The Guy Who's Fat: Anthony Johnson, Indiana Pacers
Who doesn't love the roly-poly playground point guard? Every time down the court, you get to try out another nickname as you call for the ball. What will it be this time, Big Boy or Big Wheels? Big Stuff or Big Bubbles? Jelly Roll?.
The Guy Who Has a Friend Who's Really Good: Damon Jones, Miami Heat
At first, you don't notice him. He comes to the gym in the shadow of a big man. Then the action starts, and the big guy starts to dominate. The little guy starts to squalk about "my man's" unstoppable game. Sports Illustrated recently reported that Damon Jones' Miami teammates call him Lil' Him and Donkey (to Shaquille O'Neal's Shrek). And when Shaq takes the day off? Donkey starts playing like Eeyore.
The Guy Who Doesn't Show Up: Kwame Brown, Washington Wizards (suspended for the rest of the playoffs)
Oh, you're running a little bit late? I see, you thought we meant p.m., not a.m. You'll be another 10 minutes? Now you're at the wrong J.C.C.? No, no, don't worry. We have enough to start without you.
The Guy Who Plays Defense: Bruce Bowen, San Antonio Spurs. Seattle Sonics guard Ray Allen on Bowen: "He pulls on you. He grabs you. He hits your elbow when you shoot. When you go to the basket, he'll shove you and then he'll fall. Just stuff like that that's real annoying." We've all been guarded by someone who tries just a little too hard. This raging maniac will tell you that he just loves to hustle. But we all know he's overcompensating for his small point total.
The Guy Who Calls Too Many Fouls: Reggie Miller, Indiana Pacers
If you touch his elbow, he calls a foul. Graze his nonshooting hand—foul. Step on his toe—foul. Make a little too much eye contact—let's take that one out at the top. After this year's playoffs, Miller is hanging it up. Shake his hand in congratulations for a long, successful career—foul.
TODAY IN SLATE
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How White Boy Rick, a legendary Detroit cocaine dealer, helped the FBI uncover brazen police corruption.
Beautiful, sexy, and fascinatingly mean.