Saturday, Feb. 15: When injured American skier Lindsey Vonn withdrew from the Olympics earlier this year, it was bad news for the sentiment-mongers at NBC, but great news for the rest of the women’s Alpine skiing field. Vonn’s absence leaves an open slot on the podium for today’s women’s Super-G event, and I, for one, am hoping that slot is filled by Tina Maze, who doubles as a pop musician in her native Slovenia. Maze’s latest hit is titled “My Way is My Decision,” which, I guess, is a better sentiment than something like “My Way is the Path of Least Resistance.” When you’re done with skiing, switch to the exciting men’s skeleton heats, where Queens native John Daly should be going for the USA. Skeleton John Daly is not the same person as the professional golfer John Daly, but feel free to pretend that he is, if only because it’s really funny to imagine the slovenly long-drive king sliding face-first down an ice slide.
Sunday, Feb. 16: Ted Ligety! Ted Ligety! Ted! Ted! Ligety! Ligety! America’s best male skier also has one of America’s most chantable names, and advertisers are taking notice: Ligety recently inspired an odd J.C. Penney commercial that reimagined the 1996 Blackstreet song “No Diggity” as a skiing-and-shopping anthem titled “Go Ligety.” (I guess this was a better choice than “Gettin’ Ted Ligety With It,” but not by much.) Cheer for Ligety to medal in the Super-G today, in hopes that his profile stays high and you can convince him to endorse the Ligety-Split, a banana-based ice cream novelty that you’re hoping to get into stores pretty soon, if you can only figure out a way to stop the whipped cream from leaking through the wrapper.
Monday, Feb. 17: Earlier this year, out of a residual affection for the 1993 children’s movie Cool Runnings, the Internet rallied behind Jamaica’s two-man bobsled team, reportedly raising about $30,000 in the cryptocurrency dogecoin so the athletes could make their way to Sochi. While the Jamaicans almost certainly won’t medal this year, here’s hoping that this latest story might inspire a Cool Runnings sequel, if only because Doug E. Doug really needs the work.
Tuesday, Feb. 18: There’s nothing quite as hypnotic as long-distance speed-skating—except, of course, for the delightful comedy hypnotism of Frank Santos Jr. While you’re watching today’s men’s 10,000-meter race, pay special attention to Sven Kramer of the Netherlands, who reportedly hurt himself when he fell off a swing in 2012.* “This sounds very clumsy, and it is,” he said later. “Especially because I wasn't even swinging. I was just sitting on it and slipped off.” Kramer is the favorite today, if he can maintain a steady pace, and avoid any untimely run-ins with stray playground equipment or comedy hypnotists.
Wednesday, Feb. 19: In 2012, American hurdler and celebrity virgin Lolo Jones competed in the Summer Olympics. Today, having reinvented herself as American bobsledder and celebrity virgin Lolo Jones, she will compete with her teammates in the bobsled. Regardless of whether Jones medals, I look forward to seeing her compete in the 2015 Spring Olympics, a brand-new event created for the express purpose of giving celebrity virgin Lolo Jones something nonsexual to do next spring.
Thursday, Feb. 20: Everyone will be watching ladies’ free skating tonight, the final figure-skating event, in which South Korea’s Yuna Kim and Japan’s Mao Asada—the 2010 gold and silver medalists—are expected to repeat their turns on the podium. If you get bored with figure skating, tune in to the men’s ski cross event and root for Anton Grimus, a fiercely bearded Australian whose motto is “Eat schnitzel, get big, ski fast.” My Japanese isn’t that great, but I believe this is also Mao Asada’s motto. If it’s not, it should be.
Friday, Feb. 21: With 37 combined medals since the sport made its Olympic debut in 1992, the South Koreans have dominated short-track speed skating. With zero combined medals, the Russians have not. This might change now that Russia boasts a South Korean short-track star of its own: Ahn Hyun-Soo, who won three gold medals for South Korea at the 2006 Winter Olympics, and then switched his affiliation to Russia in 2011 after a dispute with his South Korean coach and teammates. (He also changed his name to “Viktor Ahn,” because, as he explained it, “the name Viktor is associated with the word victory.”) While you watch Ahn compete in today’s men’s 500-meter short track finals, remember that “I can always take my talents to Russia” is a great negotiating tactic to have in your back pocket during your next annual performance review.
Saturday, Feb. 22: At 36, American skier Bode Miller is probably competing in his last Olympic Games. Though Miller was once the preeminent Good Time Charlie of the Alpine skiing circuit, he has mellowed since his party-boy heyday—according to ESPN’s Wayne Drehs, Miller has become “an unabashed homebody” who is “not afraid to cry at romantic movies.” As you watch the final men’s Alpine skiing event today, raise a glass to Miller’s outstanding career, before pouring that glass out on the curb, humming the “hope I die before I get old” section of The Who’s “My Generation,” and contemplating the stultifying age-related lameness that lies in store for us all. Note: Today is also the last hurrah for the great Mexican skier Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe-Langenburg, the 55-year-old photographer and fashion plate who is expected to look sharp in a mariachi-themed skiing outfit. Now that’s how you go out in style.
Sunday, Feb. 23: The Sochi Games conclude with a presumably insane closing ceremony and a presumably exciting men’s gold medal hockey game. Canada, Russia, and the USA all have a chance to make it this far, but I’d also keep an eye out for Sweden, featuring 41-year-old Daniel Alfredsson, who, in his official photograph on the Olympic website, looks like he was just arrested for vagrancy. Still, his photo is much better than that of American forward Phil Kessel, who looks like Friar Tuck. “Vagrants and woodsmen” will likely be the theme of tonight's closing ceremony, if I know anything about Russia. Which, as we've already established, I do not. And now I don't have to anymore! Goodbye, Sochi!
Correction, Feb. 7, 2014: This article originally misstated that speed skater Sven Kramer represents Sweden. He is from the Netherlands.