"Hire Barry McCaffrey to insert pro-ABC messages into anti-drug messages."—Will Vehrs
"Watch ABC five nights in a row, and you get to kick Norm MacDonald in the balls."—Evan Serpick
"Distribute condoms and ecstasy bearing the ABC logo at junior high schools."—Chris Thomas
"Print logos of new shows on sides of Russian rockets, then hold contest as to which crashes down to Earth first."—Douglas Walker
"Who Wants To Win a Part on a Doomed Sitcom?!"—Beth Sherman
"Thousands of carefully trained Norm Macdonald look-alikes go door-to-door in suburban neighborhoods doing small chores and fighting crime."—John Woodward
"Monday Night Football replaced by Monday Night Blow Job (only in major markets)."—Evan Serpick
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Phrase That Never Pays Extra
TODAY IN SLATE
Blacks Don’t Have a Corporal Punishment Problem
Americans do. But when blacks exhibit the same behaviors as others, it becomes part of a greater black pathology.
I Bought the Huge iPhone. I’m Already Thinking of Returning It.
Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.
Lifetime Didn’t Think the Steubenville Rape Case Was Dramatic Enough
So they added a little self-immolation.
Two Damn Good, Very Different Movies About Soldiers Returning From War
- North Korea: American Sentenced to Hard Labor Wanted to Become “Second Snowden”
- Almost One in Four Americans Support Idea of Splitting From the Union
- ESPN Story Alleges Ravens, NFL Are Scapegoating Ray Rice in Coverup
- Dean of Islamic Studies at University of Karachi is Murdered Amid "Blasphemy" Allegations
The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola
The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.