Dear Big Baby Jesus,
Listen to me: Accept fate and embrace your inner Anti-Christ. It’ll all work out. Think of it this way–there’s no way in hell (literally) the Anti-Christ has to diet. No! The Anti-Christ gets to eat whatever the Anti-Christ wants to eat! General Tso’s chicken and Fettuccine Alfredo and Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse steaks and any damn thing! The downside is that people will blame you for destroying the world, but whatever.
You’re right: big bummer out of Amman–the Crown Prince was a solid, peace-loving individual, though about as exciting as a lump of humus. Now Sidney Blumenthal, he’s much more exciting than a lump of humus. I have a confession, too–I also find Sidney slightly attractive. In the way I find oil slicks attractive.
Do you think we should do something for Kim Delaney, like flowers, or a scholarship fund?
I agree with you completely (don’t you just love to hear that) on the Olympic question; sure, they’re picking on the Africans, who I’m sure took bribes, but what do they want–one of the guys who allegedly took bribes was from the Congo, where the average yearly income is zero. It’s the corrupt Europeans who deserve flaying, or the rack, or being forced to take synchronized swimming lessons.
Oh, Kim, what will we do without you? I guess losing Sifuentes (whoops, wrong role) was too much. I love NYPD Blue, even though it’s racist and fascistic and derivative–I mean, one week, could these guys maybe not solve a case in under 50 minutes? And when they solve it, could they solve it without beating the shit out of poor black actors who are already oppressed because the only parts they get to play are suspects who get the shit beat out of them on NYPD Blue?
Two questions: Are Busta Rhymes and Lee Ann Rimes related? Also, why is it called Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse? I’ll give you ten dollars for each correct answer.
All my best,
Sidney Blumenthal
