When Loki, the god of constitutional mischief, is in the right frame of mind, the Supreme Court can be a fantastically fun place to be. With all the talk of judicial bitterness, anger, and recriminations, it's easy to forget how much fun life tenure can be. Today is just one of those days.
Things get off to a warm and fuzzy start as the justices hand down three unanimous opinions. Unanimous! One is a ruling in favor of an Army reservist in his employment discrimination claim. The second hands a big win to a veteran who filed his benefits claim late. And the third involves AT&T's claim that, for purposes of the Freedom of Information Act, it should be entitled to withhold information that might violate the company's "personal privacy."
Now, as you may recall, oral argument did not go all that well for the company that only really wanted to be treated like a real, live boy. And so it was, perhaps, no surprise that the Supreme Court ruled unanimously today that corporations do not have such a thing as "personal privacy" for the purposes of FOIA. What was surprising was Chief Justice John Roberts' unanimous opinion for the court, which contains more laugh lines than Two and a Half Men—and half the coke.
As you may recall from oral argument, the chief spent the better part of the hour poking fun at AT&T's claim that the adjective personal means the same thing as the noun person, such that the statute's treatment of corporations as "persons" means that corporations are also somehow capable of getting "personal." As he explained at argument, that claim makes no sense. "I tried to sit down and come up with other examples where the adjective was very different from the root noun," he observed at the time. "It turns out it is not hard at all. You have craft and crafty. Totally different. Crafty doesn't have much to do with craft. Squirrel, squirrely. Right? I mean, pastor—you have a pastor and pastoral. Same root, totally different."
Today's majority opinion continues this same jolly monologue, musing—with copious citations to Webster's that "[t]he noun crab refers variously to a crustacean and a type of apple, while the related adjective crabbed can refer to handwriting that is 'difficult to read,' " and goes on to observe that "corny can mean 'using familiar and stereotyped formulas believed to appeal to the unsophisticated,' which has little to do with corn, ('the seeds of any of the cereal grasses used for food')."
All of this would be more than enough hijinks for even a good day at the court, but upon reading the opinion in its entirety, it turns out that after robbing AT&T of its last vestiges of corporate personhood (at least for FOIA purposes) the chief's rollicking good mood leads him to pen what may be the funniest closing sentences in opinion-writing history: "The protection in FOIA against disclosure of law enforcement information on the ground that it would constitute an unwarranted invasion of personal privacy does not extend to corporations. We trust that AT&T will not take it personally."
This hilarity extends into today's oral argument, in a case with little intrinsic hilarity. In a case from Oregon, the court is being asked to determine whether social workers need either a warrant, parental consent, or exigent circumstances in order to go into public schools and interview child victims (often the sole witnesses) in sex abuse cases. According to the state, sexual abuse is a unique crime in that it happens in the home and there is often only the single child witness, which means that questioning minors in schools becomes the most viable way to elicit the truth in a place in which they feel safe.
The 9-year-old child in this case was interviewed by a social worker and an armed law enforcement officer at her school, after suspicions arose that her dad was sexually abusing her. After a very lengthy interrogation about how he was touching her, the child and her sibling were removed from the home and sent to foster care. But the child later explained that she had lied and implicated her father so that she wouldn't miss her bus home.
The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals decided that the Fourth Amendment was in fact violated when the child was questioned in the absence of a warrant, exigent (or emergency) circumstances, or parental consent. The child's lawyers and the wide swath of groups that support her argue that this is the most consequential parents' rights case to come before the court in decades, and that if the court allows children to be interrogated in this fashion at school, family privacy—and children themselves—will be in peril.
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