Running Items Department
Obscure College Scores: Nebraska-Omaha 14, Pittsburg of Kansas 3. Bonus Obscure Score: Mid-American Nazarene 27, Azusa Pacific 21. Double Bonus Obscure Score: Richmond 21, William & Mary 18. Well of course an entire city would defeat one guy and one woman!
Most Embarrassing Dennis Miller Moment: Suspended out of respect for Natural Law Party candidate John Hagelin; not one single person anywhere in the country voted for him by mistake. Though not only did Miller, last night, for the second time devote his opening monologue to discussing how important it was that his own face had appeared on a magazine cover, his cryptic reference to Jeff George having a rifle arm "like a Manlicher-Carcano" was simply revolting. A Manlicher-Carcano was the rifle used to murder John Kennedy.
Most Embarrassing Don Ohlmeyer Moment: Ohlmeyer announced that despite MNF's all-time-low ratings amid a run of fabulous games, Dennis Miller would "probably" return next season. This is like Bill Clinton announcing he "probably" will be faithful.
New York Times Final-Score Score: Once again the Paper of Record goes 0-15 in its quixotic attempt to predict an exact final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 0-173 for the season. Times predicted: Broncos 23, Bolts 17. Actual: Broncos 38, Bolts 37. Times predicted: Chiefs 17, Bills 14. Actual: Bills 21, Chiefs 17. (Half right!) Times predicted: Rams 30, Persons 24. Actual: Persons 33, Rams 20. Reader Brad Hammill's generic final score—Home Team 20, Visiting Team 14—also goes 0-15, bringing this item to 0-87 since inception.
Honored Guest Predictions: The Miami Herald is another newspaper engaged in a quixotic attempt to predict exact final scores of NFL games. This weekend, as TMQ looked in, the Herald went 0-15. Herald predicted: Steelers 24, Jax 13. Actual: Jax 34, Steelers 24. Herald predicted: Dolphins 27, Jersey/B 20. Actual: Jersey/B 20, Dolphins 3. (Half right!) According to a Herald spokesperson, however, hand recounting of NFL statistics shows the paper has been 100 percent correct on every prediction this season.
If your favorite paper predicts scores and they can be viewed on the Web or e-mailed, let TMQ know via The Fray, slugging your entry "Hometown Paper."
Reader Animadversions: Several readers wrote in to protest TMQ's political references to the election food fight. On reflection, maybe they're right. As Thomas Jefferson so wisely said, all men and women "are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and lifting the home blackout rule 72 hours in advance." So why taint football by association with politics?
TMQ Trivia Challenge: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do poorly on the Trivia Challenge." (TMQ, 2000.) This is the lesson from last week's question. It was:
Everyone knows pro football at one time did not allow the forward pass. (At least, everyone with priorities in order knows this.) Of the following, identify any inaccurate statement about pro football days of yore:
—Grabbing the facemask was legal.
—A field goal was worth five points.
—A field goal was worth four points.
—Balls deflected off the officials remained in play, leading to the famed "zebra bounce" trick play immortalized by the Massillon Tigers.
—For night games, the ball was white with black stripes.
—There was a team called the Pottsville Maroons.
—There was a team called the Kenosha Steam Roller.