No. 243: "A Crush on You"

No. 243: "A Crush on You"

No. 243: "A Crush on You"

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
May 18 1999 3:00 AM

No. 243: "A Crush on You"

"All great leaders since Moses have known that feared enemies must be crushed completely." Who served up this baloney on Sunday, to inspire whom, to do what?

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Send your answer by noon ET Tuesday to newsquiz@slate.com.

Thursday's Question (No. 242)--"Reading Is Fundamentalism":

Kicking off a $7 million ad campaign, gospel singers, children, and evangelists poured out of a giant copy of The Book, an updated, "cool" version of the Bible. But, says The Book's promoter, televangelist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson, "Our goal is not to sell Bibles. It is to make Bible-reading cool and American." Participants are invited to devise other ways to achieve that goal.

"The cover of every Bible to bear the sacred inscription 'As seen on TV!' "--Barry Crimmins

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"Add a few verses to Revelations describing how to make a pipe bomb."--Paul Tullis

"Clarify that all references to the Holy Trinity are meant to indicate Alan Greenspan, Robert Rubin, and Lawrence Summers."--David Duncan

"Find: 'Shalt not.' Replace with: 'Shalt.' Replace all."--Dale Shuger

"Sin, schmin: It's kegger time!"--Tim Carvell

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Randy's Wrap-Up

My favorite detail is the TV commercial where they pour out of the giant Bible. That's $7 million worth of cool right there. From Gulliver's Travels to my scout troop's walk through the Heart Room at Philadelphia's Franklin Institute, grotesque shifts in scale have always been funny, particularly when a little thing is made big enough to walk into. Amusing roadside Americana is basically a bad restaurant in the shape of a big chicken. (With an added dash of cruelty--you sit in a chicken and eat a chicken. Kind of rubbing it in.) The converse, however, is not true: A big thing made tiny is not comic; it's cute, a dollhouse, a teddy bear, a bonny wee Boris Yeltsin no bigger than your thumb--he can ride to the Duma on the back of a mouse, if he's not too drunk. The distinction blurs a bit in Fantastic Voyage, the movie where Raquel Welch was part of a medical team shrunk to microscopic size and injected into the body of some guy with a brain tumor. It's more scary than funny, especially to the brain tumor guy when he finds out that his chief surgeon is Raquel Welch.

Amen Answer

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Doug Knox, of publisher Tynedale House, says, "The Book looks friendlier than your typical leather Bible. It's got a cool title, contemporary package design and clear-reading, single-column type."

The leather Bible--isn't that by de Sade?

Small Problem Follow-Up

On Monday an ad for yet another penile enlargement clinic ran in the New York Times. I believe the masthead now displays the slogan "The newspaper of record and small penises."

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Movies That Don't Feature Adam Sandler but Should Extra

Title: Done That ... Changed My Ways.

Produced by: An "Emmy Award producer."

Produced for: SEX RESPECT: The world's leading abstinence education program

Official Summary:

This heart warming true story will reach teens with two powerful messages: first, save sex for marriage; secondly, if you have made the mistake of engaging in pre-marital sex, you can change your ways. The film features Corey Edelman, lead guitarist for the popular band NIV, and his fiancé Vorey Secor, a full time student. Corey's goal was to remain a virgin and save sex for marriage. In fact, he graduated from high school never kissing a girl or drinking alcohol. But a snowboarding accident that nearly killed his mentor sent Corey into rebelliousness. At a party where he got drunk, Corey lost his gift of virginity to a girl he didn't even know. Vorey had a different past. She became sexually active at 13, and engaged in a heart breaking cycle of sexual activity. Both, who hated what they did, resolved to change their ways by embracing SECONDARY VIRGINITY ... the practice where teens stop engaging in pre-marital sex, and wait until marriage. One teen remarked, "I never understood Secondary Virginity until I saw this film. Corey's really cool, and I related to him."

Unanswered Questions

  • What kind of mentor rides a snowboard? Some kind of frozen Yoda?
  • What kind of parents name a daughter "Vorey"?
  • If you were named "Vorey," wouldn't it compound your problems to marry someone named "Corey." (Hi, we're Corey and Vorey!)
  • Secondary Virginity--isn't that some appalling operation the Taliban forces on women as an alternative to being stoned to death?

Cool Movie Merchandise

T-shirt--Don't Be Dips, Stop at the Lips, $15.

Button--Pet Your Dog, Not Your Date, $1.

Sticker--I'm Worth Waiting For, $5.

T-Shirt Slogan They Don't Use, but Should

Front: "I'm never having sex ... "

Back: "... with Adam Sandler."

Common Denominator

Replace prayer and salvation with a vulgar slogan and a cheap giveaway.