Richer
Future Tense
Sept. 22 2014 6:27 PM Should We All Be Learning How to Type in Virtual Reality?
  Health & Science
Medical Examiner
Sept. 22 2014 4:34 PM Here’s Where We Stand With Ebola Even experienced international disaster responders are shocked at how bad it’s gotten.
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.