It is with genuine sadness that I announce my intention to step down from the News Quiz in order to spend more time with my family (or with Ellen Barkin's family, if I can get the judge to quash that court order). Operations will cease on Election Day.
I've not yet decided on the form of the last quiz. It might be the kind of final episode that ties up all the loose ends and forecloses any chance of reviving the thing—Tim Carvell gets killed in a helicopter crash; the one-armed man turns out to be my father and we finally kiss and then we're both killed in a helicopter crash, that sort of thing. (But did you actually see the body? And do you want to?)
Or it might simply be a typical episode, after which I toast you all with a glass of free-range rug shampoo, throw a crisp salute in the direction of Strom Thurmond's ass, and stroll off into the sunset. ("Then, down the road, if I really need the money, I can come crawling to Michael Kinsley and ask for my cushy job back," I did not add.)
One thing I have decided, there will definitely be a wrap party, and you're all invited. Details to come.
Tory Adored Answer
British Conservative Party leader, William Hague, said it about the New Labor philosophy of Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Speaking in Bournemouth at the party's annual convention, he proclaimed the Tories ready to recapture the nation with a program concentrating on education, health care, old age pensions—or am I thinking of the Republicans? The Democrats?
The party's spokeswoman on law enforcement, News Quiz favorite Ann Widdecombe, made an appeal for "zero tolerance," calling for an automatic $150 fine for anyone caught with even a small amount of marijuana in their bloodstream—no physical possession necessary.
There is something of a rift between her authoritarian wing of the party and the libertarian faction, critical of what they see as her cruel stance on gays, asylum seekers, and minorities, as opposed to their more moderate position of cold-hearted indifference, if I correctly articulate their positions, which I have no interest in doing.
Our Pig-Ignorant Governor Extra
TODAY IN SLATE
More Than Scottish Pride
Scotland’s referendum isn’t about nationalism. It’s about a system that failed, and a new generation looking to take a chance on itself.
What Charles Barkley Gets Wrong About Corporal Punishment and Black Culture
Why Greenland’s “Dark Snow” Should Worry You
Three Talented Actresses in Three Terrible New Shows
Why Do Some People See the Virgin Mary in Grilled Cheese?
The science that explains the human need to find meaning in coincidences.
Happy Constitution Day!
Too bad it’s almost certainly unconstitutional.