No. 495: "And the Portions Are So Small"

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Oct. 26 2000 3:00 AM

No. 495: "And the Portions Are So Small"

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Randy's Wrap-Up

Thinking about the Jimmy Carter Library—and I was—raises this question: Why a library? It's not a rule that ex-presidents must open a library. Just seeing the words "Ronald Reagan" and "library" in the same sentence makes my head hurt. (As does the pair "Ronald" and "Reagan" and the words "monkey" and "pilot"—because I'd hate that, being on a plane, maybe I'm going to Spain or someplace, and I'm like at 35,000 feet, and the intercom crackles to life, and this voice says—"This is your pilot, Capt. Monkey …" Even though it's a talking monkey and probably really smart, I'd be pretty unhappy. Even if I weren't going to Spain, but maybe just Florida.)

Why not a Jimmy Carter Presidential Restaurant? People like eating out. He could name dishes after important events and people in his administration—the Khomeiniburger? With a side of Bert Lance something-or-others? And for dessert some funny food named after Three Mile Island. And then instead of ordinary coffee, some bitter caffeinated beverage that reminds you that at least he stopped a major weapons system, the B1 Bomber, unlike a more recent southern president which you could have with cream or milk or half-and-half.

Because, see—have I established the wacky premise?—it's not like some federal law that every ex-president has to open a library. The National Archives has plenty of old cardboard boxes to store the presidential papers right in Washington. Carter could open up some whole other thing that would be funny because it would be so unlikely—a chain of brake and muffler and frozen yogurt shops? That would taste awful even without those dreary policy papers, or perhaps the yogurt would make your car perform poorly—either way, funny!

Actual Carter Library Fun Fact: "Restrooms are to the right of the entrance and down the stairs. Telephones and water fountains are in the same area along the corridor."

You can confirm this  here or by turning right at the entrance and going down the stairs. Although why you should doubt me, I don't know. It can't be much fun going through life so suspicious. Perhaps you should get some professional help for this problem you have trusting anyone. Have you an unusually small penis of some kind? Such was the problem with President Carter, but he overcame it and went on to establish both the Department of Energy and the Department of Education. You can see a lifesize replica of the presidential penis by turning right at the entrance and going down the stairs. Or perhaps you can't. Is it possible that I've fabricated this unlikely tale to further erode your trust? No, it is not. I did it simply to entertain you.

To better enjoy the Carter library: Hold the phone up to the water fountain and say, Guess where I'm calling from? A waterfall! Telephones and water fountains are in the same area along the corridor.

How about a Jimmy Carter Presidential Massage Parlor? It is an unlikely juxtaposition and would allow you to make a funny remark about a sexual activity just like a professional funny remark maker! Enjoy!

Wade in the Answer

Jimmy Carter, a third-generation Southern Baptist and the first born-again U.S. president, has ended his association with the Southern Baptist Convention, because its "increasingly rigid" doctrines violate the "basic premises of my Christian faith."

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