The answer, from President Clinton at Wednesday's press conference, began: "Well, I'm basically doing for her what she's always done for me." What was the question?
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Wednesday's Question (No. 386)—"Ain't She Sweet!":
"She's perfection for the standard. She lives up to what the standard says. You saw her line and her energy. That was it. She just kept moving. She wanted. And she got it." Who is praising whom for getting what?
"The IKEA catalog, getting a little too hot and bothered over what is, after all, just another home entertainment center."—Tim Carvell
"Nora Ephron praising Nora Ephron."—Winter Miller
"It's what Donald Trump and Larry King always say before the marriage."—Steven Davis
"When are people going to realize that Splash was only a movie?"—Tim Olevsky
"Marla Maples, Patricia Duff, Jessica Sklar, and Anna Nicole Smith, praising the winner of Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire? for raising the bar for everyone."—Scott Mathias (Andrew Milner and Edward Simpson had similar answers.)
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By far, the most responses dealt with Fox's Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire? (Incidentally, its working title, softened out of deference to midwestern viewers, was Who Wants To Marry and Promptly Divorce a Multi-Millionaire?) Many of the obvious criticisms have already been voiced. (Unfortunately. This makes my job much harder.) One, at least, hasn't been answered. In "Today's Papers," Scott Shuger asked: Why weren't the producers busted for pimping? (Sure, I could call a lawyer and clarify this, but that would be cheating readers who look to me for uninformed speculation.) This is not unlike the question: Why aren't the participants in a boxing match busted for assault? In both events, participation is voluntary (although few boxing matches include a bikini contest). However, as charges would be brought not by one of the lovely boxers but by the state, that seems irrelevant. Indeed, in a drug sale, both participants are willing. (And that argument never got me off the hook.) Presumably some pretty savvy lawyers are retained by Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire? (whose other working title was Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire, Carry on a Torrid Affair With the Pool Boy, Con Him Into Killing Your Husband, and Then Double-Cross Him so He Takes the Fall While You Run Off With a Pretty Savvy Lawyer Who Could Easily Answer That Pimping Question?—I forget why they changed it).
I Knew I Shouldn't Have Bet $35,000 on a Damn Poodle Answer
Chester Collier, president of the Westminster Kennel Club, praised Ch. Salilyn 'N Erin's Shameless, a 5-year-old English springer spaniel, for winning Best in Show at the club's 124th annual dog show.
And I'd like to praise Richard Sandomir, the New York Times reporter who covered the show, for some of the finest writing and sharpest selection of quotes that have ever graced that paper. Including:
- "The crowd adored the sad-faced basset hound, Ch. Moonbeam's Astronomer, cheering Astro's every waddle as if he were Leonardo DiCaprio."
- Again re Astro: "The 7-year-old native New Yorker has lived in Buenos Aires for four years and exercises for a half-hour daily on a treadmill."
- "During Samantha's photo-op in the middle of the show ring, on a lavender rug, she hopped momentarily into the silver champion's bowl. At 42 pounds, she didn't fit as easily as last year's best in show, a six-pound papillon, and quickly hopped out."
- Quoting Michele Billings, judge of the sporting group: "The springer spaniel, for her breed, had a slightly better head, and when you say that, you've said it all."
Note to dog fanciers: yes, that is the Ch. Salilyn 'N Erin's Shameless whose sire, Ch. Salilyn's Condor, won Best in Show in 1993.
Ann Gavaghan's Hong Kong Video Rentals Extra
Love Recipe: Its only redeeming quality is the always smoldering Alex Fong's performance as a manly chef with a crush on the married-but-wavering Kathy Chow. Will she succumb to his macho charms, or will she stay in her loveless marriage with the boring dentist Stanley?
Common Sense Campaign Advice Extra
G.W. has largely abandoned "Compassionate Conservative" in favor of "Pseudo-Reformer Who Executed a Lot of Guys," but even that seems to be failing. I suggest he try Common Sense Conservative. To help him see what he could pretend that means, some Common Sense Web sites.
- Common Sense Fence, a Division of Geotek Geotek is a manufacturer of fiberglass reinforced plastics. Through our Common Sense Fence division, we sell a complete line of fiberglass, electric fencing systems.
I'm impressed, and so is Paul J., Colorado: "We installed our Common Sense Fence in 1990. I believe it is the only fence capable of handling our rough terrain. The animals respect the fence and we have yet to have a single animal escape. I can highly recommend this fence for bison"—and highly recommend G.W. Bush for the presidency of the United States! See, that's how you attract niche voters.
- The Committee for Good Common Sense
Dedicated to protecting and preserving America's economic freedom.
The Committee analyzes vital public policy activities to determine if they … establish a pro-business public policy atmosphere. The Committee then uses all modern means to educate the public—and I can only assume that "all modern means" would include powerful electrical shocks.
- Common Sense Herbal Products
Designed especially for the person on the move who has no time for measuring out, boiling, counting, etc. … Cleansing is the only way to have a healthy body. First of all, Common Sense is designed to clean the colon; no one can be healthier than when the colon is clean—or maybe the slogan should be "Clean Colon Conservatism." I'd certainly want to attend the debates, in a rubber protective suit.
- Common Sense Boats & Books
For those who would like to build their own boat, common sense is the most important criteria. … Do you really want a boat that looks like a poor mans twelve meter, or a copy of an antique "character boat," at the expense of the fore mentioned criteria. Of course not!—and that's why I'm seeking the presidency of the United States! If you kind of run it all together, it almost makes sense, unlike announcing the endorsement of Dan Quayle.
- Thomas Paine Elementary School
Principal: Dr. Lawyer Chapman—not strictly germane, but who names a kid lawyer? Shouldn't that be illegal? How do you go through life addressed as "Dr. Lawyer," muscles tensed against the phrase "Indian Chief"? I'd love to meet his (her?) parents.
Who wants to sell herself to a particularly unattractive multimillionaire?
Participants are invited to join us for the News Quiz second anniversary party, Monday, Feb. 28, from 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., in the prestigious back room of Cucina Della Fontana, Bleecker and Charles streets, New York.
As is customary, this event is BYOE, bring your own everything—food, drink, health insurance. (Not so much bring as "buy.")