No. 269: "Coaching Staff"

No. 269: "Coaching Staff"

No. 269: "Coaching Staff"

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
July 2 1999 3:15 AM

No. 269: "Coaching Staff"

Sometime Thursday, Queen Elizabeth will take off her crown, put on a purple and green dress in a thistle pattern, and step into her carriage. Where's she going?


Send your answer by 5 p.m. ET Monday to

Wednesday's Question (No. 268)--"Pyramid Power":

Today a 180-nation conference is to present the U.N. General Assembly with an action plan to reduce world population growth by employing the Cairo Strategy. Which is what?

"Post the Ten Commandments inside every classroom."--Katherine Hobson


"Not having sex with Jews."--Jon Hotchkiss

"The reintroduction of big cats into major urban centers."--Jeff Brax

"Cancel plans for Straight Pride Month."--Sean Fitzpatrick (Jim O'Grady had a similar answer.)

"I missed the last couple of days because of a computer crash. Is it too late to make fun of Giuliani?"--Greg Diamond


Click for more answers.

Randy's Wrap-Up

Many of you suggested that a great way to discourage sexual urges was to flash a photo of a really ugly person. But this seems unlikely to be effective. Such a powerful visual image certainly didn't deter the unattractive people from mating with one another--there do seem to be rather a lot of them--while attractive people are in distinctly short supply. (Hence the high rates charged by Elite Models. And try to get one over to the house: Sheesh! Like you're a criminal for asking. Like my real name couldn't be Pierre LeCluck.) Perhaps it's because the beauties are wan, weak, overbred: They've lost their erotic vitality like some brittle-boned show dog or Ron Perelman's consort. Certain nations with a history of goofball master-race ideas and a reputation for being grim and plodding lovers--you know, Germans--have long associated sexual vigor with Africans, Jews, and Trolls, frequently depicting us as ugly monkeys coupling with enthusiasm, skill, and joy. Pan isn't pretty.

Hey, You Kids, Keep It Down Answer


Five years ago, countries meeting in Cairo, Egypt, agreed that the best way to curb population growth was not to set numerical targets and launch birth-control campaigns, but to try to improve the social status, education, and health of young women. By one estimate, this plan would incur a rise in population from the present 6 billion to 9.8 billion by 2050, and stabilize at that level. However, at recent meetings, conservative elements, particularly Muslims and Roman Catholics, have sought to thwart various socially progressive aspects of the plan.

Andrew Silow-Carroll's News Roundelay Extra

Participants were invited to devise a sequentially trumping topical triad--rock, paper, scissors--along these lines: NATO, Milosevic, Albanian refugees (NATO planes crush Milosevic, Milosevic drives out refugees, refugees give NATO fits).

" 'Palestinian state' issue dogs Hillary, Hillary hires Carville, Carville founds Palestinian state."--Josh Pollack


"Republicans send big checks to George W. Bush, George W. Bush gets elected president, President George W. Bush is appropriately grateful to said Republicans. (John McCain unfortunately tried to skip Step 1.)"--Doug Welty

"The English language, the Japanese, George Bush. The English language has infiltrated Japanese slang, Japanese cuisine caused George Bush to vomit, George Bush mangles the English language."--Francis Heaney

"Salinger will want Norton to return the letters to Maynard. That way Salinger can screw Norton, too."--Michael Brant

"Supposed Chinese spies frighten the GOP, which denounces Clinton's bombing of Belgrade, which kills supposed Chinese spies."--Josh Pollack

"God creates world; world creates Adam Sandler the movie star; Sandler supplants God, a thousand years of wailing and torment follow."--Brian Danenberg

"Peter Angelos buys Orioles, Orioles can't beat anybody, anybody would be better than Peter Angelos."--Josh Pollack

Francis Heaney's Variation

" 'News Roundelay' reminds me of a game some friends and I invented in college, which we called "Rock, Paper, Anything". Two players, on the count of three, form an approximation of something with their hands and announce what that something is: for instance, a butterfly vs. Rupert Murdoch. Then a third player acts as arbiter and decides which one wins (in this case, a butterfly, because the butterfly flaps its wings and sets into a motion a chain of events that ends with Rupert Murdoch slipping on a banana peel and falling into a cement mixer). Then the loser acts as arbiter for the next round. Or the winner, who cares? This is not a goal-oriented game."--Francis Heaney

Patrick O'Brien's Headline Haiku

Olympic Snub Strikes

Budget Pie And

Sacramento's Greens Fees

Arid Rainy Season

Orange County Register, Front page, June 29, 1999

Common Denominator