Get through the Haggadah in two minutes flat.

On Monday night at sundown, Jews everywhere will begin celebrating the first night of Passover. Before they can eat their unleavened meal, though, they'll have to complete the Seder, a religious service conducted on the first and sometimes second nights of the eight-day holiday that can often seem interminable. In 2006, Michael Rubiner drafted a plan for a shorter, sweeter Seder. His proposal is reprinted below.

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.