How to fake your way through the postseason.

So, your friends invited you over to watch some playoff baseball, but you don't know Albert Pujols from Albert Schweitzer? Not to worry: We've got all the information you'll need to fake your way through the first round of the baseball playoffs. Just tape this sheet inside your mitt and get ready to be mistaken for Tim McCarver.

American League Division Series: Oakland A's vs. Minnesota Twins
A's talking points: Odds are you've heard of Michael Lewis' Moneyball, which documented GM Billy Beane's strategies for winning with a low payroll: Draft college players and emphasize on-base percentage. Old-school baseball analyst Joe Morgan will send you flowers if you note that Beane's 2002 draft has produced a mere two major leaguers, and only four A's regulars have OBPs over .360. If someone says you're using selective evidence, shut them up by shouting, "Oakland's made the playoffs five times since 2000 and hasn't won squat. Five bucks says Billy Beane's shit doesn't work in the playoffs this year, either."

Historical context: Oakland won the World Series in 1989, thanks to the syringe-powered exploits of "Bash Brothers" Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Suggest to your viewing partners that light-hitting A's outfielders Jay Payton and Mark Kotsay should henceforth be known as the "Sucky Siblings."

Conversation starter: "Huston Street is the best two-inning closer since Mariano Rivera."

Conversation stopper: "It was so brave of Billy Bean to come out."

Twins talking points: Everyone will note that the best pitcher in baseball, lefty Johan Santana, gives the Twins a fighting chance to win any series. You should argue that the back end of Minnesota's staff will decide how far the team goes. Two good lines: "Management knew Francisco Liriano had arm problems in the past. They should've been gentler with him during the season," and, "If Boof Bonser's right arm is as good as his name, we'll have a dynasty on our hands."

Historical context: The 1987 Twins, baseball conspiracy theorists argue, won the World Series due to creative deployment of the Metrodome's powerful air-conditioning system. Between innings, do a back-of-the-envelope calculation of the stadium's postseason cooling bill.

Conversation starter: "Are Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau the next Bagwell and Biggio?"

Conversation stopper: "Are Jason Tyner and Lew Ford the next Ron Coomer and Denny Hocking?"

American League Division Series: Detroit Tigers vs. New York Yankees
Tigers talking points: With a worst-to-first success story like this one, everybody's going to be talking about who deserves the credit for the turnaround. Make your case for Pudge Rodriguez, the slugging veteran catcher who anchored the Tigers just like he anchored the 2003 world-champion Marlins. Then blow people's minds by stretching the Marlins-Tigers comparison to the limit. Both teams were largely assembled by the same front-office guy (Dave Dombrowski), both featured a talented young pitching staff and a crusty old manager, and both are named after members of the animal kingdom. Creepy, huh?