The Pew poll does, however, cast some unintentional illumination. It shows that no matter how accurate the National Enquirer or any tabloid might become, readers and non-readers (especially) will never forgive it its dubious past, especially if it sticks with the distinctive "trade dress" of a supermarket tabloid—sensational headlines printed in yellow; a red, white, and black logo; glossy newsprint stock. And it proves that folks would rather judge a publication (People) for where it lives—on a supermarket checkout wire rack alongside such deliberately unbelievable publications as the Weekly World Newsand the Sun—than for what's printed inside.
My sweetheart laughed while habanero peppers burned my eyes bloody. Send your best tabloid headline to firstname.lastname@example.org. (E-mail may be quoted by name unless the writer stipulates otherwise.)