Clearance from the vice squad, permission from a male relative, a university degree. Which does not belong? Why?
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Monday's question (No. 157)--"Worst Things First":
In his most recent public apology, President Clinton said that congressional condemnation would be pretty bad, but "there is no greater agony" than something he's suffered already. No greater agony than what?
"Patch Adams."--Chris Kelly, Carrie Rickey
"Dandruff caused by the dry Israeli winter."--Jennifer Miller
"Finding out the hard way about Washington's new 10 foot buffer law."--Tim Carvell
"Being crossed off Tom Hanks' Christmas card list."--Eric Zicklin
"Finding that little note in the playbill that said, 'Due to illness, the role usually played by Nicole Kidman will be performed by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.' "--Daniel Radosh (Jim O'Grady had a similar answer.)
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Go to your room, think about what you did, and don't come out until you're really sorry. But how is true remorse displayed? Many jailed Republicans demonstrated reformation by finding Christ in prison. (I believe Chuck Colson found him in the weight room.) Unfortunately for him, Clinton is already a Christian and so would gain little by going to prison to prove how sorry he is as a way of avoiding prison. After a sitcom tiff, remorseful husbands bring flowers. (Wasn't it Lincoln who, after suspending habeas corpus, gave a single white rose to every registered voter? Well no, but he should have.) Another TV gesture of regret is voluntarily giving up a desired pleasure, most often tickets to The Rock Concert forsworn by a chastened teen. (After packing the Supreme Court, Roosevelt had his little dog Fala roasted on a spit in the Rose Garden, if memory serves. National forgiveness was instantaneous.) We knew Jackie Gleason had learned his lesson when, at the end of an episode of The Honeymooners, he'd turn to Audrey Meadows and say, "Baby, you're the greatest," and then they'd hug and all was forgiven. Perhaps the president could say it to Meg Ryan, her generation's Doris Day, the personification of national virtue. She'd look him in the eye and judge the sincerity of his apology--she'd know, too--and then they'd hug and kiss (but no tongues!) and our long national nightmare would be over. But of course, by next week he'd have landed in the soup again, the scamp! I of course refer to Jackie Gleason.
Truly Penitent Answer
"Painful though the condemnation of the Congress would be, it would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my family. There is no greater agony."
Clinton also observed that while he'd give anything (!) to go back and undo what he did, "that is simply not possible," perhaps because of technical problems with that CIA time machine because if they could go back and undo stuff, I'll bet they'd save Lincoln or kill Hitler long before they took trips for frivolous reasons, like undoing sexual high jinks. Unless, of course, John Glenn was in the mood for a joy ride. You know, the nonsexual but pointless kind.
Crime and Punishment Extra
The New York Board of Education's "Citywide Standards of Conduct and Uniform Disciplinary Measures," an eight page brochure issued to all students, lists 37 infractions in ascending order of seriousness. Can you rank these infractions?
A. "Failing to wear the required school uniform"
B. "Wearing apparel that is unsafe or materially disruptive to the educative process"
E. "Using profane or obscene language or gestures"
F. "Lying or giving false information to school personnel"
G. "Using slurs based upon race, ethnicity, national origin, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or disability"
H. "Defying the lawful authority of school personnel"
I. "Possessing or using a firearm"
J. "Using any weapon other than a firearm ... to inflict injury"
A-5, B-7, C-9, D-10, E-12, F-13, G-14, H-16, I-36, J-37.
Societies prescribe the laws they feel they need. With that in mind, which of the following are listed as Prohibited Weapons: Category 1?
A. Machine gun
B. A cane that conceals a knife or sword
E. Acid or deadly chemicals
All are Category 1 weapons except E, that's Category 2.
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