New Jersey Resplendent

The stadium scene.
Sept. 19 2000 9:00 PM

New Jersey Resplendent

(Continued from Page 1)

Stat of the Week: The Rams have scored an incredible 119 points in three games, which puts them on the pace for 7,543 points in the decade. (Actual figure at the current rate.) That photonic vortex beam generator Kurt Warner brought with him from his homeworld on the star-cruiser sure seems to be paying off!

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Quote of the Week: New England safety Lawyer Milloy, denouncing sportswriters who say there is turmoil inside the 0-3 Patriots organization: "You guys can't possibly understand what's going on in here, because a lot of times we don't know what's going on in here."

Great Moments in Management: During preseason the Bills' rookie kick-returner had fumble problems, so just prior to opening day, Buffalo traded him for Denver returner Chris Watson. The normally astute Bills management seemed not to have checked the fumble charts, which show Watson led all NFL returners in coughing up the ball last season; nor to have read the Denver Post, which reported that the Broncos were relieved to unload a liability. On Sunday, Watson fumbled away two consecutive punts in the fourth quarter, causing Buffalo to self-destruct.

New Jersey Resplendent: Everyone's noting that the two New York City teams have not been a combined 6-0 since the late Eisenhower administration. But aha, then they actually were New York City teams! Since both now play in New Jersey (official state motto: Don't Worry, That Stuff Is Biodegradable), this marks the first time in NFL history—in fact, the first time in the entire recorded history of known civilization—that the Garden State has been 6-0.

Here is how the NFL standings break down by state: adjusting for the fact, pointed out by many irked New-York-area readers, that the Washington Indigenous Persons are really the Maryland Indigenous Persons:

New Jersey: 6-0
Florida: 7-2
Missouri: 4-2
New York: 2-1
Maryland: 3-3
Ohio: 2-3
Texas: 1-2
California: 2-7
Pennsylvania: 1-4
All other single-team states: 16-20

The Curse of Potential: Under the NFL's quarterback rating formula, a Pro Bowl year is a figure of about 100, while if every single pass thrown by a quarterback simply clangs to the ground incomplete, the rating is 40. After three appearances Ryan Leaf, second pick in the 1998 draft, has a QB rating of 32.6. He's worse than pure incompletions. Ye gods.

Reader Haiku of the Week: TMQ reserves the right to go haiku without warning, in times and places of its own choosing. This week, however, will be given over to verse submitted by readers.

This from reader W. E. White:

The rush attempt fails
The passes—all incomplete
We are the Steelers

Here, from reader David Waghalter:

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