18. Baltimore Ravens. (Projected trade with Atlanta; Ravens send No. 1 and No. 7 picks in 2001 plus No. 7 choices in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2008 to Falcons for the Lions' No. 1 plus the right to swap No. 4 picks in 2017. Justice Department begins investigation of Atlanta's attempt to exert monopoly power on late rounds of draft.) Osama Bin Laden, National Islamic Front, Sudan. Bin Laden would be a nice fit for the Ravens' program and could provide leadership for younger players such as Ray Lewis.
19. New Jersey Jets. Cindy Crawford, Ford Agency. Draftniks at the Garden howl. They wanted the team go to with a younger, faster babe, such as Jessica Alba.
20. Saint Louis Rams. Zorgon Prime, shape-shifter, Aldebaran A&M. With a first-round exit last season, the Rams obviously need more space aliens to complement Kurt Warner.
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This Florida team attempts to draft WR Cedrick Wilson of Tennessee, but the league insists it has picked DT Shaun Rogers of Texas.
22. Slate. Stephen King, Maine. Could be sign of planned switch to an all-type offense.
23. New Orleans Saints. Alex Rodriguez, Texas Rangers. If Ricky Williams really is going to jump to baseball, the Saints shouldn't take this sitting down. Note: Supposing Williams does leave the Saints, then a total of four high No. 1 draft picks, a high No. 2, two No. 3s, and many lower picks were expended on trades for the Williams/Ryan Leaf bust tandem. Ye gods.
24. Los Angeles Clippers. It makes absolutely no difference whom the Clippers draft, and it never will.
25. Philadelphia Eagles. John DiIulio, Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives. Eagles will adopt faith-based game plans and win legal permission to discriminate against homosexuals in huddle.
26. Minnesota Vikings. Jesse Ventura and all players, coaches, announcers, and cheerleaders from the XFL. One of the aforementioned was a true professional. Can you guess which?
27. Miami Dolphins. This Florida team fills out a confusing draft card for LB Eric Westmoreland of Tennessee, but the Supreme Court rules it really chose S Greg Brown of Texas.
28. Oakland Raiders. Mike Tyson, Montgomery County Correctional Facility. Yet another Raiders rehab project.