NFL 2011
From: Drew Magary|Posted Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2011, at 12:57 PM
To: Stefan Fatsis, Nate Jackson, and Tom Scocca
This NFL roundtable is a seasonlong partnership between Slate and Deadspin. Check back here each week as a rotating cast of football watchers discusses the weekend's key plays, coaching decisions, and traumatic brain injuries. And
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6: Win a Championship, Lose a Knee
By: Stefan Fatsis -
5: Math Says If Wes Welker Catches That Ball, The Patriots Win
By: Brian Burke -
4: "Was That a Sasquatch?” The Misery of Watching Canadian Super Bowl Ads
By: Matthew Black -
3: Did the Giants Put 12 Men on the Field on Purpose for Brady’s First Hail Mary?
By: Barry Petchesky -
2: The Ballsiest Call in Super Bowl History
By: Brian Burke -
1: Eli Manning Is All the Football Hero America Needs
By: Josh Levin
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6: Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and the Genius of the Patriots' No-Huddle Offense
By: Chris Brown -
5: What It's Like When An NFL Linebacker Nearly Knocks Your Head Off
By: Nate Jackson -
4: Before the Giants Ruined the Patriots’ Perfect Season, the Perfect Season Nearly Ruined Me
By: Steve Kolowich -
3: After the Scalpel, Out Come the Knives for Peyton Manning
From: Barry Petchesky -
2: Why Are Ray Lewis and Friday Night Lights' Peter Berg Shilling for the NFL on Player Safety?
From: Stefan Fatsis -
1: Homemade Infographic: What Were the Gayest (and Straightest) Super Bowl Halftime Shows?
From: Tom Scocca
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7: Eli Manning and the NFL’s Trouble with Goodness
From: Tommy Craggs -
6: The New England Patriots Are Not Out for Revenge
From: Barry Petchesky -
5: Billy Cundiff Rushed His Kick Because of an Error on the Gillette Stadium Scoreboard
From: Stefan Fatsis -
4: "You Don't Have To Worry About Me Jumping Off a Ledge": An Interview with Billy Cundiff
From: Stefan Fatsis -
3: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady Stank Their Way to the Super Bowl
From: Seth Stevenson -
2: What Went Wrong on Billy Cundiff’s Missed Kick?
From: Stefan Fatsis -
1: Did Lee Evans Catch a Game-Winning Touchdown for the Ravens?
From: Josh Levin
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5: Are the Giants Really Better than the 49ers?
From: Tom Scocca -
4: NFL Playoffs: Mike Martz Gave Us Something to Believe in, Even If We Shouldn't
From: Barry Petchesky -
3: The View From the Wrong Side of an NFL Instant Classic
From: Josh Levin -
2: Four Theories on How the Giants Went from Awful to Amazing
From: Daniel Engber -
1: Why, Oh Why, Did the Packers Have to Lose?
From: Dan Kois
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7: I Caught Tebow Fever, and I Don't Want To Be Cured
From: Barry Petchesky -
6: Everyone Thinks the Underdog Giants Will Beat the Packers
From: Daniel Engber -
5: What We Can Learn About Football (and Bill Belichick) from "The Belestrator"
From: Seth Stevenson -
4: Let the Jets’ Mutiny Against Mark Sanchez Begin
From: Barry Petchesky -
3: Are NFL Coaches Getting Smarter About Fourth-Down Strategy?
From: Brian Burke -
2: The Steelers Overestimated Tim Tebow Before They Underestimated Him
From: Tom Scocca -
1: Why the Steelers Lost to Tim Tebow
From: Josh Levin
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5: An Insider's Guide to Chop Blocks
From: Nate Jackson -
4: Are the Atlanta Falcons Really the Dirtiest Team in the NFL?
From: Josh Levin -
3: The New York Jets Are Out-Lupica-Ing Mike Lupica
From: Tommy Craggs -
2: Analyst Trent Dilfer Would Rip Quarterback Trent Dilfer
From: Nate Jackson -
1: Was Matt Flynn's Big Game a Fluke?
From: Josh Levin
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6: Football In The Dark Is An Illuminating Thing
From: Emma Carmichael -
5: The Wonderful Miracle of Mass Confusion on the Football Field
From: Dan Kois -
4: Cam Newton’s Trick Play Was My Second-Favorite Moment of the Season
From: Stefan Fatsis -
3: What Dose of Defeat Tastes Most Bitter?
From: Emma Carmichael -
2: I Am Totally Not Going To Panic at All About Aaron Rodgers Getting Frighteningly Outplayed by Kyle Orton
From: Dan Kois -
1: Tom Brady Shows Tim Tebow What a Real Quarterback Looks Like
From: Stefan Fatsis
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6: James Harrison Didn't Know What He Was Doing To Colt McCoy
From: Nate Jackson -
5: Does James Harrison Like Hurting People More Than He Likes Winning Games?
