Worst Things First

Worst Things First

Worst Things First

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Dec. 16 1998 3:30 AM

Worst Things First



"The Netscape counter at the software boutique."--Lee J. Nemetz

"The Judaica booth at the PLO's children's holiday festival."--Connelly

"The Salvation Army's lesser known 'French-kissing Santa.' He's just getting over a pretty bad cold."--Danny Spiegel

"Neah Bay whales, to prevent the Sea Scouts from harpooning them before the Makah can."--Steve Levy

"Planes arriving and departing at Sea-Tac airport must now maintain a 10 foot buffer zone. For safety reasons."--Happy Jack

"Anyone tan. For their own protection."--Beth Sherman

"Gay people. For their own protection, of course."--Robert Weisberg

"Underage boys. To protect them from Mary Kay LeTourneau's pheromones."--Carrie Rickey (John Snell had a similar answer.)

"The city of Walla Walla already has one too many Wallas. The buffer zone should keep any additional Wallas at bay. If that doesn't work, Walla Walla will have to build a wall."--Juris Odins

"The hot meatball platter. Oh, sorry, I thought you said a 'buffet' zone."--Dan Radosh (similarly, but observing that Ted Kennedy is a gourmand, Michael Jenkinson)

"Michael Huffington, to prevent him from spontaneously confessing to passers-by."--Adam Bonin

"Sure, it starts with an 'innocent' stripper buffer zone. Next thing they'll try to slap some sort of five day waiting period on vomiting in a cab, stumbling home still drunk, and trying to have sex with my wife while she's asleep. I didn't spend two years in business school to take this shit. Where are we, Russia?"--Chris Kelly

"The Kingdome, to go with the three electric fences they've installed in an effort to keep Ken Griffey Jr. from fleeing in reaction to the Mariner's off-season moves."--M. Pesca (similarly sportive, Doug Ingram)

"The City of Seattle declared that there is a 10 foot buffer zone around aging Seahawk quarterback Warren Moon."--Gary Frazier

"Around every Starbucks store, separating it from other Starbucks, because two Starbucks only nine feet apart is, everyone will admit, overkill."--Tim Rogers (similarly, Jane Bu; for complicated dry-cleaning reasons, Judith Spencer)

"The Cafe Nervose in Seattle, in order to bar visitors who use 'twee' and 'apropos' incorrectly."--Andrew Milner

"Hot, up-and-coming Seattle bands, to prevent their being tainted by commerce."--Tim Carvell

"Theaters showing Jack Frost. Because the citizens of Snoqualmie, Wash., find the talking snowman 'profoundly disturbing' and 'creepy.' "--Tim Carvell

"Screens showing Meet Joe Black, to eliminate that teen-age girl persistent slobber problem."--Noah Meyerson

"Any movie theater showing an Adam Sandler movie."--Douglas Ingram

"Library Internet terminals set up for youths to peruse pornography."--Norman Oder

"The court was persuaded that the Furby, rather than being a cute and clever toy, is unattractive, uses distasteful language, and tends to lead the people of the city toward lives of sin and depravity."--Charlie Glassenberg

"Around Michael Buffer, the guy who does that 'Let's get ready to ruuuuuuumble!' thing at boxing events. He's really loud."--Adam Bonin

"The grave site of Seattle grunge rocker, Kurt Cobain. 'All them ya-hoo hippies paying respects ... they stink. I mean, they smell. Bad,' said the president of the local grave diggers union."--Jon Hotchkiss

"Around trees, so once one hugger is attached no others can piggyback. (Extra credit for the near-rhyme/off-rhyme, or whatever the hell it's called, please.)"--T. Liebler

"OK, OK, it's a typo--it's a Buffy zone. There's a neighborhood in Spokane (the locals call it Spookane) that's infested with vampires, and they've been getting very restive lately, harassing kids and school principals and so on. So they've cordoned it off. The mayor is trying to reach Ghostbusters."--Tamara Glenny

"Opposing factions in Olympia, Wash. One group wants the 'Elgin Marbles' to remain in the British Museum, while the emotionally violent opposing group wants the 'Parthenon Marbles' returned to Athens. The buffer zone will allow emergency vehicles and the intellectually lazy to freely go about their business."--Steve Ballou

Bill Gates Corner

"Evil monopolist Bill Gates' $40 million estate, to keep Scott McNealy and Jim Barksdale from sneaking onto his property and using his swimming pool unsupervised."--Erin Murphy (similarly, but with a Scrooge McDuck flourish, Erich Van Dussen)

"It's to separate Bill Gates and the truth. Direct contact can cause horrible crashes. Why? Incompatibility."--Barry Crimmins (biting the hand that doesn't feed him)

"Bill Gates' public image, which can expand or contract rapidly, depending on the number of puffball talk show appearances (Vaccinations for Third World children! Free Arthur dolls! Gee, what a swell house!) that get pre-empted by antitrust coverage."--Mary Owens

"Bill Gates, to deter people with a net worth of less than $100 billion and an IQ of less than 200."--Heather Harmon

Self-Reference Corner

"Michael Kinsley, who has taken to wearing disguises to discourage love-addled stalker-groupies. ('He's so smart!' sighed one. 'Not to mention cuuuuuute.')"--Leslie Goodman-Malamuth

"Around Sasha. He moved to Seattle and immediately started filling up his cargo pants with gas and lettin' her blow."--Barbara Lippert

"Tim Carvell, to prevent him submitting the pithy answers that I see published in News Quiz virtually every day."--Steven Mumford


"Me. Because word gets around."--Tim Carvell