The Tour de France almost killed me.

The stadium scene.
July 18 2006 6:25 PM

The Tour de France Almost Killed Me

My battle with L'Alpe d'Huez.

Tour de France. Click image to expand.
The Tour de France

On Tuesday morning, the freakish riders of the Tour de France blasted up the steep, nine-mile climb to the famous mountaintop finish at L'Alpe d'Huez. Outdoor Life Network announcer Phil Liggett tried to capture the difficulty of this feat with the appropriate superlatives and clichés. But you can only hear stuff like, "He's really having to dig deeply into the suitcase of courage!" so many times before it loses all meaning. Here's a better description from a guy who tried to climb the mountain: L'Alpe d'Huez will kill you.

Last week, I was in France to ride in the Étape du Tour. The Étape offers riders the challenge of racing, riding, and simply finishing a tough upcoming stage from the Tour de France. This year's race mimicked the route of the Tour de France's 15th stage—the climb up L'Alpe. Just like the Tour, race organizers work with local governments to close the roads to vehicles. And just like the Tour, the ride is "supported"—you can get food and help with a mechanical problem along the way. But unlike the Tour, the Étape is open to anyone. Even fools like me.


My friend Peter and I decided last fall that this 119-mile event would be the crowning ride of our bike bum's vacation in the Alps. Peter, a Bay Area schoolteacher who's married only to his 18-speed Merida, is in excellent shape—he's a high-level amateur racer. I'm the wife-and-two-kids, writer-athlete who still shaves his legs and enters the occasional competition. My training ebbs and flows with life's other demands.

From the look of our 7,500 fellow competitors, Peter and I are pretty typical. There are a lot of thirty- and fortysomething men straddling bikes worth thousands of dollars. Everyone adjusts their Lycra shorts to fit just so and checks that the back pockets of their jerseys are stuffed with quick-energy foods, spare tubes, and a nylon vest. It's a beautiful, sunny morning in the town of Gap, which sits at an elevation of 2,600 feet. Meanwhile the shark's tooth that is L'Alpe d'Huez tops out at 6,100 feet. That's a scary thought.

Starting the Étape is like getting off a packed Boeing 747. The gun fires, and up ahead I can see people moving. During the long delay before we shuffle forward, Peter and I review the day's strategy: "Save something for L'Alpe," he says. I nod.

We need less than five minutes to blow off the pact. Peter finds a freight train of riders moving about 20 miles per hour and we fall in line, enjoying the slipstream effect. We glide through the French countryside, passing hundreds if not thousands of riders and clapping spectators. Both lanes of the French roads are ours. Ah, the speed, the power, the vibe! We are racers in our own Tour de France!

The joy carries me for a good while, Peter even farther. He pulls away, but I still manage to latch on to the back wheel of rider after rider. An Italian wearing a pink jersey and pedaling a green Bianchi. A Dutchman with huge legs and a Team Discovery uniform. The air still has a crisp freshness when I crest the relatively gradual 7,700-foot Col d'Izoard, and after a long and winding descent I steamroll the shallow-pitched, 6,800-foot Col du Lautaret, a relative mosquito bite. All that stands between me and the finish is L'Alpe. My legs feel fatigued but not shot. I'm convinced I can get up the hill on adrenaline alone.

We reach the tiny French village of Bourg-d'Oisans, and I wave to the crowd with both hands. Then I make a big turn, the first of 21 leading to the top of the steep mountain. And I realize that I've made a terrible mistake. The race needed to end right there.

The climb up L'Alpe is so steep that Tour de France organizers don't rate its difficulty—these 10, 11, and 12 percent gradients are "beyond classification." After two turns, I'm no longer thinking about blowing kisses or drinking beers at the resort-style mountaintop village. I focus on micro-accomplishments. At first I concentrate on making it to the next switchback—it's overwhelming to think about all the climbing that's still to come. Soon, that mindset melts away in the blistering heat of the high alpine afternoon. I start concentrating on getting one more pedal stroke at a time out of my exhausted legs.

By about the fifth turn I spot Peter's blue, black, and silver jersey. He's standing by the side of the road. At first I'm impressed: He'd finished and come back to ride in with me! But as I inch up to him, and then past him, I realize the story is way different. "Stomach problems," he says.



Talking White

Black people’s disdain for “proper English” and academic achievement is a myth.

The Secret Service’s Big Problems Were Reported Last Year. Nobody Cared.

Tattoo Parlors Have Become a Great Investment

Natasha Lyonne Is Coming to the Live Culture Gabfest. Are You?

A Jaw-Dropping Political Ad Aimed at Young Women, Apparently

The XX Factor
Oct. 1 2014 4:05 PM Today in GOP Outreach to Women: You Broads Like Wedding Dresses, Right?

Operation Backbone

How White Boy Rick, a legendary Detroit cocaine dealer, helped the FBI uncover brazen police corruption.


How Even an Old Hipster Can Age Gracefully

On their new albums, Leonard Cohen, Robert Plant, and Loudon Wainwright III show three ways.

Hong Kong’s Protesters Are Ridiculously Polite. That’s What Scares Beijing So Much.

This Gargantuan Wind Farm in Wyoming Would Be the Hoover Dam of the 21st Century

Oct. 1 2014 8:34 AM This Gargantuan Wind Farm in Wyoming Would Be the Hoover Dam of the 21st Century To undertake a massively ambitious energy project, you don’t need the government anymore.
  News & Politics
Oct. 2 2014 11:01 AM It Wasn’t a Secret A 2013 inspector general report detailed all of the Secret Service’s problems. Nobody cared.
Business Insider
Oct. 2 2014 11:16 AM Some McDonald's Monopoly Properties Matter More
The Vault
Oct. 2 2014 11:07 AM Mapping 1890 Manhattan's Crazy-Quilt of Immigrant Neighborhoods
  Double X
Oct. 2 2014 11:34 AM Alabama’s Insane New Abortion Law Putting teenage girls on trial may finally be too much for the Supreme Court.
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Oct. 1 2014 3:24 PM Revelry (and Business) at Mohonk Photos and highlights from Slate’s annual retreat.
Brow Beat
Oct. 2 2014 11:35 AM Flying Lotus and Kendrick Lamar’s New Video Is Somehow Both Creepy and Joyful
Future Tense
Oct. 2 2014 11:41 AM Dropbox Recruiting Video Features Puppets and Data Privacy
  Health & Science
Medical Examiner
Oct. 2 2014 9:49 AM In Medicine We Trust Should we worry that so many of the doctors treating Ebola in Africa are missionaries?
Sports Nut
Oct. 1 2014 5:19 PM Bunt-a-Palooza! How bad was the Kansas City Royals’ bunt-all-the-time strategy in the American League wild-card game?