From: Tom Scocca -
4: James Harrison: the Villain the NFL Wants
From: Josh Levin -
3: What You Miss Because You Can't See the NFL's All-22 Footage
From: Nate Jackson -
2: Somewhere Between Kordell Stewart and John Skelton, There Is Tim Tebow
From: Tom Scocca -
1: Reality Is Now Indistinguishable From Tim Tebow Fan Fiction
From: Josh Levin
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6: Tim Tebow Is My Seaweed-Wrapped Japanese Rice Ball
From: Luke O'Brien -
5: The NFL Is McDonald's, Cats, and U.S. Steel
From: Barry Petchesky -
4: NFL Owners Exist To Be Hated
From: Daniel Engber -
3: Are You Ready for This Mustache?
From: Luke O'Brien -
2: Is Winning the Overtime Coin Toss a Blessing or a Curse?
From: Barry Petchesky -
1: Tim Tebow Is Making Me Question My Atheism
From: Daniel Engber
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6: Is Mike Shanahan a Good Coach?
From: Stefan Fatsis -
5: Does the NFL Really Want a Team in Los Angeles?
From: Emma Carmichael -
4: A Counterfactual History of Tim Tebow as a Jacksonville Jaguar
From: Jeremy Stahl -
3: Legality Vs. Morality in the NFL
From: Stefan Fatsis -
2: Bob Costas Gasbags About Showboating
From: Emma Carmichael -
1: The Four Types of Lies in Pro Football
From: Jeremy Stahl
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6: The Perils and Pleasures of Life As a 220-Pound Tight End
From: Nate Jackson -
5: Aaron Rodgers and the Ben Roethlisberger School of Quarterbacking
From: Barry Petchesky -
4: How Rex Ryan Created the New-Look Patriots
From: Chris Brown -
3: Why NFL Players Love a Coach Who Goes For It on Fourth Down, and Why They Hate Eric Mangini
From: Nate Jackson -
2: NFL Pundits Hate It, But The Falcons Made the Right Call on Fourth-And-Inches
From: Barry Petchesky -
1: Is Tim Tebow’s Afraid-To-Throw Offense Crazy Enough To Work?
From: Chris Brown
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6: The Dallas Cowboys Are an Ever-Regenerating Tim Tebow
From: Ta-Nehisi Coates -
5: Is It Time To Lose Faith in the New England Patriots?
From: Tom Scocca -
4: Les Miles Is a Good Dad Because LSU Is Undefeated
From: Josh Levin -
3: Does The NFL Want To Be Ali-Frazier?
From: Ta-Nehisi Coates -
2: The Thrill of Old-Fashioned Sports Brutality
From: Tom Scocca -
1: Ravens-Steelers: The NFL’s Annual Holiday from Namby-Pambyism
From: Josh Levin
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6: Year of the Quarterback? Nope, It’s the Year of the Pass Rusher
From: Robert Weintraub -
5: What Do NFL Scouts Think They Know About Quarterbacks?
From: Luke O'Brien -
4: Andrew Luck Is More of a Sure Thing Than Peyton Manning
From: Jeremy Stahl -
3: Don’t Worry, the Eagles Will Look Terrible Again Soon
From: Robert Weintraub -
2: Tim Tebow Is More Than a Big Orange Piñata
From: Luke O'Brien -
1: Will Anyone Ever Beat the Steelers or Patriots?
From: Jeremy Stahl
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6: Why NFL Players Shouldn’t Trust the Test for HGH
From: Stefan Fatsis -
5: Why HGH Will Never Be a Problem in the NFL
From: Nate Jackson -
4: The First Casualty of HGH Hysteria?
From: Tommy Craggs -
3: A Rule Change NFL Kickers Would Hate and Fans Would Love
From: Stefan Fatsis -
2: Tim Tebow Is the Football Establishment’s Worst Nightmare
From: Nate Jackson -
1: Seven Articles of Faith As Regards Tim Tebow
From: Tommy Craggs
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6: The Real Reason for the NFL’s Passing Explosion
From: Brian Burke -
5: The Philadelphia Eagles’ Dream Is Still Alive
From: Jeremy Stahl -
4: Lions and Zebras and Bears—Oh, Crap
From: Tom Scocca -
3: Dear NFL Coaches: If You're on the 37-Yard Line, Go for It
From: Brian Burke -
2: The Most Influential Sports Uniform Ever
From: Tom Scocca -
1: Al Davis, All-Time Great Asshole
From: Jeremy Stahl
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6: I Want Revenge On DirecTV
From: Ta-Nehisi Coates -
5: The $30 Product That Will Change How You Watch the NFL
From: Tommy Craggs -
4: The NFL's Evolution, As Measured By Dan Dierdorfisms
From: Josh Levin -
3: Growing Up on NFL Violence in a Violent Neighborhood
From: Ta-Nehisi Coates -
2: Did Buffalo Outsmart Bill Belichick?
