No. 304: "Hee, Hee, Hee"

No. 304: "Hee, Hee, Hee"

No. 304: "Hee, Hee, Hee"

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Sept. 16 1999 3:30 AM

No. 304: "Hee, Hee, Hee"

You give the lead, I give the headline from Wednesday's London Mirror: "He's Huge, He's Powerful, He's Fast and He's Mean."

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Send your answer by noon ET Thursday to newsquiz@slate.com.

Tuesday's Question (No. 303)--"Decline and Fall":

"That was a miserable year, when I watched a great man, a man I love more than life--you know, one of the really fundamentally solid, decent people--go from 92 to 38 in a very quick period of time." Who watched whom go from 92 to 38 what?

"Donny Osmond, on a good Mormon friend's year of 54 divorces."--Tim Carvell

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"Former Chief Eunuch Li Ming on Emperor Pu-Yi's approval rating in 1911. Damn that infernal Sun Yat-Sen."--David Lofquist

"Gregory Peck about Charlton Heston's moving up the list of Hollywood's All-Time Assholes."--Marshall Efron

"I don't know, but in the metric system he would have gone from 100 to 10: Now, really, isn't that a lot easier?"--Floyd Elliot

"During his father's primary campaign, George W. Bush watched Pat Buchanan go from 1992 to 1938, the heyday of Father Coughlin, dragging the Republican Party with him. Now the party is trying to prevent him from jumping ship. Just because you're repositioning yourself as compassionate, doesn't mean you want to lose the wacko vote altogether."--Daniel Radosh

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Randy's Wrap-Up

If Microsoft does succeed in its takeover of Mattel, an unlikely event given that no such talks are in progress or even contemplated, these News Quiz Action Figures will be hitting Toys "R" Us just in time for some annual event traditionally cheapened by ritualized gift-giving stripped of any genuine feeling. You know, for the kids.

  • Reagan, the senile old fool
  • Quayle, the self-deceiving, middle-aged dunce
  • Clinton, the horny hillbilly, and what a liar!
  • Dole, the foxy grampaw--how comical are the erections of his withered old penis!
  • Madonna, the indiscriminate erotic glutton; how often she has sex!
  • Thurmond, the 1,000-year-old man who still owns slaves
  • Flockhart, the brittle underweight neurotic, yet still somehow appealing, in a tense yet vulnerable way

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Enjoy their adventures every week on C-SPANimation Saturday.

Poll-Tested Answer

George W. Bush endured a dark night of the soul when he watched his father's approval rating fall from 92 to 38.

Beating a Dead Fish Follow-Up

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"Most trout fishermen practice 'catch and release,' although it is true that some still catch and eat. Barbaric isn't it? Almost as bad as running cows down a chute and hammering their brains out."--Brad Spencer

(Actually, for my weekend recreation, I practice "run them down a chute and hammer their brains out and release." Right into my neighbor's yard. Suckers!--Ed.)

Publishing Notes Extra

The cover of the new Paladin Press catalog (Vol. 29, No. 5, September) features this notice: "WARNING: Paladin Press does not intend that any of the information contained in its books or videos be used for criminal purposes. In specific cases involving such misuse, Paladin will cooperate with law enforcement investigations."

I believe a similar notice appears on the current Knopf catalog.

Just inside, on Page 3, is this announcement: "EXPLOSIVE BOOKS NO LONGER AVAILABLE. In light of the current political and legal climate in this country, we have concluded that it is no longer feasible to publish or sell certain titles on explosives, demolitions, improvised weaponry, and self-defense, or anything by that quirky but lovable Anne Tyler."

"We didn't really include the Anne Tyler crack," they would have added, if they had a sense of humor and, you know, added things.

Clarification

The Hard Rock Cafe does not serve its customers poorly prepared food made with inferior ingredients; the Hard Rock Cafe has no customers.

Common Denominator

Bob Dole/Viagra, same as every other quiz.