The 66 Things I Am Worried Will Go Wrong for Hillary Clinton in the Debates

I am so scared that Hillary Clinton is going to blow the presidential debates and get Donald Trump elected. Here are the 66 scenarios that could hurt Clinton that I am most worried about:

1. Trump orders pizza for everyone in the United States.
2. Clinton says Trump’s supporters fall into a “hamper of detestables,” “bottle of Nazis,” or “container of stinkies.”
3. Bernie Sanders shows up drunk, climbs onto the stage, and gives a really embarrassing toast.
4. In the middle of the first debate, Clinton places a bobblehead of Henry Kissinger on her lectern.
5. Trump says, “You all already voted for me,” and, because the moderators fail to fact-check him, it is accepted by America as true.
6. Trump says, “I am currently the president,” and, because the moderators fail to fact-check him, it is accepted by America as true.
7. Trump says, “I am currently the president forever,” and, because the moderators fail to fact-check him, it is accepted by America as true.
8. Instead of answering questions, Trump repeatedly lists his children and how tall they are.
9. Instead of answering questions, Clinton repeatedly says, “You’re fired” in an increasingly deep voice.
10. Clinton gives all her answers in the form of Vox-style explainers.
11. Clinton accidentally gives all her answers as Benghazi acrostics.
12. Clinton tries to blend in by doing a Norwegian accent.
13. In an effort to coin a new nickname, Clinton calls Trump “Dick-Size Demonstration Donald.”
14. Or “Donald Duck Donald.”
15. Or “Dennis the Menace Donald.”
16. Clinton exhorts millennials to Pokémon Go Prevent the End of Democracy as We Know It.
17. Clinton states that her favorite James Baldwin novel is Pokémon Go Tell It on the Mountain.
18. Clinton fondly remembers the time Ronald Reagan said, “Mr. Pokémon Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
19. Clinton observes that Joseph Pokémon Goebbels was a Trumplike figure.
20. Clinton tells people to vote so we don’t have another Bush v. Pokémon Gore.
21. Clinton attempts a Harambe joke but mistakenly refers to him as “Habermas.”
22. Clinton tries to say the word giraffe, but instead she says gaffe, and her poll numbers plummet.
23. Clinton accidentally refers to herself six times as “Shrillary.”
24. Every time the crowd applauds for Clinton, she beams and applauds back.
25. Clinton hires Jimmy Fallon to muss her hair for the entire length of the debate, and he gives her a concussion.
26. Clinton comes out in a Ghostbusters outfit and announces that she fully supports our Lady Ghostbusters Are Better Than Man Ghostbusters Cultural Revolution.
27. At the Oct. 9 debate, Clinton treats Martha Raddatz as the Encyclopedia Britannica, asking her the date of the Battle of Waterloo, who Monet was, and how many scruples are in a dram.
28. Clinton gets the blue screen of death.
29. Clinton says she “short-circuited,” “has water damage,” or “is a robot. Beep boop beep boop!”
30. Clinton goes into power save mode and disables animations.
31. Clinton says she would expand Obamacare for the country and AppleCare for herself.
32. Trump pointedly refers to Debbie Wasserman Schultz as “Debbie What’s-Her-Name Schultz” and gets a standing ovation.
33. When asked about Aleppo, Trump says, “Who is that? Is he the magician that made Clinton’s emails disappear?” and gets a standing ovation.
34. Trump brings a real live deleted email onstage to talk about its hardships.
35. Trump tells the audience to look under their seats, like on Oprah. When they don’t find anything, he whispers, “It’s just like the missing emails.”
36. Every time Clinton wants to restart a sentence, she says, “Hang on, let me delete that and start over.”
37. When asked why people do not trust her, Clinton responds that nobody should trust anybody under any circumstances.
38. Anthony Weiner throws tiny crumpled love notes to Huma Abedin onto the stage for the entire debate.
39. As she walks onto the debate stage, Clinton fakes a limp because she thinks it will attract sympathy and win over moderate voters.
40. The first time Clinton tries to speak, she vomits instead, and the vomit spells, “I am dead.”
41. There’s a mix-up, and both Clinton and her body double show up onstage.
42. At the Oct. 9 debate, Clinton is blinded by a twinkle in Anderson Cooper’s eye.
43. Clinton puts both legs in the same leg of her pantsuit.
44. Lester Holt moderates Monday’s debate in a “Monica Sucks but Not Like Hillary” T-shirt.
45. The Trump campaign gives Gennifer Flowers facemasks to everyone in the audience, and they wear them.
46. Bill Clinton brings a date.
47. Bill shouts, “He has a point!” after every one of Trump’s answers.
48. Ten minutes into the first debate, Bill tweets “BILL COSBY INNOCENT !!!!!!!!!!”
49. Bill’s phone accidentally connects to the auditorium Bluetooth and plays a recording of “Witch Doctor,” and then a karaoke arrangement of “Witch Doctor,” and then a chopped-and-screwed remix of “Witch Doctor” before the auditorium technicians can fix the problem.
50. Clinton responds ineffectively after Holt introduces Bernard Shaw to ask her what she would do if Bill were raped and murdered.
51. Trump takes out a big fan and it blows Clinton away.
52. Trump sees a red cape from the stage and gets angrier than he has ever been before.
53. Clinton says that, even as the MVP of ISIS, she would kneel during the national anthem.
54. Clinton bashfully admits she never gave Trump a wedding gift and belatedly offers him a refurbished Vitamix wrapped in a bow.
55. Trump gets Clinton stuck in the Pete/Repeat joke for 30 minutes.
56. A spam robot calls Clinton to tell her she won a cruise, and in trying to claim her prize, Clinton slowly and clearly recites her Social Security number on live TV.
57. The Kissinger bobblehead explodes and severs a Laotian child’s spinal cord.
58. When asked to talk about a black friend, Hillary talks about Bill.
59. When asked to talk about a black friend, Trump takes out his iPhone, goes online, and lists a bunch of names from the Wu-Tang name generator.
60. Obama interrupts the last debate with an announcement that he was born in Kenya and is made of plywood.
61. Clinton shows up late and says she was on “CPT,” which she insists stands for “close to the punctual time.”
62. Clinton calls Trump the N-word.
63. Trump calls Clinton the N-word.
64. Chris Wallace calls himself the N-word.
65. Ten minutes before the last debate is scheduled to end, a burst of light and lightning overwhelms the stage. Out of the fading maelstrom steps a grizzled man in what looks like a charred factory uniform. “People of the past,” he intones, “I come to you from the year 2044—or, as we call it, year 28 of the reign of our supreme leader Donald J. Trump.” As the time traveler painstakingly details the dystopian world in which he lives and urges the American people not to elect Trump, Clinton looks on in horror, locking her jaw and bulging her eyes a little. “Hillary’s Time Traveler Face” becomes a meme on Twitter and is remembered as the greatest political gaffe of 2016.
66. Trump acts like a reasonable person.

L.V. Anderson, Allison Benedikt, Ben Mathis-Lilley, Heather Schwedel, and Jordan Weissmann contributed to this list.

Read more Slate coverage of the 2016 campaign.