"Hire Barry McCaffrey to insert pro-ABC messages into anti-drug messages."—Will Vehrs
"Watch ABC five nights in a row, and you get to kick Norm MacDonald in the balls."—Evan Serpick
"Distribute condoms and ecstasy bearing the ABC logo at junior high schools."—Chris Thomas
"Print logos of new shows on sides of Russian rockets, then hold contest as to which crashes down to Earth first."—Douglas Walker
"Who Wants To Win a Part on a Doomed Sitcom?!"—Beth Sherman
"Thousands of carefully trained Norm Macdonald look-alikes go door-to-door in suburban neighborhoods doing small chores and fighting crime."—John Woodward
"Monday Night Football replaced by Monday Night Blow Job (only in major markets)."—Evan Serpick
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TODAY IN SLATE
Black people’s disdain for “proper English” and academic achievement is a myth.
Alabama’s Insane New Abortion Law Gives Fetuses Lawyers and Puts Teenage Girls on Trial
Tattoo Parlors Have Become a Great Investment
Natasha Lyonne Is Coming to the Live Culture Gabfest. Are You?
A Jaw-Dropping Political Ad Aimed at Young Women, Apparently
How White Boy Rick, a legendary Detroit cocaine dealer, helped the FBI uncover brazen police corruption.
How Even an Old Hipster Can Age Gracefully
On their new albums, Leonard Cohen, Robert Plant, and Loudon Wainwright III show three ways.