Death to the Local Affiliates!

The stadium scene.
Dec. 19 2000 7:00 PM

Death to the Local Affiliates!

(Continued from Page 3)

Great Moments in Management: Moment No. 1. After the Seattle Seahawks won the AFC West last year, Executive Vice President of Football Operations/General Manager and Head Coach (actual title) Mike Holmgren pronounced himself dissatisfied with merely winning the division and declared he would clean house by waiving DT Sam Adams and unloading RB Ahman Green. This season Seattle is 6-9 and was eliminated by Thanksgiving. Adams signed with Baltimore, which became the NFL's No. 1 defense while the Seattle defense plummeted to No. 31, worst in the league. Last week, Adams made the Pro Bowl. Green, shipped to the Packers for a low draft pick, has run for 1,101 yards, including 161 on Sunday.


Moment No. 2. Since Owner/Megalomaniac Dan Snyder's canny firing of head coach Norv Turner with three weeks remaining and the team having a winning record, the Persons have been outscored 56-16 and eliminated from the playoffs. Proximate cause of the firing was the Owner/Megalomaniac's demand that Jeff George start at QB: George has now lost both Snyder-mandated starts, throwing one touchdown versus three INTs. On the day of the Turner firing, Snyder announced to the press that players greeted his decision with a standing ovation. Actually, players later said, there had been stony silence. How exactly did this guy fake his way through the business world? Redeeming Snyder virtue: By comparison, he makes partner Mort Zuckerman seem stable and emotionally well-developed.

Haiku Corner: Here are reader haiku, the first two on Monday Night Football:

It's not improving.
Dennis, Eric, Melissa,
"Miked Up," too. All blah.
—Kevin Cronin

 Why Melissa Stark?
Why not Robin Roberts? Or,
Hey, Cokie Roberts!
—Jenna McKenna

Concussion number
Nine has shaken Aikman's mind
White-faced and sidelined.

Woodson chops Watters
Wet field like a slip-and-slide
Raiders screwed big time.

—Liam Petrescu

TMQ watches
All games, claims, "But I have to."
Curses! Wife outfoxed.

—Nan Kennelly

That last is from TMQ's actual wife, the very trim and very red-headed Nan Kennelly, who has been foiled this fall on requests for Sunday afternoon chores, family outings, etc., because the column gives me a professional obligation to watch the NFL. Why didn't I think of this years ago? Outfoxed, Nan has taken to grumbling that she could have an affair on Sunday afternoons and I would not notice. To which TMQ replies: affair on Sunday afternoons during NFL season? Not with any real man.

Keep submitting verse via "The Fray" titling entries "Football Poetry."

Why Melissa? Jenna McKenna's haiku asks why MNF viewers see the very blond Melissa Stark as the MNF sideline reporter. Few figures, as it were, have caused more NFL chat this year.



Meet the New Bosses

How the Republicans would run the Senate.

The Government Is Giving Millions of Dollars in Electric-Car Subsidies to the Wrong Drivers

Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.

Cheez-Its. Ritz. Triscuits.

Why all cracker names sound alike.

Friends Was the Last Purely Pleasurable Sitcom

The Eye

This Whimsical Driverless Car Imagines Transportation in 2059

Medical Examiner

Did America Get Fat by Drinking Diet Soda?  

A high-profile study points the finger at artificial sweeteners.

The Afghan Town With a Legitimately Good Tourism Pitch

A Futurama Writer on How the Vietnam War Shaped the Series

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