The list includes beasts, criminals, villains, thugs, fascist legions, and hordes of murderers. List of what?
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Monday's Question (No. 219)--"Not":
The slogan in Maine, promulgated at government expense, is "Not Me, Not Now." Not what?
"Not Hillel."--Carrie Rickey (Tim Carvell and Andrew Silow-Carroll had similar answers.)
"Not a new law that requires women in labor to serve jury duty."--Adrianne Tolsch
"Not a chance in hell former President George Bush will allow blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Canadians, or homosexuals within five miles of his Kennebunkport summer manse ... unless they are to be used as game."--Larry Amaros
"Oh, this is Maine's tourist board, lamely responding to Vermont's campaign, 'Wouldn't You Rather Be in Vermont?' "--Tim Carvell (similarly, Dale Shuger)
"Maurice? What's that noise? You're not having sex with that lobster, are you?"--Chris Kelly
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Maine means L.L. Bean, Stephen King, and the Bush family compound, which is basically Hyannis Port, Mass., but with unattractive people who aren't having much fun or killing people in drunken driving incidents, so I guess it's a trade-off. It is cold there. And they grow lobsters in the rocky soil, between the rows of blueberry trees that form such an attractive backdrop to Miss Angela Lansbury, star of television's Baywatch, although you'd think they'd shoot a show like that someplace warmer. The state seal shows a farmer and a seaman and a moose, who seems faintly disapproving of the lifestyle of the farmer and the seaman, which strikes me as impertinent coming from a ruminant. If two people are happy, where's the harm, Mr. Oh-So-Judgmental Moose! The seal includes a pine tree symbolizing other pine trees--does that still count as symbolism?--along with the North Star and the Latin word "Dirigo," which actually means "I direct," but if you imagine Mel Brooks saying it, sounds like "Dir I Go eating a lobster which is not even slightly kosher! Like some big dumb moose!"
"Not Me, Not Now"--not sex. Particularly not teen sex, particularly not nonmarital sex.
Maine is one of 48 states--California and New Hampshire have opted out--spending the $50 million a year Congress allocates for abstinence education, with every $4 of federal money matched with $3 of state funds.
North Carolina now has an official state sex act: "mutually faithful monogamous heterosexual relationships in the context of marriage." The state bird is the cardinal; the state flower is dogwood; they're not even dating.
Wyoming's theme is "Sex and Reading Can Wait" (except for the part about the reading).
Utah, with its own view of the erotic, uses the money to sponsor a hockey league. "When kids are playing hockey or basketball," says Nan Streeter, manager of Utah's reproductive health program, "it's hard for them to get involved in risky behavior."
Not to drag in my personal life, but one thing that's always given me real erotic contentment is knowing that, while having sex, it's hard for me to get involved in playing hockey.
A bloated promotional supplement in today's New York Times touts the lowlands as a great place to make a buck. Match the advertised attribute with the nation.
1. "The four P's" make it a great place to do business.
2. Aristotle would find it just the right size.
3. "Most people ... live below sea level."
4. "One Thousand Years Young."
5. National capital transformed "from dour city of bureaucrats into a magnet for multinationals."
6. "The Times They Are a' Changing."
7. "You're constantly among attractive and amusing people who find you fascinating."
1. Belgium. The P's are place, people, price, pro-business, pot-smoking, pouty, pert'n'sassy, and promiscuous. Is that four?
2. Luxembourg. The ad notes other attractive, small things--microchips, squirrels, country music great Brenda Lee (except for the squirrels and Ms. Lee).
3. Netherlands. Say no more. I'm sold.
4. Netherlands. And, coincidentally, Strom Thurmond.
5. Belgium. Brussels. And thank goodness all those dull bureaucrats have been displaced by witty, playful multinational corporate executives. Let the revels commence.
6. Luxembourg, apparently, was the old tambourine man's inspiration. Although oughtn't it be "a-changin' "? Maybe it's different in Walloon.
7. Randyland. No, it's not on any map of the Benelux nations; you have to find it in your heart. OK, everybody, let's recite the four P's.