Bill Walsh coaching disciples go into each game armed with The Script, a list of the first 15 plays to run. Walsh disciples are trained to stick to The Script regardless of down and distance, except for fourth down. Right now two Script teams reside high on the landfill in offensive stats: the Broncos at second overall, with disciple Mike Shanahan, and the Niners at fifth overall, with disciple Steve Mariucci. A Script game plan helped the Broncos roll up 538 total yards on Sunday despite average offensive personnel. Brett Favre used a Script during his Super Bowl years. Joe Montana and Steve Young were Script quarterbacks, and life pretty much seemed to work out OK for them. Yet despite the track record of The Script, most coaches do not employ this approach. Why? Your guess is as good as TMQ's. (Technical note: This means you will be wrong.)

This column also uses a Script approach. Here, on an exclusive basis—exclusive because no one else would carry it—is The Script employed by Tuesday Morning Quarterback:

1) Wild, sweeping generalization.
2) Sentence that appears to refer to A but actually refers to B.
3) Counterintuitive assertion.
4) Wry allusion.
5) Incredibly detailed statistic that readers assume to be true.
6) Mention of Kurt Warner's star-cruiser, given pseudo-scientific gloss by terms from physics chosen at random à la any Star Trek: Voyager episode.
7) Unfalsifiable claim about football tactics, meaning of life, etc.
8) Leering reference to Cindy Crawford, Jennifer Lopez, or Cindy Crawford with Jennifer Lopez.
9) Bondage reference. (Tasteful.)
10) Knowing use of sports terminology to suggest expertise.
11) Cheap shot.
12) Joke reworded from previous column.
13) Insertion of phrase, "Ye gods." (Relevance optional.)
14) Haiku. (Literary merit optional.)
15) Astonishingly complicated trivia question that someone will answer in 30 seconds.

Best Plays of the Week: Best No. 1. Taking possession at their own 14, three minutes left, trailing by four on the road at the Colts, the Marine Mammals seemed doomed. But last year in Indianapolis, the Dolphins were in a nearly identical last-gasp situation, and the Colts let them off the hook by blitzing, blitzing, blitzing, creating big-play opportunities for the winning comeback. One of those cartoon light bulbs must have gone off in Miami coaches' minds. Mammal coaches called the sort of passes designed to counteract blitzes, and sure enough the Colts cooperated by blitzing on six of nine downs on the final drive. Miami flew down the field as if Indianapolis wasn't there, scoring the winning six with 1:09 left.

Best No. 2. How to resist that urge to blitz? Trailing 10-7, Atlanta faced third and 15. The Raiders rushed just three while putting five defensive backs in a straight line across the field at the first-down marker. The Falcons had no choice but to throw under, and the receiver was tackled short. This defensive set is a rare pure innovation—a formation no one has seen before. Let's see if it catches on.

Best No. 3. A week ago, Minnesota stung Carolina with a classy-looking play series in which there was a fake end-around while the RB took a screen or went straight up the middle. Like Borg drones, the Panthers adapted. Last night against Green Bay, Carolina ran a classy-looking fake end-around in which the RB went straight up the middle for a 26-yard touchdown.

Worst Plays of the Week: Worst No. 1. The cover-your-eyes Bengals trailed Pittsburgh 38-21 in the third when a shotgun snap sailed over QB Akili Smith's head. Smith chased the ball, and, failing to recover it, this extremely highly paid gentleman simply sat down on the field and watched as Steelers LB Jason Gildon scooped up the live rock and ran it back for six.

Worst No. 2. Last week the Rams made their fatal mistake on a play that was first and goal at the 5, trailing the Chesapeake Watershed Region Indigenous Persons by 11 in the fourth. Rather than a power-run, play-action, or roll-out, the defending champs simply used a regular pass from a regular set—the worst possible goal-line call—and gave up the INT that iced it for the opposition. This Sunday, trailing the Saints by seven in the fourth, St. Louis lined up with first and goal on the 5. Surely the Rams learned from the identical situation the previous game, right? St. Louis ran a regular pass from a regular set: sack, fumble, turnover.

Worst No. 3. Score tied at 31, four minutes to go, Denver had the ball on its own 20. Seattle lined up with seven players in the "box," the space defined by the OLs and TE. Seven men in the box is a run defense that dares the opponent to throw. Denver ran anyway, and third-string tailback Mike Anderson went 80 yards for the winning touchdown; no Seattle defender even touched him.

Stats of the Week: Stat No. 1. Chicago RB James Allen fumbled three times in 25 carries.