Among the four pages of rules are these: women must smile and wear makeup at all times, any woman caught chewing gum gets an $80 fine, and then there's the draconian Rule 29--"if any girl gets three complaints, she must immediately resign." Rules governing what?
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Wednesday's Question (No. 260)--"A Touching (and Smelling) Tale":
"You're telling me I have to touch anyone who comes in here, even if I don't want to? I have to get up really close to them and smell their perfume, smell their breath?" asked an incredulous Michael Damico. As it turns out, yes, he does. And what does he have to do after that?
"Shake their hands and announce his candidacy for president."--Matthew Cole (Alfred Cloutier and Ken Gibson had similar answers.)
"Give them a prescription for Prozac and bill their insurance company for another successful round of outpatient diagnosis and treatment."--Peter Carlin (similarly, Tim Rogers)
"Hump their legs."--Alfred Cloutier (similarly, Sean Fitzpatrick and Sean Devine)
"Whatever happened to 'Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart?' "--Herb Terns
"Stop telling me he wants a divorce."--Alison Rogers
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Most responses could be divided into two kinds of contempt: some target snobs who disdain the rabble (the reluctant dentist, the smarmy candidate), others target slobs who are the rabble (passengers in coach, customers at Kmart). The former POV might be thought of as Democratic, the latter Republican. The Ds' motto is "We, the People"; the Rs' motto is "Ew, the People." Ds want good seats at the game; Rs want a corporate box near the game (equipped with a good television). Ds proclaim, "We're in it together"; Rs assert, "I'm in it to get you." Ds knock on tree trunks; Rs hold a leaf in their mouth and clip bits off in a noisy way. No, wait, sorry, that last thing refers to different ways chimpanzee males attract females, evidence of true cultural variation among the apes, not one of whom formally announced his candidacy yesterday.
Take a Hike, Granny, Answer
He must cut their hair.
Michael Damico, owner and operator of the Michael Giovan hair salon in New York, refuses to serve women over 25. He was astonished to learn about public access laws, but both the Department of Consumer Affairs and the Commission on Human Rights have been filling him in. "Next, I suppose you'll be saying I can't turn away Jews," he didn't add.
And on a personal note from admired News Quiz regular Beth Sherman: "This man cut my hair two years ago. Couldn't have been creepier."
- "Families deserve refuge from a culture of violence and mayhem."--Al Gore is either treating us all to an evening at Chuck E. Cheese's or launching his run for the White House.
- "That's pretty much an accomplishment that won't happen, unfortunately for basketball and America."--Phil Jackson, the new Los Angeles Lakers coach, refers either to the stoning of Michael Eisner at halftime during the NBA finals or to Michael Jordan coming out of retirement yet again.
- "Customer expectations will drive changes in vehicles if that's what customers want."-- Gloria Berquist, spokeswoman, explains why the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers is either willing to produce a new gasoline-soaked-paper car or is unwilling to accept any more damn safety regulations.
- "One hundred thirteen years of our success has been based on the trust consumers have in that quality."--Douglas Ivester, Coca-Cola chief executive, reassures Belgians that they either will be able to rely on steady supplies of new Fever-, Nausea-, and Headache-Inducing Coke or they won't.
- "There's a protest here. There's a protest there. There's a protest everywhere."--New York Mayor Giuliani is either reading from his new children's book or displaying his trademark dismissiveness and contempt for citizens who disagree with him, in this case street vendors he's throwing out of work.
- "Our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud."--Either Tom DeLay's surprisingly tasty mud soup now contains zesty chunks of real ape, or the House whip is blaming gun violence on Charles Darwin.
- "This is cultural behavior."--Andrew Whiten of the Scottish Primate Research Group is either mustering a rather limp defense of Tom DeLay or reporting surprising findings about chimpanzee life.
Sex, death, and dentistry.