Bengals Romp, Jets Come Back From 30-7, Ralph Nader Elected in Landslide

The team cruises to an easy victory, smashing yardage barriers while a running back wearing No. 28 has a record afternoon. Another day at the office for the other-worldly St. Louis Rams.

But wait, this was Cincinnati! The Bengals: 0-6 when Sunday dawned, worst overall record in the past decade, the Yugo of NFL franchises. These selfsame Bengals pasted a very respectable Denver team. They piled up 408 yards rushing, close to the all-time team mark of 426 set by the Lions in 1934. Back Corey Dillon, who wears that Marshall-Faulk-ish No. 28, ran for 278 yards—most ever in an NFL game, eclipsing the 275 accomplished by the sainted Walter Payton.

Sure, a few things never change: In one of the best performances in team history, the Bengals nevertheless managed to complete just two passes. But still!

Could the game be confirmation of the Brownian-jump theory? This idea holds that since all atoms constantly vibrate randomly in Brownian motion, if by chance every atom in an object vibrated in one direction, when it vibrated back the object would spontaneously move—a brick could fly into the air for no clear reason. The effect is so improbable that physicists estimate that throughout the history of the cosmos, no object above molecular size has ever actually spontaneously propelled itself. Yet Sunday, inexplicable physics-defying motion was the rule for the Bengals. Perhaps they could be renamed the Cincinnati Brownians.

Corey Dillon management footnote: This gentleman now owns two of the top five rushing days in NFL history, Sunday's effort and a 246-yard performance in 1997. Last winter, when the Bengals were trying to jaw down Dillon's signing request, the team posted a lengthy article on its official Web site criticizing his skills as a runner. Dillon responded with a contract maneuver that makes him a free agent after the season, ensuring he will leave Cincinnati. Congratulations to those heady personnel managers at the striped-helmet franchise.

Presidential Point Spread: The Tuesday Morning Quarterback line: Bush giving 2 percent. Over/under: 45 percent voter turnout.

Subway Series Note: New York City owns baseball this year, but resplendent New Jersey owns football, with Jersey/A Giants and Jersey/B Jets a combined 11-3. (California teams a combined 8-14, Florida a combined 10-12.) If the Giants and Jets meet in January's Super Bowl, an appellation will be required. How about the Swamp Series?

Jets Comeback Note: The Dolphins had outgained Jersey/B by 207 yards to seven yards in the first quarter; they led 20-0; the Jets didn't record a first down until 6:56 left in the half. Yet TMQ stared at the Marine Mammals on his TV set and cried aloud with full confidence, "Thou art doomed, doomed!" You are just going to have to believe that.

Best Plays of the Week: Best No. 1. The Jets' lineman-eligible trick pass to 300-pound tackle Jumbo Elliott to tie the Dolphins and send a great Monday Night game into overtime. Not many teams are willing to risk throwing to a lineman; when was the last time someone did this with 42 seconds to play and the game on the line? Elliott now replaces Tampa guard Randall McDaniel, who caught a lineman-eligible earlier in the season, as the slowest person ever to catch an NFL touchdown. (Postwar era only.)

Best No. 2. Twice against the Rams, Chiefs QB Elvis Grbac got big gains—a 30-yard touchdown and a 36-yard pass interference penalty—by not just play-faking but using "crouch fakes." In a crouch fake, the QB bends over the ball momentarily after feigning the handoff. Few quarterbacks do this, yet those who do (Boomer Esiason was a master) know regular success. So, why aren't all QBs coached to crouch-fake? The movement is unnatural—from coaches' boxes above, it is a dead giveaway of a play-action pass—but effective at hiding the ball from the defensive front. The fact that coaches in a skybox can see what's going on with the crouch fake seems to prevent most from remembering that what matters is not what they see, but what the defense sees.