7. Seattle Seahawks. Philip Condit, CEO, Boeing. Put him on the field and let large, ill-tempered players hit him. Seattle fans would pay to see that!
8. Chicago Bears. Abby Cohen, media-darling investment banker, Goldman Sachs. If she's ever going to become a Bear, now seems like the time.
9. San Francisco 49ers. Anna Kournikova, St. Petersburg State University. The real goal of any NFL team is ticket sales, right? Plus in San Francisco, Anna would give the team a marketing boost with roughly half the female demographic.
10. Detroit Lions. (Projected trade with Atlanta; Lions send their No. 1 and No. 6 picks in 2001, plus No. 6 picks in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006 to the Falcons for Atlanta's No. 1 obtained from Green Bay. League sources become concerned that the Falcons are stockpiling No. 6 picks.) Barry Sanders, RB, Oklahoma State. He's well-rested!
11. Carolina Panthers. Lt. Shane Osborn, U. S. Navy. Greatest pilot in years a natural for the first-in-flight state.
12. Kansas City Chiefs. Jean Carnahan, U.S. Senate. Chiefs remain obsessed with acquiring in-state talent. (CF Dick Vermeil, Trent Green, etc.)
13. Jacksonville Jaguars. This Florida team sends up a selection marked Travis Henry, RB, Tennessee. But the league insists Jax has actually chosen Leonard Davis, OT, Texas.
14. Buffalo Bills. Bruce Smith, Washington Redskins. Wow, if the Bills ever got hold of a player like this, they'd never let him go.
15. Chesapeake Watershed Region Indigenous Persons. (Formerly Washington Redskins.) Marc Rich, financier, Switzerland. Having him around would make Dan Snyder seem a nice guy by comparison.
16. Washington Wizards. Shane Battier, forward, Duke. Whizzie GM Michael Jordan is being widely praised for the recent trade in which the team exchanged its only desirable player, Juwan Howard, for a group of journeymen whom Jordan plans to waive as soon as the season ends. The point of this, Jordan explained, was to get Howard's enormous guaranteed contract off the team's salary cap in exchange for players with expiring contracts who could be waived, thus freeing up salary cap space to sign someone good like—well, like Juwan Howard. Think about what Jordan is saying: The trade is a success because we gave up something of value and in return got absolutely nothing. But then in Washington's last two big trades, the team exchanged young all-stars Chris Webber and Rasheed Wallace for aging journeymen with huge guaranteed contracts. So in previous deals the Wizards gave up value and got back liabilities, whereas in the Howard trade they gave up value and got back nothing. Since nothing is better than a liability, this really is a step forward! (Note: Only in Washington, D.C., does this kind of thing pass as reasoning. See this "Sports Nut" for more on the trade.)
17. Republican National Committee. Nancy Thurmond, South Carolina Bio-Technology Association. She could step in for Strom and play as a rookie.
TODAY IN SLATE
The Ebola Story
How our minds build narratives out of disaster.
The Budget Disaster That Completely Sabotaged the WHO’s Response to Ebola
PowerPoint Is the Worst, and Now It’s the Latest Way to Hack Into Your Computer
The Shooting Tragedies That Forged Canada’s Gun Politics
A Highly Unscientific Ranking of Crazy-Old German Beers
Welcome to 13th Grade!
Some high schools are offering a fifth year. That’s a great idea.
The Actual World
“Mount Thoreau” and the naming of things in the wilderness.