Are You Happy Now?
Gretchen Rubin shares tips and takes your questions about happiness.
Slate blogger Gretchen Rubin was online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers about "The Happiness Project," a look into the year she spent test-driving scores of different strategies for being happy. An unedited transcript of the chat follows.
Gretchen Rubin: Hello everyone, I'm so pleased to be here. I'm looking forward to an hour of talking (well, typing) about happiness with all of you.
Columbus, Ohio: Gretchen—What role have you found that religion plays in happiness?
Gretchen Rubin: Such a fascinating question. In general, religious people seem to be happier than non-religious people—under various definitions of "religiosity," such as church attendance or professed spiritual beliefs.
You can see why this would be. Religion can be a source of many happiness-boosting elements in a person's life:
—provides answers to difficult questions, like what happens after death
—provides a framework in which people receive support, and just as important to happiness, GIVE support to others
—along the same lines, it gives people a sense of "belonging" which is very important to happiness
—connects people to something larger than themselves, transcendent values like gratitude, awe, art, meaning in suffering
—gives people rituals for celebration, grief, and daily life
—focuses people's attention on living a moral life
In a fascinating discussion of this issue in Diener and Biswas-Diener's book, Happiness, they argue that the nature of a person's religious beliefs seems to make a difference. People in religions that teach that believers in other faiths are condemned, for example, tend to have lower life satisfaction. People who believe in heaven and hell tend to be less happy than those believe only in heaven.
People who aren't religious can think about how to incorporate these values into their lives. For example, I follow a resolution to "Imitate a spiritual master." Everyone would pick a different spiritual master; in my case, it's St. Therese of Lisieux, even though I'm not Catholic. I was so thunderstruck by her memoir, Story of a Soul, that she became my model.
Bethesda, Md.: Hi Gretchen,
I stumbled across your Happiness Project blog on Slate, and thanks for the help in finding perspective in my life.
Can you comment on the term itself? When I think of "happiness," I tend to think of "unseriousness," being flippant, unrealistic. Aren't we really talking about a whole range of things: self-respect, contentment, peace, etc?
Gretchen Rubin: Ah, the definition of the word happiness is a very large challenge in this area. There are about 15 different academic definitions and synonyms for happiness—subjective well-being, positive affect, hedonic tone, etc. You're right, the word "happiness" has an unscientific, glib connotation, unfortunately.
I went to law school and, boy, do I remember spending a semester talking about the definition of a contract.
I decided that for my purposes, I wasn't going to worry too much about precisely defining happiness. Like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who said of obscenity, "I know it when I see it," I decided that all of us have an idea of happiness that could work for us. You might emphasize peace, another person might emphasize contentment, etc.
I think a helpful way to get out of this puzzle is to say, not "How can I be happy?" (which also falsely suggests an end-point) but "How can I be happier?" I think the important thing is to take steps toward greater happiness, however you might define it for yourself.
Boston: What's been your biggest surprise as you've worked on your happiness project?
Gretchen Rubin: What an interesting question.
One big surprise was the importance of my physical condition. Happiness can seem like an abstract, transcendent notion, but in fact, I found that getting enough sleep (very important!!), getting exercise, not letting myself get too hungry, not letting myself get too cold (I'm a person who is always cold), made a big difference. Partly because I felt happier, partly because feeling physically comfortable makes it easier to keep other difficult happiness-boosting resolutions like biting my tongue.
I was also very surprised by how much novelty and challenge contribute to happiness. Turns out that people who try new things, go new places, learn new skills, etc. are happier. This can be tough, because novelty and challenge also bring frustration and irritation—but if you can push through that, novelty and challenge can bring enormous happiness rewards.
This is because of the importance of the "atmosphere of growth" to happiness. If you feel like you're learning, growing, making something better, helping someone or something else to grow, that's makes a big difference to your happiness.
I'm a creature of routine, and I hate feeling incompetent, so I avoided novelty and challenge. Making an effort to push myself in that way has brought me surprising boost.
Chevy Chase: What steps would you suggest for embarking upon one's own happiness project? My new year's resolution is to have more joy in my life.
Gretchen Rubin: To think about your own happiness, think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.
First, ask yourself—what makes me feel good? what brings me joy, fun, contentment, satisfaction?
Second, ask yourself—what makes me feel bad? what brings me anger, resentment, boredom, guilt, and regret?
Third, ask yourself—do I feel right about my life? Am I living the life I'm "supposed" to be living? Does my life reflect my values?
Finally, ask yourself—how am I changing, growing, learning? how am I helping others to change and grow?
These questions help you figure out where changes might boost your happiness, whether by adding or eliminating elements in your life. Next challenge: translate these changes into concrete, measurable resolutions.
For example, your resolution is to "have more joy in my life"—that's a worthy goal, but abstract, so it needs to be translated into actual actions that you can do. Maybe you love movies. You might resolve to "See a new movie twice a week," "Sign up for Netflix," "Start a film club with some friends," "Start a blog where I review one movie a week." Or whatever would work for you.
I copied Ben Franklin's virtue chart—I have a chart with all my resolutions running across the top, and the days of the month running on the side. Each day, I score myself. That way, I keep myself accountable for my resolutions.
This approach has worked really well for me. The key elements, though, are CONCRETENESS and ACCOUNTABILITY. In my experience, that's an effective way to bring about consistent change. Which is not easy to do.