From: Tommy Craggs -
1: Should Michael Vick Stop Protecting the Ball and Start Protecting Himself?
From: Josh Levin
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6: What If HGH Could Cure Peyton Manning?
From: Tommy Craggs -
5: Feed Me to the Detroit Lions!
From: Barry Petchesky -
4: Purple Drank and the Secret of NFL Quarterbacking
From: Tommy Craggs and Barry Petchesky -
3: Cam Newton, a Quarterback To Build a Dream On
From: Tommy Craggs -
2: The Kansas City Chiefs' Sad Cavalcade of Torn Knee Ligaments
From: Barry Petchesky -
1: Michael Vick's Head Injury is the NFL's Worst Nightmare
From: Josh Levin
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7: My Team Threw For 731 Yards and Lost
From: Nate Jackson -
6: Is This the NFL's Juiced Ball Era?
From: Drew Magary -
5: Was Sebastian Janikowski's 63-Yard Field Goal the NFL's Longest 63-Yarder?
From: Stefan Fatsis -
4: Tom Brady Is No Novak Djokovic
From: Tom Scocca -
3: Jay Cutler Doesn't Need To Be Loved by You
From: Nate Jackson -
2: The NFL Goes Out of Its Way to Make People Look Stupid
From: Drew Magary -
1: Clydesdales Genuflecting Toward Lower Manhattan and Other 9/11 Inanities
From: Tom Scocca
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6: The Saints and Packers Did Not Look Like Football Robots
From: Stefan Fatsis -
5: God Overrules Mike McCarthy, and the Packers Win
From: Josh Levin -
4: I Feel Bad About Peyton Manning's Neck
From: Tom Scocca -
3: Roger Goodell Is Shifting Liability Onto the Help
From: Tommy Craggs -
2: Why We Care About the New Kickoff Rule
From: Stefan Fatsis -
1: Does the NFL Have the Moral High Ground?
From: Josh Levin
Are we still talking about kickers? We are? OK, well I'll go right ahead and ignore that subject because I won't be impressed by Sea Bass until he boots a 70-yarder and does a shot of SoCo on the sidelines afterward.
I'd rather talk about passing records. As Scocca mentioned, Week 1 of the 2011 NFL season broke the record for most cumulative passing yards in a single week, with games averaging 490 total passing yards. I did some research yesterday (it's true! I crunched the numbers! They were delicious!), and by the end of Sunday night, there were 11 300-yard passing performances, which was already an opening-week record. Then Monday night happened, with Tom Brady balling out of his mind and Chad Henne—Chad freakin' Henne—hanging 400 yards on the Pats defense (total tackles for Al Haynesworth: two). Throw in Kyle Orton's night and you had 14 quarterbacks going over 300 yards, nearly half the starting QBs in the league. That doubles the old record for an opening week, and it's almost certainly a record for any week in league history. And that doesn't even account for guys like Mike Vick and Ryan Fitzpatrick and Joe Flacco, all of whom had effective passing days without breaking the barrier. Passing offenses DESTROYED defenses this weekend.
There'll be plenty of teeth-gnashing over this. You'll have defenders complaining that the league has straitjacketed them. You'll have people that don't really like football (Craggs) using it as a perfect excuse to bash the league's aesthetics, saying it's just arena football now. And then you'll have people like me—people who get pissed because their fantasy team had a great week but the other guy had Tom Brady and Wes Welker and HOLY SHIT I COULD CHEW THROUGH STEEL RIGHT NOW I'M SO MAD. Personally, I think this will level out, but secretly, I hope it doesn't.
Sure, maybe it signals the end of old-school football, and maybe the game has been so wussified that it's now more like flag football than the real thing, but I'm not sure I care because LOOGIT THAT PRETTY TOUCHDOWN WHEE! Just because there were more big pass plays last week didn't mean that I found them any less enthralling. It's like college overtime or the Steroid Era in baseball: I know it's wrong, but I'm helpless to resist. And it comforts me to know that your standard bad game on any given week has a chance of being a 38-35 barnburner instead of a 6-3 death match. Those games are agonizing. I'd rather watch someone throw out a perfectly cooked ribeye steak. So if this heralds the beginning of the new Juiced Ball era in football (and everything was trending that way anyway), I'm OK with it. I can picture the Ginger Hammer and all the owners in the backrooms after the CBA was done, trying to figure out how to remain insanely profitable during a rotten economy, then someone shouted, "I know! Fifty-seven touchdowns a game!" And thus it was made so.
Nate, do you like what you saw in Week 1? Do you think it'll stay that way? Do you hope it does? ARE SMOKEHOUSE ALMONDS NOT UNDELICIOUS?
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